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Original poster

Dropping by and unlocked doors

126 replies

DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 08:48

My parents are fans of the approach of “if we are home the front door is unlocked and you can/should just drop by without notice or even necessarily knocking.” My DH is really really not a fan of this approach especially as he works from home and we currently have a baby. Despite having been brought up by my parents, I always tell them when I am coming by and always ring the door bell before trying it. Anywhere else I would notify and ring and wait.

(There’s also a host of other boundary issues with my parents which I have discussed here before and I am currently seeing a therapist to work on protecting myself, my marriage and DD from their lack of boundaries and my tendencies to be terrified of crossing them. )

Anyway the door thing all came to a head yesterday when they turned up unannounced, rang the door bell and came straight in bellowing greetings. My teething DD had literally been asleep ten minutes and burst into tears and they were furious when I greeted them by telling them to shut up. I tried shhh but they couldn’t hear me over the noise they were making. DH says from now on door is locked when I am home to prevent this. They will be furious.

Anyway I want to know what other people’s expectations are. Is the door always unlocked and open to surprise visits by family or is it all an arranged in advance thing. is DH being U or are my parents?

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 02/08/2018 00:09

We’ve never really bothered about locking doors. We’re in a tiny village where neighbours closer to the road know every single car that comes along almost. Crime is non existent and no burglaries in a good few years. I’m not convinced a lock would stop them better than a giant dog anyway. Plenty of weekender houses with easier pickings hereabouts but they’ve always been pretty safe too.
Locking is a faff, finding keys and having to lock/unlock every time you go in or put to the bin store or cars. I couldn’t be doing with it.

PlatypusPie · 02/08/2018 00:32

I used to ring my mother’s doorbell, then open it with my key, even when she was expecting me , rather than just startling her by appearing in her living room. One of my daughters has left home - used to just let herself in here when she was house sharing with various groups of friends but now she has moved in to a flat with fiancé, she rings the bell before letting herself in - think it must be that their flat feels like ‘home ‘ now, which is the natural progression of things.

Yetanotherusername1 · 02/08/2018 00:48

Shit no! Lock the doors! My mum has a key yet she ALWAYS knocks and asks permission to enter when I am away. I actually wouldn't have a problem with her just walking in. She has always been pretty good with respecting privacy. She always asks if she can come in my room and use my en-suite if she is staying.

VickyEadie · 02/08/2018 12:03

We’ve never really bothered about locking doors. We’re in a tiny village where neighbours closer to the road know every single car that comes along almost. Crime is non existent and no burglaries in a good few years. I’m not convinced a lock would stop them better than a giant dog anyway. Plenty of weekender houses with easier pickings hereabouts but they’ve always been pretty safe too. Locking is a faff, finding keys and having to lock/unlock every time you go in or put to the bin store or cars. I couldn’t be doing with it.

NO area is safe from crime. That your neighbours know "almost" every car doesn't mean anything where burglars and other men intent on doing nasty things are concerned.

Please - lock your doors.

barleyfive · 02/08/2018 12:21

Can you explain that you would appreciate a heads up because your little one may be asleep and the working from home? If it is made to be about them not being welcome that could cause issues, but explaining you love seeing them and appreciate their visits but need things to be a bit more organised?

mumofone234 · 02/08/2018 13:45

My approach varies depending on who it is - if I tried to knock and wait at my mum’s or either grandmother, they’d think I was ridiculous as we’ve never done that. So we tend to tell people just to walk in too. However, we usually know they are coming so it’s not a nasty surprise!

Velvetbee · 02/08/2018 14:04

Very rarely lock the front door in daylight here but I expect people to knock and wait whoever they are.

A delivery driver once opened the door to drop off a parcel without knocking. He got 26kg of very angry dog. He won’t do that again.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 02/08/2018 14:12

Of course you should lock your door.

Your parents are family but that doesn't entitle them to enter your home without warning as they wish. They are rude and their behavior causes you stress.

Your DH works from home. My husband would never accept being interrupted by guests just dropping by. I am the same.

Lock your door and set firm boundaries.

Xenia · 02/08/2018 14:23

You cannot get in our door without a key - the yale lock so no one could get in . I certainly would like notice of visitors like that although my children's friends regularly come round on notice to my teenagers that they are coming and I don't mind that.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 02/08/2018 14:31

I’m assuming that you and your parents have never been burgled otherwise you would NEVER leave doors unlocked. The fact is that most thieves are looking for easy targets. I learned my lesson the hard way when I forgot to lock my car and had my bag stolen from my driveway while taking the shopping in.

Op, what’s the worst that can happen if you set boundaries? Your parents don’t talk to you for a while or they get violent? Just how nasty are they?

Davros · 02/08/2018 15:34

It's not a faff to pop out to put something in the bin or bring something in, just put the snib on. We can't have the front door opening and closing unexpectedly as the cat thinks the front of the house, where she's at much greater risk, is much more exciting than all the lovely back gardens she can roam in.

CherryPavlova · 02/08/2018 19:29

We don’t have locks with snibs.
We’re good with fairly open access. Of course crime is possible but there are much, much softer targets than us near here. The church next door, for example and the weekender houses. They’re have to drive out here, not be noticed driving over the gravel with lights coming on and get past a 38kg dog with a ferocious bark.
There have been no burglaries in the village in at least 12 years. There was an attempt last year but they were rapidly thwarted. We all respond to burglar alarms - whereas in many areas they are ignored.

DesignStatement · 02/08/2018 21:23

In my first ever house I used to think I'd never be burgled as I had the smallest house, no fancy pants car on the drive and nothing worth stealing. Opposite me was a huge unoccupied 'occasional home' and what was known as 'millionaires row' nearby.

I got burgled _ they took what I had. Apparently drug addicts from the next county sniffing out safe country village houses.

I lock my doors, have automatic lighting, alarm system and all manner of devices to fool burglars. Sadly, burglary never makes you feel safe again.

If Buckingham Palace can get burgled with all their guards ~ we all can.

Lock your doors!

KateMcD451 · 02/08/2018 22:24

Ours is always locked OP. One night at about 10pm I was on my own in the house, in the living room watching TV, and there was a knock on the door. I didnt answer it (I never do when I'm on my own and not expecting guests) and then after the knock, the door handle was tried straight away, luckily the door was locked! This is why we always lock the door even when in the house, both frnt and back.

happypoobum · 02/08/2018 22:32

I can't believe people leave their doors unlocked. How many times do you see awful things happening and people are interviewed saying "We never thought it would happen here..."

I would change the lock to one that locks automatically and not give DPs keys to the new door.

It's great you are establishing boundaries but this is the bare minimum really.

SilverPartyShoes · 02/08/2018 22:40

Husband parents used to just walk up into our house? Why I couldn’t understand. We were newly together, and could have been doing anything.
I soon realised and locked the door, or put the chain on. This soon stopped them, and now the door is permanently locked.
They weren’t pleased, but I don’t know why they thought it was right to walk into someone’s house unannounced

MissEliza · 02/08/2018 22:43

MIL tried that crap when we were first married. Dh gave her a key for emergencies but she used it to let herself in. I started locking the door and leaving the key in the lock so she couldn't open it. She got the message.

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 02/08/2018 23:29

My front door (on the inside) has a twistable lock thing which means it’s easy to keep permanently locked (no need to find keys) and also therefore easy to pop out to the bin without fear of locking myself out.

Also makes it super safe in terms of fire/emergency as we can swiftly exit without hassle of tracking down keys.

Xenia · 03/08/2018 08:10

Shiny - same here. May son came back from a run yestersday and assumed the back door would be open - it wasn't and had to ring the door bell. Another of their friends tried to get back in our house the other day having left something behind and seemed surprised nothing was open - he walked right round the back of the house (this was quite early int hem orning as he was staying with us) and I heard as he tried the doors, the automatic lights went on as he walked around outside and then he managed to wake me son to come down to open up. I also put the bottom lock on the front door when I got out too as just the yale thing at the top is not that hard for a burglar to get through. We also have locks on every window etc etc... Never been burgled here yet in 20 years although smoeone once took some parts (metal for scrap ) frmo the trampoline which cost me £60 to replace. What was quite funny is they did not get much at all as it was so old the parts were mostly rusted on to each other so they couldn't get any more off...; pick someone with new stuff next time!

sueelleker · 03/08/2018 09:56

Yupindeedy
Our door is the same-there's a handle on the inside, so you can just open it to go out, but none on the outside; so you need a key to open it.

mumofmunchkin · 03/08/2018 10:01

I keep our door locked. There is a 4 year old and a 2 year old who could let themselves out, and there are enough stories of people having stuff nicked from their houses whilst they are at home (someone nipping in through an unlocked door and lifting a handbag) that I would keep it locked just from the safety aspect.

It's ok to want to do things differently to how your parents did them. In theory I wouldn't mind if family or friends showed up unannounced, providing they weren't expecting us to drop everything we were doing to entertain them (though family live too far away to risk the journey if we might not be at home), but would be really narked at someone just walking into our house.

CrispsAndDip · 03/08/2018 10:07

My DP's family pop round whenever and walk straight in. I can't say I feel 100% comfy in my home, always make sure I am dressed before going downstairs.

It's fucking annoying. Her mother will knock once before immediately opening the door which is helpful Hmm

DP has no objections to me locking the door but I often forget.

KateMcD451 · 03/08/2018 10:14

@crispsAndDip Ahhh what is it with the knock once enter straight away thing!? My mother used to do that as a teen to me, it was bloody infuriating, it doesn't even allow you to say "no don't come in" in time!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/08/2018 14:57

@DrowsyDragon - how are things going now? Are you locking the door?

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