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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we being unreasonable re: baby names or are they?

324 replies

HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 02:17

I'm pregnant, almost 6 months now. We don't know the sex and not through lack of trying. My husband's brothers on/off girlfriend is also pregnant, due a boy imminently.

Since forever, husband has always wanted to name a future son [X name] after his grandfather. Our hypothetical son has always (for years) been going to be called [X name] [Y name], after both of our grandfathers.

When we found out that BiL was expecting a baby (not himself, obviously) we had a word (she was literally 6 weeks pregnant, it's been clear right from the start) and made it clear that we were trying and that this was and had always been our plan regarding naming a boy. We also told them the name we would choose for a girl too. We haven't deviated from these names from the start. Our baby will be either, or, depending on the sex.

Tonight husband gets a text from his brother to say the on/off girlfriend (part of me suspects that it's actually him - they've been very quiet on discussing name ideas for a long time now) really wants to use [X name]. We cannot swap the names around either - they already have a son called [Y name].

We're not wrong to be angry/upset/pissed off/all of the above, right?

OP posts:
Gillian1980 · 01/08/2018 09:20

Yabu, sorry.

Nobody had dibs on a name and telling them your plans was weird. If someone said that to me when I was pregnant I’d have been baffled - I’d never name my child according to someone else’s plans!

28holid · 01/08/2018 09:26

When we found out that BiL was expecting a baby (not himself, obviously) we had a word (she was literally 6 weeks pregnant, it's been clear right from the start) and made it clear that we were trying and that this was and had always been our plan regarding naming a boy. We also told them the name we would choose for a girl too.

So before you were pregnant you told them you were going to name your son X and that you would name your daughter Y ?

BEFORE you were pregnant Hmm

I think it's cheeky as fuck to dictate to people what they can call their child when you are pregnant before them, but you were not even pregnant Confused

Sorry but you are being massively unreasonable.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 01/08/2018 09:26

If it's not already been said, let's hope it's a girl Smile

Thesearmsofmine · 01/08/2018 09:26

YABU I wanted to use a family name for ds1 but bro/sil had a baby a few weeks ahead of us and they used the name. I can’t imagine my ds being called that name now anyway!

Tbh they may have wanted that name before your sil got pregnant like your DH has or you mentioning it might have been what put it in their head. I don’t tell anyone ideas for names before baby is born, it usually ends in tears.

Chickychoccyegg · 01/08/2018 09:27

bit annoying that everyone is ignoring the fact they only know your chosen names due to a conversation during dinner discussing names, so no where near the same as cornering them and telling them not to use your names!Confused
I would just let them know that you'll still be going ahead with your chosen name if you have a boy, then its up to them what they do

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 09:28

@Tawdrylocalbrouhaha I don't think so. It's more the fact that in a very close family where there has been lots of discussion about names (myself, BiL's GF and my SiL have all been pregnant together) it's never even been mentioned or hinted at that this may even be name of their choosing

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 01/08/2018 09:28

Its a tricky one, you have set your heart on the name but 2 kids in the same family, same school in a small town could get confusing and annoying I really would think of a back up plan tbh. When I had my daughter 16 years ago she had no name for 3 weeks as I thought as I was having a boy after extensive searching we found a name we loved, told everyone and that SIL announced that was the name she had chosen when she had a baby (She was kiddy free and about to get married) it was an anagram of her grandmas name. By this point I had my heart set on the name, I told her she could still have the name they lived other side of the country it wouldnt bother me and who was to say she would ever have a girl anyway! 5 weeks later she got married totally ignored my daughter. She had a daughter of her own 3 years later , gave her a different name and last year , so 15 years later!, brought the subject up again telling my daughter she had 'stolen' her daughters name!!

PirateWeasel · 01/08/2018 09:29

Honestly, I'd say just name your child whatever you want regardless of what your BIL does. You have just as much 'right' to the name as they do. The kids will figure out nicknames for each other as they get older anyway. Besides, if you're feeling awkward about both children having the same name I daresay your BIL and his gf are too. They already know what you're planning to call your child, so if they use the same name it's as much on them as on you and they can't blame you for 'stealing' the name. You've been upfront with them about it so at least there won't be any surprises.

Allthatsnot · 01/08/2018 09:30

Do BIL has a child from a previous relationship a DS with his on/off GF and got her pregnant again despite living with you at the time as their relationship was off and he expects to keep living with you whilst having 50/50 custody of the 3 children I hope you have a large 5 bed house I think you are focusing on the wrong thing, the name is not an issue, the freeloading irresponsible BIL is.

28holid · 01/08/2018 09:30

bit annoying that everyone is ignoring the fact they only know your chosen names due to a conversation during dinner discussing names,

In the OP....

we had a word (she was literally 6 weeks pregnant, it's been clear right from the start) and made it clear that we were trying and that this was and had always been our plan regarding naming a boy. We also told them the name we would choose for a girl too.

Not exactly casual convo!

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 09:31

@Chickychoccyegg that's exactly what we've done and thank you to those who suggested it (and are capable of not assuming that everyone posting on MN has an agenda/is violent/controlling/abusive Hmm )

OP posts:
Bloodylovepotatoes · 01/08/2018 09:31

YAB totally U, but I see you've been told that already.

Lalliella · 01/08/2018 09:32

I personally don’t think babies should be called after anyone. They are a person in ther own right, not a mini version of someone else. They should have a name individually chosen for them alone.

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 09:33

@Allthatsnot I wish we did! We have a 3 bed semi and it's been very cramped and not the easiest having them here!

OP posts:
Minisoksmakehardwork · 01/08/2018 09:35

Good grief. How on earth do all the John's on my parents generation manage? My dad is a John (second name, they named him the wrong way round apparently. He's never been known by his actual first name as an adult). His bil is a John, several of his oldest friends are Johns. He had an uncle called John.

They just got given a nickname.

I really, really don't get the angst. Unless it is caused by our parents generations having so many johns, Mary’s and the like.

My eldest is one of 3 in my social group. I moved and got friendly with 2 women, who had become friends and had daughters with the same name. We manage!

I have 6 friends with the same first name. We manage.

I know every parent wants their child to be unique. But there are better ways of achieving that than through a name. Excalibur St John Aloysius Jones* is unlikely to thank his parents when he grows up and starts work in McDonalds!
*2 of these names are my 2 sons middle names. I was vetoed on the 3rd. Surname is a popular one and bears no relation to any known person living of dead.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 01/08/2018 09:37

(And OP I realise that you didn't storm in and tell BIL not to use this name)

Bananamanfan · 01/08/2018 09:38

Wait to see what they actually name their child and choose your child a name of their own when you meet them. I talked to close family about the name I was planning for DD (i.e. Freya) and I found my family talking about 'Freya' and referring to '...when Freya is here...' so creepy and off putting that I had to choose a different nameGrin. -That and my mum hated it with a passion.

Original poster
HelpMeOutHereASecond · 01/08/2018 09:39

@Minisoksmakehardwork I totally get that, like I said before I'm now the third person in the family with the same first name, middle initial and surname since marrying - took years for anyone to even realise.

But 2 children, 8 weeks (or less) apart in one family (at this rate potentially even partly living in the same house) with the same first name and surname?

OP posts:
diddl · 01/08/2018 09:40

So they told you at 6weeks & there was a discussion about names you would use & you TTC?

Rather than just a "congratulations" to them?

eggsandwich · 01/08/2018 09:42

It’s irrelevant the fact that they have not discussed wanting to use that name, not everyone tells everyone what names they are thinking of as a possibility.

What if when you mentioned that these are the names we are going to use if it’s a boy/girl and they said well actually we’ve chosen those names as well what would you do then as her baby is due first.

I suspect the reason why they never mentioned names was because you had already staked a claim on the ones they had chosen, time to find a new name if it bothers you that much.

LittleDoritt · 01/08/2018 09:42

If you're close to the GF then bypass BIL and talk to her directly. If its one of a short list for her, rather than the name of her dreams, then she might be amenable to changing her mind.

Timeisslippingaway · 01/08/2018 09:43

Just call them the same name, they will be cousins, my DP has a very big family and they have several cousins with the same name. My brother and older cousin also share a name as do 2 of my other cousins on the same side. Nothing wrong with that.

JellyBears · 01/08/2018 09:43

Sorry you being unreasonable, my cousin has two daughters. She named her second after our shared grandmother. I was planing to use it myself but she’s had kids first and used it which is fair enough really.

I love the name and a little sad I can’t use it. but I’m equally happy to see my nana in this lovely girl who has her name.

So sorry yes your being unreasonable..

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 01/08/2018 09:45

They are free to call their child whatever they like.

When somebody announces a pregnancy, the usual response is congratulations not we are TTC and have reserved these names Hmm.

OrdinarySnowflake · 01/08/2018 09:45

I agree with sending a text along the lines of "understand you want to use the name too, but we will still be using it so there will be 2 xxx's".

Then you've told them in advance and they can't get annoyed at you using the name, then make your mind up later if they do decide to still use it.

You can't stop them using the name, or get angry at them, but you can make it clear you aren't changing your mind and if they have a problem with cousins with the same name, they need to pick another one. (You know after this drama you'll have a girl don't you?!)

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