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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Private C section

143 replies

kittyktt · 31/07/2018 20:12

First time poster, long timer lurker, I've just made a throwaway account for this.

DH and I are trying for a baby. However, I have decided for personal reasons that I would like to have a c section instead of a "normal" birth (sorry but I'm not really willing to have to discuss why I want one on here as I don't feel like I need to justify to anyone other than a HCP and DH beyond, my body my choice).
I don't want to get pregnant and then find out that I'd be refused an elective c section on the NHS, so DH and I have discussed going private.

However, and this is where the issue really lies, it costs an awful lot of money to have a private c section and DH feels like since its my decision to have one that I should be the one to pay for it. I am able to pay for it myself (DH and I keep most of our money separate and I have enough saved to pay for it) but I don't think that I should have to cover the cost by myself.

He is definitely pushing for a vaginal birth as its "natural", but in the grand scheme of things I don't think that it makes much difference having a section, beyond massively helping with my stress and feelings about the birth.

So, basically AIBU, to think that its also his child thats being born and that we should split the cost of the c section equally between us?

OP posts:

lyinginthesundrinkingbubbles · 31/07/2018 20:21

This is academic really.
It remains your choice how you deliver even in the NHS.
Very few Consultant Obsteticians would decline if you listened to the pros and cons of LSCS vs vaginal birth and still wanted to proceed with a section.
You quite reasonably have not shared your reasons but psychological reasons are valid if that's helpful.

distantstars · 31/07/2018 20:24

My private health cover paid for a private c section - I think it would only cover if it was medically needed rather then requested.Could be worth looking into.

Original poster

kittyktt · 31/07/2018 20:30

I know psychological reasons are valid, but it really stresses me out thinking about how I'm going to have to keep explaining myself to numerous different people, and being told that "it will be alright", and not having my opinion really listened too.

If anyone wouldn't mind sharing how their experience was getting a c section for psychological reasons was on the NHS I would be really grateful

I also think that DH and I are fairly well off and can afford to go private, so why should we take money/resources/appointments away from the NHS and someone who can't afford it.

OP posts:

Darkstar4855 · 31/07/2018 20:30

I think YABU as if you want to go privately for something that you could have on the NHS and your partner is quite happy for you not to then you should be the one to pay. You say your body, your choice but then surely it’s also your responsibility to fund it?

You can have an elective C section pretty much on demand on the NHS these days, you just have to be persistent and be prepared to show that you’ve considered the disadvantages/risks and are certain it’s the right choice for you.

SometimesMaybe · 31/07/2018 20:31

I’ve never know anyone be refused a section if they are clear on the reasons why.

Whatever the benefits of private health care I suggest you read Adam Kay “This is going to hurt” and his concerns about the doctors covering private ob-gyn shifts. (Basically they are often junior or inexperienced NHS doctors who are picking up locum shifts on top of a demanding NHS schedule without the depth of support or expertise when things go wrong).

haribosmarties · 31/07/2018 20:32

if I had been any sort of financial position to do so idve gone and had a section in one of the private maternity hospitals in london in a heart beat!!
As it was i had a 'natural' birth with nothing but gas and air in the hospital. Hurt like death and of course im happy my baby and were fine.... but like I said, if I had the money id pay for a planned section.
I know they also hurt and can be dangerous and take a good deal of time to recover from but vaginal birth can also go like that... and is also indescribably painful.

If you both have the money then I do think you should both contribute if you are going private. I take it your partner has not actually seen anyone giving birth? Perhaps you should take him to the maternity wing of your local hospital and just have him stand within earshot of the windows and listen to the screaming. Then ask him if it sounds 'natural' and if he would voluntarily do that when he had the money to pay for the calm planned section?
He made that baby with you but its you alone who has to birth it and he needs to get on board with whatever plan you feel will suit you best.... and I think he needs to get on board with that financially too.
My answer would be different if you both had very low incomes or no savings etc... but if his objection is purely because its not what he thinks you should do then I do think he needs a stern talking to about who is actually physically going to have this baby

Also congratulations!

Original poster

kittyktt · 31/07/2018 20:32

distantstars

Sadly it wouldn't be classed as medically necessary, so my insurance won't cover it

OP posts:

Crazycatlady123 · 31/07/2018 20:33

I find it concerning OP that you're bringing a baby into the world together and not only do you have your finances separate, but he thinks you should pay for the C-section yourself too? YANBU.

Plughole3 · 31/07/2018 20:33

Will he not pay half if you go private? Or can you pay for it & then contribute less to household for a few months

jaseyraex · 31/07/2018 20:34

As far as I'm aware, you wouldn't be refused on the NHS. They would offer you support and the chance to discuss why you don't want a vaginal birth and see if theres anything they can do to ease your mind if it's anxiety based reasons. They'll give you the pros and cons of both. But ultimately it's your decision in the end, if you're still not comfortable with the thought of a vaginal birth then they'll give you the elective ceaserean.

However, if you do go private, then I do agree it should be jointly paid for. The baby is for both you, not just you.

distantstars · 31/07/2018 20:34

But you're not pregnant yet.... are you?
There may be a case where you would need one! For a breach baby for example

WeShouldBeFriends · 31/07/2018 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

haribosmarties · 31/07/2018 20:36

and my experience of asking for a section on the NHS was not good... and I had already given birth once and had a whole mental health care plan and yet was still point blank refused a section (which I asked for instead of an induction). I think I could have tried harder because essentially it is your 'Right' to have one according to NICE guidlines but as there were problems with my baby and they wanted her out asap it would have become a who blinks first scenario with my childs life in the balance, if i had kept refusing any other treatment... so in the end I was forced to just let them do what they wanted.
Despite me having had an entire care plan written where mental health professionals had written that I would be better with a section than an induction.... The consultant in the hospital did not agree and I did not have time to keep asking for new consultants

Plughole3 · 31/07/2018 20:36

I had a elective CS for medical reasons & then paid for a room & also had a gas & air vaginal birth.

Scottishgirl85 · 31/07/2018 20:37

If you have valid reasons you will get c section on the NHS. I'm more concerned as to why your DH is not on your side here, does he not understand your reasons? He should be supporting you in your choices. And separate money when you're married is also weird to me, but I realise everyone does things differently. Good luck.

Original poster

kittyktt · 31/07/2018 20:38

Darkstar4855

I probably should've put this in the OP so as not to drip feed, but I originally wanted to foster or adopt, but DH wanted at least one child which is biologically ours. Which I am fine with, and I can understand his reasoning for this.

But the point of view that I'm coming from is that whilst it is my choice to have a c section, it is his choice to have a child which is biologically ours, so he is (at least in part) the reason why we are going down the route of a c section

OP posts:

delphguelph · 31/07/2018 20:40

How much is a private section? 10k?

lrwe · 31/07/2018 20:40

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be refused on the NHS whatever your reasons.

However I just wanted to say just because it's not medically necessary now doesn't mean it won't end up medically necessary once you get pregnant.

Chrisinthemorning · 31/07/2018 20:41

I definitely wanted a CS and managed to get one agreed for maternal request. You really need to read up and show the consultant that you are aware of benefits and risks of both and be very firm and stick to your guns. You may be referred for counselling if NHS.
I would have loved to go private but live in Yorkshire and it doesn’t exist outside London.
Ironically I turned out to have placenta praevia so had to have a CS anyway. My DS knew Mummy needed a CS and sorted it for me but it made for a very scary pregnancy- he’s a tinker

Original poster

kittyktt · 31/07/2018 20:41

SometimesMaybe

I actually read that a couple months ago! One of the best books I've read in a long time smile.

It did get me a bit worried, but everyone that I spoken to (okay, 3 people) who had a private c section had nothing but good things to say about their experience, so I was hoping that the same could be said for me if I end up going private grin

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 31/07/2018 20:41

You can get an elective c Section on the NHS. It's in the nice guidelines.

However - I know this wasn't what you asked- but I echo a previous poster. You're TTC with somebody who is not only intent on seeing your finances around something as shared as a baby as a separate thing, but also feels like he has the right to a say in what you do with your own body? Are you sure this relationship is healthy? It's very very difficult to have a child with somebody who does not see you as a team or who feels they have the right to control you. Obviously I might be reading this totally wrong but since you're not even pregnant yet - worth considering. Seriously.

Plughole3 · 31/07/2018 20:43

10k is probably a conservative figure but depends where you are. It’s the add on costs of each night

MarthasGinYard · 31/07/2018 20:43

I had an ELCS Op NHS delivery

If I hadn't have managed that we were going private but we would have certainly shared costs.

Racecardriver · 31/07/2018 20:44

I agree with the point about taking NHS resources. If you can afford to go private and can access a private maternity hospital (it may shock you to hear that in many parts of the country you cant get a private birth no matter how much you are willing to pay) then you shouldn't be taking NHS resources. Seeing as it is elective you should have no issue traveling to London/wherever you need to. So you should definitely go privately for that reason but also because the NHS often gives appalling quality of care and should be avoided at all costs lest you have the bad luck to be one of the patients that gets overlooked. As for who pays for it. You are marriage. Your assets are joint. You really need to start acting like a married couple and pay for things together.

Original poster

kittyktt · 31/07/2018 20:45

Crazycatlady123

We have a joint account for mortgage and bills etc. But any spare income we have goes into our own separate accounts, so that we can spend our disposable income as we please without having to worry if the other is going to go without or needing to ask permission to buy something.

OP posts:

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