Private C section

[kittyktt]

First time poster, long timer lurker, I've just made a throwaway account for this.

DH and I are trying for a baby. However, I have decided for personal reasons that I would like to have a c section instead of a "normal" birth (sorry but I'm not really willing to have to discuss why I want one on here as I don't feel like I need to justify to anyone other than a HCP and DH beyond, my body my choice).
I don't want to get pregnant and then find out that I'd be refused an elective c section on the NHS, so DH and I have discussed going private.

However, and this is where the issue really lies, it costs an awful lot of money to have a private c section and DH feels like since its my decision to have one that I should be the one to pay for it. I am able to pay for it myself (DH and I keep most of our money separate and I have enough saved to pay for it) but I don't think that I should have to cover the cost by myself.

He is definitely pushing for a vaginal birth as its "natural", but in the grand scheme of things I don't think that it makes much difference having a section, beyond massively helping with my stress and feelings about the birth.

So, basically AIBU, to think that its also his child thats being born and that we should split the cost of the c section equally between us?

You could have an epidural to be pain free.

Or you could be told it's "too late" for epidural and spend 30+ hours screaming in pain.

Much safer for you both,

Not true. Planned CS is safer.

less of a drain on the NHS

...which she's paying into, so it's perfectly reasonable to once in a while get something for the contribution she pays.

and a much shorter recovery time than major abdominal surgery has.

Or a much shorter recovery time than 4th degree tears have.

You won't be able to drive for 6 weeks,

Who cares? London has excellent public transport, plus black cabs and Uber.

will struggle to hold your baby for a couple of weeks,

Not necessarily.
Also, quite like after "natural" birth too.

have a scar,

Which could be almost invisible under pubic hair after a year.
Beats scars inside and around your vagina.

risk an embolism.

Pregnancy itself significantly increases embolism risk.

Is this the reason yo wanted to adopt?

Not your business.

OP, I hope you get the CS you need on NHS, I'm happy to pay for it from my taxes.

Private obstetric care, especially C section, is extremely costly, and can be unpredictable too, eg if you and/or DC need additional care. can understand why DH is concerned about the cost, although when you’re married he’s U to want you to pay.

Fostering and adoption is a whole different, and much, much more challenging, thing from having biological DC. (Assuming your DC are well and have no additional needs). Is your H actually on board with doing both? What will you do if you have a DC and he then says he will not foster or adopt?

Your relationship sounds full of resentment, eg him wanting you to pay for the private care, you suggesting that you are mainly considering becoming pregnant (rather than fostering or adoption) “for him”.

I think if you want an elective c section on nhs you should make sure you’re fully informed and able to make your argument as they definitely try and avoid allowing these where possible. I wanted one with my 2nd dd for a number of reasons, one of which being I had a traumatic after birth experience of manual removal of placenta and blood loss after my 1st dd and was worried about it happening again. They refused and I wish I had pushed harder for it as had to have another manual removal and had massive haemorrhage beforehand, blacked out and was very roughly handled by the anaesthetist and Was then put under for surgery when I probably didn’t need to be. It was horrendous and an elective c section would have avoided all of that. Afterwards I discovered the chance of manual removal being done again jumps up from 3% 1st time to 20% 2nd I think it was. I still feel angry and upset about some of the things 2 years later but the midwives were excellent so I haven’t pursued a complaint/review as I also thought it might be too distressing. So please be ready to argue your case if you decide to go with nhs route x

I had an elective section due to having an extreme fear of giving birth. I had to fight for months to have one with a specialist private MH midwife, it ruined my pregnancy and I wish we had the money to have one with one of the London hospitals. Despite the NICE guidelines hospitals really don’t like giving sections for non medical and there is a stigma against it. I would go as far as saying more so now than 5 years ago when I had my daughter. Go private if you can work something out with your OH but do your research on which hospital.

I very much doubt you would be refused one on the NHS. But hypothetically if you did need to pay for it he should split it with you. He shouldn't be dictating how YOU have to give birth when it's something you face, not him. He should be prioritising your needs and feelings completely, and if he isn't he's being a dick.

It's his job to be there with you as it's his child not finance your choice which is a choice, not a necessity. And you chose for the csection, he didn't. He doesn't 100% support if so why should he pay

I’m currently pregnant and am going to have a private home birth. It will be costly. It will be paid out of our money as it’s our baby. I could give birth at the local hospital but OH knows I really want one to one care for my mental health.

We make lots of decisions about children that cost money but they are our children and the cost is joint.

Awful. I can’t believe he would happily put you through something that would be traumatising to you - especially when you have implied that your fear of this process may be due to past assault. All so he can save an amount of money that, while a lot, is really not that much to you both in the long run if you’re earning enough to be able to pay it now.

Mental trauma aside, how would he feel if he forced you to give birth “naturally” and you ended up with some of very common lifelong effects of vaginal delivery? Double incontinence? Prolapse? Inability to orgasm? Of course CS comes with its own potential complications, but the point is that’s the route you would be actively choosing for your own body.

In short, it doesn’t sound like he cares at all for your mental or physical wellbeing, or like he has ANY idea of the massive sacrifices women make when they bear a child. He actually sounds like the kind of selfish rotter who would suddenly change his tune if you outlined the potential impacts of a vaginal delivery on HIS sex life.

Please get him to split the costs and appreciate your sacrifices, or forget the whole idea of children.

I also worry he’s spinning you a line with the adoption thing and this will not happen once you’ve given birth. More likely he’ll just put pressure on you to go through the whole traumatic birth process again.

If your DH will not split this cost with you, how will you manage in the event of the —inordinate amount— of things you will need to pay for when you have a child. You have to go into these things together. If he won’t support you on this beware for the future. Are you going to pay for childcare if he thinks you should be a stay at home mum? Are you going to pay for the clubs for your child that he doesn’t agree with? This is a bad omen if you can’t resolve it. He is BVU

He wouldn’t be U not to want to foster or adopt, but would to say he was open to it when he actually wasn’t, or would no longer be should he become a birth father, and there seems a risk he will no longer be open to it if they have a biological DC.

On the finances, what kind of proportion of your (as a couple’s) current savings/equity is £25k? Ie is it easily affordable?

All those posters saying "anyone can have a C-section on the NHS", "you don't need a medical reason, you just have to ask" etc clearly haven't visited the Pregnancy board recently. If you do then you will find plenty of women who have requested ELCS and been refused.

Montgomery v Lanarkshire.

www.supremecourt.uk/decided-cases/docs/UKSC_2013_0136_Judgment.pdf

If you’re very well off, go private. But please don’t use your last pennies paying for a private csection that you’re perfectly entitled to on the NHS.

I would suggest you go and talk to your GP and ask them to refer you to a sympathetic obstetrician (yes before you’re pregnant). It’ll feel a lot less stressful discussing it beforehand.

You will have to show calm assertiveness. You will have to explain your reasons, probably several times over. But in the end, if they won’t offer you the care, you ask them to refer you on to someone else that will.

Don’t bankrupt yourself OP. It’s a perfectly legitimate use of nhs resources. Pushing you through a traumatic experience and the nhs picking up the tab for that and the possible ensuing ptsd and PND is going to be far more expensive.

You pay into the NHS op. It’s ok to use it. And I say that as a medical professional who used to work in the NHS.

Good luck

Having separate finances for disposable income - absolutely fair and sensible.

The problem (may be) the way you're approaching this joint venture as a couple in terms of his/hers money.

IME when you're a couple the separate disposable income thing works just fine but you do have to rejig it when you become a family. You can still have separate disposable income of course - but DC costs cannot come out of those separate pots, it's not fair. The responsibilities associated with having DC have to be equally borne and the costs associated with having DC must feel equal too. It doesn't need to be all 50/50 but it needs to feel like you're a team, not just two adults who live together and share part of a life. Whether you have adopted or biological children (but especially so with adopted children who need more one to one support), it's fairly likely that one or both of you will take some kind of income hit, whether it's at the extreme of quitting to become a SAHP or whether it's simply decisions like being able to do less overtime or turning down opportunities which interfere with family life. At this point particularly if the financial hit is uneven between you, it becomes really unfair to keep the pots which include any expenses for DC (even frivolous ones) as being a part of your individual pots.

I understand it is all exciting and planning and such right now and as you both have high incomes perhaps this seems inconsequential, as you're not struggling - those of us who are saying look with caution here are looking 5, 10 years down the line, when one of you (most likely you, unfortunately, since the world is pretty sexist still) has vastly diminished income and IS struggling, or just feels crap, resentful, struggling with self-worth etc and you want to make joint financial decisions for your DC like sending them to a private school, buying special glasses that they need, paying for private mental health care or even as simple as something like where you buy their clothing or sports equipment or what you get them for Christmas - and he's niggling and insisting that YOU pay for it simply because YOU want it.

That's not how it works when it comes to DC - it's petty in the extreme. You make a decision jointly, even if it's felt more strongly by one person than the other, and then the money comes out of shared funds. Anything else is highly likely to lead to resentment and feelings of inequality. That's why people are saying to look at it now, because it doesn't feel like a big issue now but it has the potential to develop into a huge issue in the future, by which point it's too late. Nobody's saying leave - just talk to him about long term financial plans and find out that you're definitely on the same page before you get too far into TTC and the adoption process.

Good luck with everything.

If she had twins, I suspect it would be very easy to get a cesarean.

I'd never go private for a section. Better to have one on the NHS. If something goes wrong you are wayyy better off being in an NHS hospital.

Sorry if I'm repeating what some have already said but I haven't read the whole thread.
I have just gone through the process with the NHS as it happens we are having the procedure done privately (as ins will cover the cost) however. The NHS were willing to also carry out an elective c-section. Ultimately it is your choice and if that's what you want they won't refuse to do it. They will of course try to talk you out of it and highlight all the risks of a CS and benefits of a natural birth but it's your call. Do what you're comfortable with. I have had friends who have opted for natural and some who have opted for a c-section and all have been happy with their choices. A third of all natural births end in an emergency c-section anyway so there is no guarantee that the natural birth won't end in a c-section.