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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Private C section

143 replies

kittyktt · 31/07/2018 20:12

First time poster, long timer lurker, I've just made a throwaway account for this.

DH and I are trying for a baby. However, I have decided for personal reasons that I would like to have a c section instead of a "normal" birth (sorry but I'm not really willing to have to discuss why I want one on here as I don't feel like I need to justify to anyone other than a HCP and DH beyond, my body my choice).
I don't want to get pregnant and then find out that I'd be refused an elective c section on the NHS, so DH and I have discussed going private.

However, and this is where the issue really lies, it costs an awful lot of money to have a private c section and DH feels like since its my decision to have one that I should be the one to pay for it. I am able to pay for it myself (DH and I keep most of our money separate and I have enough saved to pay for it) but I don't think that I should have to cover the cost by myself.

He is definitely pushing for a vaginal birth as its "natural", but in the grand scheme of things I don't think that it makes much difference having a section, beyond massively helping with my stress and feelings about the birth.

So, basically AIBU, to think that its also his child thats being born and that we should split the cost of the c section equally between us?

OP posts:
CertainSlant · 31/07/2018 22:04

Not the main issue, but to echo a pp I strongly recommend choosing private wing of an NHS hospital - in the very unlikely event that you need it, the NICU facilities are better and (more to the point of this thread) free.

I had private maternity care, but my second baby unexpectedly ended up in (an excellent NHS) NICU. Looking back I was incredibly grateful that I wasn’t in the Portland which would have either cost tens of thousands, or had to transfer us out.

Good luck OP

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 31/07/2018 22:05

If you want a private c section and can afford it it’s nobody’s business but yours.
If DH is reluctant to pay for it (your joint money surely?!) tell him he can push it out if he prefers.

PandaPieForTea · 31/07/2018 22:05

I had a private CS and one of the best things was not having to discuss/explain my reason more than once and to more than one person. We have team community midwives in my local area, so NHS care would have involved many different HCP. Just dealing with my consultant was so much better.

I do think you should split the cost, it’s not a surprise to him and it will set the tone for how you deal with expenses relating to your child.

Thankfuckitsfriday1 · 31/07/2018 22:06

I had a friend who want an elective c section due to sexual assault in her past, also why she didn’t want any vaginal examinations.
She made it VERY clear in the first midwife appointment and didn’t have any issues getting one. Her reasons weren’t questions, she had a few more appointments with consultants but none tries to make her change her mind.

I imagine they would if it was due to being scared of birth/pain but that wasn’t the case with her and they were excellent.

I think your DH should go halves. It’s both of your baby and he should understand your anxiety and respect your need for a c section. Private or NHS wise

Original poster
kittyktt · 31/07/2018 22:07

AynRandTheObjectivist

crap Robert Baratheon, I love that!x Grin

I can see why he wants his own child, but I do think that there is some push from his family.

I can understand that if you've gone your whole life thinking that you're gonna have a child thats related to you, how it can be a big change to meet someone who doesn't necessarily share that sentiment. It must be difficult to let go of the idea that you won't have a child of you "own", so I can sympathise with him

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 31/07/2018 22:12

I will admit that one of my hot button issues is people fetishising 'natural childbirth'. Childbirth is a brutal process that used to routinely kill one woman in three, and many infants too. It still does in many developing countries, and horrible deaths they are too. It's not some magical, sanitised process just because it's 'natural'. You know what's incredibly natural? Maternal death, infant death and being eaten by wolves. Take your 'natural' and shove it.

And any fucking MAN who will, on principle, not assist his wife in having an alternative to a NATURAL BIRTH (ALL HAIL) because she'd be traumatised by it - yet still wants her to bear his child - can go head first into the nearest birthing pool.

A wise man once said that the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. I would amend that slightly these days to 'treat their mother well', as plenty of people co-parent well without being in a relationship, but I think you get the principle. Never, ever have kids with a man whom you cannot trust not to treat you like shit. Refusing to help you to find a bearable alternative to NATURAL BIRTH (ALL HAIL) when that's what you want, is treating you like shit. Like an incubator.

HaveSomeGrace · 31/07/2018 22:12

Hi op, thoroughly interesting post you have right here! Having had multiple sections myself I’m always kind of interested but this post is very insightful!

My only question to you, and I guess there’s a slim chance, but twins?? How would that fit in to your budget for a private section should it happen and would it scupper your adoption/fostering plans?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 31/07/2018 22:16

I can see why he wants his own child, but I do think that there is some push from his family.

There is nothing wrong with him wanting a biological child.

There is everything wrong with him placing some unwarranted moral standard on to NATURAL BIRTH (ALL HAIL), even though he knows you'd be damaged by it, and refusing on principle to help you have the birth experience that would protect you. It would be unacceptable under any circumstances, but the fact that he's a man just adds to the gall factor.

Does anyone fancy looking through all the acceptance speeches ever given by winners of Oscars and Nobel Prizes? I bet not a fucking one of them gives a shit whether they were born vaginally or by section. I think they were all just glad if both they and their mother survived the birth with no serious, long-term problems. God knows that for a long time that was not a given, and actually still isn't.

Seriously, fuck him. Why is it so important to him how you deliver? What's more important than you and the baby both being safe and well?

LeftRightCentre · 31/07/2018 22:20

*I can see why he wants his own child, but I do think that there is some push from his family.

I can understand that if you've gone your whole life thinking that you're gonna have a child thats related to you, how it can be a big change to meet someone who doesn't necessarily share that sentiment. It must be difficult to let go of the idea that you won't have a child of you "own", so I can sympathise with him*

Then you leave, kitt, because you are not compatible. You end the relationship and find someone who is compatible on this issue rather than see a human, living being as a compromise. You don't cajole someone into creating a person and then see the birth as 50/50 and if they don't do what you want then they pay for it. WTAF. Really people like this shouldn't procreate. He's an arse.

ComfortablyGlum · 31/07/2018 22:31

I had all my DC by elective section on the NHS. I too had psychological issues why I really did not want a vaginal birth.

I attended counselling (private) and in a massive stroke of luck my counsellor actually knew my obs consultant personally. She did me a letter recommending a section was the best choice for me.

As it was I never needed the letter as, after a conversation with my lovely consultant he was happy for me to have a section. I was told the risks etc but still felt it was the right choice for me.

I had very easy births - time to prepare, radio on in op theatre, chatting away with surgeons, DH got to hold baby in seconds and it was all extremely positive. As I was being wheeled out back to ward with baby 1 I heard the ear piercing screams from a delivery room - very glad that wasn’t me.

Bit painful afterwards but nothing too horrible - was up going to the loo a few hours afterwards. By my last child I was let out to go home less than 24 hours after I had him.

No chance of anymore but if I did it would be a section every time - even if it meant I paid for it privately. No horror stories here - far from it - very pleasant births both for me and the babies who were all easy and good sleepers!

I had my children in a London borough and found very little prejudice about having a section from the HCP’s and other mums I dealt with. However I have since moved to a leafy suburb and found it a lot different - much more of the ‘I gave birth on granny’s old weaving chair with just a kale smoothie and half an aspirin for pain relief - a SECTION how COULD YOU?’ Quite easily thank you, oh sanctimonious one....

CherryPlum · 31/07/2018 22:40

There is not really much point in anyone providing their birth stories, vaginal or section.

There are many many women who've had complications from vaginal births...there are many many women that have had complications following sections.

The question is should her DH have to pay the necessary thousands of pounds because she essentially prefers the thought of a section?

saratustra · 31/07/2018 22:41

The cost to the tax payer!!
I'm lucky to earn a good salary, so I pay for that difference in cost with 1 month worth of my tax. Sorry I really am not bragging, but that argument infuriates me.

Also, it's extremely sexist to consider we should base our choices in how much it costs. Apart from post natal care costs not being considered.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 31/07/2018 22:41

The question is should her DH have to pay the necessary thousands of pounds because she essentially prefers the thought of a section?

Yes. Next question?

CherryPlum · 31/07/2018 22:45

OK well then next question is, why? Why should he pay for something she just prefers the thought of?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 31/07/2018 22:49

Why should he pay for something she just prefers the thought of?

Because the child is both of theirs, because she's his beloved life partner and he should have her best interests at heart, because a vaginal birth would be psychologically damaging to her, because serious psychological issues are not merely 'preferences' (who do you think you're fooling?), because mean with money, mean with love, because she has to endure pregnancy, delivery and the permanent changes that follow and he doesn't, because anyone who fetishises NATURAL BIRTH (ALL HAIL) no matter what the cost to the mother is a dangerous shithead, and because if he doesn't want to pay for anything that's going to make for a happier, healthier mother of his child then he should not be having one.

Next?

CherryPlum · 31/07/2018 22:52

How do you know it will make for a happier healthier mother of his child? I don't understand how you can assume that. C-sections are not without complications, you see?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 31/07/2018 22:57

How do you know it will make for a happier healthier mother of his child?

Because OP would be psychologically damaged by a vaginal delivery. Nobody has suggested that sections carry no risk, stop making up shit. But in this case, it is the lower risk and eliminates the known danger.

If a man can do something to help his beloved life partner, mother of his child, to have a safer, smoother delivery, then why would he not do that? Because it costs money? Mean with money, mean with love - and if you love money that much, don't become a parent.

boobiequestion · 31/07/2018 23:01

I think it's actually really twatty of him to be honest. You are both making the decision to bring a child into the world and he should respect that your the one to actually go through childbirth and do whatever it takes (within reason) to support you through that.

If you can afford it, it seems a no brainier. Trust me, a positive birth experience is invaluable. The long term emotional repercussions of a traumatic birth can be horrible.

If the shoe was on the other foot, what would you do?

boobiequestion · 31/07/2018 23:04

Excuse my typos Blush

AynRandTheObjectivist · 31/07/2018 23:05

The long term emotional repercussions of a traumatic birth can be horrible.

I will drink to that.

Anyone who tries to dress up birth trauma and serious psychological issues as mere 'preferences' is a complete - person who is not very good at thinking situations through.

CherryPlum · 31/07/2018 23:07

I guess it's about perspective, money-wise. I don't equate money with love.

Anyway thousands of pounds would be totally out of my reach, it's a huge amount of money to me. I'd probably be fed up paying thousands of pounds for my DH to undergo major surgery knowing he could go for the free option, and knowing that both options carry their own risks.

It's an interesting discussion though.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 31/07/2018 23:14

I guess it's about perspective, money-wise. I don't equate money with love.

So if a man can afford to pay for a procedure that will save his wife a traumatising experience, and he refuses to do it, that's not a love issue to you?

Pah. This is just you twisting shit again. Like when you called trauma a 'preference' and pretended that people were claiming sections are entirely risk free. You're not fooling anyone.

Anyway thousands of pounds would be totally out of my reach

Well it's not out of OP's husband's, and that's the point. He CAN afford it but he'd rather his wife suffered birth trauma. That ain't love, whatever you 'equate' money with.

I'd probably be fed up paying thousands of pounds for my DH to undergo major surgery knowing he could go for the free option,

If the free option would leave my husband with the equivalent of birth trauma, I'd rather pay some money. But then I love him.

It's all a matter of perspective, money-wise, hm?

CherryPlum · 31/07/2018 23:25

Well I guess I'm just saying that paying the money for the section won't necessarily save his wife from a traumatic experience? Childbirth is grim either way, so he'd be paying the money to eliminate her fears, but she could still have a bloody awful time of it and long-term repercussions anyway from a section. The OP has said she's personally got the money to pay for it herself, so she could do that if she wants to. I'm just seeing it from his point of view too I guess.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 31/07/2018 23:30

Well I guess I'm just saying that paying the money for the section won't necessarily save his wife from a traumatic experience?

Well, OP says it will, and I trust her to know her own psychological state better than any of us on here.

As before, nobody has suggested that there are absolutely no risks to a section. The known variable is that a vaginal birth will definitely cause psychological trauma. The husband can afford to pay his share for the procedure that would cut this known variable and reduce the risks to OP as much as possible. If he would rather she suffered a known trauma (because he's the one pushing for the biological child, don't forget), or footed the bill herself despite being able to pay his share, then that says a lot about how he feels about her. Mean with money, mean with love. Every single time.

It really is not rocket science.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 31/07/2018 23:33

God, I'm trying to imagine a situation where I could help my husband to avoid a known trauma by paying some money that I could afford, and having any reason at all for not wanting to. I can't conceive of it. I don't really WANT to be able to see things from the point of view whereby my husband could be psychologically damaged in order for us to have a wanted child, and I would tell him either to pay for it himself or go ahead and get PTSD.

What the actual fuck.