Private C section

[kittyktt]

First time poster, long timer lurker, I've just made a throwaway account for this.

DH and I are trying for a baby. However, I have decided for personal reasons that I would like to have a c section instead of a "normal" birth (sorry but I'm not really willing to have to discuss why I want one on here as I don't feel like I need to justify to anyone other than a HCP and DH beyond, my body my choice).
I don't want to get pregnant and then find out that I'd be refused an elective c section on the NHS, so DH and I have discussed going private.

However, and this is where the issue really lies, it costs an awful lot of money to have a private c section and DH feels like since its my decision to have one that I should be the one to pay for it. I am able to pay for it myself (DH and I keep most of our money separate and I have enough saved to pay for it) but I don't think that I should have to cover the cost by myself.

He is definitely pushing for a vaginal birth as its "natural", but in the grand scheme of things I don't think that it makes much difference having a section, beyond massively helping with my stress and feelings about the birth.

So, basically AIBU, to think that its also his child thats being born and that we should split the cost of the c section equally between us?

OP don't listen to anyone being negative, I had no issue getting c-sections for my two due to fear of birth. I didn't have to fight my corner. This is within the last 4 years. Fear of birth is a totally valid reason and you can have a section according to the NICE guidelines.
The expense argument doesn't stand up when you think of all the issues women can have after vaginal birth.

We are planning on fostering/adopting after we've had our first, this is the compromise we agreed on

This process is difficult when you already have young children/children at home, have you researched this on the fostering and adoption boards on here?

You don't want children. Taht's fine. What's not is someone talking you into that and then tit for tatting the whole process with a mental Excel spreadsheet.

Kids should never be a compromise.

I had no problem getting c-sections on the nhs at all, one meeting with a consultant and it was agreed there and then!

NHS agreed to my ELCS request after a couple of consultant appointments in which I went through the pros and cons and why I believed ELCS was the right choice for me, and cited NICE guidelines. There were some threads on mumsnet which I found helpful in doing my research to show the consultants that I have made an informed decision after weighing up everything. However my labour started 3 days before the planned date for my ELCS and as it was night and the only anaesthetist was busy with other operations I was already fully dilated when she was finally free to give me epidural, and I gave birth to my DD naturally. I had a cut but didn't have forceps or EMCS which I feared the most, and the recovery time was a lot quicker.

If I had to go down the private route I would absolutely expect to pay for it using the joint money with DH. Our money are joint for pretty much everything apart from we save a small portion each for personal spending though.

LeftRightCentre

I think you've misunderstood the situation, I don't think I've explained it in the fairest way.
I DO want children, very much so, I am so happy to have my own children. DH and I are more than happy to have 1 child thats biologically ours, and then adopt/foster more. Its a compromise that as far as I'm aware we're both happy with.

There are unbelievable strains on NHS resources. The NHS is barely surviving. So to PP who say you should be ‘entitled’ on the NHS to a choice - think of the others that need NHS resources that are being deprived. The OP is right to pay privately for an ‘elective’ CS. Having children in the first place is ‘elective’ (and many without the NHS wouldn’t be able to afford to have children safely at all) so anything extra should be out individual pockets IMO.

I think you're never going to find the 'right' answer here, it will always be a conundrum for the two of you to resolve between you. The question is whether your DH will resent it forever if you ask him to stump up the money. I can understand that you are 100% committed to wanting a section, that's your personal choice. So I think you should pay for it with your personal money, not his.

Kittyn Tell him firmly that if he wants this - joint - biological child
then finances related to pregnancy, birth, aftercare and childcare must be 50 : 50 too

All decisions related to birth, BF etc are to be solely the person whose body is performing these;
so he is free to grow the appropriate organs and lactating breasts .. or to let you make all these decisions.
His choice,

Otherwise - it's back to fostering / adoption for child 1 too.

NommyChompers

I doubt we will end up going on the NHS. I would feel bad taking up appointments/resources when we don't need then, all because DH is being a tightwad careful with money

So I rather hopefully looked into this a few weeks ago.

The thing that concerns me is that the cost isn't guaranteed, so if something goes wrong and you need extra treatment you could end up with a bill a lot higher than you expected.

1 EMCS and one elected [as a result of the EMCS] which turned emergency.
I wouldn't go private for a c-section. When things go wrong, the NHS is the best place to be.
I think you are putting the cart before the horse - you will have plenty of time to discuss options once you are pregnant.

BigChocFrenzy

I know I should put my foot down on this, but I don't want to offer him an ultimatum, because I know that if I challenged him like that he would back down and pay for it. But I don't want to bully him into it, I want him to see that its OUR child, so its OUR responsibility to pay

I think if you want it you should pay for it. In my opinion to expect your husband to pay half would be unreasonable.

I think it's abhorrent that a man should pressure a woman to have a vaginal birth if she's clear she doesn't want one, and even worse for him then to punish her for it.

He sounds like a complete arsehole. You're the one going through pregnancy and delivery. Plus anyone who bangs on about vaginal being better because it's 'natural' needs to go take a long walk off Beachy Head. Cliffs are natural too.

GrimDamnFanjo

I know I'm probably jumping the gun a bit here (can never be to prepared eh?), but I don't want a vaginal delivery under any circumstance, so I don't want to find myself pregnant and not be able to get a CS.

I think I'm going to opt for a private wing of an NHS hospital, as several other people (on here and irl) have convinced me that this is the best place to go

I think you should actually forget the whole idea of having a baby! It horrifies me that you've said you didn't want one, and have only agreed because your DH wants a biological baby. A baby is a living, breathing thing, not a possession to do with as you please. The NHS provides maternity care at vast cost to the tax payer. Having a section because you can't be arsed to push your baby out stinks. You could have an epidural to be pain free. Much safer for you both, less of a drain on the NHS and a much shorter recovery time than major abdominal surgery has. You won't be able to drive for 6 weeks, will struggle to hold your baby for a couple of weeks, have a scar, risk an embolism. Is this the reason yo wanted to adopt? Because you're not prepared to give birth? Are you Kim Kardashian?

I know that if I challenged him like that he would back down and pay for it. But I don't want to bully him into it, I want him to see that its OUR child, so its OUR responsibility to pay

If you cannot make him understand this, nor understand that you're the one who has to endure delivery and the subsequent changes to your body (is he stupid? Does he not understand that women give birth and men don't?), you should seriously consider whether you want a child with him. Pregnancy and delivery are yours alone to bear, and you alone will bear the permanent changes afterwards. He has no right to pressure or punish you for not doing it the way HE wants. He's a man, who gives a shit how he thinks birth should go?

Tell him when he has to shit a watermelon for you to have a child together, he gets to decide.

You wouldn't be refused a c section as long as you are clear and on top of it. Read NICE guidelines.

More worrying for me is that you are willing to have a child with a man who doesn't want to share costs at least 50/50 - particularly as it would be his biological child. Also, given your update that he's the one pushing for a biological child instead of adopted, I'd say you have a DH problem. You are married for starters, in my marriage we don't concern ourselves with 'his and hers' money. Instead we share goals/costs and they are shared responsibilities.

I also hate to disillusion your DH but once you have kids, 'disposable income' is a distant memory.

What will happen if you want a slightly nicer pram than DH thinks is necessary? Will you have to pay more for it? Will you support you financially through any maternity leave so you don't lose out financially and maintain the same income?

Exactly OP - you are completely right - your body your choice (and acknowledging that the choice needs to be paid for). Some PP just seem so focused on getting everything the guidelines say they can have and forget that the medical staff don’t ration treatments for fun just to enjoy disappointing their patients.

Bezm

Wow you've made a lot of assumptions there, aren't you quite the detective

I don't want a vaginal birth, because of things that have happened in my past which would make it hugely traumatic for me. So the pain or "effort" isn't the thing thats stopping me.

I'm also not planning on using NHS resources, if you'd actually read the post (which you clearly haven't), so the "vast cost to the tax payer" isn't really an issue here

I don't blame you at all for wanting a c section, I've had 1 vaginal delivery and one elcs, for my vaginal delivery I had a fourth degree tear, two blood transfusions, and had to stay in hospital four days. My elcs I went in for 6am, cs at 11.30am and discharged 11.20am the very next day!! Not gonna lie and say cs recovery was easy or anything, but the whole experience was calmer, amazing and one million times better than my vaginal, I saw baby straight away unlike my first as I was whisked away after a few minutes....I feel I bonded quicker and better too. And as far as NHS was concerned, I didn't have to fight anyone for a section, however that could have been mainly to do with the tear I experienced, the consultant and PA said yes straight away and I was that panicky someone would change their mind or not let me they booked it for me 2 months in advance so I had a date there and then and could relax (subject to change of course)
Im in the north west if that helps.
All the best with your decision x

OP, is he one of those men (and I'm afraid it usually is men) who thinks of children not as new, independent people, but as his 'bloodline' or something like that? Like a crap Robert Baratheon?

It's just a combination of the fact that a) he is the one insisting on a biological child b) but you have to birth it in the way HE deems to be 'right' despite the fact that it's not his fucking body and won't make any difference to the child and c) he doesn't want to contribute any money if it's not going to go his way. It's a shitty combination that screams a certain type of person to me and certainly a certain type of father.

I mean, I would think that any decent person wouldn't mind sharing costs in order to spare their beloved life partner a horrifically traumatic experience, especially when the end result is a child.

A nicer pram? You're talking a couple hundred quid there, not thousands.....

Your putting the cart before the horse here. Why don’t you ask for an elective. Most places you only need a reasonable reason and they give it to you

It cost us around 23k for private at the Lindo. This was consultant care from 6 weeks pregnancy, all scans at Fetal Medical Centre, hospital caesarean fees, anaesthetist, staying for 4 nights after (think first night was included in the initial hospital fee).

I don’t understand the separate finances as we have always shared everything but I think if you have a child you should treat finances as a family. Obviously as this birth choice is important to you, the cost of bearing a child should be covered by both of you as should the future costs of raising the child.