Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU? 28 Weeks and furious...

135 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 31/07/2018 17:23

This is my first post on MN and feel like I am maybe being 'slightly' unreasonable, but then again maybe not.

I am 28 weeks and due in October, my pregnancy came as a huge shock to both me and DP as we really were not planning on having a child this early in our lives however we have both accepted that this is happening and our baby is very much loved and we cannot wait to meet her. His family have been great with the news, my family have dealt with the news and have come around and are very much excited now.

Here is where i might be getting unreasonable, DP feels the need to share everything with his DM, and I mean everything. I have decided to go down the route of elective cesarian after A LOT of thought and even more talking with DP, while i can understand it may not be the way he had envisioned the birth of our first, he has come to terms that it is what I want and is lessening the anxiety/fear i have surrounding the birth. However when my consultant finally agreed (after much arguing) that cesarian would be the way forward, he told his DM straight away. This has since prompted what i feel are digs at me that "Sure it's wee buns.", "It's not that hard", "Once the heads out thats it, its all gravy after that".

I had expressly said that i didn't want this talked about to family mine or his, that i felt how our baby was brought into this world was between me and him and no one else. Now I'm dealing with his DM and other members of his family telling me how easy it is to give birth and I feel like I'm under attack, i understand that women do this every day of the year and the risks are not what they use to be, but i cannot get past my own anxiety and it has caused me to lose sleep, i honestly feel it is whats right for me. I understand that they are his family but AIBU to feel like my wishes are being ignored and making a mountain out of a mole hill?

OP posts:

PrivateDoor · 31/07/2018 17:27

YANBU at all, this is your business, not theirs! It is a shame he didn't say it was due to a medical complication or that baby was breech or something so they would lay off. I would be furious with my DH for giving out personal information like this!

The only thing I would say, and I doubt it will sway you as you clearly have your mind made up, think about how many children you want in the future - each birth will become more riskier than the previous when having sections. I am sure you are aware of this but I always think it is worth a mention!

MangoApplePear · 31/07/2018 17:30

Stand firm. YANBU. This is your decision and your body.

Original poster

BlondeAmbition44 · 31/07/2018 17:55

@PrivateDoor, that was sort of my plan i know i can't hide the fact I've had a cesarian, but i would have just said baby was breech, I just feel so let down, i know he probably is just worried but I really didn't want it discussed with family, I've already had one member of his family tell me "It's a wonderful experience and that no matter what not to take any kind of pain relief as i don't want the chemicals clouding my judgement". I have put a lot of thought in to my decision and I appreciate your very valid points, there is no harm in giving out the facts :)

OP posts:

Justanothernameonthepage · 31/07/2018 17:57

YANBU. Next time ask them their opinion on vasectomies.
Oh and remind DH that you are the patient and if he can't respect your wishes around the birth you'll look for another birthing partner as you need to focusing on what's best for you and the baby, not having someone causing you stress and anxiety as you can't rely or trust them.

Justanothernameonthepage · 31/07/2018 18:00

And from someone who has given birth both ways, both have positives and negatives. But what's important is having support. Being anxious and stressed does not lead to a good experience. Being listened to and consulted does - even when it's a different experience to the one pictured

BobbleHat102 · 31/07/2018 18:01

OP are you me???

I have the exact same issue with an oversharing DP, 28 weeks, going for the ELC... I have told him NOT to discuss my private medical info with his family. Waiting to see if this will be respected... will be fuming if not!!

MrTrebus · 31/07/2018 18:01

YANBU but if I could go back and have a normal birth rather than deal with my c section "overhang" I would. But c section was emergency anyway so I had no choice but as long as you're sure that's fine, just smile and now when they bring it up and change the subject. Don't get furious it's not good for you or your baby. Congratulations x

MrTrebus · 31/07/2018 18:02

*smile and nod

Livinglavidal0ca · 31/07/2018 18:03

Your body, your choice, I’d be fuming to be honest.

whattimeislove · 31/07/2018 18:05

YADNBU - your body, your choice. No one gets a medal for how "natural" the birth or how little pain relief they had.

Tell them that the decision is made and you're not prepared to have any further conversations about it. Tell him that if he wants to be involved in further decision making he needs to respect your need to keep it to himself & not spread it around his family.

SugarIsAmazing · 31/07/2018 18:06

Im surprised that you'd prefer to have an elective c-section rather than a natural birth. I'm even more surprised a consultant has agreed to it!

Childbirth is really not that bad!

Bezm · 31/07/2018 18:07

YABU. Don't forget, this is not just your baby. Whilst you may have the ultimate say in how it is born, your DP may not be happy about this as it is a risky procedure. And whilst you may not want to share this with anyone else, he might want to tell his family about his baby! Try to put yourself in his shoes, you want to tell your DM about the baby, he doesn't. Would you be able to keep quiet? I doubt it.
Why do you feel the need to have an elective section? You'll have several weeks after to try to recover a major surgery. No doubt you'll expect your DP to look after you while you recover. You would be much better having an epidural and vaginal delivery,

DartmoorDoughnut · 31/07/2018 18:09

Sections are awesome (I’ve had 1 emergency and 1 planned) glad you’ve got what you wanted both wise and YADNBU to be pissed off with your DP

DartmoorDoughnut · 31/07/2018 18:10

Both = birth

isadoradancing123 · 31/07/2018 18:13

You do not have to justify it or make any excuses to anyone

Racecardriver · 31/07/2018 18:14

Honestly it is probably really difficult for him. You are putting yourself at a lot of risk here. It's not surprising that he needed someone to talk to. Yes he screwed up by talking to his mother about it but he is probably really scared. I would be in his position. You are in it for the long haul if you are having a child. A little bit of sympathy and patience is necessary. It's very unreasonable to get angry at him. Try to understand why he did it and move on. He's created a problem here. Instead of stewing about this you need to tell him to get his mother to stop talking about it because you are sensitive about it. Being angry isn't going to do anyone any good.

lolaflores · 31/07/2018 18:18

SugarisAmazing yeah. Not that bad.
its a doddle really....
what planet are you on !

Dreamingofkfc · 31/07/2018 18:19

It's his baby too, plus if he has concerns it's only natural he talks to his family. What's the point in lying, if you stand by your decision, then stand by it, don't hide from the real reason. The family are reacting fairly normallh tbf, ELCS for first baby is unusual

Confusedbeetle · 31/07/2018 18:20

I do think it says it all that you had to argue to get your consultant to agree. It would seem there is no medical reason to have a section. I wonder why you are so terrified of a natural birth. I can understand why your partner is struggling with this

Justanothernameonthepage · 31/07/2018 18:21

Bezm - she's not angry he told his family about the baby. In the op she says they've been great about the news on the baby.
She's not happy that he's discussing her personal medical choices against her wishes and they are ignoring her concerns and dismissing her choice. Giving birth is dangerous- no matter how it is done (and no consultant hands out Csec for no reason) and she needs support- not to have her wishes ignored and dismissed.
Going from another angle, if he wanted to have heart surgery bit OP was unsure and asked her to not tell anyone, only to discover that she'd blabbed all about it and he had his MIL constantly telling him he didn't need it, would he have to suck it up based on the fact that op might be the one looking after him so she should get a say.

Huskylover1 · 31/07/2018 18:24

Off topic slightly, but you have chosen to undergo MAJOR surgery, for no reason really.

I have had one vaginal birth and one C-Section, and honestly, the vaginal birth was far less traumatic. The main thing is to get your pain relief early on.

After my C-section, I felt like someone had opened by abdomen with an axe. I couldn't stand straight for weeks and I've also been left with an over-hang over the scar.

I know you've made up your mind, but in your shoes I'd go for vaginal delivery with an Epidural.

Sirzy · 31/07/2018 18:24

He needs to be able to share his concerns with someone!

Bluelady · 31/07/2018 18:25

Same planet as me apparently. I didn't find birth nearly as bad as I'd been led to believe but I'm prepared to concede we were both probably quite lucky.

Do what you feel is best for you, OP, you need to feel comfortable with what you're doing.

Redken24 · 31/07/2018 18:25

Don't feel like you have to make any reason for choosing an elective.
It's your choice - don't feel like you need to explain yourself.
Giving birth any way is not always plain sailing - I'm sure she is just worried about you and your baby if she is making comments like that.

Petalflowers · 31/07/2018 18:26

You need to start putting in the boundaries now, else we’ll be reading about the interfering mil in a few months time.

Fair enough to chat to his parents, but you need to make it clear that private decisions stay private. Otherwise, once baby is here, you will have their input of feeding, sleeping, what to wear etc. You need to make it clear to your dc,that decisions are made between the two,of,you, and their input isn’t required.

Congratulations on you pregnancy, and on deciding that a casaerian is the best way for you. That’s your decision and needs to be respected.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread