AIBU? 28 Weeks and furious...

[BlondeAmbition44]

This is my first post on MN and feel like I am maybe being 'slightly' unreasonable, but then again maybe not.

I am 28 weeks and due in October, my pregnancy came as a huge shock to both me and DP as we really were not planning on having a child this early in our lives however we have both accepted that this is happening and our baby is very much loved and we cannot wait to meet her. His family have been great with the news, my family have dealt with the news and have come around and are very much excited now.

Here is where i might be getting unreasonable, DP feels the need to share everything with his DM, and I mean everything. I have decided to go down the route of elective cesarian after A LOT of thought and even more talking with DP, while i can understand it may not be the way he had envisioned the birth of our first, he has come to terms that it is what I want and is lessening the anxiety/fear i have surrounding the birth. However when my consultant finally agreed (after much arguing) that cesarian would be the way forward, he told his DM straight away. This has since prompted what i feel are digs at me that "Sure it's wee buns.", "It's not that hard", "Once the heads out thats it, its all gravy after that".

I had expressly said that i didn't want this talked about to family mine or his, that i felt how our baby was brought into this world was between me and him and no one else. Now I'm dealing with his DM and other members of his family telling me how easy it is to give birth and I feel like I'm under attack, i understand that women do this every day of the year and the risks are not what they use to be, but i cannot get past my own anxiety and it has caused me to lose sleep, i honestly feel it is whats right for me. I understand that they are his family but AIBU to feel like my wishes are being ignored and making a mountain out of a mole hill?

The op told him not to talk to anyone about it - horrible thing to do imo and hardlh suprisjng so many men struggle with mental health post birth of children if they are so clearly expected not to care!

If childbirth was so easy, countless women wouldn't have died over the years giving birth. Women still die in childbirth, albeit very rarely, but that's thanks to medical intervention it's now so rare.

Some people do get lucky and have 'easy births, myself included. But many, many others don't.

Having a baby isn't about having an ideal labour, the goal is to have a baby at the end whether natural labour, assisted or section

YADNBU

And for all those who have said birth is not that difficult obviously never had a difficult birth.

Stand your ground on this or it'll be downhill all the way from now.

Good luck.

You don't want people's comments on ce-sec vs vaginal so I won't give you one. However the issue about him talking to hi mum I'm sorry but U think YABU - it is his baby as well and I wouldn't appreciate being told what I could and could not discuss.

Re. the lying thing. Parenting is full of decisions. Lots of people will tell you you are making the wrong ones, whatever you do. So 2bh you may as well get used to it rather than lie. 'It works for us' needs to be your mantra.

These is YOUR private medical details - if your partner can't stop ILLEGALLY sharing your private information then warn him he won't be going to any appointments with you.

Stamp your foot down with the in laws and be really blunt with them.
"I don't care, I am having a cesarean. It's not up for discussion."

When I decided to have my babies at home in a birthing pool with no pain relief people thought I was mad too. I fronted it out though and was very clear about what I wanted and anyone who tried to tell me I was putting myself & my babies in danger got shot down because it is my body so my choice. I didn't lie about the reasons, I was very open about them and my dh was free to talk to whoever he wanted if he needed reassurance.
It's nothing to be ashamed of being frightened of giving birth. You don't need to lie either. It's your body so it's your choice how you safely bring your child into the world. The consultant wouldn't have agreed (even if reluctantly) to go ahead with it.
Hold your head up and tell those who don't agree that unless it's them giving birth they can shut up about it.
I gave birth 3 times in a birthing pool at home and by the final time no one said a thing
Good luck op I hope you recover quickly and enjoy your new baby regardless of the way she arrives.

@sirzy I’m pretty sure the op didn’t mean he couldn’t speak to a medical professional!!! Plus he can always speak to her

@Strongmummy is absolutely right. The OP just asked her partner not to speak to their families - which he violated. If he was truly concerned, he could get an actual medical opinion from an expert, or personal support from a friend, or even go talk to a counselor. Instead, he broke her trust. She has every right to be upset. OP, YANBU.

And I can’t believe how patronizing some commenters are, just telling OP to have an epidural and a vaginal birth and it’ll be fine. Facts are facts - 90% of women tear or need a cut during a vaginal birth (Smith et al 2013), and 40% of them experience urinary incontinence in the future which is a higher rate than UI from c-section births (Gyhagen et al 2012). Epidurals don’t stop these things, if this type of loss of control is what OP fears, and I don’t blame her. And MN is full of comments from mums who didn’t get epidurals in time or for whom they didn’t work, anyway. Assuming the OP is some kind of idiot who didn’t do her homework, and lecturing her on vaginal births instead of answering her question, is uncalled for.

forgive me but you don't always have get a caesarean for a breech delivery or even a choice (says she with deep feeling) but mental health is important so no criticism (envy maybe!)

Yes because talking to a doctor is the same as talking to a trusted rwalarive!

The problem here should be the mother in law not keeping her thoughts to herself not someone seeking support from their mother!

OP I had a natural birth first time round and it went very badly and so second time round I was granted an elective caesarian. Best.thing.ever.

Also I have no overhang and no scar and no-one would every know I'd had one. Plus I didn't have to deal with the after effects of a very traumatic labour and delivery and was a much more content new mum second time round. And I didn't have to sit on a rubber ring for two months either. Stick to your guns and tell MIL to piss off!

This book helped me through my ELCS:
Caesarean Birth: A Positive Approach to Preparation and Recovery

Good luck. I would be immensely pissed off in your situation x

You must give birth however you feel comfortable. It’s your body so it’s your choice. I don’t think it’s a good idea to have lied about the reasons for the c section, but be honest, give your reasons and then shut up about it. Ignore the comments and they will give up and accept your decision. Have a word with DP about privacy and then concentrate on your baby.

By the way, you are entitled to chose an ELCS, although you will encounter some resistance for both ideological and economical reasons

www.nhs.uk/conditions/caesarean-section/#asking-for-a-caesarean

The reasons why you can choose an ELCS is because according to the latest NICE guidelines, risks are comparable. Another fact: 1 in 4 deliveries are CS. Also, the vast majority of risks are associated to emergency sections.

Imagine if some were trying to convince others to please please reconsider their vaginal birth choice.

To those saying the DP needs support...

He's 28. He made a baby. His wife is facing delivery. His first job is to shut up and support her. Instead he has put her front and centre in the firing line for all sorts of unhelpful, unsupportive, out-of-line comments. There's no excuse for that. If he was naive enough not to know his mum would do this, then he will have to prove it by never making his pregnant partner's life harder in this way again. The pregnant lady comes first. If his mother had behaved (or if he was telling her in no uncertain terms to shut up now) it wouldn't be quite so bad.

Not read everyone's comments but my feelings are that it is you carrying his child for 9 months, you giving birth with ALL that that involves! Your choices and feelings are paramount!
It is no one else's business how you choose to give birth. I feel angry on your behalf that anyone, especially your DH, would deign to express an opinion! Let alone discuss it against your wishes.

When men go through a pregnancy and give birth, well maybe then they might have an opinion but since that would be against everything natural I wouldn't give a seconds thought to their opinions.

I would be very unhappy with my DH and he would would be in no doubt about that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Stick to your guns. 💐

*@BlondeAmbition44 *
Your birth your choice. You say your DP supports your choice too which is great. I do think it's unreasonable to then ban your DP from talking about that choice, it's not really something you'll be able to hide when you have the baby and for a little time afterwards. Perhaps though you feel defensive over your decision and therefore didn't want to deal with his family trying to persuade you, particularly if they "have form" for doing this (ie being dismissive of your choices).

Once baby is here you will enter a whole world of decisions to be made that others will have a strong opinion on. Breast vs bottle, cloth vs disposable, dummy or not, baby-led weaning or puree, attachment parenting or not.....the list is endless. So my advice would be to get strong and develop a thick skin. As long as you are informing yourself (as you have done with this decision) and making the best decision for you and baby, then it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

OP, YANBU.

To all the posters who have given their unsolicited judgement of the OP’s birth plan, YAB completely U. The OP didn’t ask whether she should have an ELCS. She asked whether she should feel upset about her partner sharing her medical decisions with his family, who have then gone on to pass their, also unsolicited, judgement on her decision.

If the DP was making decisions about his own surgery, particularly surgery relating to his penis or reproductive system, and asked the OP not to tell anyone but she did anyway, I think people would be pretty outraged. If those people she had shared with then tried to harangue her DP into changing his mind, posters would be telling her DP to leave and rid himself of this meddling, disrespectful group of people. But because she is a woman and all this relates to her reproductive system it’s somehow up for debate and scrutiny?! How sexist and disgusting.

Sorry this is your first post to mumsnet OP. Some of the others boards on here might have been more supportive about this.

Why do random internet people feel they have the right to tell a stranger they’re choosing to birth their baby the wrong way? It’s her body, her choice. The same people saying her DP can be worried and talk about her intimate medical options with his family after she expressly told him not to would probably be up in arms in their own DPs were discussing in detail the third degree tears, stitches, how they shit the bed during childbirth themselves etc with their in laws. No. She didn’t want it shared, he should’ve respected that boundary.

I'm 38+2 and consultant on Thursday after scan where I am getting an induce date or c section date as the wee man is flipping between Transverse and oblique/engaged.

Now I've had a induced vaginal birth with forceps and was 100% fine afterwards as was baby but policy for transverse etc is c section.

YOU are in charge of your body and imho YOU have done the best thing for yourself and if it helps with any anxiety etc then go for it

I've had 3 C sections, 1 emergency and 2 elective because I carry big babies and have a small pelvis. My first son nearly died after me being 3 days in labour. I recovered very quickly after each op and was breast feeding and back to normal in just a few weeks with little help from family or friends. I've had no problems at all since health wise. (It's now 30 years later from the last op).

I've seen 2 daughters in law have emergency C sections after not dilating enough to give birth after more than 2 days in labour. They've both recovered just fine like I did. So yes there are horror stories but they are rare. Most people these days do survive C sections and I'm really glad that I had mine. After a 3 day labour for my first and each baby being bigger there's no way that I could face that again, mentally or physically.

Your husband should respect your decision and I understand why you're upset about him discussing it with his Mum. If you're consultant feels it's right for you that's great.

God it really, really gets up my nose just how many people think it's acceptable to try to tell a woman what she should do with her body. Risk assessment is, to an extent, individual - some women loathe the idea of an overhang but don't fear tearing whilst others find the prospect of a badly damaged undercarriage terrifying but are ok with stomach scarring. On balance the risks are fairly equal between vaginal vs ELCS; worse in some areas for one over the other but they broadly balance out which is why guidance now says women should have the choice.

OP is terrified of giving birth. She does not want to do it. Her consultant has agreed to an ELCS. Why on earth are people trying to push her to change her mind?!

And as for your partner - no, he needs to learn to STFU where his mother is concerned. If he's worried that's understandable but what isn't acceptable is to discuss those worries with someone who will then transfer that concern right back to the already anxious OP.

Thank you guys, I don't feel like i'm being so unreasonable about him sharing the birthing plan with his DM. I may just have to get use to smiling and nodding throwing in the occasional "mmmm" or "Ohhh thats interesting" lol.

I have really thought about this 'long and hard' and attended all the getting ready for baby courses and even a hypno-birthing class on the advice of my consultant in order to 'inform myself' and see if these would ease my anxiety, however the more information i got the worse my anxiety got. I discussed this all with DP and he even attended the classes with me! We talked about my decision and he agreed that what ever i felt was best he would support.

I have no problem if he has concerns talking to the consultant or even friends about it, but i said i didn't want it discussed with family because i had a feeling that it would result in what I feel is the demeaning of my choices and while his DM is nice enough I really wouldn't trust her not to say anything.

I completely understand how the OP feels in terms of anxiety regarding vaginal birth. I had heard so many horror stories from women about complications during childbirth etc that I was so freaked out about something happening to my child. I ended up having a c section, was the best option for me and turns out, due to complications during the pregnancy, definitely the best option for my DS!!

OP has made her decision, so leave her to it!

OP, I think you need to tell your DH that if he can’t be trusted to keep his mouth shut with this sort of stuff, that you just won’t be telling him anything else re midwife appts, etc.

Congratulations!