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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? 28 Weeks and furious...

135 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 31/07/2018 17:23

This is my first post on MN and feel like I am maybe being 'slightly' unreasonable, but then again maybe not.

I am 28 weeks and due in October, my pregnancy came as a huge shock to both me and DP as we really were not planning on having a child this early in our lives however we have both accepted that this is happening and our baby is very much loved and we cannot wait to meet her. His family have been great with the news, my family have dealt with the news and have come around and are very much excited now.

Here is where i might be getting unreasonable, DP feels the need to share everything with his DM, and I mean everything. I have decided to go down the route of elective cesarian after A LOT of thought and even more talking with DP, while i can understand it may not be the way he had envisioned the birth of our first, he has come to terms that it is what I want and is lessening the anxiety/fear i have surrounding the birth. However when my consultant finally agreed (after much arguing) that cesarian would be the way forward, he told his DM straight away. This has since prompted what i feel are digs at me that "Sure it's wee buns.", "It's not that hard", "Once the heads out thats it, its all gravy after that".

I had expressly said that i didn't want this talked about to family mine or his, that i felt how our baby was brought into this world was between me and him and no one else. Now I'm dealing with his DM and other members of his family telling me how easy it is to give birth and I feel like I'm under attack, i understand that women do this every day of the year and the risks are not what they use to be, but i cannot get past my own anxiety and it has caused me to lose sleep, i honestly feel it is whats right for me. I understand that they are his family but AIBU to feel like my wishes are being ignored and making a mountain out of a mole hill?

OP posts:
StoatOfManyColours · 31/07/2018 18:26

Why wouldn’t she be terrified? Tales of poorly managed pain relief, poor midwifery care and birth injuries abound. Giving birth can be truly horrific, I can totally understand why OP would want an ELCS.

YearOfYouRemember · 31/07/2018 18:27

Did you tell him not to tell anyone?

And section is major surgery and I would look into getting some support for why you think this is best for you.

I had to have an emergency c section and then had problems with the next birth due to it and nearly died along with my baby at the next one. All due to having a section and complications with it afterwards. Think very carefully as I'd hate for you to have the same situation. We don't have the amount of children we wanted either because of it and we didn't chose the section.

StoatOfManyColours · 31/07/2018 18:28

That’s a response to confusedbeetle by the way, slow typing! Smile

Clairetree1 · 31/07/2018 18:29

well, it is his baby too, and if he's not entitled to discuss his baby with his mother, I'm not sure who he is entitled to discuss it with.

Who is paying for the caesarian?

Floralnomad · 31/07/2018 18:29

YANBU about his over sharing , particularly if you specifically asked him not to YABU to tell people / expect him to tell people that you had a Caesarian because the baby was breech ( or any other tales) , you’ve chosen your route and need to just stand by that decision there is no need to tell lies .

LastNightsMakeUp · 31/07/2018 18:29

Just own it OP, I went through 48 hours of labour, fully dilated and extended pushing to end up with an emergency section. This time I'm planning an elective section so as to not go through that again. You may just have to bluntly lay it on the line to them all once and ask that they respect your decision. I wouldn't be furious with DP for telling his mother, he needs someone he can talk to about the baby too. You've made a valid educated decision with your consultant, don't be ashamed of that.

Pp who mentioned the c-section overhang 😭 I'm with you - it's brutal!

LuluJakey1 · 31/07/2018 18:29

What does 'Sure it's wee buns' and 'Once the head's out it's all gravy after that' mean?
She sounds charming. None of her business and your DP needs to learn about privacy between you.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 31/07/2018 18:30

Birth can be unpleasant, but so can c-sections. My nephews gm was left disabled from an epidural, plus natural birth can often be better for the baby.

I was anxious about labour too, it’s really not that bad though.

Babyroobs · 31/07/2018 18:32

I'm another one amazed that C sections are granted on request.

FruitOnAPlatter · 31/07/2018 18:36

Ignore the comments - but TBH, it would have been unlikely to remain secret, simply because the healing is going to be different (I presume - I'm 2 EMCSes myself) - after a vaginal birth, my sister was up and about, but a bit tender down below, but could do things like bounce the baby on her lap and things, after my EMCS I was up and about, but given the surgery I had to be careful with lifting/twisting and sitting up until my stitches healed. Anyone spending time with you would notice that I would have thought.

HootOnABoat · 31/07/2018 18:36

Funny how horror stories of birth are bountiful but as soon as a woman elects to not put herself through that it's not that bad Hmm

OP, how old is your DP? He sounds a bit immature and young. If he really is young then there's hope he'll mature with time, but if he's a proper adult age then you might have to think about whether this is something you can put up with long term.

Condragulations · 31/07/2018 18:37

WTF is up with people saying it’s his baby too?
Is it his birth experience? Will he personally be birthing the baby?

Will he flip! Vaginal births can be wonderful and beautiful experiences; they can also be dangerous and traumatic and if a c section can put a stop to OPs anxiety and sleepless nights then it’s just between her and her consultant whether she has one isn’t it?
It’s nobody else’s business and certainly not her partner’s family members Hmm

YANBU

GabsAlot · 31/07/2018 18:37

if someone wants a section its their business i dont think comingon here sying whose paying for it and people had awful scares are helping

Pengggwn · 31/07/2018 18:39

Really not her place to comment and yes, I would be really annoyed.

Giving birth was phenomenally painful for me. I can absolutely see why someone would opt for a c-section (not that it matters whether I can see it or not).

cholka · 31/07/2018 18:39

When you say you hadn't planned a baby this early, are you super young like in your teens? It's not that surprising that your partner would talk to his mum if so - you'll probably be looking to family for even more support than parents are usually, so I'd try to build the relationship if possible.
And I agree that unfortunately there's no 100% pain-free way to have a baby - with a c-section you might not have the pain in labour but recovery can be difficult and painful, when you have a newborn too. You start out with a catheter which is about as fun as it sounds. I don't mean to scare you, do what you want with your body, but c-section is not a walk in the park.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 31/07/2018 18:41

YADNBU. You are choosing the option that's right for you. With some thought and with a consultants approval. I'd be livid and let down to be questioned in this way by someone I would hope was on my side and understood. I wouldn't want him as a birthing partner either. Why have that judgemental man sitting in.

FWIW I think I would feel the same way you do. You know your mind- yours is the opinion that counts.

Ummmmgogo · 31/07/2018 18:44

sorry op I'm another one saying I had a section and a forceps birth and forceps was MUCH MUCH better. I can see why he felt the need to tell his mum. try and move on from your anger, I know that's easier said than done xxx

OneForTheRoadThen · 31/07/2018 18:46

It always amazes me too when people want a section for their first child. It's completely understandable if you had a bad time in a first birth but putting yourself through major abdominal surgery, anaesthetic, the longer recovery time etc seems crazy to me. I almost had to have an EMCS with DD and I was so glad she came too quickly for that. We're all different though! Good luck with your birth OP.

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 31/07/2018 18:51

@LuluJakey1 she means its easy :/

@HootOnABoat he's 28 so I would say that he should be old enough to know that when he's told i don't want it discussed exactly what that means, he knows i'm not happy about it being discussed but doesn't see the big deal

@cholka I'm 25, so not young young, but still a lot younger than i thought i would be when i had my first.

OP posts:
AGirlinLondon · 31/07/2018 18:54

YANBU - and I am on the other side of this. My parents are medics - health is a very open topic of discussion in my family and I have shared a lot about my antenatal care and plans with them. My OH (guy) does not like this - considers it to be much more private. I have learned that he already feels like a bit of a spare part and sharing too much with them doesn’t help this. So - compromises, like we delayed sharing news of my pregnancy with them so he could have some time with just the two of us knowing. He also finds the serious medical chat quite morbid. I’ll admit it took me a while to see his side (given I am birthing the flipping baby - my choice) but it’s a partnership - so definitely worth more conversations with your OH (and a threat to keep him out of discussions if it carries on might not go amiss). I needed the wake up call!!

Strongmummy · 31/07/2018 18:54

Tell them to politely fuck off. It’s your body, your business, not theirs. Also remind your husband that he needs to manage his family better and his priority is to you and your health

OneForTheRoadThen · 31/07/2018 18:55

Tbf @cholka I had 2 vaginal births and had a catheter with both 🙈 so it can happen whether or not you had a section!

FloweryTwats45 · 31/07/2018 18:55

God, how tiresome, this does not bode well for the future.

Strongmummy · 31/07/2018 18:57

@onefortheroad, it might “amaze” you, but I sincerely hope 1) you acknowledge everyone doesn’t feel the same 2) you don’t say anything about your amazement because it’s insensitive.....oh you just have 🙄

Freshfeelings · 31/07/2018 18:57

YABU. I think you've probably never had major surgery if this option gives you less anxiety than the idea of a vaginal birth.

You're going against medical advice - I think your partner has a right to be deeply concerned about both your physical and mental health and if he doesn't feel you're being rational who else is he meant to turn to?