AIBU? 28 Weeks and furious...

[BlondeAmbition44]

This is my first post on MN and feel like I am maybe being 'slightly' unreasonable, but then again maybe not.

I am 28 weeks and due in October, my pregnancy came as a huge shock to both me and DP as we really were not planning on having a child this early in our lives however we have both accepted that this is happening and our baby is very much loved and we cannot wait to meet her. His family have been great with the news, my family have dealt with the news and have come around and are very much excited now.

Here is where i might be getting unreasonable, DP feels the need to share everything with his DM, and I mean everything. I have decided to go down the route of elective cesarian after A LOT of thought and even more talking with DP, while i can understand it may not be the way he had envisioned the birth of our first, he has come to terms that it is what I want and is lessening the anxiety/fear i have surrounding the birth. However when my consultant finally agreed (after much arguing) that cesarian would be the way forward, he told his DM straight away. This has since prompted what i feel are digs at me that "Sure it's wee buns.", "It's not that hard", "Once the heads out thats it, its all gravy after that".

I had expressly said that i didn't want this talked about to family mine or his, that i felt how our baby was brought into this world was between me and him and no one else. Now I'm dealing with his DM and other members of his family telling me how easy it is to give birth and I feel like I'm under attack, i understand that women do this every day of the year and the risks are not what they use to be, but i cannot get past my own anxiety and it has caused me to lose sleep, i honestly feel it is whats right for me. I understand that they are his family but AIBU to feel like my wishes are being ignored and making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Off topic slightly, but you have chosen to undergo MAJOR surgery, for no reason really.

I have had one vaginal birth and one C-Section, and honestly, the vaginal birth was far less traumatic. The main thing is to get your pain relief early on.

I also have had one of each, CS first. I wish I'd insisted on CS for both for so many reasons. It wasn't the pain that was an issue (no pain relief and stupidly high pain threashold), but the resulting damage from the birth. When I looked into things afterwards, I found my midwives department had under stated the statistics for VBAC quite a bit.

@onefortheroad loads of people have misunderstood the AIBU on here yes, but yours was the first I picked up on and now I’m responding to your comments back.

@kittykat, my thoughts exactly !!!!!

Strongmummy thank you. as you say, the OP isn’t asking for opinions on vaginal re c-section deliveries. She’s asking about her DH discussing every detail of the pregnancy with his DM and his DM then telling OP what to do.

YANBU! I remember texting DP after a midwife appointment to tell him I needed another scan... 5mins later I'm sat in the co-op car park scoffing my face with cake and his mum rings asking all about it! I felt it was a massive invasion at the time and was furious with DP!

You're growing this baby, it's your business x

I wanted a natural birth but ended up having an emergency c section where the epidural wore off half way through and I had to be put under. I felt like I was ripped apart and ended up in a&me after overdoing it by just visiting my daughter in neonatal. Honestly, I know everyone says the day their baby was born was the best day of their life but (and I admit this through gritted teeth) it was one of the worse of mine. I'm sure it'll be different for you with it being elective but I didn't see my baby for 22 hours then I could barely hold her, sit up, go to visit her in neonatal without having to ask someone to push me there in a wheelchair. I feel completely powerless and like this precious moment had been taken from me.
I've had a lot of people trying to tell me I had it easy with having a section and I smile and nod while crying inside. Plus I despise my wonky scar and overhang. I just believe that the 'too posh to push', 'easy way out' dialogue should be challenged because it's just heart wrenching and fundamentally not true.
Also, I don't blame your OH for discussing it with his mum, it's a massive decision that you are making and he needs to figure it out in his own head and talking it out with a third party can be very beneficial.

YANBU

Pregnant myself though, I've learnt people (especially those closest) have an opinion on bloody everything and most will criticise every decision. Don't let it get to you, do what you like. They're not the ones pushing a baby out their hole.

@blondambition44 you are right to insist on the birth procedure which reduces your fear and anxiety.

To everyone else MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS about the OP has arranged her medical care.

It doesn’t matter who is paying for it.

Who disagrees with it.

Who had twenty vag births and each one was a sneeze.

The OP has stated she’s getting an elective cesarean birth, and her doctors have agreed to that, now can we just get on with the important point of the thread, that the OPs partner seems to be a numpty, and has overinvolved his overbearing family in her birth decisions.

She needs strategies, and fast, to shut the naysayers up, and get her DP to toe the line of supporting HER, not his Dm!

Naysayers on this thread are totally missing the point.

Childbirth is really not that bad!

For you perhaps - I still feel traumatised many years on after mine and they were all textbook deliveries.

*Im surprised that you'd prefer to have an elective c-section rather than a natural birth. I'm even more surprised a consultant has agreed to it!

Childbirth is really not that bad!*

Actually it is that bad for a lot of people. Do you not realise how patronising you sound?

Ignore the posters who have completely missed the point of your thread, OP. A consultant gynaecologist had a thread a few weeks ago and stated that most of her colleagues choose c-sections when having their own children - both because (so she says) it's safer for the baby than a birth where something goes wrong, and to avoid problems caused by tears. So if its good enough for them...

I think you and your partner are going to encounter more problems like this until he realises that there are things which are private to you both as a couple and should go no further. But he won't stop acting like this until he understands why a relationship needs its own sacred, private space. It might not be possible for him to change this in a day.

, and get her DP to toe the line of supporting HER, not his Dm!

And who supports him?

I would not want my DH telling me what I could and couldn't discuss with my DM, about a huge event in my life, that I had all kinds of feelings about.

So if your DH asked you not to discuss his medical information with your mum you'd go against that and be annoyed he'd asked you? Because thats what it is, ops medical information. Why does it matter to his family what way the baby enters the world?

YANBU but if you think this is bad wait until the baby is born and you get all kinds of unsolicited advice and comments, just ignore it.

gowie What a horrific experience. I don't think an elective c section is anything like an emergency. It's a different procedure in a much more controlled environment and there is no chance the epidural would wear off. How annoying that people think your experience was like an elective, though. People just shouldn't comment.

You now have a concrete illustration of why MIL does not need to be confided in, ever.
Use it frequently..

OP YABU to come here for advice. It only gives voice to people wishing to project their internalized mysogeny over maternal choice, and those wanting to share their horror stories.

For balance: I’ve given birth both ways, second, an elective c-section, that was a wonderful experience. Happy to report all still in tact and can still wear a bikini. Zero overhang!

It really is nobody else’s business. Stand firm. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Tell him that it’s his baby, but it is YOUR pregnancy and that if he cannot respect your privacy, then he will not be welcome at any appointments or the birth. You told him that you didn’t want this discussed with anyone and he had NO right to do so. YOU are pregnsnt, not him.

@sirzy, I’m confused as to why you think the husband needs support. Support for what? Nowhere does the op suggest her partner is concerned about the c section. Just that it wasn’t how he envisaged the birth. If he has concerns he can speak to the consultant.

Agree with just smile and nod. Your body, your choice. I doubt your DP realised how much judgement/unwanted advice will sadly come your way, if he did he probably would've listened and kept schtum. The sad thing is the judgement and unwanted advice will keep on coming about whatever you do as a parent, most of the time it's well intentioned so you just have to get used to smiling and nodding 🤦‍♀️

Childbirth is really not that bad!

Yes that's exactly what people told me before I ended up having a 39 hour labour, drip induced so INSANELY painful contractions, an epidural that didn't work and no other pain relief as it all made me vomit constantly (vomiting during a contraction, can't tell you how fun that is). Only to then be told my baby was in distress and her heart rate was dropping so bad to be rushed for emergency section

Tell me again how easy it is?!

You don’t undetsrand why someone would need support while their partner undergoes major surgery?

@sirzy, But nowhere does the op say he has concerns about the c section. You’ve assumed that. the op expressly asked him not to tell his mil. He betrayed that. If he has concerns about the c section (which I would completely understand) speak to the experts !!!

Also - it's rubbish that birth by c-section isn't an amazing moment. You're meeting your child, it's amazing. I've had both vaginal and elective c-section births, and the feeling of clapping my eyes upon my babies for the first time was equally amazing both times. Don't let the naysayers put a dampener on it.

Did MIL have a section? I can imagine many men wanting to talk to their mum about c-sections if she had one rather than watching a video on them. (He is very unreasonable to break his promise to OP)