AIBU? 28 Weeks and furious...

[BlondeAmbition44]

This is my first post on MN and feel like I am maybe being 'slightly' unreasonable, but then again maybe not.

I am 28 weeks and due in October, my pregnancy came as a huge shock to both me and DP as we really were not planning on having a child this early in our lives however we have both accepted that this is happening and our baby is very much loved and we cannot wait to meet her. His family have been great with the news, my family have dealt with the news and have come around and are very much excited now.

Here is where i might be getting unreasonable, DP feels the need to share everything with his DM, and I mean everything. I have decided to go down the route of elective cesarian after A LOT of thought and even more talking with DP, while i can understand it may not be the way he had envisioned the birth of our first, he has come to terms that it is what I want and is lessening the anxiety/fear i have surrounding the birth. However when my consultant finally agreed (after much arguing) that cesarian would be the way forward, he told his DM straight away. This has since prompted what i feel are digs at me that "Sure it's wee buns.", "It's not that hard", "Once the heads out thats it, its all gravy after that".

I had expressly said that i didn't want this talked about to family mine or his, that i felt how our baby was brought into this world was between me and him and no one else. Now I'm dealing with his DM and other members of his family telling me how easy it is to give birth and I feel like I'm under attack, i understand that women do this every day of the year and the risks are not what they use to be, but i cannot get past my own anxiety and it has caused me to lose sleep, i honestly feel it is whats right for me. I understand that they are his family but AIBU to feel like my wishes are being ignored and making a mountain out of a mole hill?

It may be his baby but he’s not pushing it out of his vagina

Entirely your choice op. I had an emergency Caesarian after a 62 hour labour. If I could have elected to have it before going through the trauma of forceps (which didn’t work) I would have.

If I ever chose to have another baby dp would get absolutely no say in how it came out my womb. Neither would his family.

I think have a word with him about boundaries immediately. I’d be telling my dp he if he pulled anything like that again he wouldn’t be there.

As far as c section goes though if your consultant has agreed it’s no one else’s business.

@freshfeelings, the consultant has agreed to it however

He may not get a say but that doesn’t mean he isn’t allowed to be concerned.

I know if my partner was going through major surgery I would want someone to talk to about it!

YANBU, I’m also 28 weeks pregnant and still haven’t settled on my birthing plan but my OH knows it’s for us two to know unless we agree to discuss it with family for their opinion.

It doesn’t matter if they found it easy, your body your choice.

What I would say is when they start talking about it say “I’m really sorry but I’ve made my decision and discussed it with my midwife” and depending on if you want them to know it was meant to be private add “and I’m shocked OH told you because I’d asked him not to as I didn’t want these discussions with anyone else”.

Think sugarisamazing is a family member.

You need to tell your OH to find a better person to discuss giving birth with. Does he know anyone at work for instance?

I know it's not easy to get an elective c-s so tell the people who don't approve to fuck off. I did it vaginally 3 times and I'm happy to have kids but don't think that it's the amazing experience that it's cracked up to be. I think that it is pure luck that I had 3 quick labours that resulted in 3 healthy children.

I had expressly said that i didn't want this talked about to family mine or his, that i felt how our baby was brought into this world was between me and him and no one else

YANBU to want the birth your way - that's absolutely your right to choose and you owe no-one any explanation. However, and this is the tricky part - I would not want my DH telling me what I could and couldn't discuss with my DM, about a huge event in my life, that I had all kinds of feelings about.

As MN will tell you at every step of the way, it's his baby as well. He's allowed his feelings about your birth choice and he should be allowed to discuss his feelings with his DM, if that's his usual confidant. To close down his right to do is not something that I would welcome.

The comments you give as examples - if his family are usually nice and supportive, could you misreading them? Is his DM trying to (clunkily) reassure you for the right reasons?

Can you go for a fake smile and say “I’m really not looking for any advice thanks”?

I don’t care how you deliver your baby. I’m surprised so many posters do. I had an EMCS which was fine so I elected one next time round. That was fine too. If you’re expecting a section to be easy peasy and completely pain and discomfort free then you’ll be disappointed but I don’t see any reason to assume you’re an idiot.

@Strongmummy 1)yes I do acknowledge it in my post. Try reading before you get on your high horse. 2) its not insensitive, it's my opinion based on my experience of giving birth twice. Generally that's what people want when they start threads.

Can I just please please please ask you to see if there is any counselling availiable which may help you to change your mind re the birth plan?
Totally agree, it’s every woman’s right to choose etc.
I have had a vaginal birth and a C section. Plus and minus points for both, I th8nk it’s easier to have the discomfort before baby comes rather than after but each to their own.

What people seem to forget though since C sections are so common now is that this is major abdominal surgery and things can often go wrong.
I had a few problems after the section ( post partum haemorrhage, blocked bladder etc) but nothing to affect my life long term.
That problem came a few years later.
Fast forward ten years and I suffer with daily chronic pain.
I have dreadful adhesions. This is some thing which grows from scar tissue - from my csection- and which is unstoppable.
Sometimes it wraps itself round my bowel. Sometimes I cant move without crippling pain. I take 8 tramadol daily, plus paracetamol, plus oromorph and if it’s REALLY bad amitryptilene and slow release morphine. I have been holspitalised half a dozen times in the last 4 years and operated on once. Oh the adhesions can be cut away but they just come back - and every time they cut them away they have to,open you up which simply means more scar tissue. There’s no cure, no treatment. I have seen 4 NHS consultants and one privatly.
In truth, my health is fucked. I don’t know if I will ever walk again. Most days I can’t bend over to pick things up off the floor as the pain is too much.
I don’t know how common this is. I might be one in ten thousand or one in a million or one in a thousand. What I do know is that it can and does happen from major surgery. Now if I had to be operated on for something life saving I would have it done in a heartbeat, as would most people. But IF there was a choice - which there IS with birth- then unless it was imperative for the baby then no way would I have a pen opertion through choice.
Please please, just research it. I had no choice, I had pre eclampsia and the baby had to come out. But you do have a choice and so does every other woman who opts for a section. Please just have a look at Mr Google. Don’t live to regret it, trust me, it’s no fucking fun living in chronic pain surviving on a cocktail of drugs every day.

It’s fine for him to chat with his mum, but she shouldn’t be then discussing it with you. Next time she mentions it, you just tell her it’s none of her bloody business and you will not tolerate discussing your private medical business with her.

For those trying to put forward the benefits of a vaginal birth to OP... she has made her decision and will have heard everything you are saying from her midwives and consultants. The fact that her consultant has agreed to an ELCS for a first birth proves that her anxiety around birth is significant, as it is extremely rare for a c section to be granted for a first birth without a legitimate medical reason, her anxiety IS a legitimate medical reason.

OP, I think this thread proves that pretty much everybody likes to stick their two cents in when it comes to giving birth. It's different for everyone, some people find it way, for some people (myself included) it was a horrific experience (just a week behind you, 27 weeks and about to have my third section). Your MIL is only using her own experience to make her comments and not taking your thoughts into consideration at all. Just ignore her, if you can. And everybody else. It's your body and up to you how you decide to give birth

I feel yabu actually, sorry I don't mean to hurt your feelings. It's more the fact you say you planned to lie and say baby was breech, lies are never a good route. You cannot order your partner what to discuss with his parents and I'm afraid part of being in a long term relationship is accepting that in-laws know a bit about you that otherwise you might have kept private.
I would imagine most women saying it's not too horrific are trying to reassure rather than make digs...after all you never know what may happen. My first labour was 20 minutes and I only just got to hospital, for example.
I hope your birth goes as you wish, at the end of the day people care about your baby and you and that's always a blessing. Congratulations.

I've had c section and a vbac. If you don't feel comfortable with him potentially discussing very personally details from your c section I would think very long and hard about if you really want him there or not. My c section was very easy and straight forward but dh saw lots of things I wouldn't want him discussing with his mother, not that he ever would. It this point it's your body, your medical information and your choice.

Off topic slightly, but you have chosen to undergo MAJOR surgery, for no reason really.

I have had one vaginal birth and one C-Section, and honestly, the vaginal birth was far less traumatic. The main thing is to get your pain relief early on.

Just to add a differing opinion, I too have had one vaginal birth and one caesarean. Labour was awful and I thought I had a good pain threshold. The birth ended in third degree tear. The subsequent trip to theatre and shitty postnatal care was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced. The pain was terrible and recovery was slow.

In comparison, the elective section was a walk in the park.

@onefortheroad, I don’t think the op was asking if she’s being unreasonable for having an elective C section! She was asking if she’s being unreasonable for her husband sharing with her MIL.

Which route is better for the baby? I'd do that. (Ps I dont know which is better, never researched it)

yorkshire same here. I've had years of issues from scar tissue and have to take regular medication. My bowels have never fully recovered. I'm glad my babies were delivered safely but I hate what the aftermath has been to my body.

I can't get my head around anyone choosing to give birth that way so they can plan and think it's less hassle. Sorry.

YANBU. For me the issue isn’t what type of birth you want but MIL trying to make you feel bad for making the choice you have. Every birth is different. Some vaginal births are fairly ‘easy’ and some are flipping horrific. It’s ok for MIL to make out it’s a doddle but that’s HER experience and her opinion.

Can you talk more about this with DH and say that for him, his DMs involvement here is no big deal, but for you it is. And it makes you feel bad and somehow not doing what you’re supposed to. It really doesn’t matter how a baby is born. There’s no right or wrong way, no good way or bad way. And for posters saying it’s DHs baby too. Well so it is, but he’s not the one giving birth to it.

and just to blance things out with the bloody horror stories

my dsis has had 2 sections one emergency one elective-both went well she left 40 hours afdter her first 24 hours after her second with hardly any pain so its no debilitating everytime

@CocoaGin70 That's not the reason she has decided on a section, and if it was there is no way her consultant would agree to it. She stated in her OP she suffers with anxiety triggered by childbirth.

oh and she didnt ask if shes bu about having a casarean that want the question

@Strongmummy so are you going to go through the thread and respond to everyone else who has given their opinion or is it just my comments you have chosen to monitor?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You've come on Mumsnet hoping for a discussion on whether your partner should have kept his concerns to himself. Instead you have a bunch of strangers trying to convince you to opt for a vaginal birth if possible and giving you their own experiences. That should give you all the insight you need into why your partner who loves you asked his mother who I presume loves you to try and talk you around. They, more than anyone who's replied to you on here, want what's best for you and your baby xx

Some people are dickheads on this thread. The op hasn't come on here asking for opinions on c section vs vaginal. And to those saying that vaginal births are far easier, you clearly haven't suffered long lasting injuries like some of us.

Op YANBU. Your choice totally. Ignore any comments and try to brush them off.