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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday etiquette

253 replies

MINKY75 · 31/07/2018 14:26

AIBU? Come away with friends, them two adults two kids, just me and my two kids. We're SC so I'd assumed we'd come up with a fair way to share food bill. First shop they seemed surprised when I suggested paying a little less. Next shop I was again asked to pay half and again pointed out that I wasn't eating and drinking as much as their family. Would you keep quiet and pay half for the sake of a quiet life/harmony?

OP posts:
FaveNumberIs2 · 01/08/2018 18:23

I would’ve paid half for the accommodation. Then, we’ll nefire the holiday and with reminders up to travelling day, I would’ve told them that they see to their personal food and expenses and I would see to mine and my kids personal food and expenses.

maninaskirt · 01/08/2018 18:47

You've broached the subject with them once, and they agreed that you would pay less than half. Why is it a problem to say it again? Presumably they will respond the same way as before. And suggest that they pay for the next meal, the whole bill, because you have been paying for half of male friend's dinners. If they are reasonable they won't take ill out.

PurpleArmy · 01/08/2018 18:57

I think it says a lot about them that they with possibly two incomes are shafting you as a single Mother.

Start now as you mean to go on - quite firmly state that you are one Adult to their two and hand over what you owe. If they persist or give you a hard time then that is a tie you can cut loose.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 01/08/2018 19:00

Stop splitting it after the fact.

Put in £25 per adult and £10 per child or whatever. Then just use it accordingly. Easier than working fractions out.

Enthymeme · 01/08/2018 19:45

In this situation I absolutely would not go halves. Of course they should have offered. I think your friends are either thick or deliberately taking advantage. I would simply point out the difference in the size of the parties and invite them to suggest what they think is a reasonable split. Based on the rough assumption that adults eat twice as much as children they should pick up 6/10 (3/5). (P.S. between you and me nobody’s that thick. If they were how come they NEVER err on the side of generosity)

Kaybush · 01/08/2018 19:50

What SheWoreBlueVelvet said.

You need to keep things fair, but you also don't want to get the hump with friends on the first day of a holiday!

ChocolateWombat · 01/08/2018 20:05

It's tricky. When there are slightly less in your family and you go away with another family, I think you need to expect that everything won't be worked out to the penny per head. If you want to or need to just pay for exactly what you have, going away with other people doesn't really work.
That's said, I think etiquette would suggest the larger family is aware of it and works fairly hard to make sure the smaller family isn't out of pocket too often. So, this might mean offering to pay more than half for the accommodation, offering to pay for than half for the food or on days out and not expecting the smaller family to pay equal or more.

Fwiw, we are a family of 4 and go away with a family of 6. We have done it for years and always split the cost of accommodation and food etc when they were little kids and the other family had less of them. Until the bigger families kids were about 6 or 7 we continued to split - but now we always need an extra bedroom because of their 2 extra kids and they do eat more. To be honest, the extra expense is more to do with hiring a bigger place with an extra bedroom rather than the food bill. These days they pay a bit more than half (we never do an exact calculation and that's fine) for accommodation and when we settle up the food at the end, they will usually pay an extra £25 or similar. That all seems fine to me. We appreciate 4 kids is expensive and if we are subsidising them slightly that's fine because it isn't much and the key thing is we want to be with them.

If your family is taking up the same number of bedrooms as the other family, splitting is fair,me specially if there's a spare bed or place in a bed.

Regarding the food, how much are you actually talking about to split the bill equally versus them paying 4/7 or however you want to calculate it? Is it much?

I agree though it would be nice if they acknowledged you are fewer people and at least offered to pay more.

LifeImplosionImminent · 01/08/2018 20:06

I think these things need to be agreed up front before you set foot on your way but to me it depends on whether the other family have tiny appetites or simple tastes. Because you could end up costing more if you had ate like a bear and wanted caviar for example. Oh and whether money was an issue I suppose.

Mikklehaha · 01/08/2018 20:38

If I were in their situation I wouldn’t dream of asking a SP to pay half the food bills. That’s so cheeky. Some people are so self-regarding it bewilders me.

roarfeckingroar · 01/08/2018 20:51

Is money tight? I wouldn't care about this and would split but I'm fortunate in not having to worry about money. I think I would be annoyed if they were acting like dicks about it.

PintOfMineralWater · 01/08/2018 21:11

Is it too late to download one of those money-splitting apps that were made for situations like these?

bimbobaggins · 01/08/2018 21:21

That’s good you don’t need to worry about money roar but not everyone is in the same position. The op is a single mother and obviously does care about it.

LEDadjacent · 01/08/2018 21:21

I think it should be 2 kids = 1 adult so you pay 2/5 and they pay 3/5 - 60/40 as agreed. And you shouldn’t have to remind them at every turn!

For future reference, I’m away with friends at the moment and I know they don’t do splitting bills (ever!) so I offered to put it all on my card and they can pay me X% at the end. Makes it very easy each time a bill comes up.

Tmtiger · 01/08/2018 21:30

I think your forgetting the way of splitting the bill is just more straightforward. Maybe it's not a huge slight but just doing it the most straight forward way. May be next time you go round to there's they will get some good wine in and a good piece of meat and the balance will be off set. Then maybe you'll meet up and get a coffee pay the bill and then your £4 in debt by them. Which will shortly be balanced out by the supermarket bottle of wine she buys when she comes round to yours.

Maybe it's not an evil conspiracy and is more the natural credit/debit that flows over a friendship.

If your financial situation means that you will be out of pocket from it. Then you need to calmly explain to your friends that that's the case so they know going forward. No need for anyone to be out of order....

TotHappy · 01/08/2018 21:54

The 'natural credit debit that flows over a friendship' - I agree with that.

The time this sort of thing becomes embarrassing, I think, is when one or all of you are skint. Everything gets so troubling.

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 22:05

God I don't know anyone like that. The only people who ever suggest "just splitting it" are the people who owe the least. In my friendship group people who have had more always make sure they put in more. It often doesn't even out to be fair as some people like to order more when they eat out (routinely have a few cocktails, an expensive dish and starter etc.) while others (especially veggies and people who don't drink) always have cheaper meals.

Dexy1957 · 01/08/2018 22:25

When going on holiday with friends, we have always split the bill into single units and you pay how many are in your family .

We have been away with a family of 5 we are three and it has worked perfectly well

ChristineB58 · 01/08/2018 22:28

Shows the value of agreeing all of this stuff in advance. Personally - my experience is that once you go on holiday with 'friends' they end up as ex-friends when you are home. Self catering is especially problamatic. But do hope you have a good rest of the holiday :-)

Bacere · 01/08/2018 22:31

They are being mean. Please tell me you aren't doing most of the cooking and washing up too.

roarfeckingroar · 01/08/2018 23:35

@bimbo I know. Hence making the point that it depends on OP's position.

Cannyapper · 01/08/2018 23:44

It’s only picky if money is no object. £80 can be significant to some. Xx

roarfeckingroar · 01/08/2018 23:49

OF course. Hence saying 'if money isn't a problem...'

TheMonkeyMummy · 02/08/2018 00:06

Life is too short. Just go with it and next time, discuss in advance.

Alcina · 02/08/2018 00:14

Beers £10 and soft drinks £5 etc Shock Well, for a start, you are in the wrong place! Grin

As many others have said, you are 1 adult and your friends are 2 adults. So unless one (or both) of your friends eats like a bird and/or does not drink alcohol, while you eat like a horse and neck vodka from 9am till midnight - well, allowance should be made for the 1 adult/2 adults split. In other words, you should pay less for shopping/in restaurants or cafes/bars as you are 1 adult and they are 2.

As for the children - it really does depend on ages. Some years back, DP and I (no children) went on holiday with my brother, his wife and their 2 very young children. We split things 50:50.

If we went away with them today, given that the kids are now 15 and 13, we would not do a 50:50 - and DB and DSIL would not expect us to!

MrsEricBana · 02/08/2018 01:03

We had this scenario but slightly more unequal and we don't go away with that family any more as the implication was that I was stingy, whereas in my view they were pretty free and easy with the ordering and had a bigger family and expected us to pay half. YADNBU and do not let them make you feel bad.