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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday etiquette

253 replies

MINKY75 · 31/07/2018 14:26

AIBU? Come away with friends, them two adults two kids, just me and my two kids. We're SC so I'd assumed we'd come up with a fair way to share food bill. First shop they seemed surprised when I suggested paying a little less. Next shop I was again asked to pay half and again pointed out that I wasn't eating and drinking as much as their family. Would you keep quiet and pay half for the sake of a quiet life/harmony?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2018 07:37

They should be embarrassed. Not you. But then they won’t be as they would like cf’s.

GinUnicorn · 01/08/2018 07:42

Wow your friends sound really tight.

Of course you shouldn’t be subsidising one of their meals all week. 60/40 is much fairer.

Hope it gets sorted.

BIWI · 01/08/2018 08:36

You need to step up and be a bit more assertive then, if you've already discussed this! It's really not fair that you're subsidising their holiday at your expense.

Starlight345 · 01/08/2018 08:59

If you discussed it before and it was agreed before. Yanbu

rookiemere · 01/08/2018 10:13

From your update your friends are being awkward.
It makes a massive difference if you're paying for an extra adult. Would it be easier to suggest that you just start paying separately- say that your holiday budget is being pressed so you'd like to keep an eye on costs.
It's what we do now when our with BIL and SIL and whilst it felt a bit awkward to begin with it's actually a lot easier just to pay for what we had ( and not have our tip money subsumed into their share but that's a separate discussion).

FinallyHere · 01/08/2018 10:42

I'm really sorry to read that you have done all the right things and your friends are not sticking to the agreement, and that your reaction is to feel vulnerable and embarrassed I am glad you have posted here, please take some MN backbone and call them out on it. No need to be embarrassed, just a friendly ha ha, remember what we agreed, its supposed to be 40:60 and then stay pleasant but don't take no for an answer.

I can promise you that you would have had much more supportive responses, if you had started by saying we agreed to split bills 60:40 and now they keep trying to make it 50:50, AIBU. Its as if you don't trust that you made a sensible agreement that they are not sicking to. Please tell us how you get on, with your ew MN backbone 😀

Icanttakemuchmore · 01/08/2018 17:48

I'm in 2nd marriage, have girls from 1st marriage (adults). We all go out for meals together on special occasions and we always end up paying all. I think once ex h has paid for a take away! He never offers and we've got used to it!

Dartsplayer · 01/08/2018 17:49

We're off camping this weekend - one family of 5, one family of 4 and a one adult/one child family - we've split everything between 11 as its only fair and we're the family of 5

Caribbeanyesplease · 01/08/2018 17:53

Close enough to go on holiday together. A rare special and precious experience over the course of the year.

And yet an issue like this crops up.

I don’t get it. The friends I go away on holiday are long held true friends. If there was ever an issue like this, it would be chatted about over a coffee and resolved in all of two minutes

Ethsmum · 01/08/2018 17:54

Mmm ! Tough one.
I’m a bit of a softy so I’d probably pay half only because I was away and nothing worse than an atmosphere while away.
They say you don’t know someone until you’ve been away with them.
Now if I was at home, different matter.
I’d tell them to jog on and wouldnt bother with them again for being tight arses !!!!

Jaxhog · 01/08/2018 17:54

YANBU. It may seem simpler to pay half, but you are then paying for half the DH's costs. Which is not fair. If you've put this to them, and they haven't agreed, ask them which of them will be going home to make it an even split. Or suggest that you invite a friend to stay.

Next time, get this agreed in advance. Or don't go.

TheBlueDot · 01/08/2018 17:55

They seem thoughtless. When I go out with couple friends, we always base paying on per person. Otherwise I am subbing the couples but from a single income. My friends have always assumed we'll split per person to make it fair.

TattyCat · 01/08/2018 17:56

For all those saying that they'd just pay half because a friendship is more important: that's all well and good when it's a 'one off' event and I'd do the same. But take this over a 2 week period and it start to 'go off' a little!!

Caribbeanyesplease · 01/08/2018 17:57

Oh and without a shadow of a doubt, it would be 60/40

I’m a single mum with two.
Went on hol with family of four (two adults and two children.)

First dinner and I said, let’s split 50/50. They looked aghast. I was told that was utterly daft of me and that it would be 60/40!

bastardkitty · 01/08/2018 17:57

It's really rude to assume that your family with one adult would go halves with a family with two adults and it's especially rude to make you point this out more than once.

Aridane · 01/08/2018 17:58

As you had agreed 40/60, YANBU

Delatron · 01/08/2018 18:00

Well since you have had to mention it multiple times to them then it sounds like they are being a bit out of order. For bar bills and restaurants it is only fair that you pay less.

I wouldn’t quibble over a supermarket shop though as it is hard to work out who eats and drinks what from the shop. But if I were your friends I would have offered to pay more.

I think all you can do is keep pointing out there are three of you and don’t go on holiday with them again.

Delatron · 01/08/2018 18:01

And I would keep saying ‘remember we discussed this’. As that is the annoying part, you’ve already had the conversation about money and it has all been agreed. It’s embarrassing for you to have to keep bringing it up.

DesignStatement · 01/08/2018 18:05

OP ~ don't be embarrassed. If they are going to persist in acting like pillocks, order separately and get separate bills. They are the embarrassing ones, not you.

DesignStatement · 01/08/2018 18:06

Caribbean states how it should have worked in any civilised and sensitive grouping.

Karen49 · 01/08/2018 18:06

TBH i'd just pay up this time but next time make sure there's a greater understanding all round

Wittow · 01/08/2018 18:11

They're cheeky fuckers if they expect you to pay 50/50. Single parents get a rough enough deal as it is.

Assert yourself Minky!!

Lunde · 01/08/2018 18:11

When you eat out - I would just ask the waiter for separate family bills.

They are CFs to expect you to pay 50% when they have 2 adults and older kids.

olbndansmummy · 01/08/2018 18:11

We had issues with a couple who came away with us. We were there 4 nights, them 2. We had 2 ds they had none. We paid all the accommodation. Went shopping with them and split bill 50/50, but as I was cooking for our dc I did all the cooking for every meal, full English, quick sandwich and bits at lunch and full dinners at night! After they'd gone we ate out and had takeaway cos I was knackered! (Have to point out dh helped!)

AliceRR · 01/08/2018 18:20

I think they are being really cheeky and the fact they still want half when you have raised this is quite unbelievable. I would say that if we can’t agree a fair split we will each just pay for what we have had. Yes it’s awkward and might cause tension but if things continue then you will feel shafted.

Two adults versus one - they should be the ones offering to pay more without you having to say it!