Holiday etiquette

[MINKY75]

AIBU? Come away with friends, them two adults two kids, just me and my two kids. We're SC so I'd assumed we'd come up with a fair way to share food bill. First shop they seemed surprised when I suggested paying a little less. Next shop I was again asked to pay half and again pointed out that I wasn't eating and drinking as much as their family. Would you keep quiet and pay half for the sake of a quiet life/harmony?

PurpleArmy is dead right. Assuming money is an issue, Roar, otherwise why did OP post? Why would anyone post to boast money isn’t an issue for them? Generally speaking SPs are less well off than families (I’m an SP) and OP’s post is yet another testimony to how being poorer is more expensive.

I have been a single parent for many years, money is tight. Apart from my sister, nobody acknowledges my financial situation, it’s getting to the stage now where I will only pay for what I have, no ‘splitting’.

I’ve 50/50 for years to my detriment, because I’ve always been embarrassed by money, however, I’m the first to acknowledge unfairness with others, so THEY are not out of pocket

This is a difficult situation that can affect a friendship/relationship.

If i was you I wouldnt quibble over such a small amount, but if I was them I wouldnt have expected you to pay half. Or I would shout you a meal or something towards the end of the holiday.

We went away with a single parent family. We divided villa cost by number in each family as the SP family took up less bedrooms. For shopping and restaurants we had a kitty. Each adult put in X amount and then we put in X amount per child. Don’t understand why they think the bills should be split in half.

I would keep saying ‘remember we’ve discussed this.... there’s only 1 of me!’ If they continue to be CF in restaurants tell them upfront you’re going to pay for what you’ve eaten & drank. That way is completely fair.

Keep reminding them or do separate food bills. They are rude. They are trying to take advantage.

When we go away with friends we each do shops or pay for activities, keep the receipt, create a list of these, total it up, and then split it at the end of the holiday. Sometimes child counts as a half sometimes not (depends on ages). It normally works out one family is owed a small amount. Easier than splitting each bill each time.

Separate bills from now on.
Tell them you've spent more than you expected and from now on you will pay for you and your DC and they can do their bit separately.
It can't be that difficult.
Waiter/waitress comes over.... what would you like? Can we do two separate orders and pay separately at the end? Of course you can!
Job done!

I have been away with friends with and without DC. We have always split the costs of the accommodation and the food. We would always offer to pay more if it was a couple we were with as I wouldn’t expect them to pay for my DC. However they were offended and happy to pay half. We would therefore buy some nice wine separately to balance it out. Your with a fellow family split the costs and enjoy your holiday.

I hate all this quibbling over bills and money like this - drives me round the bend. I guess it depends on the level of friendship you have with them. If good friends and you know it’ll even out, then I’d just get on with it; if this is a regular occurrence with them taking the p*ss then I’d perhaps be more inclined to pay for what I/ my family had BUT the difficulty now is that you didn’t agree on that before going.

Had a holiday with friends and their DC a while ago - never again. It was painful with the “who bought an ice cream yesterday; oh I’ve not got any cash with me to pay for the take away (why, given you knew we were getting a take out that day?!); how many bottles of beer have you had/ glasses of wine etc etc. Re alcohol, we’d agreed to buy our own and then people were still trying to dig into ours as, surprise surprise they’d not bought enough for themselves.

Never again and lessons learned! For the sake of having a nice holiday though, I’d just carry on and enjoy it but don’t do it again with them - or at least set boundaries before you’re away!!

Sorry - long rant of the morning over with

I would have a problem if the other party bought loads of booze. I don’t drink so I certainly wouldn’t be paying half.

Otherwise I think I’d let it go.

Dish out an extra adult sized share of food for yourself and pop it in the fridge. Next day find a homeless person and use your imaginary partners share of the food to do good or maybe just find a hungry dog.

I think all the people saying just split it are maybe missing the point that the OP is a single parent.

Why should she be out of pocket around £100 when money could be tight. And even if it isn’t it’s beyind stingy of the other family to expect her to subsidise them.

With friends we always work out roughly what we had individually as it varies lots without need for drama or calculators and there has never been an issue.

I personally think they are unreasonable for expecting you to pay half all the time considering they are 2 adults and you are one. It’s not fair on you. I guess you could just let go this time and not make a fuss about it, but don’t get into a situation like that next time. If it was me and my husband with a friend in her own, we’d make sure we pay a little more each time.

No point ruining your holiday over it, let go, relax and do it differently next time.

They should be ashamed of themselves.

If they don't budge, tell them with a smile that they'd better brace themselves for next year as you shan't be topping up their holidays any longer

We do a kitty system whenever we go away with friends/ family. Over the years the 'rules' (informal) that have developed are over 16's count as an adult, 5-16's count half and under 5's go free. So at the start of the holiday every adult puts £100 in and £50 for every 5-16yr old. We buy all food, tickets, activities, snacks etc out of the kitty and we have another 'round' of chipping in when the kitty gets low. It seems fair and everyone seems happy. The only exception we make is when we go with a particular branch of the family who are all teetotal in which case people buy their own personal alcohol out of personal money not the kitty.

So in OP's case the kitty would have started off as £300 from the other family and £200 from hers and carried on on similar grounds - presuming all the kids were 5-16.

If you're eating out, I think paying per head is the right thing to do. If you're buying the ingredients for the evenings dinner to cook at home, does it really matter if you pay £2 more?

Generally speaking it's much easier to find a system which doesn't involve le doing a division of some type for every individual spend ....instead, someone pays for one expenditure and someone else for another and you keep track of your spending and work it out T the end of the week, based on a fair system, which T that point could easily recognise you and less adults. This sounds much better than trying to pay a share for each piddling ice cream spend or trip to the supermarket, especially if there are several.

And if you really are only prepared to pay to the penny for what your own family have had in all areas, group holidaying really isn't for you....you have to be a little bit flexible about all kinds of things on a group holiday - bed times, activities, etc etc or it just doesn't work. So, if overall there was no recognition of you being a smaller family, I think you could feel aggrieved, but over every I'd civduL little expenditure, I don't think it's needed to be honest.

As always, clear communication about how these things will work, upfront helps a lot. And again, avoiding frequent splitting and handing over of money, which isn't always easy is best.....one big reckoning at the end, or a kitty system at the start are best.

clear communication about how these things will work, upfront helps a lot.

Well yes, but OP believed she had agreed a 40:60 split up front which the other family were ignoring

How I wish the OP had included this information , it is such an essential factor in AIBU

Isn't it funny that the main people who quibble over fairness are almost always those who are benefiting from things being unequal.

The one that always gets me, is splitting the bill 50/50 with heavy drinkers (I rarely drink) in a restaurant when we've ordered roughly equal food.

I'm with you OP, 3/7ths or 60/40 seems fair to me. If they insist on 50/50 then they are just CFs.

Whenever i’ve taken a break with other families/couples we have a kitty. We pay into the kitty and everything done together gets paid out of that. So much per adult and so much per child. No arguments then and no messing about splitting bills. I’ve even done it when holidaying just me and a friend. It was so much easier!

Doesn't seem fair to ask you to pay half on the assumption that the adults are eating/drinking double what you are.

@MINKY75 They and you agreed a 40/60 split. Therefore when any bill comes in calculate your 40%. Get out your 40%. Pay your 40%. If they say anything just say ‘What? Yeah that’s our 40%. Obviously you did Maths at Primary School and know that 3/7 is NOT 50%. It’s in fact 42.85% and therefore much closer to 40%.

We go on an extended-family holiday every year. We are 2A and 2K - another in the group is on their own. We settle up at the end of the week by keeping receipts on what has been spent on food/ alcohol shopping. When the kids were younger (toddlers) we didn’t count them. We started to increase the share as they got older. Now my son eats as much as an adult and so I expect to pay at least a 3.5 person share this year.
If your friends are being difficult and won’t budge I would suggest this is the last holiday with them. Be strong that it is a 33/67 split on adults and you feel it’s unfair to do 50/50 but I wouldn’t end a long standing friendship over it - chalk it down to experience.
I also find that those who are the tightest with money tend to have more. Those with less see the value of it and so are more willing to share. Hope you can enjoy the rest of your hols.

I love it when my friend who is an accountant comes on our friends holidays. Spreadsheet with column for each person so it all goes in there nice and factual,

Bizarre are those posters who say they'd be happy with the OP overpaying at every meal and supermarket shoo and then at the end "treat" them to a dinner to make up the difference- except of course it's not treating if you're just redressing the balance.

Come back OP and tell us what's been happening

Bless you all for your comments. Friends did suggest a 60/40 split after the reminder. They are really good friends, I think they just didn't really think things through. I'm glad I mentioned it despite it being a little awkward for a while!!