Charity Donations - I may have BU

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

Just done a bit of a clear out - the first of a number needing done in this house over the next few weeks.
Today it was coats and toys from the garage. I always separate into "sellable" and "rags" and send anything unsellable to fabric recycling.

So - 6 black bags into the car.

Went to my charity shop of choice (shop A) - my friend volunteers there - bum, I forgot its closed on a Monday - however I'm out now, need to not carry these things in the car for weeks - I'm in a fairly big town/city - we have a goodly choice of charity shop, even if most in the city centre aren't easy to park at.

Anyway - I find another - Shop B. Pull up outside, road is wide enough to not obstruct the traffic but I'm not "parked" - Grab a couple of bags, take them in, head back to the car for a couple more - I can then hear the front of shop assistant say to someone "Are we taking donations - she's just dumping things"....I take in 2 more bags to be met with the manager from the back office "We aren't actually taking things I mean, I can take this lot but no more - we don't have many volunteers you know, and the charity shop down the road has closed so everyone dumps everything on us".....

I was a bit perturbed - I did say something along the lines of "Sorry, I was just doing my best trying to help...." and left - in a bit of a daze as to the conversation I had just had.

Round the corner to shop C (more main road so I really hate stopping outside but again - its a wide road so I'm not actually obstructing anyone. Popped in, asked "Are you accepting donations?" - the assistant replied Yes - thank you so much, we LOVE donations and we are happy to accept them"....

So I gave her my last 2 bags and explained another shop had really not been very gracious about accepting things.

Now - this may be where I get unreasonable - I was still so upset at Shop B that I went back, stopped the car, and went back in. I said (politely, honest) "Hi, I dropped some bags off about 10 minutes ago but I got the feeling that you weren't happy to accept the donations - I have found another shop that is happy, so if I can have my 4 bags back, I'll take them round there".

Front of shop went to get the manager. She came out of the office "We are happy to take your donations - but there are only 2 of us."

I replied "To be honest, I felt that you accepted my donations really ungratefully - these are items that my children wore and used - I really would rather they went somewhere that my donations weren't seen as a burden"

Manager "Well we are happy to take them".

Me "Well, I haven't been led to believe you are happy to take them, and I feel really upset by the way my donations have been grudgingly accepted. So Can I take them back - I'll relieve you of them and I'll take them to somewhere that has said they would be thrilled."

Manager "We are always happy to take them"

Me - "well, that's not how I've been made to feel - maybe make yourself a cup of tea as I can see you are not happy today but please have a think about how you have made me feel".

Manager - "I don't have 5 minutes for a cup of tea"....

I left, with my bags, took them to shop C who were absolutely thrilled.

I am incredibly non confrontational. I am very shy and quiet but also very generous and have a background in charity volunteering and in customer service.

(I also hit my head really badly just before I went out with something I was taking to the tip and I'm wondering if I've done my head some damage).

For background - 1 of the charity shops is a national chain, 1 is a local charity with 2 shops in our town/city.

The contents of the bags were jackets - good named brands like Regatta, Helly Hansen and Next - as well as some baby born toys and a couple of bags.

Am I the mad evil woman of charity shop donations...???

I think your reaction was completely understandable.
It's normal and healthy to vent your frustration from time to time as it is for other people - I get very anxious after losing my temper but really I see it as that's just day to day life - really don't worry about any of it. :-)

You would expect the charity shop to have been delighted with your donations and to have jumped to assist you with bringing the bags in, so you felt surprised and disappointed by their reaction.

I had a big clear out recently and bag after bag came out of the boot and the charity shop workers were admiring things and kept saying "are you sure you don't mind giving us all this stuff!" gratefully and excitedly like it was Christmas! I felt so good and positive which is what you should have been feeling.

Another time and place I was stroppy with staff for chatting for 10 solid mins amongst themselves whilst seeming completely blasé that I was waiting by the counter with a bag of donations. I was thinking what am I a bloody mannequin?! lol When venting to someone afterwards they told me one of them may have had learning difficulties which I hadn't thought of. Awk-ward!!!

Now it's over you shouldn't worry about them at all and they shouldn't worry about you (no offence) - it's just one of those days where various events happen to have come together and clashed. Had you always known the background of the shop staff (short staffed, ongoing work politics, feeling over whelmed as another shop had shut) and had they known the background of your day (busy sorting through things excited about their reaction, hard to park, someone who puts herself out to help others, first shop shut) either of you could have predicted that event.

In future they'll be more careful to seem appreciative and you'll know to ask the counter if they're accepting donations (which I thought they always did to be honest) so it's just a learning curve.

I think you should just see it as a bad day and think of all the people who will enjoy buying the stuff you've donated for weeks to come!

They said 3 times they wanted her stuff according to the OP, yet still she insisted on demanding her donation back and told them to think about her feelings and to go make themselves a cup of tea. That was why the OP was wrong. If they'd said "sure, help yourself" and given her the bags back straight away, then the OP would have "rectified the situation". As it is now the OP has decided she will actually rectify the situation by apologizing and that actually is generous behaviour but is something that was only necessitate by her refusal to accept their repeated statement that they were happy to have her donation.

I have donated to a charity shop where I heard staff complaining saying they essentially "didn't need more crap" and were generally just bad mouthing donations.
Me and DH complained to each other on the car journey home and never donated to that particular shop again.
It really didn't need to be taken any further than that.

I disagree. They just didn’t like being called out on their condescending ways. They did want the bags - then they shouldn’t have behaved as they initially did.

It's normal and healthy to vent your frustration from time to time as it is for other people - I get very anxious after losing my temper but really I see it as that's just day to day life - really don't worry about any of it. :-)

Its not at all normal to vent your frustration at strangers in public. I expect you get anxious about it because you know its unacceptable and you shouldn't do it, and if you aren't worried about it, you should be.

It's never ok to vent at people.

I’ve volunteered in a charity shop and my goodness some of the stuff that used to get donated. Soiled clothes, torn and ripped and filthy items. I was always grateful, said thank you when anyone bought bags in.

Saying that I did donate to a shop nearby once and just got a ‘put it over there’ when I took stuff in. I never donated there again.

Just take it to the recycling dump - the workers there are actually paid to deal with it.

I totally understand why you were annoyed OP and I would have said the same myself (that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do...lol). If you are donating good quality items, the staff should be grateful whether they are volunteers or otherwise. I have donated excellent children’s clothing (some brand new) and a thanks for the efforts is nice. I lost it with my local Oxfam once as staff stood watching and doing nothing to help as I struggled into the shop with my donations!

AWOL
Exactly that

the staff should be grateful whether they are volunteers or otherwise

Why? What would you do with that stuff otherwise? Was it stuff you actually really needed and were making a big sacrifice in giving away?

Grateful that their shop was picked instead of another?
Grateful that the op took the time to sort stuff for charity instead of binning it?

Surely it’s a positive thing? What’s wrong with being a tiny bit appreciative, or not assuming that everyone is dumping unwashed crap?

There are 2 charity shops in my town and I used to split bags between them, about 4 a month each. Was a regular donator purely so stuff wasn’t overwhelming

Took 4 bags into the cancer research shop and was told “just add them to the line’ with an eye roll. This was January so yes, they will have been overwhelmed. That doesn’t make rudeness or ungratefulness acceptable.

Nope. I took them all to the other shop - st Luke’s - and cancer research haven’t had a bag since. I wonder if that eye roll was worth it.

What’s wrong with being a tiny bit appreciative, or not assuming that everyone is dumping unwashed crap?

I imagine they are more appreciative when people come and politely ask if they would like what they have, rather than pulling up outside and throwing the stuff at them?

Can I just say, as a manager of one of the aforementioned charity shops, OP that would be lovely of you to apologise.

We really do take some shit. In our shop we've had things thrown at us, been shouted/sworn at, threatened and had one customer who tried to film my SA when he was asked to leave for being aggressive.

The favourite sayings among customers are "how much? Sure you get the stuff for nothing" "what's your best price" and "I donate in here all the time". The last one is trotted out when asking for something cheaper and is usually followed by "I'll never be back in here again" as they storm out.

We don't take lunch breaks, often have to work alone and frequently rely on volunteers to help us out - God bless them. And some of the donations we have to sort through would make you sick.

So if you think we seem rude or ungrateful or don't smile (I got that one the other day) please try and remember it's a bloody hard job. But we're usually lovely if you are

Rant over

manaftermidnight though I take on board your comment, in my opinion as long as it's within certain boundaries I really do think it's normal and acceptable to be a bit moody from time to time. It's unacceptable to be violent or abusive so you should seek help if you have those types of traits to try to understand and remedy it, but that aside, what you seem to be striving for is a world like the 1975 version of the Stepford Wives where everyone keeps their emotions too trapped in all the time - an impossible task for everyone to do.

I get anxious as I always want to be perfect at all times and care deeply about other people's feelings. Also it is that nervous energy I have that makes me empathetic and alert to others that makes me feel on edge at times.

However I know everyone has different positive and negative traits that make them whole. For example someone I know loses his temper more than others but he is a perfectionist so he finds it frustrating if things aren't up to a very high standard. I accept him being stroppy now and again as I view it that if he wasn't so passionate about things being perfect he wouldn't create such outstanding work and he wouldn't be always striving to be such a good friend.

Absolutely nobody on the planet 'has it all' so as long as you try day to day to be kind to others you shouldn't feel guilty about getting in a bit of a huff now and again. Especially if you're the type of person who gives to charity and ruminates as to whether you've hurt someone's feelings all day.

Can I just say though OP, on a rudness scale, compared to what we usually have to put up with you were at the lower end, so don't be too worried!

Tip: take them in a pack of biscuits, they'll love that

I feel your pain

I had loads of school uniform to donate , shirts, trousers etc all barely worn as DS grew so much it was replaced every few months. ( was m&s - not a stealth boast but only place that had stuff to fit in stock all year).

Went to 3 charity shops and they all said not worthwhile them selling it, they would just rag it.

So I put it all on eBay as a bundle for 99p.

A bit moody is not at all the same thing as venting your frustrations at members of the public.

One charity shop in our town often has signs up saying they can't take any more donations. You can see the back room full of boxes and bags yet people still dump and run. It is the only charity shop with parking outside!

I sometimes think a more organized collection system and drop off points are needed as most people don't care which charity gets the stuff.

Why should any charity shop be grateful for your donations? Are these items actually things you really need and are making a big sacrifice with? NO. Therefore your choice is: take them to the recycling dump or take them to a charity shop. The choice is yours. Stop thinking about yourself and expecting gratitude and just do what is best fir you,. They will get used/binned either way and someone paid/unpaid is going mohave to deal with it.

The OP, after her experience of "dumping" stuff at the 2nd shop was clearly more considerate at the 3rd shop and.... BIG SURPRISE.... was pandered to more.

before pedants get at my post even I can see the contradiction there...

Stop thinking about the grateful response you are seeking and do the most practical thing for you - the items will get recycled/binned either way.

Manaftermidnight

Who threw stuff?

I go in to my shop with 2 bags
They are often busy
I go back out, get more -repeat
Put all by the till
I wait until someone is free, say it’s rags/books/baby clothes/whatever
Apologise for not being a gift aider. They say thanks, I say thanks, I leave.

No throwing. No bowing and scraping on either side. Just a calm exchange which benefits the charity and the environment.

Why dramatise —lie— the situation by saying that bags are thrown?

Don't be so bloody literal! Op was improperly parked and rushing, and annoyed the staff who said she was "dumping stuff". I'm sure you can get the gist?

Ok - most practical thing for me is to bin stuff, no sorting, cleaning, folding etc.

Is that best for the environment? Or the charity which would benefit from the 100 odd bags of good quality kids and adult clothes, books, handbags and bric a brac I donate each year?

Just because I don’t want to be treated like dirt for donating or made to feel like I’m being done a massive favour?

Every single charity shop should be grateful for donations. Without them they wouldn’t exist.

And the staff were twats.

If they felt she was dumping stuff, how did she do wrong in removing it from them?

YABU right from the off by not parking reasonably at either shop.