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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Charity Donations - I may have BU

292 replies

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 30/07/2018 14:13

Just done a bit of a clear out - the first of a number needing done in this house over the next few weeks.
Today it was coats and toys from the garage. I always separate into "sellable" and "rags" and send anything unsellable to fabric recycling.

So - 6 black bags into the car.

Went to my charity shop of choice (shop A) - my friend volunteers there - bum, I forgot its closed on a Monday - however I'm out now, need to not carry these things in the car for weeks - I'm in a fairly big town/city - we have a goodly choice of charity shop, even if most in the city centre aren't easy to park at.

Anyway - I find another - Shop B. Pull up outside, road is wide enough to not obstruct the traffic but I'm not "parked" - Grab a couple of bags, take them in, head back to the car for a couple more - I can then hear the front of shop assistant say to someone "Are we taking donations - she's just dumping things"....I take in 2 more bags to be met with the manager from the back office "We aren't actually taking things I mean, I can take this lot but no more - we don't have many volunteers you know, and the charity shop down the road has closed so everyone dumps everything on us".....

I was a bit perturbed - I did say something along the lines of "Sorry, I was just doing my best trying to help...." and left - in a bit of a daze as to the conversation I had just had.

Round the corner to shop C (more main road so I really hate stopping outside but again - its a wide road so I'm not actually obstructing anyone. Popped in, asked "Are you accepting donations?" - the assistant replied Yes - thank you so much, we LOVE donations and we are happy to accept them"....

So I gave her my last 2 bags and explained another shop had really not been very gracious about accepting things.

Now - this may be where I get unreasonable - I was still so upset at Shop B that I went back, stopped the car, and went back in. I said (politely, honest) "Hi, I dropped some bags off about 10 minutes ago but I got the feeling that you weren't happy to accept the donations - I have found another shop that is happy, so if I can have my 4 bags back, I'll take them round there".

Front of shop went to get the manager. She came out of the office "We are happy to take your donations - but there are only 2 of us."

I replied "To be honest, I felt that you accepted my donations really ungratefully - these are items that my children wore and used - I really would rather they went somewhere that my donations weren't seen as a burden"

Manager "Well we are happy to take them".

Me "Well, I haven't been led to believe you are happy to take them, and I feel really upset by the way my donations have been grudgingly accepted. So Can I take them back - I'll relieve you of them and I'll take them to somewhere that has said they would be thrilled."

Manager "We are always happy to take them"

Me - "well, that's not how I've been made to feel - maybe make yourself a cup of tea as I can see you are not happy today but please have a think about how you have made me feel".

Manager - "I don't have 5 minutes for a cup of tea"....

I left, with my bags, took them to shop C who were absolutely thrilled.

I am incredibly non confrontational. I am very shy and quiet but also very generous and have a background in charity volunteering and in customer service.

(I also hit my head really badly just before I went out with something I was taking to the tip and I'm wondering if I've done my head some damage).

For background - 1 of the charity shops is a national chain, 1 is a local charity with 2 shops in our town/city.

The contents of the bags were jackets - good named brands like Regatta, Helly Hansen and Next - as well as some baby born toys and a couple of bags.

Am I the mad evil woman of charity shop donations...???

OP posts:
Jamiefraserskilt · 02/08/2018 00:34

Did that once. Shop one was a local hospice charity. Woman tutted, sighed and rolled her eyes. Never took anything else in. Shop two, national charity, open arms. I only use shop two now.
Not expecting a round of applause for donations but good manners go a long way. Nothing wrong with a genuine, "thanks"

daisyinatree · 02/08/2018 00:50

I am torn. On the one hand, YANBU to be pissed off and miffed at how the one shop didn't seem arsed with your donations, and most people here would feel the same I expect.

But YWBU with the way you dealt with it. I would have chuntered under my breath, and never given them anything again. But I would not have made a song and a dance about it like you did. It doesn't sound like you came out of this smelling of roses sorry OP.

As a few posters have said, you were patronising and condescending. I would leave it a LONG time before you set foot in that shop again. Shop workers don't forget people who are a PITA in a great hurry.

RoseWhiteTips · 02/08/2018 00:52

I think everybody is aware of what comprises decent polite behaviour.

Those people who tut and roll their eyes as they staff charity shops have a bloody nerve. 😡

sadiekate · 02/08/2018 01:32

Have those of you calling the donations "crap" considered that often people donate clothes and possessions that belonged to a relative, after that person has died and their house needs to be cleared, and that to call them crap is pretty hurtful and unkind?

Cornishclio · 02/08/2018 01:37

I think if they were that put out about your donation I would have tried somewhere else in the beginning but I would not have gone back. Once I have got rid of stuff I don't want I could not care less where it goes to. I prefer not to dump it from an environmental point of view but if charity shops stop accepting things like books or dvds then they will have to be tipped.

I would not have made a fuss. You were not really making a generous donation after all. You just wanted rid of it so it was in your interests too that one of them took it. Who cares which shop took it.

liverbird10 · 02/08/2018 04:12

YABU, and whining for no good reason.

liverbird10 · 02/08/2018 04:53

Just RTFT and seen your note, OP... that was a very nice gesture. :)

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/08/2018 05:07

"You were not really making a generous donation after all. You just wanted rid of it so it was in your interests too that one of them took it."

^^ This. Whatever someone's reading on other posters' use of the word "crap" is, the point that is being made is that it isn't stuff you want any more. They shouldn't be horrible if they can't take your stuff, but they weren't so that's kind of moot. As a charity shop they aren't a service to you and their role in taking your crap no-longer-wanted-stuff is limited to it benefiting their charitable mission, which is almost certainly not simply about making it easy for you to get rid of your crap no-longer-wanted-stuff.

AhoyDelBoy · 02/08/2018 05:38

I am incredibly non confrontational. I am very shy and quiet but also very generous and have a background in charity volunteering and in customer service.

You sound like a complete nightmare. Nice one for apologising though. I guess in hindsight you should have asked the first shop if they were accepting donations as you did the second.

SabineUndine · 02/08/2018 05:42

I understand where you’re coming from. I was once turned away from a charity shop run by a national chain because they were ‘not accepting donations’. The shop looked half empty. It was the manner and behaviour of the person that got to me. No smile, no apology. Fortunately there’s another charity shop right opposite so I took my stuff there. I did complain to the hq of the shop that turned me away though. They’d been gift aiding my donations and sending me an annual account of what the donations had made them and the most recent account had been well over £100.

Cherrysherbet · 02/08/2018 06:16

Oh dear op. You really did get your knickers in a twist. Have a cuppa and a 🍪

slithytove · 02/08/2018 06:57

If it were crap I’d bin it, as there would be no value. There is a value, so instead I pass it on in order to ‘benefit a charitable mission’. I would assume that since charity shops can’t exist without donations, it’s in their interest to a - make donating easy where possible and b - be polite about it.

Otherwise people would just bin / tip stuff. I’m really not understanding why some posters can’t see that this should be a 2 way street and it’s not just about donators getting rid of unwanted stuff.

BlueberryPud · 04/08/2018 04:25

Some have special needs and there is at least one who I can think of who has Asperger's and says exactly what she thinks. She can often be perceived as rude or abrupt

That's such an important point. I work in a Large National charity shop, and we have to be inclusive regarding our volunteers. Some of them we almost have to have one to one supervision - so you have a volunteer looking after a less able volunteer. The manager has to manage and run the shop. So some volunteers look after the less able volunteers, and you get a whole backroom of volunteers, half of whom are not really helping all that much. Mostly they are being looked after by other, perfectly able volunteers. This needs to be addressed.
Local councils need to take some responsibility for the care and support that is often given to the SN 'volunteers' for the one to one support that is expected, and given in our shops.

And sometimes the volunteers with SN (aspergers particularly) can be inadvertently rude to a customer, and the more socially adept volunteers have to have an eye out and intervene and make the customer feel a bit better, and understand (without actually saying it out loud, because that would be socially unacceptable) that the offending person did not mean to be rude. They were just 'saying it as it is' Which is the modern day excuse for being rude.
It's not surprising that nowadays, you can't tell a rude person from a person who has social difficulty as a result of SN.

What doesn't help is somebody bringing stuff in and getting shirty when we try to explain very reasonably why we cannot take it.
We have a shortage of volunteers. We simply cannot find the room for one more black bin bag. The bag has to be opened and sorted.
It might be rolled up sheets full of shite that somebody has cleared out of the house of a recently deceased bedbound elderly relative. Or it might be a bagful of lightly worn designer gear that will make us a small fortune. Until we open it, we don't know. But what we do know is that we cannot take any more in because we are overwhelmed and understaffed. And to actually come back to the shop and demand back your donation. Well, I suppose that might be fair enough, but if it was in a black bin bag it's going to take forever to find it.
And if anyone feels so slighted by the reception of their donation, not enough gratitude shown, whatever, that they will never ever give to that charity again. Not a problem for our charity shop We are inundated daily by donations. We often take sackfuls of stuff to one of our shops 5 miles away, who get little in the way of donations because parking is such a problem around their shop so people choose us instead of them.

Today, I've unwrapped a barely used Radley handbag and two real silver bracelets. But also a bag of unwashed sheets that have been pulled off a bed and can only go into the bin. And the charity has to
pay for the refuse disposal.

To go back and give them a piece of your mind?
From my point of view? I'd have been nice to you and thought you might just be a bit fragile. I've volunteered in this shop for several years, and had quite a few 'confrontations' about this, that, or the other. Hagglers, drunks, very odd people with very odd ideas.

If you want to give stuff, give it. If you don't then don't.
It's not the volunteers who are benefitting from your donation. I's the charity. The volunteers are doing it for nothing. They shouldn't be expected to kiss your bum.

ragged · 04/08/2018 04:28

I think it's a hilarious story, OP. I'm not labelling right or wrong, but I can see why things happened as they did.

Pemba · 04/08/2018 04:37

I don't think the OP was really expecting the shop staff/volunteers to 'kiss her bum' Blueberry as you so charmingly put it. Just to display some basic manners really, and not to make her feel a nuisance for attempting to donate. Surely if a shop becomes known for giving this kind of reception to those donating, donations will gradually dwindle?

Don't think I would have bothered to go back and tell them off though.

BlueberryPud · 04/08/2018 05:05

Surely if a shop becomes known for giving this kind of reception to those donating, donations will gradually dwindle?

Maybe if they're 'always' out and out arseholes. I doubt it's a regular thing though. A charity shop will have dozens upon dozens of volunteers to call upon. It's how they work. Given that most do only one or two mornings or afternoons a week. I've worked in mine for 5 years, on a Wed, Thurs and Sat afternoon. There are dozens of other volunteers who've worked there longer than me, but I've never actually met them. It's not like it's the same person manning the ship six days a week. It's loads of different peeps from all walks of life, some on jsa and some retired and filling in time doing something useful. Some even doing community service.
Some might be right proper rude arseholes. I wouldn't know. I'm always very polite.

A 'person' can become known for being a bit of a miserable old git, but I don't think the entire shop can be judged on the behaviour of someone who gives freely of their time on a particular Thursday afternoon (or morning, or another day entirely) for an hour or three but yet is spectacularly rude.

I do acknowledge that some of them are miserable old gits.
But I'm not, I'm really nice and polite .And I'm there at least as often and probably more often that they are. Anybody bringing in donations will be treated with gratitude, by me.

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