DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

Well said @Storminateapot. Lots of people, including a poster on this and many other threads, have no concept of what a lot of wives and mothers actually do. The mental load of being at home is massive. Add working part time to that and it feels like you are on duty 24/7. I used to love going to work because I considered it a rest. I was a nurse with back to back appointments for 9 hours a day plus a 3 hour round commute. Those 12 hours away from everything that came with having two young children, a home to manage and a husband who was as demanding as the children, were bliss. But as soon as I got through the door I was straight back onto mummy and wife duty. All night too as was still breastfeeding during the night. Yet my husband resented it if I was ill and needed a lie in (until 9am) to sleep off the strong painkillers, or wanted to go to the shops on my own, or god forbid wanted to fulfil my obligation to my PAID study days. No, I just sat on my arse and did fuck all in his opinion because he worked full time outside the home. That's the only kind of work that counts apparently. So thank you for your post pointing out the value of what lots of wives and mothers do

Oh my god OP! I started reading this morning and had to go to work but I’ve just caught up and I’m fucking appalled at some of these responses!

My initial feeling was that he had a gambling addiction, which I usually have a degree of sympathy for as with all addictions but I can’t get over how he has behaved towards you since you confronted him, which makes me think he’s just full of contempt and is an utter wankstain.

It now sounds like he’s rehearsed The Script in his fucking sleep! My Mum’s ex husband was like this. Textbook MLC, sociopathic behaviour, resentful of the fact he had a family too young and ‘lost out’ on his 20s and 30s so wanted to create this new fantasy life. He never stole money but his treatment of my Mum resounds in your posts.

You sound fucking awesome though mate, don’t let him wheedle his way out of this or drop it until you’ve got to the bottom of it. When everything’s out in the open, only you can decide how you proceed, but I suspect you’ll be just fine on your own.

I’m so sorry to read about this OP. I can only imagine that after 17 years together, that this is just so hurtful. Trust is so hard to get back.

His excuses are so bizarre. Particularly about paying back because he’s supported the family o ervthe years. Doesn’t excuse gaslighting nor taking without asking. It’s engitely another story if he wanted to purchase something g and ASKED you for some extra money.

Understanding where this money went is quite crucial and why he thought it ok to take without asking, then lying to you- that you asked him to (gaslighting).

Please keep us updated and for any moral support you may need.

This is awful, and the ppl who say it's not stealing, shared money etc, are so very wrong! It is, at no point, ok to take money from an account, that doesn't belong to you, not telling the owner, so they are unaware of the deficit of funds in their account, lying to owner about card, etc, etc. It doesn't matter whether you are married to this person or not, it is theft, deceitful and could end up with bills not being paid or not enough money for food etc.

I spoke to my dh, first thing he said was gambling, he then said could be an ow, but it's a lot to pay out. He would go down the route of gambling as its so easy to get into. Also with the crying, it seems that he's in trouble. Good luck op.

This is a kind of betrayal whatever is causing it. I am so sorry for your troubles. He must have known he would be found out though so perhaps in a way it is a cry for help. I expect it is horrible for both of you but you are the one being the grown up, which is a hard place to be. Stay strong.

So many people harping on about the money still. As I read through the post I thought they'd shut up but no.

The OP has said he earns more, has said she is happy for him to take her card if needed, the entire point is not the money, it's the deception. He took her card, he lied, he pretended he had found it and now is crying and fussing but still is not being open THAT is the issue. I have my DH card which I'm free to use, I wouldn't pretend I found it on the floor or sneak it out of his wallet.

£200 worth of drugs before a supermarket shop would be obvious.
An hour with a worker would be noticeable.
£200 in the roulette machine or on lottery scratchcards in the shop/bookies closest to his ATM is my feeling. He's trying to win back.

Thank you all, thank you very much for support!

OP I really feel for you that your husband has let you down so badly. He really needs to come clean and tell you the truth about what’s been going on. Only then can you decide if it’s forgivable or not, and whether it can be worked through or not. 17 years of marriage is a long time. My worry is gambling addiction or drugs (but surely you would know?) or perhaps blackmail/extortion if he’s been up to something he shouldn’t have. I hope you find the answers soon.

Ive been through this myself op. It is shit and despite what some posters think, it is abusive, as you start thinking youre losing your memory, you think if you cant remember these things you must not be coping with life, you wonder if something i wrong with you to mke you suddenly start forgetting such key things, you stop
trusting yourself. Life is much more harder with a Lying financially abusive gaslighted than single

BTW my H was also stealing out of our young children’s purses. Birthday and Christmas money. thankfully he has no access to their bank accounts. He used to always take the pound out of the car for the shopping trolly too but always denied that too!

OP you're very brave to be facing up to this. You're not stupid and your DH has been a prat. Find out exactly what he's about and then decide whether or not to ditch him.

FuckingDH I've read this post continuously all day. You are fantastic and brave. I have no idea what your DH is doing but I'd be like you, calm but figuring out what's going on. I hope you get answers.

Just want to send you a hug, you must be crushed.

Stay strong xx

It sounds like you have been extremely angry (as you should be!) and quite rightly not accepting any of his bullshit. However you seem to be hitting a brick wall. He us acting defensively like a fucking teenager and you are getting nowhere in terms of finding out a) how much money he has actually stolen from you or b) what he has spent it on.

If what he said earlier is the truth then tge marriage is fucked. He really is a cunt.

Now i would be devestated and angry if it were gambling and or out of control debt but i would (i think) if he were willing to be 100% transparent to try and work through things - its shit but i can see how he might have been trying to cover this up.

Another woman or prostitutes would be a deal breaker.

If you took the approach of asking if he was in trouble and saying you would help him you might get more answers if this were the case. Continued defensive behaviour would suggest something you would be less able to forgive.

you are awesome

My husband is shit with money and constantly running up debts. Has taken my card for things before not only without permission but after me directly telling him not to. It's shit and like banging your head against a brick wall. Not that i ever get the tears or apologies, just defensiveness and accusations of me being controlling. So sorry op.

If all money is jointly owned in a marriage, then surely for your partner to be sneakily taking from YOUR half is stealing? Even children understand this. If they share a bar of chocolate for example, they know they should only eat their half. It's a basic example and marital finances are trickier of course, but the principle still stands that you need to be fair and honest with your partner. And OP's partner has been neither fair nor honest.

Doing
He sees her half as his because he earns more, and percieves himself to have worked harder.
He has justified doing this as taking what is his.
The crying makes things strange.

I'd do a credit check on yourself to make sure he hasnt taken anything out in your name. Sorry i only read your responses op not rtft.

You are impressive OP - so calm in the face of this huge thing.

-The money has been spent and there is nothing to show for it. He hasn't explained where all this has gone. (So it isn't something he is unashamed of.)
-He is lying about taking it (so is clearly too ashamed to ask or argue his right to the money - whatever he claims.)

Shameful expensive things that you have to keep paying for:
Drugs
Drink
Gambling
Prostitution
keeping another family/other woman
Blackmail

and a big hug OP.

All the (((((Madd Hugs))))) @FuckingDH All the EF'en ((((((((Madd Hugs))))))

It could be as simple as built-up resentment, now you owe me kind of thing.

What’s odd is it’s not clear what he did with the money within a day of taking it.

Thanks @niketrainers.

My post was aimed at those posters who seem to think that joint finances mean you are allowed to steal from your partner! Never heard such nonsense!

Unbelievable, I hope you get to the bottom of this.