DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

Tot why don't you change your PIN so he can't keep using your card.

or report the card as lost so you get a new one with a different number to prevent online purchases, or better still, hide the bloody card

Some of you seem not to understand the massive distinction between an agreed SAHP situation where both parties accept what goes along with this, ie shared finances, and a situation where both parties work, pay an agreed amount each into the finances and maintain separate accounts. They key is consent. It would also have been perfectly possible to have entirely communal finances, a joint account or full access to each other's, and that's perfectly reasonable too. The point is, they didn't. If one partner feels they need the other to put more money into the pot to pay for whatever, they discuss it with the other partner, not go and withdraw cash then lie about it.

Also, OP has only been spending 'his' money until recently if you're a stupid cunt.

Is "change your PIN" going to be the next "cancel the cheque"?

I'm sorry OP but he despises you. He's been stealing for the sake of it to hurt you because he's too much of a lemon to do it to your face.

He's either felt like this for a while or it's come about as an excuse to keep an OW.

I don’t understand why people think it is a way to keep another woman. It was obvious the OP would find out, so why do that when he is a high wage earner.

More likely that he’s been through his own money and will steal what he can before getting caught because he’s an addict, or he’s doing it for spite.

Should say had an EXP do this to me. All small amounts that he didn't need and super weak excuses when caught.
I came to the conclusion later that he just simply hated me a bit. It was his way of saying fuck you.

Which do you think is more likely given recent revelation OP, that this stress and resentment is leading him to spend the money on something like gambling, or that the money withdrawal is the thrill in itself and it mattered less to him what he was using it for? I must admit I'm inclined to the former. I'd rule out anything where you'd see the impact though such as alcohol and probably most drugs.

Aw man, the more I think about it the more I'm thinking prostitutes. The crying is shaaaaame.

- all the posters who think that the little wifey is not contributing enough to the pot!

When I became a SAHM (to 3 dc) I also became invisible; a 'friend' of Dhs thought I was a nothing. His own wifey, who worked part time and did all the household admin and took the family mental load, was a 'lesser' member of the family. If HE was away, the 14yo son was 'man of the house'. Little wifey went along with it, which I found

He was a jerk. But some men cannot understand it, having never really seen it first hand. For women to dismiss it is abhorrent.

The amount of £££ you bring into the family is not the point. The amount you do for your family (love, care, feeding, Washing, money, etc) is the point.

He needs to explain why he used your card.

If he needed a travel card why didn't he use his own money?

How does he usually pay for the travel card?

Why use your account and lie about it when he has an account of his own with money in it?

I'm afraid it screams prostitutes to me too. But in any case I would end it because he is unwilling to explain why he has been stealing from you, preferring to gaslight you instead.

OP you are doing amazing. It must be such a shock.

WernethWife I did do all those things. Also has lots and lots of rows and talks about it because that's no way to live. He hasn't done t for a while but trust is hard to rebuild.

My apologies then Tot

The obvious dishonesty leading to lack of trust plus not caring about the impact on the OP. All major issues.

500 pounds of his own money and 380 of yours is 880 in a month on 'lunch, travel cards, and silly things'?

I'd be looking for receipts or physical proof of these purchases. Surely that's excessive by anyone's standards?

And you need to ask him why in the age of debit cards he pays for all these 'silly things' by withdrawing massive amounts of cash instead of just using his debit card to pay directly like everyone else?

My experience with a partner who was spending hundreds a month in cash that he couldn't explain was that it was going on cocaine. This thread whiffs of addiction.

So sorry OP, but you have handled it so well.
On one of the AMA's a prostitute said that a classic tactic that married men use is to withdraw money gradually so as not to rouse suspicion. This was my first thought and combined with him wanting a different life this is compounded.
In your shoes I would probably hire a PD to see what he is up to as you say that he won't admit to anything.

Excellent point. If he had your card why didn't he just use that to purchase a travel card? Why withdraw cash? Surely that's making it unnecessarily complicated.

Unless he doesn't want a record of what he's spending.

He's telling a lot of lies. You need to find out exactly what he's lying about and why.

Horrendous to suddenly discover that someone you trusted is a different person. Stay strong. Keep the anger.

Yes people use cards for everything these days. I don’t think many people spend £200 or whatever it was in cash over the month.

Unless they're spending it on escorts.... who take cash for preference.

“Horrendous to suddenly discover that someone you trusted is a different person.”

^
This. I’m not sure how there is a way back from this, no matter where the money is being spent.

The person you trusted and loved emptied your account, didn’t tell you and came along to the supermarket to enjoy watching you squirm at the checkout !
Then gaslighted you!

Btw they weren't my views, I was saying do you think that's what is causing husband to do this as he feels resentful as he hates his job?

Horrendous situation to be in, can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now

Probably way off base here, & not sure if someone else has suggested it, but could someone be “extorting” money out of him? Caught him doing something he shouldn’t be & is threatening to expose him unless he pays up. Might explain the need for cash.

Hope you get to the bottom of what ever is going on Op

OP the fact he spilled over to using your money makes me think it’s an addiction of sorts so drugs or gambling , the fact he came home after a fight makes me think it might be drugs and the large amount of money going and the grandiosity involved and the wanting to party more sounds like possibly cocaine .