DH withdrawing cash behind my back

[FuckingDH]

Reading my bank statement I've seen a few cash withdrawals the last couple of months that I didn't recognise but I thought it was me being forgetful
Yesterday when trying to pay at the shop, I couldn't find my card and DH suddenly took it out of his wallet and said He had found it earlier at the kitchen floor. My card was declined by the way although I was convenced I had funds

Not sure why this morning I woke up all suspicious, I checked my bank account again and I had a cash withdraw again same time as he went out before we go to the shop
I'm fucking pissed off 17 years together and now I started doubting other things as well. If he can lie about this God knows what else he's done
So:

1. Do I confront him which he ll probably deny or
2. Do I change the PIN and see what happens when the little fucker tries to take money

WWYD

Go OP!

Are we meant to have only “oh my I’m in a terrible situation and don’t know what to do threads”?! Finding deceit can unstable anyone and even if you can deal with this (which you clearly can) having back up or just other opinions can be of comfort.

Do you think your OH is showing off to his brother? He mentioned a few comments about partying, do you think he started to believe what his brother was saying about his situation and then overcompensated by spending extra? You know just to “prove” he can and isn’t tied down?

I would order a new card too in case any unauthorised online shopping has been happening too.

Have you been able to get at his phone yet?

I agree that the fight is probably connected.
Hope you can sort it out OP - and that the relationship is worth some rocky days ahead.

I think you're right to try to get to his phone. Any chance of that working?

What would have been your reaction of he'd have asked you for some money to spend on the extra bits. Would you have given it to him without question or would he have known you'd give him a hard time?

I'm just asking because he may have thought that you would say no and he may have thought he was entitled to a bit of the spare money given that all of his was used for the family finances before. It isn't a case that now there is extra money in the pot, you have more for personal spends but he doesn't? Think honestly how you would have reacted. Would he have had to wheedle it out of you?

Well let's see if it's an addiction or drugs: we agreed I ll be going through his account daily and will be monitoring ins and outs ! So if something not right I will know!

He told me this morning : "why are you still like this? I told you I ll repay you and won't do it again!"... Can someone tell me please , is only my man THAT stupid???

parteeesss I would have given him the money, I trusted him

DasPepe possibly. They have an unhealthy relationship between them, there is a lot of boasting going on from both sides, I'm sick of it.

To answer a PP yes he probably does despise me and yes could be a prostitute situation. Either way let's see when he sleeps in same bed with me next. He probably has no clue trust must be earned, he will find out

Will get in that phone tonight..

I predict you'll find a lot of outbound calls to mobile numbers. Google them ALL of them. Including numbers from other apps that you can make phonecalls from, such as WhatsApp.

Ok thanks good tip

why are you still like this? I told you I ll repay you and won't do it again

Translation: Please shut up about it now because I don't want to tell you the truth and can't think of a suitable lie!

I think for me, the betrayal over the money would be bad enough, but to continue to try and treat you like a fool is even worse. He should have at least come clean about whatever it was that has caused him to do this. You're being so strong and calm OP. I have much admiration for you! I really hope you get to the bottom of it.

Chances are he's wiped his phone clean by now so don't be surprised if there's nothing there.

Women are often advised to have a cash 'fuck off fund' if they're unhappy and/or contemplating leaving their marriage. If you aren't able to figure out where the money's gone do you think there's a chance that he has been thinking of ending the marriage and is building cash to fund a new flat, legal fees, etc? You do mention above that you think he may 'despise' you. Not sure if that was an off the cuff remark re the current situation or if you actually think he has true negative feelings towards you.

Meant to add, maybe it's time for YOU to start your own "F O F". Once the trust is gone, most marriages crumble.

If he's not come clean and told you what it is, that's not good.hell let you monitor his account because now he'll be more careful. This could go on a long time, do you really want to drag it out?

he may have thought he was entitled to a bit of the spare money given that all of his was used for the family finances before.in the pot,

At no point has op said this. He earms 4x what she did and she still put money into the pot. He has his own account so why the hell does he need to steal from op?

The fact he tried to gaslight her says it all really. He didnt need it for normal every day stuff because he was skint paying for everything out of his wages at all. Who the hell needs to take £300 out of someone elses account, refuse to say why then try to blame them?
And as he still hasnt told her why he took it he is still lying by omission.

Has he explained how he managed to spend all his money and yours so that he can't repay you immediately?

I have the same question as @bibesa. Has he explained where the money went? Or why he needed it? In fact, has he provided you any real answers yet?

Yes I am thinking the same as Bibesia and Horton. Has he actually said anything concrete and factual yet?

Exactly! What does he need with that much cash? Almost everything is paid for using credit/debit. It is really suspicious, and he is not being honest with you. If he makes 4× as much as you, why can't he pay you back until pay day? Where is all his money?

Can someone tell me please , is only my man THAT stupid???

No. Although there were times with my ex I found it hard to work out if he was being stupid, or if he thought I was I'm stupid. As instances of his idiocy became more and more commonplace, I soon worked it out.

He was so stupid, I could probably do an hour of stand-up comedy on how stupid he was.

Ha! Yes my ex is both stupid and thinks I'm stupid. Maybe the same is going on with the OP.

I would not let it drop until I knew for sure what the money had been spent on. Don't be handwaved away!

Sounds like he could have a coke habit. I speak from experience, unfortunately.

Has he given any explanation of where all that cash (and the money in his own account) has gone? You have shown him how much it was - even in a single month. He hasn't even offered a convincing lie.

How can he expect you to drop this without further worry? There is a huge gap in his 'sorry'.

Didn't you know now he's said sorry you're supposed to forgive him and forget?!

The more you say the more he sounds like my abusive ex.

No advice really but like someone else has said, if it wasn’t my partner and he was crying I’d be worried. What makes you think it could be another woman? Obviously you know him better than any of us, do you just have a feeling because there is now a lack of trust? If it was me I’d want to know where the money has gone and would not move on until I found out. I’d make that clear to him.