Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Taking on my children'

370 replies

tinkerbellone · 28/07/2018 07:06

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 28/07/2018 13:45

I'm quite surprised at the assumption that the step parent would do childcare or look after dcs in the summer holidays tbh shock I don't know of any cases like this irl and have a fair few divorced friends in new relationships.

If the step mum is on maternity leave, many parents assume that she will do unpaid childcare for a lot (if not all) the summer.

funinthesun18 · 28/07/2018 13:50

If the step mum is on maternity leave, many parents assume that she will do unpaid childcare for a lot (if not all) the summer.

I was about to mention this too.

Winebottle · 28/07/2018 13:50

It is a fair phrase. There is a level of emotional and likely financial investment in kids that are not yours if you are going to live with them.

I would see kids as a negative in terms of desirability of a partner. Step parenting seems to have a lot of the negatives of having children and fewer of the positives.

The man would have to live with the little shits but can't take as much pleasure in watching them grow because ultimately, he is nothing more than mum's BF.

I think most men would rather raise their own kid's than another man's so a woman with 4 kids is going to be less desirable than the same woman without any.

marsbarsandtwix · 28/07/2018 13:53

If the step mum is on maternity leave, many parents assume that she will do unpaid childcare for a lot (if not all) the summer.

I wouldn't dream of doing this and nor would anyone I know irl. I'm saying I don't think it's that common. The step parenting board is bound to be populated by moaners people with gripes but there are many stepparents who are never put in positions like this and its literally EOW for a few years until dcs are grown in some cases. Nothing to stop the step parent going out and letting step children have some time with the nrp.

niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 13:55

Whose poort kids twix??

rainingcatsanddog · 28/07/2018 13:59

My children would not generally require a lift (they get around via public transport) but even if they did, I don't think that is "parenting" or some great responsibility.

Giving lifts can mean not drinking alcohol because having to do a pickup, rearranging your day to suit the child and possibly hanging around if the reason for lift doesn't warrant going home. It's not hard but it's a tiny part of parenting

marsbarsandtwix · 28/07/2018 14:03

The ones whose stepparents resent them nike

I don't know of any stepparents irl who have even given lifts either. Surely this is the job of the parent who is their partner.

CandiedPeach · 28/07/2018 14:06

I'm quite surprised at the assumption that the step parent would do childcare or look after dcs in the summer holidays tbh shock I don't know of any cases like this irl and have a fair few divorced friends in new relationships.

It depends on the family set up, though doesn’t it?
I want more children and my current bf does too. So I see a future where we could possibly have our own dc alongside my dd, he’s a teacher so if he’s got our dc in the holidays I wouldn’t expect to put my dd in
holiday club and I know he wouldn’t want me to.

One of my friends mum remarried and every summer she took her dd and step ds away to visit her family for the whole six week holidays, her dh stayed behind for work or joined them for a week or two. They were a family and she wouldn’t have dreamed of leaving him behind or not including him. She’s actually separated from her dh now, but her dss still sees her and his dc call her nana and my friend auntie.

funinthesun18 · 28/07/2018 14:09

I don't know of any stepparents irl who have even given lifts either. Surely this is the job of the parent who is their partner.

That could be said for a lot of parental jobs but in reality a lot does fall on to stepparents in order for the family to work.

Dungeondragon15 · 28/07/2018 14:09

They may have to chivvy them to tidy up (bring down mugs etc) or is that my kids?

I tell my children to tidy up or bring mugs down but I don't see that as parenting. Anyway, DH would tell them to do that- I think a step parent should be able to stay out of it.

My kids can cook a few meals each but a lot of their peers can't.

Mine can cook too and although I don't expect them to on school nights. DH also cooks. I don't really see that as parenting though or even extra work (if you are cooking for two it is not really any extra effort to cook for four).

Step parents may have to discipline/have difficult conversations about "teen attitude" because the parent is out of earshot or not around at the time.

I don't think they should discipline or have difficult conversations if at all possible actually. Getting involved and telling would not make for harmonious relationships between step parent and child and really that is a job for the actual parents.

A step parent can't stay elsewhere overnight with the parent yet. They are adult priced for holidays and may prefer a totally different holiday to the adults (mental consideration)

They can stay overnight with the parent when the children are at the other parents. Again, I don't see that as parenting. It is more just one of the inconveniences of having a relationship with someone with children that can occur even if are only dating or haven't even met the children.

Original poster
tinkerbellone · 28/07/2018 14:10

When I said about finances, I can finance my family on my own. I don’t need a partner.

If I met a man with four children it would make me pause... but I wouldn’t ever consider myself ‘taking him on’

My xbf had two children, so we had six between us. It was chaotic but really lovely too. My children’s father has a new partner with her DD and there are real problems with my youngest DC when they stay at their dads. So I do understand some of the ins and outs of blended families.

I still believe that I shouldn’t be made to feel grateful, that a man wants to become part of our family. I recognise the difficulties and the pitfalls. But also the joys :)

I love children, I’m a teacher and a youth worker so maybe it’s easier for me?

I don’t expect this thread to get so many responses but I’ve definitely widened my perspective on the ‘taking on’ phrase! . Smile

OP posts:
marsbarsandtwix · 28/07/2018 14:11

I suppose the main thing in those cases candied is that the step parent is willing and agreeable to doing it.

Would your dp look after your dd now in the holidays though, or just if you had another child together? I suppose in many cases the father would be taking on some of the role during the school holidays though if around?

Clairetree1 · 28/07/2018 14:12

What would a "step parent" need to do?

live with them,

in their home

100% of the time...............

marsbarsandtwix · 28/07/2018 14:13

I completely agree with dungeondragon15

roundaboutthetown · 28/07/2018 14:14

The biological parents being touchy about what constitutes parenting and either pretending you won't have to do any parenting if you live with them or telling you that you aren't invested enough, or that you are butting in on decisions you have no right to have a say over, or having ex partners telling you they don't like your involvement, are some other very good reasons why someone may well not want to take that on! Frankly, adoption or having your own biological children sound much easier! Step parenting sounds exactly like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, with multiple people feeling entitled to disagree with the way that you do it - far more aggressively and openly than they would dare if you were the biological parent. I'd run a mile, frankly - you only have to read a few of the posts on this thread to see how much angst you may have to take on.

Dungeondragon15 · 28/07/2018 14:14

Giving lifts can mean not drinking alcohol because having to do a pickup, rearranging your day to suit the child and possibly hanging around if the reason for lift doesn't warrant going home. It's not hard but it's a tiny part of parenting.

I still don't see that as parenting. If you gave a lift to a 30 year old it might mean you can't drink alcohol but it doesn't mean you are "parenting them" You are just giving them a lift! Sometimes DD's friends parents or her friends themselves (who drive) give her a lift. That doesn't mean they are parenting them!

roundaboutthetown · 28/07/2018 14:18

I don't perceive "taking something on" as being a phrase which is laden with the expectation that anyone should be grateful to you for doing it, though, tbh. If it were, I would agree that is offensive, but why on earth would you expect gratitude for a decision freely made? I don't understand that interpretation of the phrase. I just interpret it as an acknowledgement that you are making a momentous decision which should never be made lightly.

quizqueen · 28/07/2018 14:19

Unless you're a widow, if I was bloke I think more than twice about getting involved with someone who's had 4 kids in a relationship or relationships which haven't worked out.

Dungeondragon15 · 28/07/2018 14:19

The biological parents being touchy about what constitutes parenting

I have no reason to be "touchy". I am married to my children's father so they don't have step parents and as they are in their teens it is highly unlikely that they will before they are adults. I genuinely don't think that a stepparent of teens is"parenting" or at least they shouldn't be.

marsbarsandtwix · 28/07/2018 14:21

Unless you're a widow, if I was bloke I think more than twice about getting involved with someone who's had 4 kids in a relationship or relationships which haven't worked out.

Hmm judgemental much

niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 14:22

Ok. Disagree about that though. I had a partner who i gave everything to. He wouldn't even watch my kid while i went to work when childcare let me down despite having known her 2 years. If im putting my all into a relationship and getting that zero effort back, whats the point in wasting your time? It was a one off. Yes the parent is the parent but their partner doesnt get to lead a seperate life just having food and sex but with none of the reality of kid stuff. Unfortunately loads of single parents put up with these scraps and unfortunately their kids are always 'in the way'.

niketrainersarecomfy · 28/07/2018 14:24

Dungeon good for you

CandiedPeach · 28/07/2018 14:27

He hasn’t met her yet marsbar. I’m speaking very hypothetically. I’m sure if we were living together or close to that stage he would do though.

Botanicbaby · 28/07/2018 14:28

YANBU OP I completely agree with you. Hate that expression and it’s so loaded towards men like they’re ‘taking on a huge burden’ and that you should be thankful and grateful when you’ve got ‘baggage’.

No-one seems to see it the other way around that you’re the one who maybe wants to choose someone suitable for you/your family.

funinthesun18 · 28/07/2018 14:29

nike this is what I mean. You can’t go in to stepparenting without any responsibilities towards the children or it just won’t work. You literally are “taking on” those responsibilities and if you won’t then you can’t be a stepparent.

I do think there is a line between working together as a family and being a doormat though, and I’ll always say when I think a stepparent is doing too much.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread