'Taking on my children'

[tinkerbellone]

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

I think you are BU and need a reality check. Remember the only people who like and find their own kids amazing are their own (biological) parents. 4 kids is "taking on" a hell of a lot of hassle and there should be an element of gratitude to a man who is going to (voluntarily) deal with all that. I for one would never get romatically involved with a single parent- not prepared to 'take that on

Surely the children already have two parents confused Dating someone with kids isn't 'deciding to be a parent'

In the long term you become a parental figure. When you’re in a long term relationship or married and live together etc...
When you’re dating and it’s nothing serious then that’s when you make that choice whether to stay or run. It’s not for everyone and people need to stop being so offended by that.

I would give men who would consider it a task rather than a happy turn of event a miss to be honest.

My DP has raised my daughter and sees her as his own and has never seen it as a task. Yes it is difficult for him as he came into her life when she was 6 but 5 years down the line and it is as if she was his from birth. I have to add that I am lucky enough that my in laws have welcomed her with open arms and treat her like a grandchild, spoil her rotten and attend all her school events no matter how boring they might be.

So the right man is out there OP and he will find you and your dumplings. :) xx

Badly phrased but surely the reality is that taking responsibility for 4 children is a big deal.

Yikes, I have 4 Boys and am a single parent. I’ve had one relationship since I’ve split with their dad and didn’t live together. We mostly spent time together when my kids weren’t there. Or were asleep so he didn’t have a parenting or financial role and never did mainly because we split up and I then realised I was better off single as bringing someone into my home and disrupting my kids lives isn’t fair not at the moment anyway.

4 kids is a lot to have as a parent on their own, and my priority is them and I really feel I couldn’t give both a partner (new relationship) and my kids enough attention so I’m enjoying the single life and time with my boys.

I also don’t want someone to feel like seeing me is a burden because I have 4 kids, it’s full on as it is. Introducing a man into this life would be massive. So I’ll wait until they are older (eldest 2 are 13&17) perhaps by then I’ll be happy alone anyway can’t wait to go on holiday alone when they’re all grown up but for now I’m happy with caravan parks and Legoland 😊

Children are a massive emotional and financial responsibility to accept into a previously uncommitted single person's lifestyle. He or she is not just navigating building one new partnership but several at the same time. In your case, you're only working to build and sustain one new relationship, he's working to build and sustain 5 new relationships simultaneously.

No, entering into a relationship with a single parent and being prepared to share the responsibility for a one child or more doesn't deserve a medal but it is brave and does deserve a certain amount of respect. Take on to me is not negative, when I take something on it gives weight to the task, reminds me of the importance of an ongoing responsibility which is not something to be taken lightly. YABU and a tad precious, I think.

What if you met a single father (man of your dreams) of 4 children, would you think it would be a lot to take on?

Do many people really come with absolutely no baggage (for want of a better word) though funinthesun?

I’m only in my 20’s and nearly everyone I know has something bubbling under the surface. And its my female friend and her bf who’s his mums career. She doesn’t see it as taking his mum on, no more than my bf sees it as taking my dd on. But the commitment is similar, my friends bf only works part time to accommodate his mums needs if they live together/get married my friend will likely always be the main earner, he lives with her and struggles to go away on holidays as he needs to arrange other care and his mum doesn’t like it. Yes he could send her to a home, assited living or get a full time career, but I could send dd to boarding school to her dad full time or employ a full time nanny to care for her. I won’t, just like he won’t.

YABU.

And TBH I wouldn't set up home with someone who has one child, never mind 4.

To date that person- yes, to set up home with them- no way.

There is a difference between seeing them as a burden and accepting the stepparenting role is demanding and not easy, and comes with lots of new responsibilities that you didn’t have before.

There is a difference but I think "taking them on" implies that you are taking on a burden rather than just deciding that you want to be a step parent.

If anything it’s offensive to sniff at the term because you’re kind of minimising just how big the stepparenting role is. I don’t think anyone deserves a medal, but at least acknowledge that it’s a big deal to decide to be with someone with children.

It's not necessarily a big role though is it? If DH and I split up and he remarried I don't think his new partner would have to do any parenting. He would do that as would I.

Of course everyone comes with their own set of circumstances. People have work commitments, maybe wider family stuff, medical issues...It’s just that in the grand scheme of things, 4 children is a quite a big thing. Many biological parent couples would find raising 4 children demanding, financially and emotionally, so it’s hardly surprising that to take on responsibility as a non biological parent is something many people would think long and hard about.

I don’t see it as negative. It’s just reality. And in fact it’s a positive thing that people should think through all the implications Before jumping into children’s lives and then realising they don’t want the commitment

To date that person- yes, to set up home with them- no way.?

If DH and I split up I wouldn't want to set up home with a single childless person either and I am certain my children wouldn't want to live with a step parent. That doesn't mean that I think that single parents who remarry are doing their spouse a favour by letting them be a stepparent.

Very odd to think that if someone with children married again, their spouse 'wouldn't do any parenting'. If they're adults not living at home perhaps but otherwise I don't see how they could avoid parenting.

Nor should they.

I can see where you are coming from. I am in a new relationship. I have two teen boys. Both boys fathers are involved with them as much as me. I don't have a 'legal' set amount of maintenance off either of them. Purely because if I mention one needs a new pair of trainers his dd will say I'll take him for some tomorrow. Or if one comes home from school with a letter about a trip his dd will text me to say he's paid for it. I took them to a wedding recently both dd's said they'd take them for suit's etc. So you can see they do pay way above what would be required, because they are their children, and their world. Therefore if mine and dp's relationship eventually gets to the stage of moving in together, he will I guess be taking on two dc, we would half bills etc so he would be providing for them in that sense, but he knows that he won't be expected to fork out for clothes, electricals, trips or holidays, because they have their own dd's who do that. But then I think I'm in a minority anyway as I still have a great relationship with both ex's, and my dp gets along really well with them. We have barbecues, family parties, etc all together, with them and their partners, and partners children, which probably looks strange from the outside, but it's our normal!🤷🏻‍♀️

Very odd to think that if someone with children married again, their spouse 'wouldn't do any parenting'. If they're adults not living at home perhaps but otherwise I don't see how they could avoid parenting.

My children are teenagers but not yet adults. I don't actually see what "parenting" a DH's partner would have to do. He is their parent as am I. What would a "step parent" need to do?

Surely the children already have two parents  Dating someone with kids isn't 'deciding to be a parent'
It's insulting tbh

The definition of step parent varies from family to family. In some families the step parent does some of the childcare when the parent isn't there. In others, the parenting might be limited to the odd lift for a teen as the parent covers the rest. In the first case unpaid childcare through the school
Summer holidays (for instance) is a massive task in itself imo

You're assuming that both parents are around. 50/50 households are unusual in my experience. Having an absent parent or very part-time parent is much more common in my experience. Co-parenting well with an ex requires understanding current partners as well as a "friendly" breakup (so no abuse etc)

My children are teenagers but not yet adults. I don't actually see what "parenting" a DH's partner would have to do. He is their parent as am I. What would a "step parent" need to do?

If your children are teenagers then they don’t really need looking after. But it’s a different story when the children are little. My dad met my stepmum when I was 19 so she’s not had to take on any sort of responsibility towards me, but just accept that I exist if you see what I mean. If they had met when I was 4 then things would have been a lot different in terms of expectations of her.

In others, the parenting might be limited to the odd lift for a teen as the parent covers the rest.

My children would not generally require a lift (they get around via public transport) but even if they did, I don't think that is "parenting" or some great responsibility.

Nothing obviously..just sit quietly in a corner and have no input whatsoever in the care of children living/spending a lot of time in their home

I'm quite surprised at the assumption that the step parent would do childcare or look after dcs in the summer holidays tbh I don't know of any cases like this irl and have a fair few divorced friends in new relationships.
Not saying it doesn't happen but not the norm imo

I took on a few kids who came with my (now) husband, would I do it again....no!

If your children are teenagers then they don’t really need looking after. But it’s a different story when the children are little.

Yes, I agree that if the children are very little then the step parent may provide some childcare. However, many posters seem to that step parents to teens are parenting too which isn't (or shouldn't) be the case.

the poor kids

I'm quite surprised at the assumption that the step parent would do childcare or look after dcs in the summer holidays tbh shock I don't know of any cases like this irl and have a fair few divorced friends in new relationships.

Have you ever been on the stepparenting board? It’s swarming with threads about this sort of stuff.

My children are teenagers but not yet adults. I don't actually see what "parenting" a DH's partner would have to do. He is their parent as am I. What would a "step parent" need to do?

They may have to chivvy them to tidy up (bring down mugs etc) or is that my kids? 😂

My kids can cook a few meals each but a lot of their peers can't.

Step parents may have to discipline/have difficult conversations about "teen attitude" because the parent is out of earshot or not around at the time. My kids rarely have tantrums that involve slamming doors, chucking stuff etc but they are prone to dramatic sighs and eye rolling which I'd be happy for a step parent/teacher to tell them off for.

A step parent can't stay elsewhere overnight with the parent yet. They are adult priced for holidays and may prefer a totally different holiday to the adults (mental consideration)