'Taking on my children'

[tinkerbellone]

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

Yes yabu.

I honestly can’t see why people get so offended by this term.

Because it implies that the partnership is not equal and that one person is doing the other a favour when in reality there are pros and cons for both partners, as in any relationship.

Horrible way to put it but it's the truth. I dated a guy with a nightmare child and it was really difficult.

But then you didn't marry him, presumably. Quite probably the child was very happy that you didn't "take them on" and they would have preferred not to "take you on" as a stepmother either.

YABU, they will be taking on 4 children. That’s a MASSIVE ask and a lot of responsibility.
There will be men who will gladly do it but you come with baggage and there is no denying that.

I see why you don't like it but it's true. I would think of the phrase as taking on more responsibility rather than a burden.

I'm a single mum of 3 secondary aged kids. If a partner moved in then they wouldn't have to do stuff like babysit and cook for them but they cost a lot of £££ (which would be affected by someone moving in). A childless couple can get away with living in a much smaller house with lower costs while a person with stepchildren has to factor them in for decisions like holidays, whether or not they can take a new job (my kids are doing exams so can't move) and so on.

Because it implies that the partnership is not equal and that one person is doing the other a favour when in reality there are pros and cons for both partners, as in any relationship.

I don’t see it that way. I see it as equal and accepting the children in to your life and choosing to have a parental role in their lives. I’m a mum of three so I know full well any man would be taking on a lot by being with me. I don’t try to kid myself in thinking it would be a walk in the park for him.

I don’t see it that way. I see it as equal and accepting the children in to your life and choosing to have a parental role in their lives. I’m a mum of three so I know full well any man would be taking on a lot by being with me. I don’t try to kid myself in thinking it would be a walk in the park for him.

It's not equal though if accepting your children is a massive burden that negatively impacts their lives though is it? The only way it could be equal would be if they felt that being a parent improved their lives or that you offered something else that they couldn't get from someone who didn't have children. People marry for their own benefit, not as a favour.

When I met my DH he was the one on his own with 4 children. It’s even harder that way round.

I don’t like the term ‘take them on’ and if a partner used that term in regards to my dd it would end our relationship. Yes, dating someone with children comes with added responsibilities, but so does dating someone with health issues (physical or mental) are their partners ‘taking them on’?

Would I be the same person without dd, I don’t think I would. And it’s this version of me, my bf has fallen for. So he has dd to thank really.

I do think it comes with additional risk though and would only date someone who fully acknowledges that. From my side dd could become attached and if we split up that would effect her. But until we discussed things I never thought about it from my bf’s perspective, he’s potentially opening himself up to love a child that he’s got no rights to at all. We split up in 2,5,10, years time or something happens to me, he could go from seeing dd everyday to never again.

I don't mind the term itself I just don't think it should be assumed a man will be doing that.

But then again I don't really mind staying single!

What a depressing thread for single parents. The assumption seems to be they should be grateful anybody would date them. Reminds me why I've been single the past decade until dcs grow up. Not my choice as exh left. He's managed to find someone who just about tolerates my dcs eow who's apparently heroic

If I met a bloke with kids I would see that as extra kids in my life= bonus

It's not equal though if accepting your children is a massive burden that negatively impacts their lives though is it?

There is a difference between seeing them as a burden and accepting the stepparenting role is demanding and not easy, and comes with lots of new responsibilities that you didn’t have before.

Being a parent is exhausting and a total minefield as it is. An unrelated person coming in to their lives and choosing to be a parental figure to them is a huge role to take on in my opinion.

If anything it’s offensive to sniff at the term because you’re kind of minimising just how big the stepparenting role is. I don’t think anyone deserves a medal, but at least acknowledge that it’s a big deal to decide to be with someone with children.

Exactly that, be careful, my second H "took on"2 of my children, another lived with his father,i was never allowed to forget they were MY children, i even had to buy them Christmas presents etc, my 3rd child wasnt even allowed to visit me.
You can imagine how long that marriage lasted
No sign of this happening before marriage
I went on to have twins with him, and he doesnt even bother with them
Also his mother never accepted them ,he had 4 to his first wife and they were all that counted in her eyes

YABU. Any man you date seriously will be taking on your children. They are not his children, he did not choose to have them, so if he wants to be with you he will be taking them on as well because you are a package deal.

Children that aren’t yours are a huge commitment, because you as their mother will love them unconditonally, but anyone else who comes in has to learn to love them and that’s not always easy, particularly if the kids put up barriers to that.

I think it's a poorly-worded phrase that has become commonplace, but is usually used with no malice. It means that when you become a step-parent you "take on" a new responsibility (which is true), but I agree that the phrase itself almost labels the children burdensome.

It's a bit like when stay-at-home mums describe themselves at "full time mums". Usually no ill will is meant, but it can get working mums' backs up as the phrase itself implies there are "full time mums" and "part time mums."

That’s easy to say marsbarsandtwix if you haven’t done it. Loads of people on here have said knowing what step parenting involves they’d never do it as it’s just too bloody hard.

The idea of a bonus child is great but if you don’t have your own children and get catapulted into parenting the sacrifices it takes are enormous. Plenty of us who do it happily say it’s worth it but no one knows what it really means until they do it.

As someone upthread wisely said, the loving someone else’s children is the easy bit. It’s the lack of control over your own life, the expectations and responsibilities without the say or rights takes some getting used to. Love them like your own but expect no say in their upbringing. Sacrifice yourself for whatever they need and never complain. Pay for them and potentially get excluded from big parts of their lives. Be a parent figure but always remember you’re not their mum or dad. Be there for them but know you’ll lose them if your partner dies or your relationship ends. House them but don’t think you can discipline them. If you have children together make sure there’s as little impact on the “first family” as possible. Remember they never asked for you in their lives so suck up whatever they throw at you. Have parts of your life dictated by the other parent who’s nothing to do with you and whatever they do respect them because as long as the DC are in your life the ex is around.

All common features for many people of being with someone who has children.

but at least acknowledge that it’s a big deal to decide to be with someone with children.
Deciding to be with anyone long term is a big deal surely? One of my friends is dating someone with a disabled parent, he’s been her main career since he was a teen and his dad left. It’s something she had to consider yes and it effects their relationship. But she doesn’t think of it as taking his mum on. I have another friend who has ms and the amount of guys who’ve tried to make her feel grateful they’re willing to date her is depressing. She’s a wonderful amazing person and luckily her current boyfriend realises that and knows how lucky he is!

If a man gets together with a mother of 4 and doesn't "take them on" (start providing for them/care for them/look after them etc) he's considered a bastard. So yes, of course it's a big ask.

I feel like people are missing the point a bit. This phrase is upsetting to the op not because she disagrees that 4 kids are hard work, but because she feels like people are implying she should be grateful to any man who wants to get involved with her. That kind of thinking leaves women vulnerable to abusive arseholes and op has already left one of those. You're right op, any man who sees himself as doing you a favour by "taking on" your kids, who implies they're a burden or that you should be grateful isn't someone you should give the time of day

Deciding to be with anyone long term is a big deal surely?

Of course, but some relationships come with extra (I’m sorry to use this term) “baggage”.
Two people in their early twenties who have no kids and no other responsibilities in their lives apart from themselves will have a much easier life together than a couple where one or both already have children, or where one or both of them is a carer.

And no your friend’s husband hasn’t taken her mum on. Deciding to be a parent to someone else’s children is very different.

I guess annelovesgilbert it really depends on circumstances. For many men the reality is EOW, very little actual parenting is done and they end up with the majority of the former family income and therefore might be considered a fairly good 'catch.' In circumstances where they're easily able to pay for dcs and still have a good income I don't see a new partner doing EOW as being a massive undertaking tbh. I think step parents might see it that they get to enjoy the child's company without having to suffer childbirth and the baby years and without having to take on too much responsibility or worry. Very different if they live with the children full time obviously.

In the end I feel sorry for children where the step parents are moaning about them. They didn't ask to be in the situation and have to put up with a lot.

As I said, that is why I'm single. I don't want anyone to feel they are doing me and my dcs a massive favour.

Deciding to be a parent to someone else’s children is very different.

Surely the children already have two parents Dating someone with kids isn't 'deciding to be a parent'
It's insulting tbh

I was often told I was 'taking on the children' when I got together with my DP who had DCs from a previous marriage, however I never felt this way the case. We liked each other from the word go so there was never any sense of them being a burden to me at all. However, if there was a strain in my relationship with the DCs then I could understand why people might think it's a burden and I'm doing a good deed so to speak by 'taking them on'. I think the phrase is badly worded and yes makes it sound like the OH is doing you a favour but unless they mean it like its a chore I don't think there's any malice behind it. Like I said, I never felt my DSC were/are a burden (though can still drive me nuts being moody teenagers!) but that's because we got off on the right foot I think so our relationship is great/easy. I felt lucky to be accepted into their family, rather than thinking they should feel lucky I want to join it.

I don’t think anyone should be grateful because it’s a choice at the end of the day. Nobody forces anyone to be with someone with children. But if they stay and are positive person in the children’s lives, that’s not to say it will always be easy.

'Taking on' is a horrible term but it accurately reflects my experience of step-parenting. It's vastly different and more difficult than parenting your own child. YANBU to dislike the phrase, OP, but be aware that anyone you date will have to make many compromises to meet the needs of your existing family.