'Taking on my children'

[tinkerbellone]

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

Part of it is that as a step parent your relationship with you DSC is entirely dependent on your relationship with your partner or your spouse.

For all my love and effort and investment and how good our family unit is, if DH dropped dead tomorrow I’d never see the DC again. They’re primary age and if anything happened to him they’d be ft with their mother and my involvement world cease immediately.

It’s a sobering thought.

I get why you don’t like the phrase op. I also get why many people wouldn’t want to be in a serious relationship with someone who already has four children. Or any children tbh! I don’t think I’d do it.

But, if I split from dh or, (god forbid), he died and I decided I wanted a new partner, I wouldn’t want them to say this to me. I’d rather they weren’t my partner at all than they ‘take me on’ like some sort of project. I know he said ‘take on’ your dcs, not you, but you do come as a package at this stage, so it’s tantamount to the same thing imho.

I think blended families and stepparenting sound like a bloody hard gig, don’t get me wrong. And I don’t think I could do it myself. But, I also wouldn’t like to feel as if my partner thought he was doing me some massive favour by being with me either.

Very tricky. I don’t know what the answer is tbh, unless you’re happy to keep your relationship with dp and your dcs / family life separate.

anne that is so true and very sobering. Being a SP to young dcs sounds like a very hard relationship to navigate or dare I say it... ‘take on’!

As someone who is a step-parent then I think it is only fair that you go into a relationship with your eyes open. You might not like the phrase "taking on your children" but any prospective partner has to be realistic in saying that with you there aren't just 2 people in the relationship there are 6! People are just being honest about your situation. Being a step-parent is not easy and some people don't really want that stress.

I agree dragon but op’s second post does state he’ll be making a financial commitment. If my partner chooses to spend money on son then that’s his choice and an indulgence, but my son is fully financed by me and his father.

The fact that he is making a financial commitment doesn't mean that he is doing them a favour though. Regardless of children, people only marry because for them the pros of being married outweigh the cons. They don't do it because their future spouse needs them and it isn't a favour a future spouse should be grateful for.

I'm divorced and a Mum of 2. To be honest anyone who dates me isn't going to be involved with my children at all! I'm not looking for someone to eventually move in (or not until they are adults) and certainly not to take them on - they have a Dad whatever I think of him

@blackteasplease you can only separate parts of your life so far. The fact is that you have kids and they will impact any future relationship of any seriousness to some degree.

But dragon in some cases the person with kids does “need” the future spouse in a financial sense, whether the future spouse realises it or not. I infer from op’s reference to a future partner making a financial commitment that she is not financially independent.

It would probably be quite a shock to go from no kids to 4 kids all at once, I would find it hard.
Definitely a privilege to be part of the lives of young people though.

It’s not all bad HowIWishYouWereHere, DH and DSD just brought me breakfast in bed which is lovely

When I’m drowning in laundry, making packed lunches, only ever watching Disney films at the cinema, spending hours in the arcade rather than having a quiet lunch on the beach on holiday, waking up early, breaking up spats and all the other joys of parenting while not actually being a parent I know we’re all lucky to have each other but I’d be a bit pissed off if DH ever suggested he and his kids were doing me a favour by letting me into their family.

Aw lovely anne!

I hope you never find out, but I imagine they would still want to see you if anything ever did happen to your dh. I know people who are still in touch with stepparents even after they have divorced their own parent!

Just horrible wording, I'd want anyone who dates me to put serious thought and consideration to my kids as we all come together

I was quite clear when I was last single that I didn't want anyone with small children. Well that went well - my husband has three! At that point they were 14, 7 and 5. Those kids were my only reservation about our relationship, I didn't think twice, I thought thousands of times. It's a pretty special person who takes four children belonging to someone else into their lives.

My son's friend married a widow with four children last year, their first child together (her fifth) was born a few months back. They are a big happy family now, that is all that matters. The guy's mum is over the moon as she had a big family and was missing family days out when her kids grew up. She now has five grandkids to spend time with and the kids got an interested, involved extra grandparent.

I hate this phrase.

I'm single and a mum. I'm not dating yet but when I do I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour, a ready made daddy, or someone to go halves on bills. I'll be looking for someone to have fun and share experiences with - just like most single people.

I hate the assumption that I have different expectations.

I think YABU, yes. Because they would say the same if it was a new woman "taking on" another man's 4 children (if the man was the sole parent).

It's not gender specific and it IS a big ask to walk into a family with 4 children, especially if they're all small and will need years of parenting and care yet.

But dragon in some cases the person with kids does “need” the future spouse in a financial sense, whether the future spouse realises it or not. I infer from op’s reference to a future partner making a financial commitment that she is not financially independent.

The fact that someone make a financial commitment doesn't mean that the future spouse needs it. It might just mean that they live in a bigger house or no longer can claim tax credits for example. Some women and certainly the children may prefer to live in a smaller house by themselves. There are pros and cons for both partners and ultimately, neither person is doing the other a favour. They are marrying because it is of benefit to themselves.

I know of a man who has recently married a woman with a child from a previous relationship (child's father is long gone). This child has an intellectual disability, autism, oppositional defiance and is very violent. He has stepped up, changed his working hours so he can do school pickups, attends every school meeting, and is amazing when the child has a meltdown or gets violent. A lot of men would have run screaming from this sort of situation, so I think he has 'taken on' a lot, and is a really great person. It's not always said in a derogatory manner.

I don't like the phrase either.

I met my husband when I had three young children under the age of 6.

Thankfully, my husband hates the phrase too because if he ever uttered those words I would have been very put off.

I have a lot of admiration for step parents who are really love and care for their step children. And I have a lot of admiration for single mothers who accept nothing less in a partner.

'Taking on' now that you point it out is nagative but the only context I have heard it in is praising the step parent, it isn't supposed to imply anything bad to the parent or children, but I understand how it sounds.

Perhaps you are not BU rather defensive and unrealistic.

It would be nice for someone to "take on" (because I'm exhausted and broke) my two often awkward and grumpy children, me (sometimes bitchy), my 2 dogs and help me with my very elderly parents. They would have to adore arsey children, demanding elderly parents, dogs who roll in fox shit and a woman who just wants to sleep and has no money.

I would like them to be very, very rich with a yacht, a pony and an enormous penis (another of my deficiencies).

*mothers or fathers.

I think finances do play a part. Im a single parent, but I am financially independent, won't lose any money if my partner moves in (don't claim any benefits or recieve income/maintenance from ex in case he decided to end payments). I think it feels we have both come into the relationship on equal terms, and he has never said this. Someone once said something similar to this to him which he laughed and said 'it's more like she is taking me on'.

I honestly can’t see why people get so offended by this term.

Horrible way to put it but it's the truth. I dated a guy with a nightmare child and it was really difficult. Hardly ever got any time together without tantrums/interruptions.