'Taking on my children'

[tinkerbellone]

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

Frankly, yes.

It's not implying your children are a burden, it's the truth..4 kids is alot to take on.

I don't think you children are a burden and it's insulting for people to imply that they are. But starting a relationship with someone who has kids does involve certain responsibilities that don't come with single people. If the relationship becomes serious and long term it will eventually involve care and responsibility for children, and again while this isn't a burden per se it does require acceptance of these inevitable responsibilities.

I think it’s a bad phrase and a poor way of looking at it from a new partners perspective but I think it’s also a mistake to underestimate how hard it can be to be with someone who has children. I would say particularly if someone doesn’t have their own children it can be hard to adjust to not being the priority and having an ex partner impact on your life so much.
I feel very grateful to be involved in my DSDs life; she is amazing and I would never change things but it has and does make my life harder. This is well worth it but at bad times I might have thought differently.

Anybody in a relationship with you will have to be involved in family life so yes they are taking on children whether its 1 or 4.

If you cant see that its actually completely different to all of a sudden have some or a lot of emotional and financial responsibility (if he moves in) for 4 children and becoming part of a family you didnt create, as opposed to just getting a girlfriend, then i think youre being a tad unrealistic.

I’m sure your children are wonderful and that being a part of their lives is a delight and a privilege, HOWEVER, that doesnt stop it ALSO being a huge risk responsibility, challenge and life changing.move. It IS a big ask of someone and not something you should underestimate - you should be FAR more wary of someone who doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

But they will be taking on 4 children and that is a very different relationship than someome who is child free or only has 1 child.
It's not a positive or negative statement but that's the facts.

"Taking on your children" isn't a nice turn of phrase but I'm not sure you can escape the reality of it. You're asking someone to accept responsibility for, and help to raise, four of somebody else's children. You can insist that it would be a privilege for them by all means but I'm not sure that this attitude will help you find what you're looking for. You're asking a hell of a lot of a potential partner, acknowledge it.

I'm surprised at your reaction, can you honestly not see how your setup would look from the point of view of a potential partner?

Thank you for all your replies. I do understand that four children is a lot and is a big responsibility; financially and emotionally.

I agree that someone who is aware of this and talks about it is better then someone who is unaware.

I guess I need to explore my feelings a bit more.
When people say it it’s makes me feel defensive and as though I should be grateful.
As a statement/phrase it gets my back up.

YABU I'm afraid. Anyone who forms a long-term relationship with you will also need to cultivate a good relationship with all of your children, and ultimately take some responsibility for them. This is a huge commitment, however lovely your children might be.

I think your way of framing it as "they should be glad to be part of your family" (I paraphrase) is sound, and should help you sort the wheat from the chaff. It also centres your children. My older siblings had the "he's taking on so much" narrative reflected from his side of the family when my dad married my mum and adopted them. I can only imagine how that must have felt for my mum and my siblings. Don't think my dad saw it that way, though. He just counted himself lucky to be invited to join my mum's family.

Any new partner would be taking on your children. My husband is a step dad to my children, and he took them on - emotionally and financially. Every decision we make about our joint life includes them.

I can honestly say that any man who assumes responsibility for a ready-made family of four children has my admiration!

But nobody should be talking to you like that.

I think your way of framing it as "they should be glad to be part of your family" (I paraphrase) is sound, and should help you sort the wheat from the chaff. It also centres your children.

I think it holds the opposite assumption, though, that the man, who - let's be honest - is going to shoulder a huge responsibility for four children who aren't his, should be grateful. It's a bit of an odd way to think, that he is being 'invited' to be part of a family, rather than that he is forming a family, don't you think?

I certainly wouldn't do it.

You're right, as a phrase, it is a bit crass and insensitive. However, the reality is that when I was childfree, I specifically put in my OLD profile the I didn't want a relationship with somebody who already had children (I'd had experience of being a pseudo-SM before) as I know the extra pressure it can put on a relationship.

I would apply that thinking if DH and I split up and I met somebody else - I would fully appreciate that a potential partner would be put off my my (completely amazing) children!

YABU but I understand why you dislike the phrase.

To me 'taking on the children' means taking on the role of stepfather (with all its difficulties), taking financial responsibly for them, accepting that your attention will be split 5 ways. Hopefully you will meet a man who adores your kids and is happy to be part of your big family. But many men do view another man's children as a negative, especially at the beginning. Which I think is where the comments come from.

Yes, YABU...'taking on' 4 children is a huge commitment and not something many men (or women) would do lightly. And yes, they would be 'taking them on' because they are not theirs! If you can't see that then you are deluded, quite frankly! Having 4 children of your own of course is completely different...you love them and they are your responsibility. Hand on heart, I wouldn't even consider a relationship with someone who has 4 young children...and I love kids (have 2 of my own and I'm a Year 1 teacher 🤷‍♀️). Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted from this thread. Try putting yourself in their position...the long term ramifications of doing so would be huge!

I would fully appreciate that a potential partner would be put off my my (completely amazing) children!

To be honest, any man who didn't feel at least a sense of trepidation at the idea of parenting my effervescent bundle of two-year old joy would be ruled out immediately on the grounds that he was a rampant idiot!

YABU, it’s exactly what they would be doing and lots of people might look on the prospect with trepidation. That’s not to say you won’t find someone amazing who is willing to do just that.

Personally i would not want to be with a man who had 4 children to another woman, i don't even think i could do it if it was 1 child

Its not just "taking on" the child/children its everything that comes with them e.g. their other parent and associated drama

It all depends on what relationship you have though. I'm in two years in with my partner and we are a strong, serious relationship but we have no intention of blending families or taking on each others children. We have met each others kids and done things with them but we are not planning on anything further until they are much much further on. It's possible to have a relationship without inevitably moving in together etc.

I think it's the phrase "taking on" that's negative. Also people talk about "another man's children" which always sounds like they are criticising the children rather than the (often absent) father.

YABU -you want someone prepared to spend time and emotional investment on 4 very difficult relationships with 4 young complete strangers!

What a massive undertaking! herculean!

and you want him to do that every day, in his down time, in his own home, indefinitely......

that is before you even consider the financial costs, and everything else.

Why does the fact that you, their mother consider them funny, independent and bright make that any less of a burden? If anything your describing them as this makes the whole scenario sound pretty much nightmarish.

To be honest, I wonder how seriously you take your own parenting, to see it as such a minor inconvenience to a relationship