'Taking on my children'

[tinkerbellone]

I’m a single mother to four. I have heard this phrase so many times from people when I’ve been dating, ‘well he’s going to be taking on four children’ like he deserves a medal. One exBF actually said this to my face, almost like I should be thankful to him!
My children are great kids. Not perfect. But funny, independent and bright.

AIBU that if I did ever meet a man who I wanted to marry etc, no one is ‘taking on’ anything and they should be happy to become part of my family? Rather than implying it’s a burden?

Or am I seeing this from the wrong point of view.

I don't like the phrase as it does imply that the children are a burden. Also it seems a bit old fashioned and harks back to the days when the man worked and women stayed at home so "taking on" the children meant he would be paying financially for them. Do people ever say that women are "taking on" children if they marry a man who has children?

I agree with OP, frankly. I'm quite happy as a single parent and I love my life. My kids aren't a burden, and I don't need any man to "take them on". Anyone I date is lucky to share a part of our lives.

YANBU for feeling defensive when people use this phrase.

You would BU to take issue with them at all because in the cold light of day it isn't an insult in any way.

If anything the fact that someone would be assuming some level of (presumably life long) responsibility/duty towards a load of kids they have never given a flying fuck about before that day is something to be conscious of, because there are a few good/bad reasons why people might be prepared to do this and it's worth keeping your head screwed on.

For this reason I don't think it's U of people to say it.

I couldn’t get with a man with 4 children. I’d quickly show any man the door if he already has children as I wouldn’t be up for being a stepparent again even to 1 child.

Speaking as a mum of 3 soon to be 4, I know how hard work having so many kids is. I would expect any man to run a mile if I was single, and if I was single and met someone who didn’t mind me having children I can’t think of a better phrase to use than “taking them on”.

I think it's safe to say that anyone using the phrase "take them on" isn't a person who I would consider for a relationship.

Not everyone lives their lives that way.

Also, you only have to visit the step-parenting board here on MN to see the expectations that people have of step-parents - that they will treat their SC the same as their own flesh and blood, that they will never, ever have a holiday with their DP and DC without the SC being included, that absolutely everything from now on has to be equal and that the family must bend over backwards to accommodate every whim of the SC so they don't feel left out. Just reading the threads is exhausting - I cannot imagine living like that - as a slave to someone else's kids.

I despise that turn of phrase and ages ago started a thread where the majority agreed. Times have changed on MN. You might just as well say that children, who often have less power in relationships and the choices their parents are making for them, are "taking on" random adults and possible subsequent siblings that their parents decide to introduce into their lives.

I can understand feeling defensive, but I agree although the phrasing is unfortunate, it can't be denied it will be a challenge to some people, especially if they don't have children.

It does work both ways for men and women (though annoyingly I expect people somehow expect it to be easier for women than men, which I doubt) - a former colleague has a partner with 4 kids and she was quite ambivalent about children, although I have recently heard she is expecting her first with him.

People say 'taking on' in regards to responsibility all the time. Common phrase used in all spheres of life.

That's what it means here. It's not implying anything negative, it's fact.

I couldn’t be a step parent. I was a different male mum of two for a few years, but I wouldn’t date a man with kids... I know I wouldn’t be a good step parent, and so I would never put myself in that position.

I have a long term partner now who lives with me, and while I do expect him to embrace my children, I do feel like he has the harder end of the deal in this relationship. He loves them though.. and that in turn makes me love him more.

It’s a clumsy phrase, but he has ‘taken them on’, he has embraced the role 100% but I appreciate it must be so frustrating at times. My kids frustrate me and I have a biological bond with them. I honestly don’t know how he does it but I am grateful he does.

I agree, they are taking on your children that are not theirs, however number it is! They should be prepared for that, if they are not, than they are not the right person.

I have come from a very similar place to you, I left my XH due to domestic abuse, with three small children. We worked very hard to be a happy and successful family of 4. When I later met my now DH, I felt that we 'let him in' to our lives and family and 'took him on.' That's not to say he has taken on a massive responsibility, financially, emotionally, physically, mentally etc. But so have we really. Personally my income reduced by loss of tax credits etc (I've always worked). Although our household income has gone up, it's not MY money any more, it's ours. He would agree that he has got a very good deal! Luckily this time around, I found a real man who loves us all, properly and kindly. I'm so grateful I met him when I knew I could live without him, although now I would never choose to. And he says we gave him all he ever wanted. We've since gone onto have a baby together and he is an amazing and fair dad and stepdad.

But children are a burden, in the sense that they entail a lot of hard work and responsibility. Especially 4 of them.

Of course, they also bring many wonderful blessings and benefits. And of course, as their parents, we think the benefits far outweigh the burdens. Because we love them.

But you can't expect people who are not their parents and don't yet love them, i.e. people you may be dating, to see it that way. Hopefully if the relationship develops and they grow to love your kids, they will also see them as a blessing not a burden. But at the outset they will be "taking on" a burden, in the hope that it turns into a blessing, iyswim.

There are a lot of worse phrases that could be used. I don’t see this as bad at all as it’s essentially what they are doing.

Going from just themselves to having step kids.

I would not do it. I have 2 step kids , 4 would be hard work.
Then there is the implications of having his own kids. 5 kids is too many for me personally but even if it isn’t for you it still has implications.

I understand OP. The first Christmas that I was with my second husband, his aunt announced at a family gathering that I was 'lucky that he had taken me on with two kids like that.' Up until then I felt like an equal partner in a marriage but that made me feel like as if he was doing this out of charity.

I wonder, OP, if some of your feelings are rooted right back to when you had your children. Did people make rude comments then about ‘another one!’. You mentioned DV, I wonder if the conceptions were deliberate / consensual.

If you have spent a long time being made to feel that you have to explain / excuse / defend the existence of some or all of your children then this kind of terminology is bound to be upsetting.

I’m sorry if my post is totally out of line

No way would I raise another woman's 4 kids.
No man could glorify it.
It is a lot to ask.

Others will rise to the challenge, of course.
Not for me, though.

Agree about taking a look at the step parenting board. Some of the bile unnecessarily directed at step mothers and the drama that ex's bring is ridiculous. My partner has a son, I have two girls, we have one together.... I wouldn't do it again and if we split I would never date someone with a child.

It does take an exceptional human to step parent, especially with four. I understand your defensiveness about it though.

Being a step parent sounds like really really hard work.

Being blamed for the parents not being together even if was nothing to do with you. Having to walk the line of treating the children as you would your own without ever overstepping and acting like their parent. Having the fact that you are not the parent undermine your position in the household.

I agree that it's not fair to talk about 'taking on the children' because that puts unfair blame on the kids, but I think it is true that many people are not up for being a step parent (and that's ok), and the larger the family the more that is going to be an issue.

OP, I'm with you and I think it is really important to see it this way.

Of course it is different than being with someone with no kids, that's obvious. I really hate the snivelling and grovelling required by a certain type of man who wants a chocolate watch for 'taking on' someone else's kids. I get that blended families can be hard, in honesty I'm not sure its something I'd be up for or up to myself, but I think anyone who chooses to go into it has to do it with exactly the attitude you have described rather than expecting to be treated like a saint. The best step parents I know, just like the best parents I know, are the ones who take responsibility without seeking glory and focus on the kids needs and wants whilst taking responsibility for fulfilling their own.

Four is a lot. I’m afraid that’s the first thought I have. A lot to take on

But don’t feel bad, try to think of it if it were the opposite way round. You single, him with four children

I don’t think you need to feel eternally grateful but then I don’t think he should as you’ve stated either

I'm sorry but any pp who says a step parent doesn't have financial responsibility as well is talking in cloud cuckoo land.
Of course they do... the minute they move in they have a responsibility either by sharing their finances with the resident parent e.g. in my case I work full time and support my partner and his two children. He works part time. Therefore as they live with us full time 24/7 I have a responsibility to ensure bills are paid, food is on the table and clothes, activities and toys etc are supplied.
At the same time a person who moved in with the nrp will be contributing towards substantial child maintenance payments as is right, whilst running a house that fits all the children to visit, so perhaps larger costs and rents to accommodate this.
Seriously look at the Step Parenting board.
It's not just loving a child but the absolute mine field of helping to raise children but not over stepping the mark, giving without thanks and trying your best for children that aren't yours and you don't have any rights over or say in how they 're raised.
I love my dp, he's worth it all and I love his children even though they are so hard at times to care for (one is profoundly disabled).
I would always say a single person (from my experience) should have a very long hard think about it before "taking on" children.

I remember when I got with dh, his SIL told him he was "brave"
I had 3 older teen boys who were all
Working or at college, a five year old girl who is raised alone since birth, my own lovely home and a really good job.
Very bloody rude in my opinion especially as she had two kids and gave up a good job leaving dh brother struggling and depressed on one wage.

When I left my XH I just wanted to date for a little while and have some fun since I’d only ever been with one man from the age of sixteen. I certainly had no plan to have them be a part of my three DC’s life in any way, shape or form. Yet as soon as a couple of them discovered that I did have children, they ran for the hills. I found it really frustrating because I really didn’t want them in my DC’s life at all, I just wanted to have fun . So not all single parents are seeking step-parent material and it’s quite egotistical of the other person to presume so.

Quibbling about whether it's 'taking on 4 DC' or 'accepting them into his life' or 'having a readymade family' is missing the point OP.

You need to get into the RW about this situation and see things realistically from that man's perspective. You may think your DC are great, but you would wouldnt you.

He will undoubtedly be making huge emotional and potentially financial sacrifices, 4DC come with a lot of history and day to day activity that he won't be immune from unless, like a pp quite rightly pointed out he decides to stay in his own home and only sees you on dates not live in.