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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

423 replies

FatTory · 27/07/2018 16:13

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 27/07/2018 19:00

Yabu for assuming that everyone else's relatives are as reasonable as yours. Visiting for 30 minutes is the action of a considerate person. Some expect to be waited on and stay overnight etc

niketrainersarecomfy · 27/07/2018 19:01

YABU.
Its up to the mother when she feels ready. Imo mum and baby are one package until about 3mths old. Newborns are babies for a long time

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2018 19:03

Yes I totally agree Maelstrop. I was going to say the same thing!

My fil didn’t meet dd until she was a couple of months old. He lives abroad and likes the idea of being a gf but is absolutely clueless. He expects to be waited on hand and foot. I was ill before my pregnancy and after giving birth, which has turned into chronic illness and pain. Be blowed if he was coming sooner just to satisfy your lack of understanding for how difficult my life is.

BroomstickOfLove · 27/07/2018 19:03

I really didn't want to be doing my first post-childbirth poos in a tiny house with only one bathroom, full of other people who I generally only see a couple of times a year and without enough comfy seats to go round.

BunsOfAnarchy · 27/07/2018 19:05

On the fence. I found life incredibly difficult in the first 3 days after giving birth - anaemia, stitches, silly amount of drugs that were never needed and a baby who wanted to stay on the boob no less than 2 hours at a time with only a 5 min break in between (later found out she had a tongue tie and poor thing couldn't actually suck properly)
I really didnt want visitors but still accepted them and in the end was grateful.
In hindsight only people i didnt want coming were those i simply didnt like (a few people who couldnt have given leas of a shit during pregnancy etc). I just became complacent with those i didnt like. Soon as baby cried we were upstairs feeding.

Personally i now wouldn't refuse anyone if i were to have another. I can always escape into my room with my baby when she needs a feed. Plus visitors mean u can go to the loo and have a stretch and a cup of tea!

MissContrary · 27/07/2018 19:09

Generally speaking I don't understand it either.

If you've had a rough birth it is of course understandable.

If you've had a good birth and all is well/not in pain etc etc I can understand wanting 2/3 days to yourselves (although personally I was never bothered). A week just seems unnecessarily controlling.

VillageFete · 27/07/2018 19:10

Fucking hell, some people are nuts on here!!!! I know for a fact it would break my mum and MIL’s heart if they weren’t allowed a quick visit with their very much loved Grandchild. I completely understand and appreciate that it would have to be convenient for the woman who had just given birth for the child, but fuck me, you’re just awkward if you can’t find a convenient half an hour in the first week of the child’s life. I say this as someone who had an incredibly difficult birth that almost left me infertile. I had severe PND and was a mess, yet I still found a convenient few hours for close family, who me and DP loved, to visit and meet a baby they they loved.

likeacrow · 27/07/2018 19:11

Just like to add that none of my family or DH's family are overbearing arseholes. Which is why they respected our wishes and didn't visit til a couple of weeks down the line.

They all see plenty of DD now and have a great relationship with her. Having to wait a couple of weeks til I felt up to having visitors has made zero difference to that.

Good for you if you want your father in law or Great Aunt Ethel bringing flowers while you're in hospital with a gross leaking c section wound, horrendously sleep deprived and living in a Winnie The Pooh nightshirt, but it would have been my worst fucking nightmare.

When I got home I wanted time and space to breathe. Honestly, why anyone wouldn't understand that some women need this time without visitors is beyond me. Selfish as fuck.

BlueTears · 27/07/2018 19:11

Because I've just been through the trauma - yes it's definitely trauma - of giving birth and in hospital, I just want to relax and try to get to grips with my new baby and recovering.

For gods sake, It won't kill anyone to wait a day or two! 🙄

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/07/2018 19:17

fuck me, you’re just awkward if you can’t find a convenient half an hour in the first week of the child’s life.
Or maybe they're just different to you VillageFete. You seem to have some difficulty understanding that women who are different to you with different lives to yours have different needs post partum.

ProfessorMoody · 27/07/2018 19:23

Yeah I am nuts actually, VillageFete. As I already said, I have PTSD and also severe anxiety.

Thanks for being an ableist prick.

VillageFete · 27/07/2018 19:24

Dione Everyone is different, you can spout that on every single AIBU thread. This is being awkward in my view. The mother doesn’t have to be in the room, she can be resting in bed. I find it bizarre that close family, who you love, can’t have a brief visit with baby. It’s being awkward. I don’t know a single soul in real life who has ever implemented this.

MrSpock · 27/07/2018 19:25

The mother doesn’t have to be in the room, she can be resting in bed.

Lmao like I’m just going to let people walk off with my baby? Are you mad?

Ifeelshit · 27/07/2018 19:26

VillageFete but how quick of a visit would you deem "acceptable" if PIL and DM live 2+ hours away. Can't exactly say, 30minutes then go home. Also can't say, actually could you come later having a bit of trouble right now.

CandaceMariePratt · 27/07/2018 19:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

VillageFete · 27/07/2018 19:27

ProfessorMoody You’re preaching to the choir. You’d think I was making it up if I told you the shit i’ve been through and the lasting effects it’s had. Also suffered with PTSD, anxiety and depression. Still didn’t stop me letting close family meet my child. Each to their own, but I find it absolutely bonkers.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/07/2018 19:29

Tough. If a woman wants time to recover from birth she is entitled to it

This.

The reality is most new mothers and most new GPs are reasonable people who respect each other's needs. The posts here tend to come from the anxious or those who have had previous difficult experiences with family members (and its by no means always the iLs).

Ditto its entirely understandable if a new mother is more comfortable initially with her own parents especially if recovering with tubes in or trying to establish breastfeeding. Sometimes it goes the other way and the bond is with the MiL.

The point is there is no right or wrong and there is no "entitlement" to access a new baby. And most of the time that works fine, where it doesn't the threads appear here.

Ifeelshit · 27/07/2018 19:29

The mother doesn’t have to be in the room, she can be resting in bed except my mother cannot see a feeding cue to save her life and the baby wouldn't be brought to me until it was screaming. She wouldn't mean to deprive it of food, but just wouldn't know. I also couldn't relax elsewhere knowing that others may not be able to spot feeding cues due to their own exhilaration of holding new DGD.

augustboymummy17 · 27/07/2018 19:29

When I had my son my family were amazing bringing food helping with cleaning making sure I was ok giving me a hug when I felt rubbish

Oh family expected to be waited on expecting us to cook or take them out for a meal (£100 plus) when we had hardly any money, expecting to stay for a few days.

So I can see where people are coming from when they don't want certain guests.

Mehaveit · 27/07/2018 19:31

My DN was born 6 weeks ago and my DB hasn't let me near due to spurious reasons. DB who met his DN in the hospital and I only stayed in 36 hours...

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 27/07/2018 19:31

VillageFete your wholesale failure to understand the myriad reasons why not everyone welcomes guests as soon as they've had a baby - to the extent that you're swearing at and insulting them - is breathtaking.

I don’t know a single soul in real life who has ever implemented this

If you're this sensitive to other's people's lives in rl, maybe they did and you didn't notice.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/07/2018 19:32

Lmao like I’m just going to let people walk off with my baby? Are you mad?

Again, this is hugely variable. I was very unwell after one of mine and really couldn't face most visitors for several days but once I was home, DH taking him downstairs to see visitors was no problem.

These were not "people" they were family and friends.

By the same token none of them charged in and demanded to be waited on (quite the opposite). Which I think is the commoner experience.

MyBreadIsEggy · 27/07/2018 19:32

My parents came for evening visiting hours when dd was about 8 hrs old, and mum was in the house in anther room when DS was born in the living room.
Other than that, and DH’s dad coming about 3/4 days later we didn’t want visitors. DH’s grandma showed up on day 4 after DS was born, with her creepy partner and 2 friends I’d never met!! It was horrible. I spent most of the visit in my bedroom with my baby, crying, trying to learn to breastfeed while said visitors spent hours winding up my 17 month old.
Not an experience to be repeated.

VillageFete · 27/07/2018 19:32

Ifeelshit That would be up to the woman who had just given birth to decide. Maybe say something along the lines of “As you can appreciate, we are exhausted. I know you’re far away so it might be more hassle than it’s worth, but you can pop up for an hour, or leave it a few weeks and come up for a longer visit when we are in a better routine”

Mrspock No, but some people on this thread are. I’m sure the father would be present and would be more than capable of watching the baby for an hour, if close family popped in and the mum wasn’t up to facing them.

Lets get something straight. I am a mother, I know how shitty the first few weeks can be, but I think there’s very few excuses as to why loving Grandparents can’t pop in for half an hour in the first week of their Grandchild’s life. You’ll all change your tune when you are Grandparents.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/07/2018 19:32

You're assuming that the women refusing visitors have close family who they love who want to visit. Sometimes they have dysfunctional, overbearing, abusive families whose very presence would be detrimental to their mental health and recovery.