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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

423 replies

FatTory · 27/07/2018 16:13

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

OP posts:
HushabyeMountainGoat · 27/07/2018 22:00

As would I @SnuggyBuggy because being the mother of a son does not mean that you forget how to be a decent human being, and so I would not want to be held at arms length simply because i was a paternal rather than a maternal grandmother.

We also can be useful and loving and understanding. But i think some MILs don't get the chance. Clearly women want their own mums and that's how it should be, but making one side of the family feel second class is not the way to go about it either.

cadburyegg · 27/07/2018 22:00

I nearly forgot the worst visitor I had. My friend texted me asking if she could come over one day when I had DS1, I was knackered and DS1 had been screaming all day, so I said no. She came over anyway. When I didn't answer the door (DS was sleeping on me upstairs, as I wasn't expecting visitors) she shouted through the letterbox saying "I know you're there. Please answer the door!"

VillageFete · 27/07/2018 22:05

BetteDavis - you’re like a dog with a bone here aren’t you? Are you bored? I’m in no way backtracking. I find it fucking nuts that a woman who had a fairly standard birth would ban visitors (as i’ve said 100 times, I mean close family) for weeks at a time. My opinion is that it’s bizarre, and makes the mother look like she’s being awkward. Some people on here like to be awkward, they are quite precious and OTT, in my view. I’m never, ever going to agree with you on this. I appreciate there are certain circumstances whereby visits would not be appropriate, but they are few and far between.

Gigis · 27/07/2018 22:06

I had a relatively uncomplicated birth although did need forceps. I didn't want visitors other than my mum AT ALL for at least the first week because I was sore but also totally overwhelmed. I couldn't stop crying, I thought I'd made the worse mistake of my life and would have honestly smacked the next person who told me how lucky I was and how much I must love her and how everything was going to change now. Because I didn't feel lucky at all and I truly believed I hated her and I was so bloody miserable that everything was going to change. I didn't want visitors to see that side of me at all, thanks very much.

amoopoo · 27/07/2018 22:08

@VillageFete the only one sounding OTT here is you. Why do you have such a strong opinion on it? Sour grapes perhaps?

woodywoo2 · 27/07/2018 22:08

I was in so much pain I only saw immediate family and very close friends until about 10weeks pp. You can't assume everyone's well enough for visitors!!

Ifeelshit · 27/07/2018 22:08

HushabyeMountainGoat setting boundaries like that will only work if the family members will respect them. If they don't, then what? You're forced with either grinning and bearing it or having an argument.

People will often agree to anything to be allowed through the door but then won't follow through.

Flatearthersphere · 27/07/2018 22:09

@VillageFete how are you defining fairly standard? Sometimes the most normal birth can feel very traumatic to some women. What is fairly standard about having a melon sized human come out of your fanny? For some people it's a bloody shock and they don't want their auntie and Co round while they have a sore vaj. Who are you to decide what is fairly standard? Weirdo.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/07/2018 22:10

Surely any short term inconvenience will be worth a potentially fantastic relationship with wider family when time goes on?
But surely it's up to the visitors to accept this short term inconvenience and not the post partum mother whose body, hormones and mental health are impacted?

Flatearthersphere · 27/07/2018 22:11

Sounds like @VillageFete is bitter for some reason. I didn't really even feel like visitors after I had my coil put in. I wanted a hot water bottle and wine.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 27/07/2018 22:11

But gigis that is a complicated birth, even though it wasn't physically traumatic. People aren't suggesting that if you or your baby are unwell that you should be painting a smile on.

Flatearthersphere · 27/07/2018 22:12

Again, who are we to judge what is complicated or not? I'm guessing as long as the Labour wasn't too long and the birth was natural you're expecting the mums to just welcome visitors?

Gigis · 27/07/2018 22:15

Well then I guess the problem here is what defines complicated? I don't think my birth was complicated, and surely the only opinion on whether it was or not is mine? I wasn't traumatised by it or dwelled on it. And i don't think I was in any serious significant pain afterwards other than soreness. I was up and moving, making tea etc.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 27/07/2018 22:15

BetteDavis - you’re like a dog with a bone here aren’t you? Are you bored?

No. I'm on MN. A forum that encourages debate and a back-and-forth discussion. You've been (and continue to be) offensive about new mothers and their choices. You sworn at/about them fairly frequently - 'fucking nuts' is an awesome term to use when talking about possibly vulnerable new mothers - and you've called them names.

Are you really so amazed to be called out on it?

gluteustothemaximus · 27/07/2018 22:16

Again, who are we to judge what is complicated or not?

Exactly. It's like it's weird to not want visitors, but if we have a 'good' reason, that's allowed.

Oh, thank you so much! For accepting my reasons for what I want to do in my own house with my own newborn Hmm

HushabyeMountainGoat · 27/07/2018 22:18

But @DioneTheDiabolist for most new mothers a couple of short visits is generally going to have little to no impact surely? You can bugger off for a bath or a sleep if you need to! Even if you say, right come once, then give us our space.

Imagine being a new grandparent, people asking you how the baby is, what they're like and having to reply 'i don't know, i'm not allowed to see him/her.'

Flatearthersphere · 27/07/2018 22:19

Honestly this is infuriating.

Erm, imagine being a mum and someone saying "have you had some sleep?" "no because my family won't stop piling in"

amoopoo · 27/07/2018 22:22

I think the main thing that's wrong with this thread is the air of superiority from posters who "couldn't wait to show off their baby" "why wouldn't you want to" "even relatives I don't like were welcome".

It's basically a way of saying if you don't feel like this, there's something wrong with you. You're awkward, you're controlling etc etc. Which is total, utter bollocks.

You do you. If you want visitors, no matter what type of birth you had- great. If you don't want visitors for whatever reason- also great. There's no right or wrong.

Everyone else can fuck off with their opinions frankly. The only people that matter are Mum and baby.

Sparklesocks · 27/07/2018 22:23

One of my best friends had her baby recently. She had a really traumatic birth, needed two blood transfusions and tore very badly.

She was in constant pain as well as getting to grips with being a first time mum. I gave her a few weeks before I dropped by which she appreciated, she needed time to heal and I don’t think a constant parade or visitors would’ve helped.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 27/07/2018 22:23

Do you know who helped me and my DH get some much needed sleep in those very early weeks?

Oh yes. Our parents.

BakedBeans47 · 27/07/2018 22:24

Each to their own but I’d have been bored fucking shitless holed up with just my husband and the baby for company. I was happy enough to receive visitors.

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/07/2018 22:25

For most new mothers, this isn't an issue at all. For some though it is an issue and for whatever reason they don't want people visiting.

No grandparent has to say 'i don't know, i'm not allowed to see him/her.' They can say the baby/mother are fine and give the details they know like weight and sex.

amoopoo · 27/07/2018 22:25

Imagine being a new grandparent, people asking you how the baby is, what they're like and having to reply 'i don't know, i'm not allowed to see him/her.

I give up Hmm

Gigis · 27/07/2018 22:27

@hushabye good for you, glad you had a supportive family. Not everyone is in the same position. Some parents just want to do the 'nice' bits but the second the baby cries or needs a change or feed it's back to the mum. That's not helpful. And in those situations it may be that what is helpful for the mum if she's going to have to do the crappy jobs anyway, is not also having to entertain or worry that the house is a mess or if there's milk in the fridge for tea

IceCreamFace · 27/07/2018 22:30

VillageFete

You sound quite unpleasant and unable to appreciate that other people might be different to you and determined to look down on those differences. They might find the shock of motherhood more daunting, that might have more fraught relationships with their immediate family, they might be private people or introverts who find it stressful to have people in their home, they might be less assertive than you and have family who will try to give the baby a bottle/kiss it on the lips with a raging colds/turn up as they're recovering from a horrible D&V.

I actually had family to see both of mine while I was still in hospital but it's not that difficult to understand that other people are different and want different things for all kinds of reason, why the need to call them "bizarre" and "awkward".