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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

423 replies

FatTory · 27/07/2018 16:13

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 27/07/2018 21:08

I didnt mind visitors in hospital,aat least i could tell them to go.

Im going to be a granny in about 6 weeks,i cant wait.But no way will i be in annoying them all the time.[They live wiht me]

They will have plenty of space and i will respect their wishes.

WeaselsRising · 27/07/2018 21:09

My PFB is 32 but I still remember her first week clearly. I had to stay in hospital for 5 days.

Obviously PIL came in to see the baby the day she was born. Twice. Next day MIL came in again with her sister. Back again with FIL in the evening. Day 3 MIL back again with her DM, her sister and her sister's miserable teenage DD. Evening back in with FIL. Day 4 MIL back with her friend Shock. No thought that I might like to spend some time with other people/ DH/ on my own with my baby, and unfortunately MIL has zero conversation, so the visits were very strained.

It got worse. Came out of hospital in the morning. My DPs took DH out for lunch and left me to sleep. Phone rings. MIL. How did we spell her name?. 6pm PIL turn up on the doorstep again and sit there until 11pm!!! All MIL wanted to do was sit and hold the baby. DH spent all evening making tea. MIL would not give me back the baby when she started crying, trying to rock her up and down instead, so I leaked milk down my shirt.

I had a DH problem, in that he wouldn't tell them to go, but the woman had 3 DC of her own and another 3 GDC; you'd think she would have remembered?

DC2 was even worse. I came home to a house full of visitors and not one of them would get up and let me sit down, despite my asking.

I had DC5 in my 40s and we made damn sure we had zero visitors for over a week, as I'd grown a backbone. It was lovely.

My DIL is expecting her first in a couple of months. I have told both her and DS that they can decide what they want to do and tell me straight. If they want me there I will be there but if they don't I will fully understand. I prefer straight talking to everyone trying to be polite but steaming inside. Obviously she will want her mother and I don't have an issue with that. I'm excited about having a grandchild but that doesn't give me carte blanche to act like my MIL did to me.

DwangelaForever · 27/07/2018 21:13

If that's your opinion then fine but after my birth I was so fucking traumatised I couldn't string a sentence together, couldn't lie in bed without having panic attacks of hearing a baby cry constantly (was stuck in my head from being on the wards) and was just constantly reliving my labour over and over in my head.

*So sorry if I didn't appreciate any visitors who thought that MY baby was all about THEM.
*
I've already told my husband and my Mum that I don't want visitors in hospital this time and maybe for a few days - I will see how I am after my birth this time - I'm hoping to have a planned section so will maybe be in a better place mentally.

But how dare anyone judge and think any other woman was up themselves because they wanted time to themselves with their newborns. Biscuit

Ifeelshit · 27/07/2018 21:14

And all I wanted to do was cry. My mother (who people would assume would come under "loving and close") told me to buck my ideas up, baby was fine and that's all that mattered.

DwangelaForever · 27/07/2018 21:15

Also the first time I got out of bed after my first section my FIL and BIL were there to witness a pool of blood go everywhere. It was like a scene from Carrie. I'd rather not have a repeat of that this time!

WeaselsRising · 27/07/2018 21:21

This is also a TAAT so should have been reported.

gluteustothemaximus · 27/07/2018 21:22

Neither is wrong. Neither is weird.

We are all different, and all have different families/situations/feelings.

What is wrong/weird is thinking that your way is the only way, and that anyone who doesn't agree is being precious with their newborn Hmm

CarlyJayne1987 · 27/07/2018 21:24

Im pregnant and requested to my partner once I have given birth, no-one is to come i until I am ready. either family.

Might mean im ready instantly or might meant i need more time (hour or two - not days!)- but the boundary is there -both sides of the family are lovely lovely people.

Only person who can let themself into the house too is my mother, who has a key and will always be allowed to just wander in, whenver she chooses - but thats the relationship we have!! I suppose it depends on that! Shes incredibly helpful though, washes dishes, makes tea, hoovers etc. Thats welcome lol!

Each to their own!! I dont think anyone is "wrong" how they deal with things - its what is right for them at the time :)

HushabyeMountainGoat · 27/07/2018 21:26

Honestly, i think this is one of those things where Mumsnet gives a skewed view of what life is like. Most people are very happy to show off their baby, and most visitors don't overstay their welcome and while not perfect are generally respectful.

BroomstickOfLove · 27/07/2018 21:28

A "quick visit" is fine, but there's no way I would expect my parents to fly to the UK and book a hotelfor a couple of quick half hour visits. Far better to wait until I was recovered and confident enough to actually spend time with them and was able to put them up in my house, which took about a week.

ProperLavs · 27/07/2018 21:29

I loved having visitors with all of mine, I hated being alone.
When my youngest was born at home in my bedroom I was lying with him on the flor having just given birth. My mil, who lived with us came into the room. She just wanted to see that we were OK. I thought it was sweet. She still had it in her mind that birth was very perilous.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 27/07/2018 21:29

@CarlyJayne1987 i hope that if you have a son and your relationship with him is fantastic, you will be just as understanding when your future daughter in law won't let you see your son's baby, while her mum is there as much as she likes.

Not that i'm a sensitive mother of young boys or anything ...!

VillageFete · 27/07/2018 21:34

SheGotBetteDaviesEyes Well that would mean I got through my high risk pregnancy and had managed to birth a healthy son, so
I’d be thrilled! I already have a daughter, doubtful a son in law would start such a thread Smile

If what you are trying to say is that I agree with people insisting on visiting a new baby... When did I ever once mention that? I don’t agree with it. At all. My personal belief is that it’s rather awkward (in most circumstances) Of the mum to not allow close family visitors (ie - Grandparents) for weeks.

dustarr73 · 27/07/2018 21:35

@HushabyeMountainGoat i feel the same ,i have all boys and i hope the dil who lives wiht me will let me help

Flatearthersphere · 27/07/2018 21:43

Oh fuck off. I don't need to explain myself to my family or to you but I will.

First birth was traumatic, my induction took 3 days and I didn't sleep for that whole time.i didn't feel "grotty" I felt fucking dead.

My next 2 were premature and aside from parents and our dc1 I didn't see why they should be exposed to tons of germs. So made others wait 2 weeks. And I also still tell family they can't come round at nap times, I am not paying the price for people making my children overtired.

LeighaJ · 27/07/2018 21:46

"allertse

Noone ever posts saying "my family are lovely, helpful, and only want to pop in for half an hour but I don't want them to""

Yeah, that.

But wanting to establish bonding and breastfeeding and introversion are also good reasons no matter how lovely your family is.

LeighaJ · 27/07/2018 21:52

Tbf though the OP did say:

"but serious complications aside"

So laying into the OP about issues with traumatic births, c-section recovery, almost losing babies, and premature babies isn't necessary. She meant in cases of a normal delivery...without complications...

SnuggyBuggy · 27/07/2018 21:53

If I ever have a son and his partner has a baby I hope I would remember what it was like to give birth and put my DILs needs above my own.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 27/07/2018 21:53

That's true but if you set clear boundaries and say, you can come from this time to that time and you can make your own tea, then i don't see how an hour here or there will affect bonding or breastfeeding?

Surely any short term inconvenience will be worth a potentially fantastic relationship with wider family when time goes on?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 27/07/2018 21:54

Village you're backtracking a bit now, but your comments about 'nuts', 'awkward' etc. etc. new mothers really rather speak for themselves.

Why do you think posters have challenged you about them? Unfortunate misunderstanding? Confused

DwangelaForever · 27/07/2018 21:54

@Flatearthersphere I was the exact same I was in hospital for 2 and a half days before my emcs and didn't have any sleep, slept for about half an hour on the noisy ward and was in hospital a total of 5 days!

Also agree with you about nap times. A friend of mine with a son who's 10 months older than my daughter fell out with me because she called round to my new house unexpectedly at my daughters bedtime (with her son in tow) and I refused to make her a cuppa and sit and chat, it was bloody mid week too so I had work to go to the next day so trying to get my groggy toddler off to sleep cause she stayed up later wasn't an option

amoopoo · 27/07/2018 21:55

But why should it take for serious complications for it to be "acceptable"?

It could be the most straight forward, unmedicated birth with a happy, healthy mum and baby and if the Mum didn't want visitors for a while why would she be unreasonable?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/07/2018 21:55

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs

How nice for you.

Some people 'ban' visitors because they are unfortunate enough to have family who would think nothing of pitching up uninvited, staying for hours on end expecting to be waited on and hand and foot and making comments that an exhausted, bleeding and hormonal new mum might find upsetting.

Just because you're lucky enough to have family who are kind, helpful and considerate, doesn't mean everyone is in the same boat.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 21:56

Of course Snuggy but that doesn't mean you wouldn't want to see your new grandchild as soon as you could, does it?

It's all about being considerate surely? Not over staying your welcome, not taking over, being useful and thoughtful. Do all of those things and you're likely to be asked to come to see the baby soon after its born.

Flatearthersphere · 27/07/2018 21:58

Maybe if visitors didn't feel the need to pass babies round and hold them every visit mums woulsnt feel all defensive and territorial. Or perhaps it's just for.... Bonding.