AIBU to not understand the new trend of no one visiting newborns?

[FatTory]

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

My friends and family were invaluable after I gave birth, holding DD’s so I could shower/eat/stretch my legs. I breastfed both of them and them holding the baby never impacted on my ability to feed or bond with my daughters.

Even relatives I don’t particularly like or get on with were welcome to come and see the new addition to our family.

As the title says really. I read many posts on here about people not wanting visitors for the first few days/week after having a baby. I don’t understand this at all. Why wouldn’t you want your family and friends to meet your new baby? Yes, I understand women often feel grotty after giving birth but serious complications aside, does it really matter for half an hour?

DH’s parents refused to visit unless they could stay with us. They aren’t helpful in any way shape or form. They sit around and expect to be waited on. No way was I dealing with that shit when I had a baby struggling to feed and dealing with stitches and PUPPS.

You’ll all change your tune when you are Grandparents
Only if becoming a grandmother coincides with the surgical removal of my knowledge and empathy.

People who have respectful, low maintenance family members who will come for half an hour and then leave don't tend to be the ones stressing about visitors.

It’s different for everyone. Most people who are home by day 2-3 will have respectful families over before day 7, for short visits. If you’re in hospital until day 7, you might not want visitors until day 10 at least.

I don’t think people realise how awful the whole thing can be Tbh! Or they have forgotten. When DS1 was born I’d lost a lot of blood, pushed for 5 hours, had a broken down episiotomy, no sleep for 3 days. The midwife came on day 3 and I nearly passed out getting off the sofa. DS2’s birth was much better, but my ILs visited on day 3 or 4. I was feeding him, my DH was paying attention to DS1 who was obviously adapting to not being an only child. MIL made a sarcastic comment about how DH hadn’t yet made the tea, and then asked me if DS2 was sleeping through yet.

When there are older siblings involved it’s also important to respect that they are going through a huge transition and loads of visitors traipsing through a previously quiet house and making a fuss of a new baby whilst completely ignoring the older child can cause HUGE issues and resentment that can last a very long time. I was always careful to ask before the visit if the visitors could make a fuss of DS1 first. After all, the baby doesn’t care.

It’s all very well to say “oh half an hour is fine” but if you have a huge/blended family then half an hour per grandparent/auntie/uncle etc turns into having visitors all day.

As for “when I’m a grandparent” well as I have two boys, neither of them are likely to be giving birth so it will be their partners. Their partners may well want their mums to visit first and help, etc which is completely understandable. I won’t be “coming to visit the baby” anyway. I will be bringing a hot dinner for them and asking what I can do to help.

Once again, here I go explaining myself... I have said on multiple conversations on here I am talking about CLOSE, LOVING family members, such as Grandparents. How on earth is allowing them a brief visit in the first week of a baby’s life putting their feelings before the Mother’s?? I’m sure the vast majority of Mother’s would find this completely acceptable. Those Mother’s that don’t, come across as awkward.

I’ve been in this boat and am pregnant with number 2. There was a day I said no visits in hospital due to the birth from hell and feeling exhausted, but the next day when I felt a little bit better, I was happy for inlaws to pop in to meet their much loved Grandchild. I would NEVER deny them them that. I knew they’d love to see their newborn Grandaughter. No one passed her from pillow to post, and visiting hours were only for an hour. It was as win/win for us all.

This is truly boring me now, i’m hormonal and a high risk pregnancy. I don’t have the energy to explain my feelings any more. I’l leave it at that.

VillageFete

But Village, what you are saying is totally unreasonable. However CLOSE and LOVING someone deems themselves to be, insisting on visiting a woman who has just given birth who doesn't want you to visit, completely belies that. A genuinely LOVING family member would respect the mother's needs.

Fair do’s... so the Mother’s on here who want zero visitors for x weeks may not have close, loving people around them. And who said anything about insisting?! I am talking about it being the Mother’s choice. No one has the right to insist anything.

Once again, here I go explaining myself..

And people have explained why your theory of how everyone should Do It Your Way doesn't work for everyone. You don't seem to be taking that on board?

How on earth is allowing them a brief visit in the first week of a baby’s life putting their feelings before the Mother’s??

If she doesn't want them there, it is.

This is truly boring me now

Swearing about people and calling them nuts? Or people replying to your rather narrow POV? You've been fairly offensive upthread - it follows that people will comment on that.

Personal choice! It's allowed

VillageFete

Your tone is insistent. You seem to believe, honestly, that the mother isn't entitled to say no, she doesn't want visitors. That's an obvious nonsense, but it is a shame that anyone would think that.

Not everyone has a close loving family, even if their relatives would consider themselves in this category. In fact we have this situation with dh and his mother and grandmother, they were always a close loving family until dh moved out and married. Dh describes it more as simply all being confined in the same space and thay there was very little loving going on. They have always had massive problems with boundaries, dh has a very big back story with his mother (money being stolen, essentially neglect) before I was in the picture. When you're both exhausted, we both got more sleep after our children were born than the last few weeks I was pregnant, dealing with the emotional fall out from c section/birth, you really are in no position to police boundaries.

We didn't ban visitors the first time around but I wish we had. We were under so much presure to arrange visits before dd was even here. No amount of saying we wanted to wait and see could put some people off. So we ended up both feeling awful while people sat and talked at us holding out sleeping baby when we both could have been napping! (Leaving them with baby not an opption as it would have been seen as rude and safety would have been highly questionable.) Second time we agreed on no visits until we were both discharged by the midwife, although we said no visits a quick peek at the baby/hold was promised to mil and fil as soon as I was up to it in the first few days. Which happened to be just over 24 hours later. It was very quick as I was falling asleep after a few hours of ds being unsettled and having just stopped feeding. My dad had brought them and ushered them out to the car after each of them had had a quick hold.

Also a lot of 'just half an hour' can add up massively. Some people could have four sets of grandparents, several siblings and their partners maybe their children too, then aunts and uncles, maybe cousins too, who could all be close loving family. My dad is one of 7, a couple of his siblings have married more than twice but their first partners are still aunts/uncles. I have so many cousins who would always be excited about a new family memebr. Dh has 18 great aunts and uncles and divorced grandparents. That's a lot of visits to fit into the first few days or weeks even if everyone is considerate stays for a quick cuddle and brings food and makes a cuppa. Then add in the friends you really want to see too. Sometimes it would be impossible so a blanket policy of no visitors is simply practical until parents and baby are up for more.

When have I said everyone should do it my way? Why are you making assumptions and putting words in my mouth? And as for me thinking the woman can’t say no, well she clearly can (And does by the looks of it on here) But I find that rather awkward, that she would say no to all visitors for x amount of weeks after giving birth. She is perfectly entitled to do say, but where I come from it’s bloody odd, isolating and not the norm. Each to their own though. I’d feel sorry for any Mother that didn’t feel she had someone close and loving in her life who could pop in for a quick visit on a day that was convenient for her.

And it’s clear that i’m not talking about all and sundry, i’m talking more about Grandparents. I can understand people not wanting Auntie Ann and her dog calling in, but what about Grandparents? Seriously? I find it so cold to tell them not to visit for weeks. It just seems wrong.

I always had visitors straight away in fact it was always my in-laws that dropped off and picked up from each birth. Then visitors straightaway.
I don't get the controlling, weird thing of no visitors.

I was at my grandson's birth as was my other daughter.

Ryanair reading the thread SugarIsAmazing. There are plenty of good reasons for not having visitors that are not at all controlling and weird. Indeed I think insistence that anyone has to allow visitors as controlling and weird.

fuck me, you’re just awkward if you can’t find a convenient half an hour in the first week of the child’s life

I think there’s very few excuses as to why loving Grandparents can’t pop in for half an hour in the first week of their Grandchild’s life. You’ll all change your tune when you are Grandparents

Everyone is different, you can spout that on every single AIBU thread. This is being awkward in my view

It’s being awkward. I don’t know a single soul in real life who has ever implemented this

it’s bloody odd, isolating and not the norm

These are a few of your words from upthread.

Despite a number of people telling you various reasons why you are not right in your assumption that new mothers are just 'being awkward' you just don't seem able to really grasp that.

It's just normal, bog standard tolerance of differences.

Incidentally, I did have visitors. The very next day. I just get why some people wouldn't want them.

I stand by what i’ve said. That’s all I have to say on the matter.

I'm must be a real cow... banning all visitors for a couple of weeks this time.

The time frame thing for me is just to make it perfectly clear there's no point in badgering us until then because it will just be a no from us, so pointless them asking. This is including my parents and DH's parents- we are both 100% in agreement.

In all honesty after the way everyone behaved last time with my poorly newborn who had life saving surgery at a couple of weeks old, I couldn't give a flying fuck how they feel this time.

My feelings weren't considered at all. I won't mention who but some relatives were genuinely frustrated that we'd been blue lighted back to hospital and not because they were worried because they were expecting to see us that evening. I still haven't forgiven them.

But sometimes grandparents are a problem.

My mum was insistent she visited as soon as I told her we'd had him, despite the fact she'd have to bring the dog and my niece. The fog barked, my niece wanted DH to play video games with her and my mum just wanted to sit and hold the baby. I was left managing my niece, DH was wrestling the dog in to the garden and the whole thing was a shambles.

I'm currently spending my second night in the maternity ward after DS2 was borb yesterday, and certainly don't want visitors. A huge issue for me is visitors coming amd taking photos for bloody Facebook - that's all visitors seem to want, the social media bragging rights. Very frustrating.

The lady opposite me had around 5 people in earlier though,and more visitors this evening. It's personal preference.

Personally I would have loved to have visitors. Especially my parents. Unfortunately I was living on an army base abroad and had to wait two weeks before I saw anyone. I'd love to have had the choice. Each to their own though.

If MN survives another few years, my money's on someone starting a 'MiL insisting on visiting new baby - AIBU?' thread about you in years to come, Village...

Don't get it either. My son phoned me (Well his mum really) an hour or so after my first grandchild was born (it should have been me since I drove them to the hospital earlier in the day but ).

We were there within an hour closely followed by DILs parents and brother and all had a good time meeting our grandchild.

Fast forward to 10 weeks and my wife and my DIL's mum have been for solo walks many times. Next week as I'm on annual leave I'll be taking him in to my work (Son worked with me so most ppl know him and are wanting to meet his son).

Oh and guess what?

They want us to have him overnight before he's 4 months old!!

It's good to be a grandparent.