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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 27/07/2018 08:45

Don't sneer at the "half a year" thing. For one thing, it's accurate. For another, she already said in the opening post that the baby is 6 months old, so if people keep asking how old the baby is perhaps they need it explained in another way :P

She has also explained that the baby has sensitive skin so the doctor has advised it is not bathed often.

As a mother of sons, a MIL and a GM I don't feel terror reading threads like this. I never wanted to leave my babies overnight when they were that small so I can totally understand DIL feeling the same way. I don't take it as a slight, given that clearly none is intended. If I kept insisting, though, I can see them getting a bit off with me; they would have every bloody right to.

Of course it's always possible that one of my sons will eventually marry a woman who takes an irrational dislike to me and won't let me near her baby. That would indeed be upsetting, although I'd do my best to overcome her objections (by being nice, not steamrollering her wishes!) and hope my son would advocate for me. However, the OP's dislike in this thread doesn't seem all that irrational, to be frank.

Melanippe · 27/07/2018 08:46

Trust your gut OP, I didn't and it hasn't ended well at all. The list of her behaviour you've given makes it sound like your MiL hasn't quite cut the apron strings with her DS and is trying to use your DC as a substitute. I suspect that her looking after your child full time would just solidify this belief for her.

You are not wrong to have boundaries in behaviour, you are not wrong in being rigid with them. If kissing on the mouth is a line you have drawn, she should respect that, even if she doesn't like it. What it sounds like is that you have felt you need to hunker down and refuse all overtures from her because she has overstepped boundaries so many times before. Almost as if you feel under siege a bit?

I think if you are going to be able to let your DC have a meaningful relationship with your MiL, then your DH is going to have to be the one to lay down ground rules and be the one who sorts out oversteps from his mother when she pushes her luck.

YANBU here

ElevenSmiles · 27/07/2018 08:46

You have the son, got the kid, get rid of the ILs jackpot, you sound lovely OP good luck to your kid he'll need it.

Nesssie · 27/07/2018 08:48

Interesting how a woman capable of raising a man good enough for you to fall in love and have a child with, suddenly isn’t good enough to look after their grandson... Hmm

But your parents can...
Maybe she’s asking so much because she desperately wants a relationship with her grandson and is upset that you don’t think she is good enough?

Just read a thread complaining about a grandparent that doesn’t take any interest on their grandchild. And yet yours clearly has 2 sets that love him..

Melanippe · 27/07/2018 08:48

Oh, and I'm a mother of sons as well, and haven't gone barging in to their married lives like a bull at a gate, hence having zero fear about them

Laiste · 27/07/2018 08:49

My own MIL is a lovely woman who willingly does so much for SIL when it comes to child care. However MIL happily tells me all about how she totally ignores her own daughters strong preferences for what's in the DCs diet. Same goes for bed times, screen time, ect. MIL just tells SIL what she wants to hear. I know my mum would do exactly the same.

Most days there is a thread here about trouble between mothers and the MIL or the DM who does the free child care. I wouldn't go there.

timeisnotaline · 27/07/2018 08:50

Every 2 days is often for a baby! I just gave my ds his first proper bath at 7 weeks :).
Personally with grandchildren I will remember that I didn’t want to leave them at that age and missed having them in my arms when i did. I will also remember that it’s a different story once they are 1 or 2 and it’s still a delightful age especially if you are only babysitting sometimes as opposed to parenting 24/7. And hope I’m young enough to offer!

ConciseandNice · 27/07/2018 08:52

You’ve been a mother for 6 months. She’s been one for decades and if your husband is a decent human then she hasn’t done too bad a job. Give her a break. Maybe she’s this overbearing because you are totally inflexible and not allowing her to see her grandchild. Listen to yourself.

Unicornmammy · 27/07/2018 08:52

One for the OPs side here....your baby your choice. To offer once is fair enough but this expectation and badgering to be having your child when you have said no... this screams an issue with boundaries. Mil is blatantly ignoring your wishes at this stage...whats to say she will respect your wishes if she was to take care of YOUR child. Stick to your guns and do whats best for you. Visiting gps once a week is plenty

NotAnotherHeffalump · 27/07/2018 08:53

For all the people that are saying "6 months is very young to be leaving your baby with someone" etc let's just bare in mind that soon OP will be leaving her baby with nesr total strangers for presumably 5 days a week.

I get those strong new mummy hormones make you a but possessive, but I don't think that's the issue.

Some of the best relationships I've had have been with my grandparents, and some of my fondest memories are with them at the park and on day trips. I'd love to have them back. Denying your child the chance at a close relationship with her grandchild is mean.

Your MIL is a different generation. There probably will be lots of things she did that we wouldn't do today. Putting baby down to sleep on their back, rear-facing child seats, weaning later on, sleep sacks....I came across all these differences with my MIL. We talked them out like mature adults, and I explained why we now do things differently. You need to communicate with her better and make more of an effort.

blueskypink · 27/07/2018 08:54

Also, there is nothing wrong with choosing professional childcare. As your baby grows, being somewhere structured with other children and plenty of peer socialising is probably better.

Bollocks. Part time perhaps but not full time. Nurseries are businesses looking to maximise profit and the people doing the work will be minimum wage, often young people who have never had children themselves. I speak from experience. Most can put on a good front, but when you look behind that ....

I had to use nurseries when two of my dcs were small. Both sets of gps lived too far away to help. My MIL was also interfering and knew best but I'd have bitten her hand off if she'd lived close enough to help.

Helendee · 27/07/2018 08:55

OP you must think of my DH and myself as very 'weird' as our five year old twin daughters actually ask for us to go over to give them a bath and read them bedtime stories.
We have a fantastic relationship with our beautiful granddaughters and I know how darned lucky we are. It helps because they are our daughter's children so naturally we are very close.
Sadly we don't have the same depth of relationship with our DS's children although we love and treat them all equally.
OP like it or not your MIL is your son's flesh and blood and they are entitled to develop a close and loving relationship, please let them.

LovelyBath77 · 27/07/2018 08:57

Hmm. The MIL does sounds quite controlling and overbearing. My HV said that it is not always a good plan to get grandparents involved in looking after baby for much childcare at an early age and doesn't often work out well. (and that HV was very experienced and worldly wise!)

Anniegetyourgun · 27/07/2018 08:57

Oh, and the kissing on the lips thing? I don't understand why people don't have a problem with that. Granted, it's a cultural/family thing, I'm told some families do and I suppose it isn't weird if that's what you're used to, but to me lip kissing is a romantic thing and just not appropriate between parents and children. Besides, babies' mouths are all dribbly, I'd far rather kiss a nice soft cheek or a forehead! (Just remembered that XH, who was weird in more ways than I can possibly describe, was very keen for some reason that I should kiss youngest DC on the lips, although he didn't do so himself. I do wonder what he was thinking. Possibly gearing up for a child abuse accusation in years to come.)

LovelyBath77 · 27/07/2018 08:57

Maybe try and do things on your own terms, have boundaries etc.

Fluffyrainbows · 27/07/2018 09:00

Agree with bathing babies and toddlers every day, why would you not? I would never buy baby products for a grandchild and expect anything, I would certainly not expect time alone with someone else's young baby whether it was a grandchild or anyone else. I don't think this is to do with it being a MIL. But there's nothing wrong with finding a way forward and setting clear boundaries, I'd just try not to destroy the relationship completely.

RainySeptember · 27/07/2018 09:00

I think it's a shame you have two sets of loving grandparents willing to provide childcare, yet you have chosen to send your child to a nursery full time.

However, it's your baby and your right to choose the childcare that you think will work best.

But refusing to let them babysit, or have any time alone with baby, seems like overkill. Nothing you've said suggests that she deserves that level of contempt. In fact, much of what you've said makes you sound like an over sensitive nightmare. I feel sorry for her. There was a post on here yesterday from a mil desperate to be part of her gc's life but being kept at arms length, it was really quite sad.

In the long run your child will benefit from being surrounded by people who love him, being doted on by grandparents, seeing you treat people kindly.

LovelyBath77 · 27/07/2018 09:01

It's really different having MIL who would ask, is there something we can do to help you? or being flexible and caring, from having one who is demanding full time care of the baby. Think OP is getting a hard time here. I can understand how overwhelming this must feel.

NameChangingParanoid · 27/07/2018 09:02

I’ve experienced both - doting GPs looking after child till 2.5 yrs old & full time nursery from young for the other one.

I would choose nursery every time - much less hassle & drama - no such thing as a free lunch!!!!

NotAnotherHeffalump · 27/07/2018 09:02

Agree with what RainySeptember said

SnuggyBuggy · 27/07/2018 09:02

Her furnishing a nursery and buying equipment for a grandchild that doesn't live with her is creepy as duck. Normal mentally healthy people confer with the parents and buy the odd easy to store thing to use for visiting babiesm

loveka · 27/07/2018 09:03

You aren't listening, are you?

What has this woman done to you that makes you hate her?

HattieAndHerBoy · 27/07/2018 09:05

Could you explain exactly what is wrong with granny giving baby a bath???

I think it was just added to the thread to give it a bit more oomph.

mrsgirond · 27/07/2018 09:05

Wow, prepared to choose a day nursery over grandparents that actually love your baby. Wow. Step back and see how that looks.

Laiste · 27/07/2018 09:05

I had a lovely relationship with both my nannas. Particularly my Dad's mum.

However at about 15 i began to understand that my nan had always been an absolute BITCH to my mum. From day one of her marriage. My mum had hidden it from me very well. So i have mixed feelings about moving mountains to protect the 'wonderful relationship between GPs and GC no matter what else is going on'.