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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 18:38

Missy. You know nothing about my financial situation. But thank you for another meaningless comment!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 18:40

Missy. My wishes trump those of my mil. If I am home and available lo will never go to her alone. I’m the one on leave - not him - so I will choose whom to send my child to whenever I wish. And that person is my mother.

OP posts:
Beingthere · 28/07/2018 18:42

Sorry for your situation OP but this thread is fascinating. It has every cliched post in the book on it, mostly because, as astute readers have recognised, posters are taking their own situation and applying it to yours.

So the poster with no money assumes you have no money, the liars assume you lie...

Fascinating.

VillageFete · 28/07/2018 18:44

Stormi - Can I ask you a couple of questions? You’ll have a DIL one day. If she said about you “I’ll never leave my child alone with her, I choose who I send my child to and that person is my mother” Would it upset you, or wouldn’t you care?

Also, so you think your feelings might change when your son is older, say age 4? Do you think you might be happy to have MIL mind him sometimes then?

RageAgainstTheTagine · 28/07/2018 18:46

The dad only gets to have a say in who 'gets' the baby when he is in sole charge. He does not get to dictate who op spends her time with, or the choices she makes as solo carer.

karyatide · 28/07/2018 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluemascara · 28/07/2018 18:49

This thread is hyper!

Original poster
Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 18:50

Village. I’ll treat her in the way I have noted in a previous post. Not the way my mil treats me - wanting to cast me aside to play mommy. We see her as a family and that clearly isn’t enough.

Mil can’t be jealous of my mom - she doesn’t even know I go there and leave baby as often as I do.

OP posts:
Beingthere · 28/07/2018 18:52

You’ll have a DIL one day

Huh?! She might not!

VillageFete · 28/07/2018 18:57

Beingthere Well it’s somewhat likely, isn’t it? Maybe I should have stated “You’ll POSSIBLY someday have a DIL to appease everyone.

And Stormi - Do you think things may change and you allow her to mind him when he’s older and can do more for himself etc?

I’m really glad I have a daughter when I read threads like this, as it of course reduces the risk of having a strained relationship with a DIL who is gatekeeper to the child.

MrsAidanTurner · 28/07/2018 18:59

karyatide

Very good post back there and very poignant link between the posters who have sided with the Mil and the names they called the op.

Being there and I love humanity, brilliant posts through out.

I have posted about my own in laws many times on mumsnet and with the threat of daily mail or sun lifting stories I usually keep to one topic at a time.. Interesting about drip feed accusation being a tactic to shut a poster down too.

Mumsnet has been a life line to me during 10 years of in law hell.
The op in this thread has really made me question my own self esteem.. My own sense of obligation.. Etc.

Op you have good boundaries. Your dh is on side.. Hopefully things will ease once you have firmly set out your stall.

ILoveHumanity · 28/07/2018 18:59

And the mil’s daughter will have a mil one day.. sod it.. surely relationships are a two way street .. if she treats mil fairly , she will be treated fairly.

But fairly feels different to a manipulator than to a thoughtful person.. feels different to a theif than to a friend of justice ...

She will be treated fairly if she treats her mil fairly. It’s up to her how fairness will feel like, based on how she will behave !

Original poster
Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 18:59

The thing that gets me about my mil is her entitlement.

She went to Disney with her nuclear family and when I was talking Disney she wanted to tag along!

She wants sil to play an active role. But her two brothers they saw maybe every other month?

She’s been going on about having lo on grandparents day. But not once did her children celebrate this holiday.

So nope nope nope. She is trying to create new traditions with my family when she couldn’t be bothered to do those things with her own.

OP posts:
Beingthere · 28/07/2018 19:00

as it of course reduces the risk of having a strained relationship with a DIL who is gatekeeper to the child

Omg, you mean a MOTHER!

MrsAidanTurner · 28/07/2018 19:01

Dils should very much be gate keeper to thier child, after all even the west's were grandparents.. The dil is child's mum its her job to keep her child safe.

VillageFete · 28/07/2018 19:04

Beingthere What? I’m genuinely confused Confused

Oh MrsAidenTurner I completely agree that the mother is the gatekeeper to the child, I understand that. I wasn’t saying it being funny.

safetyfreak · 28/07/2018 19:09

I always find it amusing these mothers pushing the MIL out usually have sons themselves. Karma a bitch you know :)

I am also thanking my lucky stars I have a daughter after reading this and many other, MIL threads on mumsnet.

QuinnElle · 28/07/2018 19:10

I'm sure when this child grows up the OP will be treated exactly as she's treating the MIL, will be demoted to "extended family", have supervised visits and not a lot to do with her grandchildren but it's fine as she knows her place now, she made the place. I'm so glad we don't have this drama in our families, I don't lile my MIL, she's done a lot worse than the OPs but my son loves her and his love trumps my dislike. I'm mature enough to realise this.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 19:13

Safetyfreak. ....but my mils name isn’t karma? 😭😭😭

OP posts:
Beingthere · 28/07/2018 19:18

Do the posters who are saying hand the baby over truly think that all MILs all people for that matter, are trustworthy and nice? And by being related by marriage you should just let them have your child?

HairyToity · 28/07/2018 19:27

I don't particularly like my MIL. Far too quick to give advice and judgemental. My children love her, and much prefer Nanna's house to nursery. She has always had them two days a week. I never bad mouth her to my kids, and let her have them.

She loves them and they love her.

HairyToity · 28/07/2018 19:39

My mum HATED her MIL. My nan didn't treat her very well when my parents first got together. Tried to break them up. Mum bad mouthed nan to me constantly, and wasted lots of energy on this grudge. I was always jealous of my cousins who were allowed to be close. They got to have days out with nan,sleepovers, chat on the phone etc. I hated my mums obsession. Anyway my mum enjoyed spending her inheritance from my nan. I think you are being over zealous.

HairyToity · 28/07/2018 19:40

Dad's inheritance even

missyB1 · 28/07/2018 19:44

Stormi your wishes might trump those of your Mil when you are around to control things, but of course when you aren't .........

MrsAidanTurner · 28/07/2018 19:57

Hairy the blame lies with the your nan. Trying to break up your mums relationship is awful. How dare anyone do that.
Maybe she saw the money as some compensation from being treated so badly.