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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 17:38

Lizzie. You are correct. I don’t want her kissing my son on the lips at all. I’m not sure how I could make that sentiment any more clear?

OP posts:
SugarPlumLairy · 28/07/2018 17:39

Omg OP you are NOT being unreasonable.

Your Mil is NOT being kind or a good, enthusiastic granny. She is being selfish and rude.

You are your child's advocate until they can speak up for themselves. Of course no one needs to kiss your child's on the lips! (Cold sores can kill). Neither do they need to undress and bathe your child because they want., your child is not a toy. It would be ridiculous to think that an adult who won't take no for an answer from an adult (without crying etc) is going to respect a child's boundaries or body autonomy.

I cannot understand the PP's that think it's good or safe to teach your child that someone who disrespects parents for their own selfish wants is a safe person. So what happens when your child says no to grandma? Grandma cries, complains, cajoles till she gets that lip kiss, cuddle, naked bath time, or whatever grandma wants. What happens when disrespect turns to "it'll be our secret don't tell mum" etc..... yeah that's a great way for kids to learn someone else's feelings/wants are more important than their own needs etc.a great way to undermine the parents and mess with a kids head.

Stick to your guns and plans. strict boundaries, consequences when they get broken. Protect YOUR child.

To the PP's saying "well she raised kids and they turned out fine!" Yeah....no.
My MIL birthed a son who survived to adulthood despite her drunken, racist, vile, careless ways. In no way does his surviving to adulthood qualify her as a good person let alone a potential baby sitter.

Your MIL raised a man child who won't say no, who thinks that out of 7 days (were 5 of them are spent working,) she deserves one to do as she pleases? Once a week is overkill, once a month is more reasonable. What happens when kid wants to go to friends/ sports/ hobbies etc? What happens when YOU want family time etc?

Please trust yourself. You're not wrong.

karyatide · 28/07/2018 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 17:42

Karyatide. Thank you! My mil comes off to others as a sweet old lady. But she plays the game well and is the queen of manipulation. She just hasn’t met someone who is on to her like I am.

OP posts:
Beingthere · 28/07/2018 17:46

People are going to insist you are a liar OP because they have no argument.

Good for you for deciding to see less of her. I think your child will be a lot better off without your MIL in their life.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2018 17:49

Yy to karyatide

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 17:49

I thought MN had rules about personal abuse?

I think posts have to be reported for the poster to be warned/banned and posts deleted. The one about the op being a “bitch” and her baby an “arsehole” has been taken down.

IrmaFayLear · 28/07/2018 17:51

So if you are the only person who is “on to her” ? Possibly it’s you that’s out of step.

You just sound like you have worked yourself up into a frenzy of hatred. I’m sure the woman is irritating, lacks boundaries and says inappropriate things, but your level of vitriol is quite spiteful and seems way out of proportion.

I really feel sorry for your dh. I’m sure you wouldn’t be happy if he was running a similar campaign against your dm.

ILoveHumanity · 28/07/2018 18:03

I could’ve had few peices of wisdom to advise Op to mild it down and give benefit of the doubt to the mil..

But seeing the amount of attack and taking sides against her on this thread, for no apparent reason other than that she doesn’t sound vulnerable enough ... makes me believe that benefit of doubt has no room in this world.

Some people like to break other people’s spirit don’t they ?

So much hostility. So much people projecting their own experiences and expecting the OP to give them explanations they can’t find... resolve their own issues ...

do We have an invasion from granny’snet ? Because while I think mumsnet is usually vile against mils, I’m seeing now that mumsnet has become vile against dil .

Lizzie48 · 28/07/2018 18:04

I meant that it sounded as if you didn't want your MIL to kiss your DS at all. I don't think you can mean that, what about the cheek
for example? It's totally reasonable not to want her to kiss him on the lips. But totally unreasonable to not want her to kiss him on the cheek or forehead. Confused

ILoveHumanity · 28/07/2018 18:06

Karyatide summer this thread up.

Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 18:06

Lizzie. Where have I EVER stated my annoyance with anything other than the LIPS? Please read my posts carefully.

OP posts:
Beingthere · 28/07/2018 18:10

Some people like to break other people’s spirit don’t they ?

Yep. And thank goodness for mothers like the OP who won’t be broken.

heartsease68 · 28/07/2018 18:10

LoveInTokyo

You're seriously over invested. Don't you have a baby to look after? Or a dog?

Lizzie48 · 28/07/2018 18:11

I have read the thread. You said you wanted your MIL to keep her lips away from your DS, which sounds like you don't want her to kiss him at all. I'm just wondering if maybe that's what your MIL thinks you mean, and why she's digging her heals in?

Maybe if you made it clear that you're happy for her to cuddle your DS and kiss him, just not on the lips. Because that is a perfectly reasonable boundary.

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 18:14

Lizzie48 even if the MIL did think that she had no right to “dig her heels in” about anything. It’s not her baby.

Plus the OP was clear about her MIL keeping her lips away from her son’s lips.

Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 18:15

I tell her to stop kissing him on the LIPS. So she does get her cuddles in. She just doesn’t seem to understand plain English. So she gets no alone time.

OP posts:
heartsease68 · 28/07/2018 18:15

Fascinating to see the way the mooing became 'fake news' when it interfered with the 'MIL is a victim narrative'.

MrsAidanTurner · 28/07/2018 18:19

An amazing grandma makes sure thier gc lives in a stable home

^^ this x 100000000000000000000000

This is what I can't get my head around. Women who have been through childbirth, they know what it's like esp first time and yet they proceed to shit on new mothers because they don't get what they want and usually because they have zilch relations with thier dil.

Lizzie48 · 28/07/2018 18:21

I'd be with you on that one. She certainly sounds like hard work, no doubt about that. I think it's a pity that your DH isn't capable of remembering to feed his own DS without you there to remind him. Maybe he'll do better once your DS is older, so that he can maintain contact between his DM and his DS without you having to be involved. Because it really makes my life easier that my DH can do things with MIL and DDs without me having to be there all the time.

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 18:21

heartsease68 it’s a common technique to stop the op telling more of her story, along with the Mumsnet “drip feeding” scorn.

I think such people have liars in their lives so they assume all people lie.

Lizzie48 · 28/07/2018 18:26

I can't imagine anyone making up the mooing incident, tbh. I think it has to be true, for that reason. It completely smacks of jealousy on the part of the MIL.

I've never understood the drip feeding complaints. It's not possible to remember every relevant detail in the first post.

MrsAidanTurner · 28/07/2018 18:28

children who grow up with smothering controlling parents rebelConfused

The Mil does sound controlling though.. And she is certainly smothering too.
So maybe it's op dh who is rebelling!!
Funny when we get mils on here who say.. I don't demand anything, see my gc as a privilege not aright... Respect my dil even if some things are bonkers.. All report great relationships with their sons and families!!

But the pushy rude nasty ones have issues

missyB1 · 28/07/2018 18:31

I just hope that the poor dh in this scenario has enough courage to to take his child to see his mum and leaves baby with her whenever he likes. In truth though he probably wouldn't dare because OP sounds like an aggressive dictator.

Zeeboo was spot on when she said that children are just as biologically related to the paternal side of the family as the maternal side. But I actually think there are people in this forum who dont believe / understand that. Dads get to have their say about how their children are brought up and who they spend time with. So OP saying "No because I said so" shows she thinks her opinion is the only one that counts.

Anyway who bets she changes her tune when those Nursery bills start coming in?

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 18:34

Also, the comments about the OP spending time on here... it will be more beneficial for her MH (despite the nasty comments as there is lots of support) than stewing at home.

I remember when I had a newborn and FIL told me he was going to take him, I was saved by posting on a support site. It was good for me and therefore good for baby because I wasn’t panicking.

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