I’m a sil and my mum is a mil to two dil. She has a very good relationship which grew because she gave it space and didn’t choke it.
One of the dil is like what some pp suggest. Started off as not wanting to put any effort from the very beginning without even meeting us.. the other, had many differences with us but respect from both sides allowed the relationship to grow. I love her actually. I assumed I wouldn’t but I had no option but to respect her and her comfort ans that made me grow to like her.
I’m a dil... I have done more than any other dil would do, in efforts... to forge a relationship with mil.
She also loved me back from the beginning...
But was lacking in respect. Was pushy. Minimising . But loved me in her own way.
That relationship broke down despite many attempts to amend.
Now how I wish I just stuck to visiting as a family and not having 1-to-1. At least, would’ve saved the relationshop from ill feelings.
I respect her. But dislike her and don’t trust her. Much like the op describes and much for the same reasons.
Some mil compete by trying to pretend the wife of their son doesn’t exist as a person, they choose to disregard her because they’re too pained to watch their son be independant of them.
Sure I sympathise ..
But doesn’t mean that they should expectthe dil to be dumb about it or ok with it.
If you are in pain, because you can’t yet accept your son has a new life, with his wife... then keep a distance out of courtesy to his aware wife.
You have full sympathy and respect for being the mother that raised him. But the dil giving up her rights to be acknowledged as the mother of his children and respected and appreciated as his wife, isn’t the way to make you feel appreciated.
When the mil decides to work with her dil... surely, most kind dil won’t feel threatened.
So the idea is , you either work together or stay away from each other. Simple.
And right now , the priority is that the mother should be comfortable with how her child is raised, so sorry mum, you re secondary on this one. I know it is hard for you to acknowledge that your dil is a mother and her opinions on her child are more important than yours, but it is what it is... you are gonna have to swallow it.
No buying lots of nursery items doesn’t paint anyone as an amazing grandma.. an amazing grandma, makes sure that their grandchild lives in a stable home.. and makes sure the source if all goodness to the child is feeling safe and comfortable - yes that is the child’s mother.
Throwing gifts at the child is secondary. Means nothing when you re hurting the child through his mother.
So to you mothers of boys, I’m a mother of a boy.. and yes it will be a struggle seeing him find his independance and leaving me to feel redundant ..but that’s why teach them to be a man, not a Mumma boy
Because a Mumma boy will only become a wife’s boy one day. A man, will always remain a man