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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
lapenguin · 28/07/2018 08:56

Just read where you said you try and make yourselves busy and make sure you never spend more than 2-3 hours with her. If your husband normally had a good relationship with his mother I can see this causing problems.
Sometimes you do something you don't like because it makes the people you love happy. Your DC may love seeing his grandma and you will just have to deal with allowing it.
Hosnetly you sound spoilt. So it's ironic you call your sil spoilt. Also even if she is spoilt that doesn't mean she's unsafe around kids. Who knows it may help her learn to be less spoilt

lapenguin · 28/07/2018 09:19

She is your husbands mother so she is your family family. Or do you expect to only see your son when his wife dictates
Also if this your only DC? You say they are 6 months old, while her mooing at you wasn't the nicest thing, your DC will have no understanding of what she has done or remember it.
When she asks you why you won't grab lunch with her or aunt whoever then that is the time to tell her you don't like her.
You're not giving her a chance to change and one day she won't be here and that's when you will regret how you have behaved to her as your husband may blame you for the time he or his child didn't get to spend with her.

parteeesss · 28/07/2018 09:34

You don't need to confront her as such. You just need to communicate your feelings and then you can both compromise and meet in the middle.
You know, like most sensible people do.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2018 10:16

If mil had her grandchild's best interests at heart, she wouldn't try to undermine the mother and belittle her. You can't be a good grandparent if you do this. Since grandma wants and needs this relationship more than either the OP or the baby (who really only needs his parents) , the onus is on her to stop pushing for more than the OP is comfortable with.

I don't get the idea that the OP is standing between the mil and her own son - that's not true. As a grown arse adult he can manage his own relationship and have as much/little contact as he chooses. The only thing he cannot do is separate his wife from her baby, just because his mum wants it!
I see nothing inherently wrong in a eoman choising not to see her ILs without her husband present - especially if said ILs are not ones for taking 'no' for an answer. She needs her dh to help maintain a boundary. Maybe better that, than one day OP snaps and gives it to mil with both barrels. Thst would be hard to come back from. I honestly think once a week visits for 2-3 hours is enough time to spend with people you dislike, for the sake of your child's future relationship and for your spouse.

It's also not do unusual to not consider ILs to br your own family - they are your child's family but not your own. ILs need to be a bit mindful of that, when making demands on time spent etc.

heartsease68 · 28/07/2018 10:23

I think 2-3 hours once a week with a small child and someone you find very difficult is reasonable. It speaks volumes that you can't have a weekly 2-3 hour visit and just choose to leave. You shouldn't need a reason to be allowed to leave.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 28/07/2018 11:34

@StopCloudSeeding

I had a very similar experience with my in laws. It really began to harm my bond with my children. Because my husband was incapable of realizing their is a difference between parenting and grand parenting, and was happy to encourage some weird kibbutz type mentality where he offloaded his parenting on to his mother, and without discussion, his family were always on the scene. Talking 5/6 days a week.

It became too much for me. His mother was asked to do full-time childcare which I did not want and resented. My relationship with my own children and the role of mother was then disordered and compromised.

Everything comes at a price. Free childcare is not free. I now keep my in laws at arms length for my own mental health. Also, I've not had children to facilitate their happiness / desires. My kids see their GPs regularly but for visits and to have fun. Nothing else.

If I had my time again, I would do it all so differently. Based on my needs. And too bad if people don't understand or approve.

crispysausagerolls · 28/07/2018 11:42

He doesn’t realize the more he lets it go, the more I resent her and the less time I am willing to spend with her. So it becomes a cycle.

Maybe he would realise if you would behave like an adult and communicate with him? Rather than silently punishing by withdrawing contact WITHOUT explaining your feelings to him.

I just don’t think this post can be real. You lost me completely when you gave your MIL daring to invite you out for lunch as a reason not to be around her 🙄

recklessruby · 28/07/2018 11:53

Most people would kill for free childcare. I wouldn't have been able to work if not for mum and dad! Yes they did things I wouldn't have done and yes they did annoy me sometimes but we have to expect different generations to do things differently.
I have adult ds and dd but no dgc yet.
I am close to both and maybe do care a bit too much and give advice but one day I could be the dreaded mil and it would make me sad not to be part of their lives.
Is it coz they are DH parents not yours OP?
Even my own parents can be annoying but I live and let live.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2018 11:58

There's no such thing as free childcare. Unless you have truly exceptional parents/ILs, you pay for it one way or the other.
Lunch with pushy mil doesn't sound like fun - OP does not owe her this time.

It really is true that when you have a baby, you become public property and everyone considers they have a right to decide how you spend your days!

HattieAndHerBoy · 28/07/2018 12:10

Unless you have truly exceptional parents/ILs, you pay for it one way or the other

Im quite sure there's nothing exceptional about me or my friends who are very happy to look after their grandchild just because.

And Im pretty sure there's no payment one way or the other for doing so.

Beingthere · 28/07/2018 12:20

IWannaSeeHowItEnds I agree. The price SIL paid for MIL looking after her children “for free” was two children with eating disorders (MIL has issues with food and her other daughter has issues also) and all of them making sarcastic comments about their fathers and other grandparents.

If I had allowed contact with the ILs to continue, my son would have grown up thinking stealing was normal and DH being called nasty names was normal.

I’m so over my son not having grandparents! (My parents are dead.) It seemed a big deal at first but it’s the best thing we could have done for our son’s wellbeing.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2018 12:38

Hattie, the payment comes in the form of having to accept a kind of co parenting arrangement, instead of the traditional gp relationship - my mum has friends who are ft childcarers for dgc and it is hard on them too. They have to impose rules instead of just being fun grannies. For the parents, they've had to accept things they wouldn't have chosen in a paid setting.
I have a friend who cannot ask her parents to babysit so she can go out because they have already had the kids all week so she can work and it wouldn't be fair.
Another friend's parents do childcare and think it gives them carte blanche to interfere in their daughter's life - they take over and treat my friend like she is still a teenager. They consider their opinion wrt grandchildren to be equal to the mother.
Family childcare can be great if you have parents who respect that it is your child but even then, you are inviting more involvement and opinions in your day to day life than you might actually want.
And if you have overbearing gps, they've got you over a barrel.
Much better to avoid, if you can predict how it would go.

QuinnElle · 28/07/2018 12:39

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/07/2018 12:45

Quinn they've raised a woman who isn't a doormat and who doesn't call total strangers bitches and arseholes on the internet. I'd say they did a fine job. Are you the mil or the bsc sil?

21stCenturyMrsBennett · 28/07/2018 12:52

I don’t do too well with conflict and because she cries and uses tears to manipulate, I don’t want to confront her because I know she would cry and my husband would be upset that I made his mother cry

Has it occurred to you that she cries because you are horrible to her and about her and that crying is a normal response to that? And your husband is actually upset that you not only make his mother cry but then dismiss it as her being manipulative and therefore you can pretend you did nothing wrong?

Raspberry88 · 28/07/2018 13:01

What on earth is horrible about telling MIL that she can't have a 6 month old breastfed baby to herself without its mother!? If she's crying over that then that's definitely manipulative.
It really is true that when you have a baby, you become public property and everyone considers they have a right to decide how you spend your days!
^^ This...

Bluelady · 28/07/2018 13:12

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diddl · 28/07/2018 13:27

How is Op a spiteful bitch for not seeing her MIL alone & not letting her 6month old stay over?

I'm a spiteful bitch as well then.

HollyGibney · 28/07/2018 13:48

How can posters come on here and call a stranger a spiteful bitch, an arsehole and tell someone their child should be removed and given to another family member, and actually believe they are a better person than the OP?

heartsease68 · 28/07/2018 14:15

A spiteful bitch would not be spending 2-3 hours weekly with someone they dislike. They wouldn't bother.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 14:18

Sil is always asking when we will leave our child with her and mil. It would be nice if she had a child - she would hand it over to mil on a silver platter.

Bils gf has commented to me “I don’t know how you deal with everyone wanting to grab your baby. I know I wouldn’t want to” so I think she will be like me in regard to creating boundaries.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 14:20

Quinnelle. I see you’ve been raised to be spineless. You must be a mil who expects her sil to bow down to her? Shame on you

OP posts:
Beingthere · 28/07/2018 14:21

I think what is happening here is that some people are answering from the MIL position (OP is a “bitch” for not wanting the MIL to have joint parenting rights, kids will be “arseholes” if the MILs don't joint parent etc.) and some are answering as DILs who have had abuse, and some as MILs/DILs who have a healthy relationship with their ILs.

These views are never going to match.

SalemBlackCat · 28/07/2018 14:32

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Original poster
Stormi12 · 28/07/2018 14:35

Salemblackcat. I’m not a troll. But you seem like a disgruntled mil who doesn’t have her dil under her thumb as much as you wish?

OP posts:
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