Mil keeps asking and asking

[Stormi12]

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

MIL is clearly trying her best to bond with a DIL

By mooing at her? Works for me!

She could start by not coming out with hurtful crap like "she's not family-family, she's extended family"

In fairness, she's saying that now having been insulted endlessly. It seems more like she grits her teeth and holds her tongue while in the MIL's company. Maybe it would be better if she said how she feels a little.

Honestly? If I were making a genuine post about my MIL's unreasonable behaviour, I would mention the mooing in the OP.

I wouldn't start with a litany of complaints about kissing and baths and buying presents and then suddenly claim she "mooed at me" about ten pages in when I wasn't quite getting the reactions I'd hoped for.

I call bullshit on the mooing.

@heartsease68 you clearly haven't truly read any of the posts on here. The MIL has bent over backwards to try to make it work with OP. OP refuses to engage MIL or have any meaningful relationship with her, whatsoever. That is what the thread is about. The OP point blank not even trying.

Granny does not need to go along to early years. That's mum and baby time. I wouldn't expect my mum to come.

Honestly...I wouldn't want lunch with MIL and Aunt either.

It seems MIL is trying...but in cases where DIL is ignored prior to having a baby... then....suddenly MIL wants to get closer because of the baby...it will piss off the DIL.

At the end of the day...MIL is the one missing out.... if she (MIL) wants things to improve
she needs to change her attitude towards the OP.

She needs to get smarter...or she won't have time alone with her DGS.... which she wants.

LOL at OP saying that if and when she’s a MIL she will keep her beak out and manage to have no emotions on the subject if her DIL treats her this way.

You haven’t a clue what it’ll be like until it happens to you.

Don’t do this OP. Give her a little slack. You’re setting your grandson up for a sad and distant relationship with his grandma. Ok so you don’t want her to care for him every day. But give her a little bit of credit. She raised kids of her own. You married one of them. If you reject her so constantly it will affect your son’s life. I’ve seen it among my friends.

So if left in charge of the baby, your MIL would keep him clean, show him affection and take him out places?! WHAT A CUNT.

^^Exactly what I was thinking. Stop using your baby as a weapon to use against your mil as power/control just because you despise her. She sounds like a very doting grandmother who is dying to bond with her GC, no wonder the poor woman is not giving up without a fight. Your DH is most probably onboard because he knows what a control freak you are and wants an easy life. You are one hell of nightmare dil. Your baby will not remain a baby, will grow up too and I hope to God he finds a woman who can't stand you and who will want to push you out of their lives too. Leaving you begging for some time with your darling child and GC. What a sad world we live in when women give their own parents priority but in laws need special permission and authorisation to be involved in their grandkids lives. May as well put up a banner saying "thank you for raising your son well enough to provide me with a good life, your work is now done so can you kindly fuck off and leave us to it"...
Would be one thing if she was an addict or your concerns were over the safety of your child, but really all I read was ME ME ME in your OP.

My pfb was my mil's first grandchild, (my DC are still her only grandchildren) and I did find her overbearing and a bit intrusive in the early days. But, I did my best to try and understand that she loved my baby nearly as much as I did, and we got through it. She did things I didn't like, gave them the soother all the time while I only allowed it in bed, gave them treats and rubbish that I didn't allow, all annoying but nothing too serious. We got through it and I am so glad we did because my DC adore her, they all have a wonderful relationship with her and I am so glad I didn't deny them that.

Just say no. As long as she still sees him she has no reason to see him alone.
I would avoid using family for childcare especially if they aren't easy going and respectful of your wishes.

I dont see why op is getting such a tough time. The baby is only 6 months old its totally natural to not want anyone minding your child just yet. I had very similar feelings especially to my IL I hated the constant pestering and the guilt trips in the end I just said no and the more you ask the more likely I am to say no I don't want to be pestered and I dont need childcare currently. I always kept visits regular though as I wanted my dd to bond with my ILs and you know what when they backed off I warmed up and then i started offering them small things at first like watch dd while I popped to the shop or went for a shower then i started letting them take her out for short periods of time. I get where you're coming from its not nice to be badgered and it's not nice knowing your IL have set up a second home for your child I dont know why but it's not.

I hope you manage to get over these feelings you have towards your mil trust me life will be much more happier for you if you do. Just try and remeber you are your sons mother nothing can ever change that the bond a mother has wirh their child doesn't even compare to any other relationships the child will form with other relatives there is no reason to have feelings of jealousy or feel inadequate. I mean this all in the kindest way possible try and let your mil in a bit of you don't want to use her for full time child care that's totally okay... having family memebers or friends provide this sort of thing does often lead to trouble anyway not always but I've heard many stories where this has been the case better off using a nursary or qualified child minder. Perhaps try and spend some one on one time with her it works wonders trust me I took mine to a spa during the darkest days of our relationship and it really did help we laughed together and cried and had an amazing heart to heart.

I completely understand why the Op feels the need to protect her bond with the child...

She feels undermined as a parent.. she feels dismissed... she feels overlooked...

It is her responsibility to ensure she is trusting whoever she leaves the child with... people don’t just have a “right” to look after a child.. people need to “earn trust” in being able to look after a child. And for that to happen, their needs to be some sort of trust from the parents towards the care giver o the fact that the care giver will be responsible for the child’s well being ..

At this moment in time , the child’s well being is very much interconnected to the mothers well being and especially emotional well being ...

So if grandma didn’t have the wisdom to put effort with the mother prior to birth ... to show her respect and to show her that she will not be undermining her judgement when it comes to what they feel comfortable with with regards to the baby... then she brought it into herself.

I used to be a softy op.. just like many of the pp.. until I realised that not many are blessed with relationships where they feel manipulated so they won’t know how to advise.

My advice is... don’t listen to MN.. they’re conflicting with advice. At some points they advice dil to distance herself and other times they say “ she isn’t putting enough effort”.

Visiting once a week with your Dp is enough . Well done to you. You are not mean or anything.

You are doing your duty. Against ur wishes. That’s wise.

U don’t have to like her. U don’t have to try to like her. U don’t have to pretend to like her. I’m sure you have tried at some point in life and realised that you are different. She could try make u feel respected and then things might be different

My FIL died a few days after the birth of my PFB. Therefore mil was invited to every holiday, every event! This affected my relationship with my kids irrefuteable. 😕 Yes kids, because it continued.
These first days are NOT replaceable. Do what you want. No ones wishes exceed yours. Your life, your baby, your choice!
I say your baby because you have carried this child. You have gone through the painful process of giving birth! Your wishes are paramount! Grandparents have no say in this, none whatsoever. You do what suits you.

Someone asked if I have addressed the behaviour with mil. The answer is no. I don’t do too well with conflict and because she cries and uses tears to manipulate, I don’t want to confront her because I know she would cry and my husband would be upset that I made his mother cry.

So I will piss and moan about her behaviour online and to my friends. Husband is aware of things she has said and done and sometimes feels it is best to just let it go. He doesn’t realize the more he lets it go, the more I resent her and the less time I am willing to spend with her. So it becomes a cycle.

It sounds like the mil is trying to treat the baby as her own. High chair cot and pram? That does sound excessive. As are the repeated demands for overnight contact with a 6 month old baby who frankly should be with their own parents. If she keeps asking just tell her that you don’t understand why she’s still not getting the message and that you won’t be changing your mind. Mine was so excited when I had DC1 had all sorts of plans about having baby overnight etc. But she’s been horrible to me over the years so I don’t understand why she actually though I would feel comfortable with that.

Sar501. What happened after they asked? Did you let them take baby?

I am not arrogant enough to think that I am always right or that the DC would come to any harm at all from a bit of variance.

This.

You sound very childish OP. I assume this MIL bashing has only really come to a head since the birth of your DC, and so your husband has only had to put up with it for 6 months so far. Wouldn't be surprised if it grinds him down and it affects your relationship with him. It must be awful being stuck between two people you love with one of them causing drama and ill-feelings over every minor imperfection. The over-reacting and emotional warfare must be exhausting.

Wouldn't be surprised if it grinds him down and it affects your relationship with him. It must be awful being stuck between two people you love with one of them causing drama and ill-feelings over every minor imperfection.

Not necessarily. In my case DH finally realised that I had had years of giving in, keeping the peace, and that his M was unreasonable in assuming and demanding anything. The difference? He was now a father and instinct to protect his child and me kicked in.

Some of these threads are about the irreplacability of grandparents and how much they are missed when no longer around. My father - who was the one who didn't respect boundaries and who tried to take over my daughter - died when she was 10. I don't really miss him because he was such a difficult and peculiar man. I also think it's important that growing children develop a variety of relationships, with family friends, friend's parents etc....

Someone asked if I have addressed the behaviour with mil. The answer is no.

I see this so often on here regarding MIL and I just don't get it. I'm positive there would be more harmonious relationships between DILs and MILs if they'd just communicate with each other.

There's no magic wand that makes some DIL/MILs get along, it takes time and effort, listening and putting yourselves in each others shoes, being kind and supportive and with like any relationship it doesn't happen over night.

Obviously there are some truly horrendous women that there won't be any chance of a good relationship between the two women but I'm certain that if they talked more and listened to them each other instead of continuously being defensive and offended their relationship would be a whole lot better.

Sorry for random them.

YABU

Firstly you sound like you need to grow up.

Secondly Stop using your baby as a weapon to use against your mil as power/control just because you despise her. She sounds like a very doting grandmother who is dying to bond with her GC, no wonder the poor woman is not giving up without a fight.

^This

I am with you op. The guilt tripping on you would d find itely not be ok if used on a small child. You are right to be wary.

I would have been really upset if my mil implied thay my baby only wanted me because I provided food. How does that work for ff mothers? Would OP's mil consider the OP to be totally unnecessary?

So many gps ruin the chance of future harmonious relationships by going bsc in the early weeks and not having any respect for the bond between parents and child or the need for new mums to not leave their baby on the gps whim.

My own ILs did my head in when I had my first child, following me upstairs when I was trying to bf, turning up constantly, without checking it was a good time and staying all day. I couldn't breathe. Luckily I had a partner who talked to them and got them to back up a little bit. It did damage how I felt though, for quite a while.

OP, I think you need to talk to your husband and get him to talk to mil and make it clear just why you are both upset and let her know that she needs to back off. She will only take it seriously when she sees it comes from him as well as you and that the more she pushes, the less she will get.

As an aside, I hate it when people try to pin me down to Christmas plans in bloody July. OP is not at all U to want to spend her baby's first Christmas with people she actually likes and who respect her.

You need to talk to her about it
If she starts crying say you will carry this conversation on when she's stopped acting like a child and walk away
Be calm about it, don't get heated.
If you don't confront her about it then she doesn't know what the problem is and that's unfair.
Also she may have got items you said she didn't need to get, but that doesn't make her horrible. You could have something that breaks suddenly or you could actually need her to take dc for a few hours. They could need a nap or food while visiting her. It could come in handy for future children. At the end of the day it's just stuff and can be sold if unused or gifted to other family members. Not your money not your problem.
Also I still don't get why you got so annoyed she said you were having her first grand baby. It was factual after all... Shows she was excited and proud about being a grandma