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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat · 27/07/2018 23:09

@GreenTulips who said anything about taking a baby away from it's mother? I meant that there is a nursery/room for the grandchild for when he visits. I dare say most people would find that very sweet and thoughtful.

Atlastatlastatlast · 27/07/2018 23:09

This reply has been deleted

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Glaciferous · 27/07/2018 23:09

God, poor OP. Please ignore these people. I hope you aren't reading this any more, actually. You could have phrased your OP better but it in no way deserves the level of vitriol you are having heaped on you here!

Don't use your MIL for childcare. You don't have to and aren't comfortable with it and that is completely fine. It is your right.

Don't see your MIL any more than you feel comfortable with. Set your boundaries now and stick to them. It is your right.

Don't listen to the weirdos who are all desperate for you to hand over your baby to your MIL for as long as she likes and suck it up when she's rude and unpleasant. Why should you? Who wants to spend time with someone who is undermining and mean? It is your right not to do so.

It is very clear that many people here have never experienced a relationship like this and that's lovely for them. But you shouldn't listen to them either. They have no idea what you may be dealing with.

And really, people saying "I've never read anything as horrible and depressing in my life" is laughable. You clearly don't read newspapers or books or much of anything.

ShackUp · 27/07/2018 23:11

OP I'm with you, my MIL was similar, terrible boundaries. She's ended up missing out on her grandchildren to a large extent because she wasn't kind to me when DS1 was born.

I have two sons. If they have children, I will take a huge step back and offer only support and help. No advice, no judgement, no making the baby have a sleepover.

MaryPeary · 27/07/2018 23:11

*To spare her feelings dh and I have told her the nursery only had a full time spot for our child.

My mom also offered to do child care but to be fair we just decided to do full time care.*

You have TWO sets of grandparents - people who actually love your baby. That's something very precious. I'd think very carefully before handing him instead to people who are just paid to mind him. Who would you rather have looking after you - someone who loves you, or a paid stranger? Why would you pay to have your child cared for by people who don't love him?

Are you in the UK, OP? You wrote "mom" so I wondered if you were from the USA or another country or culture with something else going on that we're not getting?

None of us knows your full situation, OP. It's clear you do find your MIL annoying. But we're none of us perfect, and maybe there are ways you could get along better. Maybe she does need to calm down a bit, but the way you're talking about her makes me so, so sad, as a mother of several sons. Can you work with her, in your baby's interest? Eg you can say "I'm just not ready to leave him with anyone yet, and I know you love him, but this constant pushing makes me feel even more anxious about leaving him."

It sounds like there are some really harmless things that you are getting wound up about. Kissing your child on the lips isn't weird or gross - lots of families do that, whether babies or adult children. Baths for fun - tried and tested! You say your doc has advised every other day, but this isn't cast in stone and other docs might well advise different, eg if it's eczema, so MIL might just be asking or voicing another opinion. This makes me wonder if the other things you think are wrong about her are just as arbitrary. Maybe some are; would you at least consider few possibility that you could be mistaken about some of this?

You have the opportunity to increase the amount of love in your baby's life, by allowing one of the people most invested in him to look after him. Maybe not now, but please, when he's old enough - let him face a relationship with his gran separate from his relationship with you. Let him spend time alone with her.

My dad hated his MIL and would have quite liked to shut her out of my life when I was a kid. I'm so glad that he didn't manage to, because she was a wonderful figure in my life. Yes, she did some things differently from my parents and she was definitely wrong about nutrition and no doubt various other things, but she loved me, and I loved her. I think kids have a right to their grandparents, unless the grandparents are actively bad.

hottotrotsky · 27/07/2018 23:16

OP you're right. Ignore the haters.

You the mama. End of. You have the power. The twisted shit on here equating GP's rights to those of the parents is perverse, frankly.

GreenTulips · 27/07/2018 23:18

You wrote "mom" so I wondered if you were from the USA

What?? Plenty on Brummies use Mom!!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 23:19

You the mama? End of?
Right on hun.

Atlastatlastatlast · 27/07/2018 23:22

You the mama you have the power

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear Sad

LoveInTokyo · 27/07/2018 23:23

OP, if you want to see what a toxic MIL looks like, there's another thread on here where the OP has said that on the day she had a stillborn baby her MIL phoned her in the hospital and essentially implied that it was her fault because she didn't have a caesarian.

And here you are, complaining that your MIL wants to go for lunch with you and give your baby a bath occasionally.

For actual fuck's sake.

Alibaba87 · 27/07/2018 23:24

People are different, have different points of view, brought up in different ways with different ideas of normal. I sympathise with OP, though it does sound like you also really dislike her, which I think means you aren’t willing to give a little. I get on well with my MIL, but she did a lot of the things you mention (and still does). Drives me mental, but I like her and get on with her so I’m able to move past the annoyances for the sake of my LO.
It’s the pressure of having people demand, complain and whine that whatever you’re providing isn’t enough. My MIL has baby twice a week (whilst I work) and we seem them on a sat or sun at weekend, often pops over for a cuppa in the week too. She still does not feel she sees baby enough and would like a regular overnight each week. I continue to brush it off, I’ve tried explaining my reasons etc but she still pushes-it’s tiring and annoying. SalemBlackCat my MIL has done most of the things listed and I found it a little overbearing, not nice. I’m sure other people do find it nice, again it just shows how different people are. It makes for an interesting world!

MaryPeary · 27/07/2018 23:27

Plenty on Brummies use Mom!!

Well I never! You learn something new every day, even at my advanced age. Thanks @GreenTulips!

Bouncingbelle · 27/07/2018 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Glaciferous · 27/07/2018 23:46

And here you are, complaining that your MIL wants to go for lunch with you and give your baby a bath occasionally.

You are an actual idiot. The baby has sensitive skin and OP's doctor has told her that bathing every other day is a good idea while the MIL prefers to ignore medical advice and bath the baby as and when she wants to. The MIL has been rude to the OP and is pushing and pushing for something that the OP is uncomfortable with. The MIL has been rude to the OP and treated breastfeeding as an excuse to belittle her. In what world is any of that OK?

No grandparent in the world NEEDS to have overnight contact in order to build a relationship with their grandchild. If the parent or parents don't want this, it's a perfectly good reason to say no. OP is being very accommodating in seeing the madwoman four times a month. She is doing her best with someone she finds difficult. Cut her a bit of slack. Her baby is still very small.

BertrandRussell · 27/07/2018 23:47

"It’s weird if I say it’s weird. She can go kiss her husband on the lips. Leave my family
Out of it. And no she is not family family; she is extended family."
Wow. Not sure anyone needs to say anything else after this.

Glaciferous · 27/07/2018 23:47

I really think some of you have actually not read the OP's posts. Or you have no empathy at all, and no ability to read between the lines. How depressing. I wish you all boundary overstepping in-laws. And then you will get it.

LoveInTokyo · 28/07/2018 00:05

I have read it all. I particularly enjoyed the ridiculous drip-feed about the "mooing" when the OP realised that what she had said about her MIL's behaviour wasn't getting people sufficiently enraged and she was going to have to spice it up a bit.

It would be funny if I didn't feel so sorry for the poor MIL.

Hippomammy · 28/07/2018 00:15

OP I could have written a lot of your posts word for word after i had my first child. Then i had my second and i needed more support so i selfishly decided that now my MIL was good enough. Thankfully, even though it was a decision i made out of necessity and selfishness, it was the best thing i did. I realised that even though we were completely different and had really opposing views on family, kids etc we both loved my kids and husband. I got to know her better and loved and respected her so much. Im so glad i did as she passed away this year, and even though i feel guilt about how i treated her after my firstborn, i know we loved each other and i had made amends. And yes, even after i got close to her she still did things that drove me mad, but equally some of my choices probably drove her mad too! If i hadnt made the effort to love her then I'm not sure my marriage would have survived her passing. My husband also agreed with me at the time that she was overbearing, annoying etc after i had our first baby as he wanted me to feel happy. But he was so devasted after she died that i thank god often that we had developed a good relationship with her as im sure he would have hated me if she had passed without getting the beautiful bond with her 4 grandkids that she had. Imagine if your husband was treating your mother as you are treating his. I agree that you shouldn't have her as childcare, that doesnt end well often when the relationship is good but you really should try to leave him with her for an hour here and there, you will start to relax with her then and can extend the time if comfortable. I miss my MIL everyday, and mourn those first couple of years that i should have had enjoying my firstborn with her.

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2018 00:19

I have a cot at my house so that when my DC visit with their babies they can nap upstairs. I have a high chair and a changing mat.

Is that too much?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/07/2018 00:27

Nanny.

I have one at mine as well but I didn’t get it after being told not to and I haven’t automatically assumed someone else baby would be sleeping in it over night.

I asked the relevant parents if they would find it useful and helpful AFTER they had indicated to me that they would be happy for overnights to occur, I’ve also made it very clear they are also welcome to stay over if they wished.

PinkGinFreak · 28/07/2018 00:29

I feel really sorry for your Mil. She's obviously desperate to share the joy of having a baby in the house, to love and look after and dote on. We're all different, just cut her a bit of slack, your baby's not a possession, sounds like the kind of thing my DHs ex would do to him when they split up, keep his kids from him, out of spite and to hurt him. And because it made her feel like she was on a power trip. Just flex and bend a little and everyone will benefit, including your baby who may be lucky enough to have a great relationship with BOTH nanas, not just your side

heartsease68 · 28/07/2018 00:35

@tokoyo How can you say it is not the case that the OP has tried to make it work with her MIL when she visits every week? What does she have to do? Say 'Oh, alright then, I'll leaves without the baby then, as you insist?''

Nuts. Absolutely nuts.

Rebecca36 · 28/07/2018 00:39

She shouldn't kiss the child on the lips but other than that, she sounds fine. You don't like her, that can't always be helped but you don't sound all that nice yourself.

Up to you to accept or reject her offers of childminding. Or let her do it some of the time. It'll certainly save you some cash.

ILoveHumanity · 28/07/2018 00:41

You sound like you don’t trust her op. You two clearly have unresolved issues between you both.

So I’m not surprised that you are a bit annoyed that you would be pressured to hand your child over when you don’t feel your trust was earned.

Totally with u.

Not sure why so many pp can’t see that

LoveInTokyo · 28/07/2018 00:44

She doesn't have to agree to overnight contact, but cutting the MIL a little slack, going for lunch occasionally, letting her take the baby out for a walk, basically not acting as though she hates her guts etc would cost nothing and would clearly mean a lot to her MIL.

MIL is clearly trying her best to bond with a DIL who rebuffs and rejects her at every turn.

She could start by not coming out with hurtful crap like "she's not family-family, she's extended family". Bet the OP doesn't consider her own mother to be "extended family", and I bet she won't consider herself to be "extended family" when she's a grandmother either.

I swear, some people on here seem to think that once you've accomplished the great achievement of getting knocked up and giving birth to a child, you're no longer obliged to consider anyone else's feelings because it's all about you and your baby now.