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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 22:18

No, a 6 month old baby doesn’t NEED grandparents, but who actually wants to prevent a grandparent who loves the child from spending time with them, barring actual concerns?

(a) The OP is not preventing the grandparent from spending significant amounts of time with her baby! In answer to your question, I would agree 'yes who would stop this lovely thing from happening?' but the OP isn't stopping a relationship from developing at all (spending time alone together is entirely unnecessary for the development of 'a relationship' (ahem) at this stage). This would be loads of time for any grandparent and is only deemed insufficient because the MIL in question has set up a nursery and clearly saw herself as a primary carer and needs a job or a volunteering opportunity

(b) The OP has concerns. From MIL's disgusting behaviour (if someone had mooed at a breastfeeding mother in front of me I would have asked them to leave) and the fact she doesn't give a shit about her DIL feelings it is clear that she is not likely to respect her directions. I have also encountered the kind of MIL who asks her DIL something and then asks exactly the same question to her son when she didn't like the first answer. It's indicative of someone who will play the circumstances to get what they want, not someone who respects a mother's guidance. That, in tandem with the poor attitude already displayed to the mother of the baby, is enough to be a concern for many people.

(c) If the mother of the baby is concerned, there is already a problem whether she's reasonable or not. Because the baby (and this is something bertrand as a mother of boys does not perhaps pick up on) comes first and needs a relaxed, happy mother, not someone who is tense, worried and gritting her teeth after a 'break'. That's not good for a baby and the potential drop in mothering is in no way outweighed by 'bonding' with a middle aged relative at this stage.

(d) The way she has set up a nursery and is so keen to get what she wants to the point of putting unwelcome pressure on her DIL makes it clear she's looking forward to playing with the baby more than meeting the new family's needs. Understandable enthusiasm but there is no place for pandering to it if you don't trust the child person applying the pressure. Setting up a whole other nursery with no encouragement from the DIL is worrying, especially when you're dealing with someone who is already manipulative. It seems like the MIL has a plan for how she wants this to be and that comes before respecting very simple, reasonable desires in other people, such as wanting it to be a given that you will be taking your own baby home in your own car at the end of the evening, with no pressure to act otherwise. That is ridiculous behaviour and would make anyone back off.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 22:18

Sounds like MIL has tried with you OP but no matter what she does you don't like it because you don't like her.

Sounds like you've got a good baby though OP! All the time you've spent on here today arguing your case. Has he been asleep all day?

IrmaFayLear · 27/07/2018 22:20

May I recommend The Little House by Philippa Gregory, OP? I think it would be your absolute best book ever ...

heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 22:21

Breastfed babies often do prefer the mother because she is providing food. That's not an awful thing to say. It's just how it is

Did you miss the part where she also mooed?

LoveInTokyo · 27/07/2018 22:23

Maybe she was suggesting that the OP is a cow in the other sense.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/07/2018 22:29

I can understand the lunch thing if your concerned her and the aunt are going to gang up on you but personally I might accept the invite and say I was bringing my mother.

The early years thing would bug me and in all my time going to baby type groups I’ve pretty much exclusively seen baby and one caregiver or you get the occasional time when a family show up with extended family it usually doesn’t happen again most of these places are fairly limited space wise.
Oh and I prefer my MIL to my own mother despite the fact that my MIL routinely bursts in on me naked with no warning in her haste to get to the baby. (I have adults and tinies who are my children)

TheBigFatMermaid · 27/07/2018 22:29

For what it's worth, I think you are right not to use her for childcare. You would be very silly to give in to this.

Many, many times, I have seen threads on here where the MIL has been doing something against the mothers wishes when looking after a child. They all get told stop using them for free child care then! OP, you are just skipping all this bullshit, because you can see what will happen!

Lynne1Cat · 27/07/2018 22:31

The mother of my grandchildren is like you (thankfully my son split with her and they weren't married). She never once allowed me or my husband to push the pram, give a bottle to, or even hold the 1st baby (now 7 yrs old), never mind babysitting (we never bothered to ask as we knew it'd be no). She was, and still is, a hateful bitch with a massive chip on her shoulder. She made my son's life with her a misery (and is still difficult with him) all because she didn't like him and the rest of our family being close-knit - we included her in everything though.

You sound bitter, mean, selfish and difficult. Your kids will not thank you for being like that.

heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 22:31

LoveInTokyo Maybe her child doesn't need that kind of toxic contempt for mum in their little life.

LoveInTokyo · 27/07/2018 22:34

I was being facetious. Not particularly inclined to trust the OP on the mooing thing anyway, since she drip fed it in after people failed to be sufficiently outraged about her MIL having the temerity to want to spend time with her grandchild and give them kisses and baths.

heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 22:35

lovein Well, once you start choosing which bits of the thread to believe we might as well all go home, eh.

Bouncingbelle · 27/07/2018 22:35

Dear god, I've never read anything as horrible and depressing in my life! Poor MIL having her son marry someone like you OK, tho to be honest, why he doesn't stand up to you I don't know. When you have a baby with someone, this baby becomes part of BOTH families. My MIL is not my favourite person but does she adore my son? Yes! So when she visits (about every 6 weeks due to distance), I make a point of letting her get involved with #bathtime, take him out in the pram on her own, give him a bottle etc. Because she LOVES him, and involving his mother makes my DP happy as well. And hopefully in the long term my son will benefit from having a relationship with his granny.
Having your poor child in full time childcare instead of one day a week with each set of grandparents is so so sad.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/07/2018 22:36

OP, you might as well give up on this thread. There are some people who think that once you've had a baby, you owe people your time and what you actually want is of no significance anymore.

Feb2018mumma · 27/07/2018 22:39

This thread seems to get worse as the day goes on! End of the day there's a 6 month old breastfed baby who sees his paternal grandma once a week (4 times a month). The mum only wants to see her MIL with her husband and doesnt want to leave baby with her yet! How is everyone acting like she's evil!! She is venting to us but doesn't talk about MIL to husband and puts up with being made fun of ect and still sees the woman once a week! She's doing good! As someone who has a 5 month old breastfed baby and a MIL who has been cruel, I think she is doing well. Maintaining these weekly visits that seem to be requested by lots of MILs (you never see a mum of girls forcing visits weekly on here) it is hard work, especially when you are basically just in the way for them and they would ideally like your baby and your milk and you at home out the way!

LoveInTokyo · 27/07/2018 22:41

And there are also a lot of people who believe that once you’ve had a baby yes OK it’s a great thing to do but literally everyone’s mother did it, it doesn’t make you special you don’t owe anyone anything.

When you have a child with someone you are adding to both your families and joining both your families. The default position should be that you try to be at least respectful and make an effort, unless the person is genuinely toxic and you have given them a chance but it hasn’t worked.

Clearly not the case here.

The OP sounds pretty toxic but poor MIL can’t avoid her if she wants to have a relationship with her son and grandchild.

SalemBlackCat · 27/07/2018 22:42

"Have you tried to undermine their marriage by asking one person a question and then turning around and asking the other when you didn’t get the response you wanted?"

That is not nice, but it hardly means she is a bad grandmother. Have you both tried speaking to her about her asking you something then asking your husband something?

"Have you made jokes about the mother of your grandchild being a cow and how the baby only likes her as a food source?"

Again, maybe not nice, but it is just a joke, not a hanging offence. It doesn't mean she cannot be a good grandmother to your son.

"Have you set up a nursery at your home expecting to be the full time child minder?"

I actually think that's sweet that she thought enough of you and her grandson to do that for him. I think it is a very thoughtful of her. But you don't like her and are blinded by your obsessive hatred of her so you cannot see anything nice in anything she does.

"Do you have a daughter who is also bsc and would want nothing more than to be a third parent to the baby alongside yourself?"

The daughter is your son's aunt. She just wants to spend time with her nephew. And that is bad, because? How is she bsc? You said she was spoiled. But that doesn't mean she can't be a loving aunt to your son. We all have character flaws. Even you. Your MIL cares too much, and wants to be part of your life. Your SIL is spoiled and bsc but clearly likes seeing her nephew. You come across as selfish, cold, snobby and rather manipulative yourself. You are not perfect.

ElevenSmiles · 27/07/2018 22:47

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SnuggyBuggy · 27/07/2018 22:48

How is the OP mot making an effort when visits 4 times a month?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/07/2018 22:48

bouncing you want to read a bit more. Just the other week we had one poster who was regularly being raped by her husband not that long ago we had one who was trying to protect her child from being around a convicted child sex offender.
Most horrible and depressing thing you have ever read. How sheltered.

LoveInTokyo · 27/07/2018 22:53

The OP has made it very clear that she will only visit with her husband and when there’s a predetermined end time. Otherwise she deliberately makes plans to avoid being free and is already plotting how to get out of spending Christmas with her MIL.

It couldn’t be plainer that she spends the absolute minimum amount of time she can possibly get away with in her MIL’s company and is still trying to find ways to reduce it further.

MIL tries to suggest perfectly nice, innocent things like going for lunch and is repeatedly rebuffed.

If you can’t bring yourself to go for the occasional lunch with your MIL for the sake of family harmony then you seriously need to grow up and get over yourself.

I bet MIL rues the day her dear son ever set eyes on the OP.

ilovepixie · 27/07/2018 22:54

What's wrong with kissing on the lips???

SalemBlackCat · 27/07/2018 22:56

Maybe if you gave her a chance and said yes to lunch, you may find a way to become friends, then some of the things she does she may stop doing. It seems to me that she simply wants to be your friend. That's all. Why not give a go? Give her a chance?

GreenTulips · 27/07/2018 23:03

I actually think that's sweet that she thought enough of you and her grandson to do that for him

Mmmmm taking a baby away from its mother (who's breast feeding) is not in the interest of the child

BlueEyedBengal · 27/07/2018 23:04

I wish I had a m I l and I feel greatly that I am missing out on the input that the relationship she would offer. I am now fed up of this m I l bashing and leaving it at that. Please lighten your attitude to your m I l and I hope your house s and starts to stand up for his mum as he is letting you run all over her. Please look at yourself about why you are the way you are? And perhaps things will improve when it comes to you relationships. Your m I l sounds like she's trying please let her have a tiny chance at least have a great relationship with her g child that's all she wants.

BlueEyedBengal · 27/07/2018 23:05

Husband, I phone and me not getting alone!

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