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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
BobblyBits · 27/07/2018 21:57

Ffs?! She’s not extended family? She’s your husband’s mother?! this is a DIL problem not a MIL problem.

Bluelady · 27/07/2018 21:57

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 21:57

OP you sound an absolute nightmare dare I say. I bet MILs version of events is very different.

BlueEyedBengal · 27/07/2018 21:58

You will probably know how she feels when you get a daughter in law as you sound like a future m I l from hellShock

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 21:58

Blueeyedbengal. We haven’t cut her off. We see her when my husband is free and that amount to maybe four times a month. She does see my child. She just doesn’t get him alone.

OP posts:
BlueEyedBengal · 27/07/2018 21:59

But your mother does???

BobblyBits · 27/07/2018 21:59

Imagine if you tried not to over think things - imagine if you thought kindly. Imagine if you thought the world wasn’t against you. Imagine if you tried to think that there is no way on earth from what you’ve said that your MIL would ever want to harm you. That she loved your child. That if you took a step back and saw how much love she had that you might see the world differently

Lizzie48 · 27/07/2018 22:01

What is sad for me is the hostility in the OP's posts towards her MIL; she appears to be using her baby as a weapon. The MIL does sound difficult, but I kind of suspect they're both as bad as each other.

I don't have a great relationship with my DM, and I'm not at all close to my MIL, but I can see how much my DDs (now 9 and 6) love seeing them both so I would never want to stand in the way of that, even though I find it difficult.

Admittedly it's easier for me as my MIL lives a long way from us so we only see her 3 or 4 times a year and I've learnt to set boundaries with my DM.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 22:02

I choose to spend my mat leave at my moms. If I happen to want to do something I’m already there and she’s able to care for my child.

I have invited mil over maybe four times on my leave. She’s made comments that don’t sit well with me so I don’t feel comfortable with her over unless husband is present.

She tries to confront me about things when he is not here. Ex. Why can’t you meet me and aunt so and so for lunch? Why can’t we come to early years with you. Never does it when husband is present. Only does it when she gets me alone.

OP posts:
LoveInTokyo · 27/07/2018 22:02

Your mother appears to have raised a daughter who is neurotic, paranoid and mean.

Seems odd to think someone who did such an awful job raising you can be trusted to have alone time with the baby but MIL can't.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 22:03

Blue lady. Husband is on holiday so he gets to be on baby duty.

OP posts:
BobblyBits · 27/07/2018 22:04

So she invites you for lunch and asks to come to early years? And that’s terrible? Why are you so afraid of her?! Seriously you need to re-think how you see things.

SalemBlackCat · 27/07/2018 22:05

You're repeating yourself. None of those points are that bad that they deserve a person not liking them. You have yet to give an actual real reason. While a couple of those ^are* annoying, they aren't cardinal sins. Maybe caring too much, which is not bad in itself. Again, you are very very cold and judgemental, and appear antisocial imo.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 22:05

I don’t want to have lunch with her? I don’t want her around when I’m at early years - that’s baby and me time.

OP posts:
BlueEyedBengal · 27/07/2018 22:06

That sound totally normal questions from close family to me. This is her grandchild she just wants to love and these are normal thing she wants from you, just to be treated the same not better than your mum, just the same. This is not bad behaviour.

Bluelady · 27/07/2018 22:08

Assuming this is on the level (which I very much doubt), would anyone else love to hear MiL's side of this?

BobblyBits · 27/07/2018 22:08

OP have you thought about speaking to your health visitor or GP. These are not things that should wind you up or bother you so much. The world/your MIL isn’t against you: don’t get so sad and worried. She’s not difficult she’s just trying.

She’s not a bad person.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/07/2018 22:12

I’m a grandparent I’m also a MIL and yes I am extended family to my grandchildren.

The parents are and should be the ones specifying How the children are treated and when if ever they wish overnights to occur.

With my children my job is to prepare them as best as I can for the world then stand back and let them get on with it. And that includes them parenting.

Nobody’s cutting anybody out a weekly visit is a good amount of time regardless of how many visits the ops mother has, it is not a competition and no you don’t have to distribute a child equally they are not cakes.

If I ridiculed the mothers of my grandchildren breastfeeding by mooing or implying that’s the only reason they wanted their mother, or tried to manipulate situations and undermine by asking one parent when the other has said no insisted on kissing their baby on the lips or furnished a nursery in my home despite being told not to and being given no indication I would need it I would compleatly expect to be disliked.

And I’ve never felt the need to bath any of them without being directly asked to. They may be my grandchildren but they are still someone else’s child.

IrmaFayLear · 27/07/2018 22:14

If this is true, then OP gets the award for the nastiest posts ever seen on MN. And I've seen a few...

I didn't like mil much. But the OP takes it to a new level with such horrible vitriol. And the mil's offences are so minor! Buying stuff to use at her house! Fgs!

I think the OP has worked herself up into a ball of anger about the mil (possibly egged on by her own dm) and now really hates her. I can imagine that the dh is trapped in the middle and doesn't want to antagonise OP further by pressing his dm's cause.

My dsis was like this with her mil. The poor woman was absolutely inoffensive but dsis just wanted her eliminated. Bil went along with all of it.... and then he didn't. When he left her one of the reasons was her years of spouting poison about his mother.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 22:14

Needsasockamnesty. I wish my mil could learn from you 🙌

OP posts:
Lightshines · 27/07/2018 22:17

OP, I was trying to make the point that your MIL may be acting with the best of intentions and may be feeling baffled by your behaviour. Try to see things from her side.
Without a proper conversation between you, it will be hard for either of you to see the other's point of view.
For the sake of your child, maybe you should try to understand your MIL and her behaviour. And help her to understand your preferences around caring for your son. Its a 2-way situation.

IrmaFayLear · 27/07/2018 22:17

I don’t want to have lunch with her? I don’t want her around when I’m at early years - that’s baby and me time.

Oh, come on! This can't be true.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/07/2018 22:17

Breastfed babies often do prefer the mother because she is providing food. That's not an awful thing to say. It's just how it is

It’s a really mean thing to say directly to a parent who wants to believe that their baby loves them. It’s minimising a parental relationship

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 22:17

Irma. I don’t speak ill of mil to my husband. I DO tell him when she has crossed a line. Sometimes he agrees sometimes he doesn’t.

I’ve learned to anticipate her moves. So I just make plans to keep my family busy so we can limit when we see her. Or if she suggests we get together I make sure we have plans later on so there’s a definite end time to the visit (2-3 hours)

Mil is already discussing Christmas because she wants to lock us down like usual. We spend Xmas morning at her place but this year that will not be the case.

OP posts:
BobblyBits · 27/07/2018 22:17

I give up!