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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
HollyGibney · 27/07/2018 20:47

Bertrand you can keep on stating factually that there are no reasons for this but others see them, you don't for whatever reason eg perhaps you just don't have any experience of this kind of thing in family relationships, which is a good thing I suppose except your repetitive insistence that there is absolutely NO issue here just shuts down the discussion really because what else can anyone say except "yes there is"? Unless of course you're using that tactic of yours where you force people to keep on and on explaining themselves even when they already done so quite adequately until they tire of it, give up and then you can feel like you won. I see you do that a lot. No doubt you'll bark instructions to explain and support this claim like you did last time we had a similar discussion (name change). I will reply to you if I feel like it and won't if I don't.

LeighaJ · 27/07/2018 20:48

Stormi12

"Powerless. She has rights? Lol. Yah I don’t think so."

Well they're certainly working on it.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44028473

We already have them in the states which kept my charming sister from continuing to restrict access to her children as a power play with my Mom.

SharronNeedles · 27/07/2018 20:50

Snuggy why does the mother have more of a say?

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 20:51

Leigha. A judge would laugh in her Face if she tried as she sees us 4 times a month.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 27/07/2018 20:54

heartsease68

If you read my first post you will see I am agreeing OP should not let MIL provide childcare if she doesnt want to. Why should she have to?

But there is a difference between full time childcare and letting her have DC for a few hours alone occasionally, as her mother does. I still don’t understand OP saying MIL is “entitled”. No, a 6 month old baby doesn’t NEED grandparents, but who actually wants to prevent a grandparent who loves the child from spending time with them, barring actual concerns? Concerns that aren’t “they got carried away and bought too much baby stuff”. My own mother bought wayyyyyy too much baby stuff for her place for my DS, that she knows she will probably never get the chance to use due to her always visiting us and her having bought stuff for newborns when he can’t be alone with her whilst I’m feeding. I don’t think that’s weird or entitled, it makes me happy how happy she is about my child, and how excited she is about his existence. As a PP said, her baby is your husband. She will love him and your child a lot. Let her!

crispysausagerolls · 27/07/2018 20:55

But also just to add grandparents don’t have rights and shouldn’t have rights either, and it’s highly unlikely they ever will due to the huge legal complications those rights would create. It IS OP’s choice, but her DH should be allowed to factor in on that. I just think it’s a bit harsh.

SandyY2K · 27/07/2018 20:56

In most cases children will see maternal GPs more than the paternal ones, even if the Mum likes the MIL ...because she's closer to her own mum.

In a case where she doesnt like the MIL... there's no chance MIL will see the GC as much when mum is on maternity leave.

Expecting equal time is unrealistic.

I understand the moo comment. My Dsis MIL said something similar to sis. Baby only cries for you because you have her food. It's not a nice thing to say.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/07/2018 21:05

My brother lives in another country - my parents see my nephew once or twice a year. Every week would be lovely, so OP's mil doesn't know she's born if dlshe's whinging about that! My sil's mum sees my nephew every week but you don't hear my folks complsining snd drmanding equal access - for that to happen my brother would have to live mid way over the Atlantic! Sometimes things aren't equal and they are unlikely to be if ILs undermine one of the parents.

Moussemoose · 27/07/2018 21:10

Breastfed babies often do prefer the mother because she is providing food. That's not an awful thing to say. It's just how it is.

My cat prefers my DP because he feeds him.

careerandfam · 27/07/2018 21:14

I think you sound anawful person trying to stop what sounds like a loving grandparent spending time with her grandchild. I can understand not wanting them to do ft childcare but not letting them give their grandchild a bath? I think you have some serious issues. You make it sound like she's asked to take them to mars not give them a bath! Obviously you don't like her and are trying to justify it.

Cornishclio · 27/07/2018 21:15

Sad that a baby should be the source of so much conflict within a family when it should be a joy. You at least are visiting your MIL or presumably PIL with your son and husband so have not cut them out of your life but I have learnt over the years that sometimes you have to compromise for the sake of your children. From the sound of it though you don't like her and don't trust her so any childcare arrangement with her wont work. If she is downright rude to you I am not sure why she would think you would be more willing to let her look after your son and I feel very sorry for your DM who you trust to look after your son but are not using her for childcare so as not to upset your MIL. I think I would have had your DM do one day and for the sake of family relations let your MIL have him one day on the understanding she does not undermine you and you both try and work on a better relationship for your husband and sons sake.

I look after my DGD1 one day a week for my daughter and her husband and my son in laws parents also do one day childcare and she goes to nursery the other three days although only for 6 hours a day. We will do the same for DGD2 when my daughter returns to her part time job from December. It works well for all of us but we do respect boundaries and appreciate that they are not our children so don't undermine the parents decisions. It is nice for our DGD not to be in nursery every day as she gets a variety of different childcare and for 2 days she gets to spend time with both sets of grandparents.

iamyourequal · 27/07/2018 21:18

CherryPavlova

Compromise, for goodness sake. Start being kinder to your child’s grandmother....
Could you not allow grannies one day a week? Save money, build relationships rather than destroy them and be so much better for the baby.
She’s overbearing and pushy because you’re pushing her away. You don’t come across as particularly pleasant or kind.

I know my mum loathed my MIL but as a GP she adored me and had a hugely positive impact on my life. Have a heart OP, I think you sound near cruel in your contempt for MIL.

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 27/07/2018 21:20

You're using her grandchild as an expression of your dislike for her. Urgh.

Lightshines · 27/07/2018 21:25

AIBU to feel upset about my DIL's behaviour?

My DS and DIL have a 6-month old baby boy who is the apple of our eye. We would love to help out by looking after him and have offered childcare whenever they want it. But our DIL rejects all our offers.
I cannot understand what we have done to offend her. I understand new mums might worry about their child not being cared for, but we have bought new things (crib, high chair etc) to try and reassure her that he will be properly looked after when he is with me.
I want to cuddle my grandson, take him to the park, have fun bath times and show him off to my friends! Is that so bad?
I'd love to play a part in my grandsons life, but DIL will only visit when my DS and she bring the baby over together. But not very often, about 4 times a month. I don't think that's much for a new granny to be with her grandson.
I don't believe I am overbearing, I just love my grandson and want to bond with him while he is a baby.
I've tried expressing my concerns to our DS, but to no avail. DIL still makes excuses when I offer to babysit. I can't work it out - after all, I did raise the man she has chosen to spend her life with, so I can't be that bad around baby boys.
I feel so sad about the situation. AIBU?

chillpizza · 27/07/2018 21:29

So because of biology the op should hand her baby over for unsupervised time despite the fact she doesn’t like or trust someone. Even though that person still gets to spend time with them.

Because you sure as hell wouldn’t be caking her mean for not handing over her baby to a friend/work college/nursery she didn’t trust for unsupervised time.

Frankly it’s weird the mil kisses her adult son on the lips, wants to kids a baby on the lips, wants to have unsupervised visits so she can bath the baby. Unless a baby is actually dirty nobody but the parents needs to give an infant in a bath. Way too touchy feely and demanding alone time if she was a man people would be warning about how sexual abuse is more likely to happen from family members than strangers.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 21:33

Lightshines

Have you tried to undermine their marriage by asking one person a question and then turning around and asking the other when you didn’t get the response you wanted?

Have you made jokes about the mother of your grandchild being a cow and how the baby only likes her as a food source?

Have you set up a nursery at your home expecting to be the full time child minder?

Do you have a daughter who is also bsc and would want nothing more than to be a third parent to the baby alongside yourself?

Just a few questions to clarify

OP posts:
Bluelady · 27/07/2018 21:42

This reply has been deleted

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SnuggyBuggy · 27/07/2018 21:45

A baby is carried by their mother for 9 months and if breastfed is dependent on them for food. You can't make biology equal. It's irrelevant anyway as the OP and her partner are on the same page.

My response to that hypothetical granny's post would be that the baby is only 6 months and to give it time.

Not to mention that 4 times a month with mum and dad is a hell of a lot more than many grandparents get.

BertrandRussell · 27/07/2018 21:48

Jesus Christ, the woman's a paedophile now!

Lots of families do the lip kissing thing. Not wierd if that's what you do. And "touchy feely"? Seriously? She's his ^grandmother"!

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 21:50

It’s weird if I say it’s weird. She can go kiss her husband on the lips. Leave my family
Out of it. And no she is not family family; she is extended family.

OP posts:
21stCenturyMrsBennett · 27/07/2018 21:51

Your family? I think you will find her own son is HER family, and was long before he was yours.
A man's mother is not extended family, and your whole stinking attitude is summed up by that concept.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 21:52

OP the things you keep saying do not appear to be bad enough for you to hate her like you evidently do.

LoveInTokyo · 27/07/2018 21:54

It’s weird if I say it’s weird. She can go kiss her husband on the lips. Leave my Family Out of it. And no she is not family family; she is extended family.

Christ, you sound like hard work.

FYI, your MIL is very much your husband's family and your child's family, and since you married your husband, she is your family too.

Unless you believe that when your child grows up and marries someone and has a child of their own, you will no longer be their family, but their "extended family".

How frickin' precious can you get?

BlueEyedBengal · 27/07/2018 21:55

As a mum of 5 sons I am reading these m I l threads with horrorShock. Is this how a mother of sons is treated by d I l's? Is it ? I really feel sorry for your m i l to be treated so different to your mum, to made feel like a second class gran. Where is her son in this?letting you treat his mother, the women that brought him up into the man you married like this. I would want a m il like her but mine died when my husband was 18. Really this treat can't be true you must be totally heartlessHmm

BlueEyedBengal · 27/07/2018 21:56

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