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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 16:13

pottery lady
This is not sweeties the OP is sharing out. She is not denying the MIL a relationship with her grandchild by any means (many, many grandparents don't see their grandchildren nearly so often and have a wonderful relationship!). This is about the child. It is in the child's interests that first and foremost, the care is consistent. That means doing it the way mummy does it, especially at this age. Also important is the need for a baby's mum to be relaxed and happy. If she's having a break from her child, it needs to be a proper break where she's not worrying about her baby. Otherwise, it the child who ends up with a less rested, more anxious parent.

This is not coming at the cost of a relationship between her child and MIL at all because she is also setting up opportunities for them to be together. There is no need for them to be on their own in the room.

I cannot see anything happening here that would be causing serious distress or hardship to a mature adult who cared about the baby most of all. It's a pity the MIL has made herself a burden by being manipulative and making assumptions about how she would get to 'play' with another woman's baby but that was, at the end of the day, her choice. She is not going to be denied the chance to be a grandmother - not if she's already being visited weekly.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 16:13

Potterylady.

Yes my mom gets more time. But I am on leave and I choose to spend time with her during this time. It won’t be like this once I return to work.

OP posts:
chillpizza · 27/07/2018 16:15

Maybe if the op enjoyed spending time with the mil she would spend more time with her but she doesn’t so she sees her once a week. She’s not stopping a relationship between gp and gc. Babies are sweeties to be shared out equally. Presumably op spent more time with her mum before the baby arrived than she did with mil too.

chillpizza · 27/07/2018 16:16

Babies are not.

That should say.

lapenguin · 27/07/2018 16:17

I was all on board until you said you see your mum three times a week and often leave your child with her for a few hours alone.
Honestly I don't see why you can't leave them for two hours alone, they could go to the park or something then you know she won't bathe him.
And this is coming from someone who was like you once upon a time. It isn't fair on her. I wouldn't want my sons partner to treat me like that so I changed how I acted.
Also what's wrong with saying you were expecting her first grand baby? Like isn't that actually factual... You were... Your child is her grandchild...

Anonymumm · 27/07/2018 16:17

I'm not surprised your MIL is appearing competitive, you see your Mum 3 times a week and leave baby with her - your MIL a little over that per month, and don't leave the baby with her - it's not fair - could you not leave baby with her at least one of these times a month? Go out with your DH for lunch, or a walk around the block?

Having said that, sounds like this is a 'lasagne' - a lot more layers to it, than what the original post holds.

I hope you find a positive and constructive way to move forward for all of your sakes.

BertrandRussell · 27/07/2018 16:28

I am sill finding it difficult to see what the mil has done wrong. Or what the OP wants from this thread.

Feb2018mumma · 27/07/2018 16:34

Reading more posts on this thread and all these... Poor MIL loved bathing her child and should bathe her grandchildren PFFF this baby is 6 months old! My little one is 5 months and I look forward to bath time! Why should we as parents have to forgo things with our own children because our MIL miss it?!? Did mil have to let her MIL do bath time because she missed it? Also... Obviously OP sees her mum more! If husband was a stay at home dad would everyone expect him to meet up with his MIL as much as his own mum? NO! She sees this woman who talks about her behind her back and complains about how she raised her child once a week! That is more than enough! It makes me so mad! Before baby was born and she saw her own mother did she have to see her MIL that week too?? It makes me so angry!! We aren't just baby carriers! We are people who need our mums more than our husbands mum!

heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 16:43

feb I agree. And I expect most of these MILs would never expect their own daughters to visit their mums less in order to make sure they saw their MILs for exactly the same amount of time! The thing is, your mum usually wants to see you as well as the baby. That's a very different thing to leaving baby with a MIL who doesn't really want you past the doorstep.

gillybeanz · 27/07/2018 16:45

Poor woman, maybe your dh can take your child round to see them more often, three times a week sounds about fair.
Gosh my mil has her moments but i wouldn't think of denying her access to her grandchildren on her own.
Does your mum spend time with your child on her own?
If I was your dh, I'd just take the child round myself and sod you.

BertrandRussell · 27/07/2018 16:46

It's a completely baffling thread. The OP frequently leaves the baby to be looked after by her own mother. Why can't she occasionally let her MIL look after him/her? She hasn't said why she is so opposed to the idea.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 16:48

Because she doesn't like her BertrandRussell.

gillybeanz · 27/07/2018 16:50

I wonder if in years to come your child's spouse will favour their mum and want to leave you out, because you've proved to be mean spirited?
Your grandchild won't see much of you and never on your own, of course not, because your dc partner doesn't like you.
of course the other granny will get alone time and visits 3 times a week.

Good luck OP, you reap what you sow.

Laiste · 27/07/2018 16:58

Yep, MIL is reaping what she's sown too.

It's interesting how this thread is basically 50/50. Strong opinions on both sides.

HollyGibney · 27/07/2018 17:03

We aren't just baby carriers! We are people who need our mums more than our husbands mum!

Agree.

21stCenturyMrsBennett · 27/07/2018 17:05

men need their mums more than their wifes mum, but if wife hates mum, its tough luck isn't it?

Hope OP's kid is not a boy....

SalemBlackCat · 27/07/2018 17:06

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BertrandRussell · 27/07/2018 17:08

"Yep, MIL is reaping what she's sown too.

It's interesting how this thread is basically 50/50. Strong opinions on both sides."
I don't see how anyone can have a strong opinion. We have no information.

Seeinthedark · 27/07/2018 17:11

I think putting your child in nursery is probably the best idea as family childcare can be a nightmare if it all goes tits up. When I was on maternity leave, my mil volunteered to have ds one day and take him to a baby group. The business I worked for shut down and we agreed I would stay off. She has never mentioned it since.

My mum also volunteered for the other three days but seemed happy when I told her I wouldn't be returning to work. She later said she didn't think she would be able to cope even though she came up with the idea Confused

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 17:11

Do you think the key to DILs letting their MILs have "alone time" with their children is to not ever ask? So that they feel they have the control?

I'm just baffled by this topic that comes up so often. Saying that I ask to have my GC but DIL will also ask me too. We don't play games and give and take I guess.

SheldonandPenny · 27/07/2018 17:16

You don't like your MIL, you feel she is possessive and you dislike that she expects to continue a close relationship with her son, as she has with her daughter. You don't like her and so you want to limit contact with her. This limitation then extends to your first child, her first grandchild.

Limiting her access to your child won't make your child like or love her less. Generally speaking, children's lives are enriched by having adults around them who genuinely love them. This may be hard on you, especially if you have intimacy barriers that are triggered by close relationships, or human interactions that are not on your terms. From what you've explained, your expectations of a loving family are different from MIL/DH/SIL. You have owned that. This doesn't mean they are wrong or that you are. It does mean that your feelings need to be owned by you. It is you who are finding closeness with wider family intolerable. It isn't that any of their behaviours would be considered unhealthy, unsafe or dangerous. You just don't like them for your own reasons. Is this enough to limit your child's relationship with his gran? S/he may resent you in the future, if you do limit them. Grandparents don't last as long as you might think. Your DH may also resent you, it's his DM after all..

You are part of two wider families and you are choosing to distance yourself from one of them. Your child will still be part of their clan. Your child will see that and feel that. They will also see and feel that you have a problem with this. This is likely to confuse them at best. How will they understand the message that you will be generating?

We all make accommodations and compromises with people in our lives. You have boundaries and that's fine. But be clear, it is very very natural for grandmothers to want to play a part in their gcs lives. If this is a problem it needs to be managed by you, because it is your problem. Tolerance, empathy and understanding are probably something you will expect from your child. It needs to be modelled first.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 17:19

Great duck. You’re right. I don’t like her. She has been overbearing and intrusive. I let my husband deal with her - she calls him, he gives information, pictures etc and I am in no way obligated to entertain her on my own.

I keep my family in the loop. He does the same for his. I see my family more because I am on leave. I will not spend my leave with someone who tries to undermine me.

OP posts:
diddl · 27/07/2018 17:20

"men need their mums more than their wifes mum, but if wife hates mum, its tough luck isn't it?"

Why?

Can't he also ake decisions, visit his mum?Hmm

choli · 27/07/2018 17:22

I am certain would do things to piss me off (like kiss baby on the lips, bathe him, take him to visit all her friends)

I can't imagine getting worked up about any of those perfectly normal behaviours. But hey, if it give you what you want (a reason to stick it to your MIL) go for it.

RandomUsernameHere · 27/07/2018 17:22

Completely agree with you OP, it's baffling that so many people don't see the logic behind what you're saying.

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