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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
diddl · 27/07/2018 14:55

"it's because I can sing silly songs and do silly voices and actions and make my grandson belly laugh without my daughter sitting there watching. "

Why can't you do it with your daughter there?

Do you see your daughter often?

Idk, when my parents visited they didn't go out with the GC without me as they had come to see me as well!

When we visited them often for a weekend I took GC with me as friends I visited also wanted to see them.

We would often pop to do some shopping or have a meal out though & leave them with mum & dad.

Often when we stayed over mum would have the in the morning until we got up.

So she did get "alone" time-but it just gradually happened.

It was never demanded & I think that that's the difference.

JennieLee · 27/07/2018 15:00

I think demanding 'alone time' is a bit off.

If you see somebody making a good relationship with the baby and behaving in a trustworthy way, then leaving the baby with them - for short periods at first and then a bit longer - is natural.

But when somebody comes in and says well I'm their grandparent so it is my right to do this and that, it does rather get things off on the wrong foot...

GreenTulips · 27/07/2018 15:02

The baby isn't just yours, it's your DPs child too. If he wants his mum to look after the child then he has just as much right to that as you do with your mum.

He agrees with OP

Who wants a MIL who won't ccept NO for an answer so goes behind DIL back hoping to get a YES? How rude is that?

HarshingMyMellow · 27/07/2018 15:12

@GreenTulips a MIL desperate to have some one-to-one contact with her grandchild? The trust is there for OPs mum (even going as far as to use her as backup CM) but not for her partners mum.

I'm really trying to get my head around what's so bad with her wanting to give her GC a bath or show him off to friends..
I'm so glad I've got a daughter, MILs seem to get the roughest end of the deal.

GreenTulips · 27/07/2018 15:16

I don't think it's the one to one time so much, more the continual pushing for it to happen.

OP doesn't want her to have the child ..... because deep down she knows she'll just be opening herself up to more criticism, demands and judgment -

If I was introduced as 'carry her grandchild' rather than 'my sons wife' I'd be a bit miffed as well - it's just all me me me .... my grandchild .... my house .... I've got a cot .... I want to read the child ....

Why hasn't this woman got a job?

GreenTulips · 27/07/2018 15:18

.... sorry 'I want to bath the child'

She's just powering through her wants and has no thought for DIL feelings at all .....

Sometimes we just know something doesn't feel right .... and the DH must feel the same as he's onboard

missyB1 · 27/07/2018 15:18

I wonder does the OP's partner agree with her, or has he learnt to go along with what she says for a peaceful life? OP certainly sounds very forceful. The problem with this kind of dynamic is one day the passive partner starts to get pissed off with all the compromises they have had to make.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 15:18

My mom doesn’t push boundaries. She asks what we need and follows through accordingly. She never went out and bought a bunch of baby things (like we asked) and I in turn bring what I need when I go over.

Since I’m on leave I see her about 3 times a week and often leave baby in her care while I run errands. I trust her completely to respect my wishes.

And if she doesn’t, I trust we can talk it through and she will adjust to caring for him the way we prefer.

It’s a shame my mil is so competitive - it would be nice to have my mom look after the baby two days a week when I go back to work.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 27/07/2018 15:19

I still don't get by what logic this MIL is hard done by. They haven't gone NC, they visit frequently and it sounds like they have tolerated some very unpleasant behavior.

LadyFlumpalot · 27/07/2018 15:22

Have you done the maths? Putting aside your dislike for the moment, a full time childminder around these here parts costs roughly £8.5-9k per year and I live in the sticks. I imagine you'd add another couple of thousand onto that for a nursery or in a city.

That's £9k a year you could save yourselves if you were willing to reach a mature compromise with your PIL. 9 thousand pounds...

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 15:30

Greentulips. Mil and my mom are both retired

Flumpalot. 10k is the price I will pay to avoid any entanglement with mil. Give an inch take a mile. She will act like a co-parent and I am not okay with that.

OP posts:
chillpizza · 27/07/2018 15:30

I don’t understand and never will the demand for alone time. Why what are you going to do with my child that you wouldn’t infront of me? When children are older and can ask to go to nannies sure, if it’s mutualy convenient sure but the strange demand for some one on one nah.

JennieLee · 27/07/2018 15:30

I also think that while babies benefit from being held and loved, there is something a bit queasy about someone demanding the right to kiss a baby's mouth and to handle their naked body.

With the latter obviously if a mother or father says, 'I'm knackered - if you could give X their bath,' its another matter.

It's not as if one can't just hold babies and cuddle them in other ways...

SilverPartyShoes · 27/07/2018 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beingthere · 27/07/2018 15:34

SilverPartyShoes Do you regret your marriage because of his family?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 15:37

What boundaries do you think MIL would push if she looked after your baby?

toastytea · 27/07/2018 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cranberrymoon · 27/07/2018 15:46

It's a deep regret that my mum isn't really involved with my children. She has seen my nearly 1 year old twice since he was born. She has moved 5 hours away. Sadly my older child loves to see her. My pil love seeing the kids and babysit and help when the can but don't live close.
I'd rather be in your position than in mine. YABU

heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 15:46

Don't use your baby as a weapon to beat her with op.

Hysterical pearl clutching Hmm

She's taking the baby over there once a week. That is plenty.

PotteryLady · 27/07/2018 15:49

I imagine she want alone time because your mom has alone time - she feels pushed out. She may be trying to show you she can cope by buying all the baby stuff. I know she sounds annoying but she is your husbands mom and she feels left out.

Singlenotsingle · 27/07/2018 15:50

I'm glad I've got a lovely and gracious ddil who is only too happy when I offer to look after her 5 year old. You're just unpleasant. Old Indian saying "it takes a village to raise a child,".

Beingthere · 27/07/2018 15:50

"I know she sounds annoying but she is your husbands mom and she feels left out."

So? The OP feels bullied.

MIL has had her turn at being mummy.

heartsease68 · 27/07/2018 15:52

Saying you 'need' alone time with a baby is ridiculous. A baby doesn't know this stranger is their grandparent. There is no reason why it should have to happen unless it is supportive to the primary caregiver. It's not a right. I don't know where grandparents get this sense of entitlement from. Later on when children are 4/5, I can understand that it might be easier to chat to them if they're on their own.

PotteryLady · 27/07/2018 16:06

You should treat your mom the same and then she wouldn't Moan - your mom sees your son 3 times a week and has him on her own and mil get 4 times a month supervised.

RandomUsernameHere · 27/07/2018 16:07

People saying the OP is being unpleasant obviously have no experience of having an overbearing MiL...
OP, you are not being mean or unpleasant at all. Your MiL is not entitled to "one on one" time with your DC if you don't want her to have it.