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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
Beingthere · 27/07/2018 12:36

Or, it may wreck your life because she does things you don’t want her to do.

Stick to your guns OP, your baby, your rules.

Cheerbear23 · 27/07/2018 12:40

I’ve not read the updates since early on, but my MIL has taken my DS to the cinema to watch a kiddie film I would hate, has infinite patience to play games, bake all day and buy them little gifts. She’s also kitted a bedroom out and is having him overnight a couple of times in the school holidays. Honestly don’t cut your nose off to spite your face! One day you may well need her help.

Bluelady · 27/07/2018 12:41

"Wreck your life". Oh, the drama. How anyone can call the MiL on this thread controlling with a straight face is beyond me. How much more controlling could anyone be than OP?

LimpLettice · 27/07/2018 12:42

I wrote a long post and lost it but in essence, yanbu. Your DH was brought up by her and is on the same page, he will know better than strangers. 6 months is very young to insist on overnight, mouth kissing is an infection risk, and what is the obsession with alone time? 4 visits a month is lovely, but MIL IBU to insist on full time childcare. I had this with ex MIL, and it was 100% about playing mummy and alienating us. It worked on all her other GC, and she loathes me for digging my heels in. Ex and his DBro regret not pushing back, I assure you, especially Ex who has been pushed out with his other DC to a massive extent. There are some lovely MILs out there; she might not be one of them...

NotAnotherHeffalump · 27/07/2018 13:09

Could you not try a bit of maturity and compromise. For example if DC is only allowed a bath every other day and MIL is very keen to bathe him, suggest to MIL that she comes over and gives your son a bath when he hasn't had one the previous day. Or you could even let him spend 2/3 hours at her house, she could bath him and you and your DH could go out for dinner to a near by restaurant. Would that be truly awful?

FASH84 · 27/07/2018 13:13

We don't all hate our MILs mine had just retired specifically so she can be available for childcare when I go back to work. We get on really well. DH is an only child so I get why any children of ours will be important to her and is nice for children to have relationships with their grandparents. I only have two left but we're close and I have lots of find childhood memories of being with them and even going on holiday with them in the summer holidays.

FASH84 · 27/07/2018 13:23

OP with your situation if you have her a little you'd be more reasonable, a few hours so you and DH can have some you time, make sure it's on a bath day etc, let her have some fun and a relationship with her grandchild and she might back off a bit, she keeps asking because she has no time to bond with baby, that's her son's son too

mavydoes · 27/07/2018 13:27

Kinda have same issue with my PIL.

I'm a bad mother, she actually said to my parents I was neglecting my daughter and sending her development backwards - she is always right and we have to follow her rules etc.

Told her to go take a flying fuck.

She's always getting on at us but never her other son and daughter in law (both work while hubby works and I'm SAHM).

Your child your rules.

If an environment is toxic and you don't trust them then just keep to family visits you can control

Good luck!

moanykids18 · 27/07/2018 13:27

Woman wants to spend time with her son and grandchild....what a bitch hey?

Hmm
JennieLee · 27/07/2018 13:28

In my case compromise didn't really work. My father wanted to visit every third weekend. This involved him travelling about 3 hours each way. I think the trouble partly was that he was a really awkward guest. He didn't just muck in and help out. He wasn't interested in my husband or my stepchildren. He just wanted to take my daughter away for walks and spend time being completely focused on her and nobody else. We did suggest that he came ever four weeks, because we felt that that way we'd be able to get a balance between looking after him and looking after everybody else. (We were trying hard not to disrupt my stepchildren's routine because their mum had assured them we wouldn't care about them after my daughter had born. And my father certainly didn't care about them.) But at that point he said that we were trying to come between him and his grand daughter, and basically sulked. He said he wouldn't eat at our house because we'd made him so unwelcome. My mother came and he'd spend the day wandering round the shops in the nearby city instead.

freddofrogsareyum · 27/07/2018 13:29

Your mil just sounds like a very excited grandmother to be fair. I would personally look for a compromise. It is not unreasonable for her to want to spend one on one time and bond with her grandchild. Maybe start with leaving her with baby for half an hour while you pop out, or let her take baby upstairs for a bath while you’re downstairs (on his bath night obvs). Make your boundaries very clear (eg no kissing on mouth, no taking out or whatever it is) but give her at least some time with baby and she might back off a little.

Ps. Personally I do not understand choosing to put a baby in full time nursery over at least having some care from grandparents who love the child but then that’s your call.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 27/07/2018 13:30

My MIL is the same. I used to come up with excuses but now, I just say no. She doesn't need a reason, just needs to accept the answer.

hottotrotsky · 27/07/2018 13:49

Your MIL is an archetypal control freak. Keep asking her why she wants all this control. Then keep asking. Rinse and repeat. She had her time in the sun bringing up baby. She can now jog along.

SugarIsAmazing · 27/07/2018 14:14

I am a grandmother to my daughter's son and I see him regularly although very rarely on my own, as my daughter doesn't want to leave him (which I do accept). I'd love to take him out on my own and it's not for any "creepy, scary, toxic" reasons...it's because I can sing silly songs and do silly voices and actions and make my grandson belly laugh without my daughter sitting there watching. So grandparents' reasons for wanting alone time arent sinister!
I hope if my son and daughter in law have a child I'll be as close to their baby as my daughter's.

I'm wondering if a lot of posters on here have grandchildren, as if they do they'd know the love you feel for your child's baby is as overwhelming as the love you felt when your own were born. It must be heartbreaking for the OP's MIL to love her grandson that much but be battling with the mother the whole time.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/07/2018 14:19

Wrt 'wreck your life' being over dramatic. My mil had a very jealous alsation who she refused to see as a threat. When out for walks, I had to stop her pushing the pram in the road rather than the pavement. I caught her letting my toddler play with pill bottles because they rattle when you shake them. Yes, they had child proof lids but children should not associate them with toys!
For these reasons my ILs never had my children totally by themselves and if I had allowed this, I can well see them doing somethibg which could have 'wrecked my life'.
I also dont understand the argument that because they raised your dh, they are capable of minding your baby. Going by my ILs complete lack of judgement, I think it was luck that my dh got to adulthood, rather than superb parenting!
Would also loke yo add that in 20 years, I never needed a childcare favour from my ILs - it's not a given that one day the OP would need them.

Bluelady · 27/07/2018 14:24

Hotto, are we reading the same thread? It's not the MiL who's a control freak.

Original poster
Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 14:32

I just don’t get why she keeps asking for alone time. We make time in the month to visit around 4 times and yet it is never enough. And she is always in my husbands ear about wanting more and I just shut it down.

I think it was her behaviour before the baby and when he was born that has soured me. Before he was born she would say things like “this is my dil who is having my first grand baby” as opposed to my son and dil are expecting their first child. She told us she would be child care rather than ask.

When he was born she whispered concerns about my baby’s development to my husband and it made him panic. Nothing was found to be wrong. She was just meddling like she does to try to sound important. When I don’t give her the answer she wants she goes and asks my husband. I don’t feel like she respects my marriage or knows her place as a mil.

As a result I don’t feel comfortable with her around me. I don’t know what stupid comment she will make. She’s always pushing her daughter on us too; hoping we can “at least be friendly”.

I’ll save the sil details for another post. She is worse than mil and she is always at mils house - so no way I’d let my baby around her alone even though sil is always asking.

OP posts:
LimpLettice · 27/07/2018 14:35

No, some grandparents requirement for alone time isn't sinister, but some is. Especially those who kit out whole nurseries and buy equipment solely for their own use without it being asked for or neccessary. And I think if OPs DH agrees, he is best placed to know how interfering or controlling his own mum is. Doesn't make OP, or her DH control freaks - this is their baby, she has had hers. I think the GP bond is lovely, and important, in most circs. You only have to look at the stately homes threads to see just how many parents have their own agenda.

HollyGibney · 27/07/2018 14:39

OP. You are not in the wrong here. She sounds awful and you are right to stand your ground on this.

For those "terrified" potential MIL among you, don't set up second bedrooms for your grand children, believe you'll be doing full time child care without ever being asked and/or badger your son and his wife for more Alone Time than they're comfortable with and you'll probably be fine. I had a MIL like this and I gave her inches and she really did end up taking miles, peaking on the day my child fell over and as I comforted him she wrenched him from my arms and refused to give him back believing she was needed and more able to comfort than I was.

HarshingMyMellow · 27/07/2018 14:40

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Starlighter · 27/07/2018 14:41

I wish my in laws were as involved as this! I’d bite their hand off for a couple of hours of childcare...

She sounds full on but with her heart is in the right place. I don’t think wanting to take her first gc out or bathing them is unreasonable at all!

It’s nice for children to have a bond with their grandparents. It’s difficult to have special time if you’re aways there (breathing down her neck).

IMO: yes, YABU.

WinterIsComing84 · 27/07/2018 14:44

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SnuggyBuggy · 27/07/2018 14:49

OP 4 times a month is more than a lot of grandparents get. I suspect whatever you do won't ever be good enough for her. Trust your instincts.

Jghijjjoo · 27/07/2018 14:50

Nope, still can't see why she's so unlikeable.
Before he was born she would say things like “this is my dil who is having my first grand baby” as opposed to my son and dil are expecting their first child. This is ridiculous.

She's over enthusiastic maybe, but set boundaries for the big issues and cut the poor woman some slack.
Lots of grandparents buy bits to keep at their home for occasional use. She's excited. She wants to do the childcare but what's wrong with just telling her no.
I feel sorry for her.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt op, maybe you have difficulty setting boundaries. But you should learn. That doesn't mean that its all or nothing. That means finding some middle ground. You are depriving your son from a loving relationship with his GM, because of your dislike for her. That's not fair on him or her.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/07/2018 14:54

When he was born she whispered concerns about my baby’s development to my husband and it made him panic

What were her concerns OP?

From what you've written I still don't think MIL sounds as bad as you feel she is. I'm with you that she shouldn't feel the need to have him overnight but a few hours alone with him won't do anybody any harm as long as she's responsible and cares for him properly.

I can't help feel like you just can't stand her and you're using your son as a way to have top trumps with her.