Mil keeps asking and asking

[Stormi12]

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

These posts worry me !!! I hope when my son gets married and I end up being a MIL she doesn't hate me !!!!
My partners mum is lovely !!

Full time childcare is one thing, but do you let her babysit occasionally?

My MIL loves my children fiercely. She is also overbearing. Full time childcare introduces a different dynamic. But babysitting is a good opportunity for you to have a break and also for MIL to bond with her grandchild.

You have much more control when it is babysitting. You should give it a try. You can still stop if you remain uncomfortable.

Also, if you don't like your MIL, arrange for your DH to take the baby over. Let them get on with it.

OP.

You're not hateful or difficult, or anything that some incredibly rude posters here have thrown at you. People love to project based on their own circumstances and their own relationships.

My mum is toxic, and DH's is passive-aggressive and needy, so I know exactly what it's like to have difficult matriarchs in your life. Just because they're mothers doesn't make them into wonderful people.

I also don't buy the "you married their child so yours will turn out fine with them too". DH is damaged in so many ways I didn't know about at first, and neither did he, it took growing older together to see it.

You do what's best for you and yours.

Ignore her.

Ignore the venom here. People just love throwing it out.

siriously

In what way is the OP's mother "toxic"?

Please don't project your own issues onto the OP here. Some mothers, MILs, and indeed daughters and DILs are "toxic". Most are not. The OP has not actually given any examples of "toxic" behaviour. She just doesn't like her MIL. Which is not a good reason for denying her child a close and loving relationship with their grandparents.

If I had such an awful attitude towards my MIL, I doubt my husband would have married me.

Don't use your baby as a weapon to beat her with op. For your dc's sake, let them have a good relationship. She might make a brilliant grandma if you give her half a chance.

I'm not saying give her full childcare, but let her have the odd day, what can it hurt??

Your MIL sounds awful because I also have a MIL who will NOT take no for an answer and keeps on asking and asking and asking and asking, hoping one of us will cave and give her a different answer.

She also lies and will say she will do/won't do something and then does what she wants anyhow, ignoring the wishes of the parent (seen it many times with her looking after SIL's kids).
She thinks she knows best and won't listen.

OP doesn't think physical affection is bad, she doesn't want adults kissing her baby on the mouth. I was advised the same by my Dr, as it is how whooping cough and herpes/coldsore virus are easily transmitted - which can be lethal to babies. Among many other diseases and viruses.

OP and her DH have made the best decision for childcare for THEIR family. Not to suit MIL.

The thing with nursery is that if a carer gets sick, the child can still go. If the carer goes on holiday, the child can still go. If the carer and parent disagree or argue, the child can still go. The carers will listen to the parents requests and follow them even if they personally disagree. Sounds like her MIL would hold it over them.

They already visit at least once a month. There is no need or requirement for OP to have had her MIL look after her 6 month old baby yet, so why are people saying she is awful for not giving any babysitting to MIL. Maybe she doesn't want to leave her baby and maybe just not with MIL.

My MIL will/has never looked after my children. She isn't what I consider capable. She doesn't listen. She only wanted to when they were small to take them and show off to her friends about them. Not to actually look after them as she showed no interest at all if we visited unless other people were there.

Not everyone has nice helpful MIL's. Some MIL's want to help but actually just want to take over, ignore boundaries and be right, be the most important, be the best, be first etc.

Tbh if my ds was married to someone that hated the fact I'm still in his life and that I still love and show affection to him, then i would be concerned for him. It could be viewed as controlling behaviour.

Imagine if a dad was on here saying he didn't want his Mil seeing the baby on her own, and that he hated his wife getting a kiss from her mum, and that he thought it was weird that she still had her mum in her life, and he only let his wife see her mum 4 times a month etc...

We would all be saying what a controlling bastard!!

@LoveInTokyo I didn't call the OPs mum toxic. But mine is.

You're the one projecting.

I also think people are being pretty harsh, OP. I get the whole overbearing new grandma situation.

My MIL has calmed down a hell of a lot now one is nearly 4 and was much more relaxed with DS2 but when DS1 was tiny, her attitude and sense of expectation that we would just hand him over made me anxious. We don’t live particularly nearby, so no expectations of childcare but she too bought a cot, car seats, pushchairs on the assumption we’d (we to include my SIL who had her baby at the same time as ours) merrily hand them over whenever she fancied.

MIL was resentful the babies were bf as it meant there was a solid reason for them not to have overnight visits. The first time she took my niece out, my SIL asked for her to be brought back after an hour. Three hours later and refusing to answer the phone, they eventually rocked up. After that display of lack of insight into how a new mum might feel to have her boundaries trampled over in such a way, I wasn’t going to send mine off with her... she did a couple of short babysitting sessions when he was asleep in the evening which was ok - but I have no idea if it really was as I doubt she’d have told the truth if they were upset.

It’s better now my older boy can talk and shes been over to look after them for a few hours whilst dh and I have gone out.

To pp who have said “well mil raised your husband”, I love my dh to the moon and back but He definitely has some issues as a result of an upbringing with little empathy and warmth. I don’t want their negativity around my boys when I am not there to counteract it.

Hope your MIL calms down soon, OP. Nurseries can be great childcare options, I’ve had mine in 4 and now 3 days a week.

It’s your baby and entirely your choice you don’t need a reason.
My mother gave my daughter herpes when, despite my repeatedly telling her not to kiss my daughter with a cold sore, she did.
My dad always kissed me on the lips. It was horrid & I hated it.
I like my mil but because she never interferes or goes behind my back or tells me what to do. Consequently my mil sees my children a lot more than my mother.
With my pfb I wanted her to have only healthy food for as long as possible so she never had sweets chocolates etc. My mum told me I was mean and my daughter would love chocolates so gave her sweets whenever she could behind my back.
I completely see where you’re coming from.
I agree if she was the childminder she’d assume she could ignore you and do it her own way.
Stick to your plan it’s your baby not hers!
Good luck!

There’s only one person sounding awful on this thread op and it’s not your mother in law!

I completely 'get' the fact that there's a kind of alarm which goes off when somebody wants to take over your baby.

I wasn't a possessive mother. I was happy to pass my baby round and have her held by others. I used to express milk and go out in the evening when she was a few months old.

But my father just did not respect boundaries and always wanted to take over. He wanted to take her out for walks by herself (just the two of them) - and once did that she was 3 months old without asking my permission. (I was having a quick wash) He did things like try to feed her solids when she was just starting to be weaned and wouldn't stop trying to jab the food into her mouth. He would keep on holding her even when she was crying for me. He'd go and lie down next to her in the dark, when I put her down on a bed for a rest. He bought her a large icecream from an ice cream van when she was about 6 months - without asking if she was old enough.

My mother was too weak to stop him doing any of these things. So my partner and I only let him see her when we were both present. He did have regular contact with her, because it seemed important that he had a relationship with her. But he was creepy. He's dead now.

Just ignore everyone trying to judge you by their experiences.

It's your baby, your choice.

The most important advice I was given as a new mum was to trust my instincts, so go ahead and trust yours xx

I didn't call the OPs mum toxic. But mine is.

But what has your mum being toxic got to do with the OP's mum wanting to look after her grandchild?

It's all a little scary, that sweet girl your son brings home to meet you could be your future worst nightmare. Look at the claws.

Totally within your rights to say no overnights. Totally reasonable not to want her to have baby without you for now - my baby was almost a year old before I left her with anyone who wasn't DP, and that was in our house!

But...when you go back to work, you are going to put your baby in full time daycare. My kid is in full time daycare because I have no choice. No grandparents nearby, no friends etc, can';t bring myself to trust a childminder. But I am sad about it and they are long days for a little one. If I could have gone part time, I would. If I had two sets of grandparents who I knew would keep my baby safe and happy offering to look after her sometimes, I'd have snatched their arms off. Not for me, but for her.

At minimum, for your son, I'd say forget about being 'fair' and get your mum to look after him some days if you're happy with that. He shouldn't be in nursery longer than he has to be just because you and your MIL don't get along. So just access your mum's offer, and if your MIL complains about unfairness so be it. Own that choice and stand up for your baby.

I do think from this and from many other threads that the world seems to be divided into people who think that their children owe them something and those who don't. If my DS wants to go and live in Australia then even though I would be sad not to see him or any grandchildren that would be his decision. If he has children and I see them only every so often then that is fine. If he chooses not to have children then that is also fine. My happiness is my responsibility. No grandparent needs alone time with a grandchild.

Didn't say it did @LoveInTokyo. Are you trying to misunderstand me and make some point? Bonkers behaviour

How awful that she would kiss, bathe and love to show him off as she's so proud of him! How evil of her obviously you can't stand the woman but the reasons you've given are laughable!!

siriously so you were just making an entirely unrelated comment about your mother that has nothing to do with the OP? Helpful.

sirious, so because you have a toxic relationship you assume the OP does too? Sirious, you are the only projecting here.

Kissing someone on the lips is iffy when that's an easy way of transmitting infection.

Wanting to bathe someone regularly when they have eczema is iffy.

Wanting a baby to stay away from its parent overnight when lots of kids don't do sleepovers when they're a lot older is a bit weird.

I think it should be noted that lots of people who abuse -physically and sexually - children are seen as kind and friendly and that everyone is supposed to be 'grateful' because of these lovely child-loving individuals.

The majority of grandparents are loving and will also do their best to respect parental views (even if they think the old ways were better.).

But there are a minority of grandparents who just want to take over/take ownership and actively weaken the parent-child relationship. I've had it happen to me and it is hugely distressing.

No - I was saying how some people aren't nice just because they're mums, and even if they've raised marriage-worthy people they're not necessarily great.

Honestly I thought that was pretty obvious from my post above. I didn't write "so your mum is just like mine OP".

But hey, you're just here to slate a new Mum against a controlling MIL, so go nuts

But nothing in what the OP has said indicates that her MIL is actually a nasty or controlling person. She might be a little overkeen, but if she's being deliberately kept at arm's length by a DIL who doesn't like her than that is probably the reason why.

It's right there in the OP.

"I don't like them."

You may find it very useful to let your mil childmind one day a week. It saves money. It gives you backup in case dc is ill. It keeps the relationship with mil harmonious.
What does your dh think or is he going along with you.