Mil keeps asking and asking

[Stormi12]

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

You are so poles apart. The more you refuse, the more she pushes. The more she pushes, the more you say no.

You need to meet in the middle. Yes there needs to be clear boundaries that she respects, but you do need to let go op. Of course she tries to grab him all the time. You see her 4 times a month for presumably a short period of time. She's desperate. If he can't have a bath more regularly for medical reasons, then of course she must respect that, but op just because she might do things differently doesn't make her automatically wrong. You aren't perfect either. And less than perfect is fine as long as it's delivered with love and safety in mind.

You back off on the little things and you might find she backs off on the bigger things. Pick your battles and fgs let the woman be involved with her gs. You say you don't have issues with your own mother but your own mother is allowed access to the kid and isn't battling for the least little crumb you'll allow her. Give your mil the same respect. If she doesn't then respect your boundaries on bigger issues you can deal with it then, but at least let her have a chance rather than presuming everything. You do sound unreasonable and hard work.

Has the Op name changed because I haven't seen any drip feeding at all, just responding to poster's questions!

Also you really don't need to wash a 6 month old daily if you keep them clean through out the day

I mean what are you doing with your baby that he's "yuck" at the end of the day?

Only you know how she really is. However, what about letting her have him for an afternoon? Perhaps one weekend when your DH can take him and stay? Then he'll see how they manage and perhaps allay some of your fears. If your mother is getting to see the baby often, it's not surprising your MIL feels left out!

As for bathing, ask her to use the appropriate creams or just plain water. She's not actually asking for much.

Why yuk? 6 month olds are only just starting to eat and crawl so they don’t really get dirty. Our baby had terrible eczema - I cut right down on baths and it completely cleared up

I've seen a lot of posters here say baths are "moisturizing" for ezema They've clearly never had it if they'd subject their baby's skin to it.

Going to the expense and effort of decorating and furnishing a room in your house for a baby, so crib ect, without ever running it past the babies actual parents is not perfectly normal.

Clearing a spare room out, decorating nicely, maybe getting a day bed or a sofa bed, ok ... but kitting out a whole nursery as a done deal that the baby is going to be handed over without ever discussing it with the mother .... now come on.

And that was how OP began this journey with MIL.

YANBU (aside from the bath Thing, babies love baths!) and frankly I’m surprised at the answers here.

What happened to ‘no is a complete sentence’? And ‘don’t use family for childcare unless you want to relinquish control’? Both of those are regularly brought out on threads like this.

Maybe the MIL isn’t overbearing and OP is just a major control freak. So what? Her baby is six months old! Her DH is on board with the childcare plan and OP says that he recognises his mum can be overbearing. Even if this isn’t true, who are we, anonymous internet folk, to state otherwise?

My children weren’t left overnight with anyone until they were 4 and 7. Grandparents babysat a handful of times when babies were little. It’s normal.

Those saying it's strange not to bathe a baby every day - it's not! Baby shampoos etc can disrupt a child's skin and the OP mentioned her baby has sensitive skin. Much better to use plain water or the correct products for sensitive skin and reduce the amount of washing.

I think it's quite funny and sweet when my mum and mil want to show ds off to their friends. Proud grannies, it makes me smile. I always make sure he has an extra lovely outfit on to go to mils as I know she'll want to show him off to her neighbours.

That said, I don't think it's a good idea for a grandparent to provide full time childcare. A couple of half days or 1 day a week maybe but full time is too much and I feel would blur the boundaries and could give cause for family fall outs.

And actually my ds didn't really have 'alone' time with either Granny until he was about 9months old, purely because I wanted him with me. If that's your reasoning then fine but your mil doesn't sound as if she'd mistreat or not look after you child, you just don't like her.

YANBU

She sounds like my MIL. Give her an inch and she will take a mile. All you are doing is not giving her that inch.

Trust your gut OP, I didn't and it hasn't ended well at all. The list of her behaviour you've given makes it sound like your MiL hasn't quite cut the apron strings with her DS and is trying to use your DC as a substitute.

This from PP really resonated with me. Stick to your guns.

Well you had better read the full thread then, instead of pontificating on what you don't know about. The evil old witch left the child crying in a pool of water whilst she slept. She is therefore a danger to the grandchild.

"AhNowTed

She kisses her own son on the lips and you think that's 'gross'."

Related adults shouldn't kiss on the lips, I find it creepy and incestuous.

MIL does sound like an overbearing guilt tripping nag with boundary issues, but OP doesnt sound that great either.

It's like you're keeping your child away from the grandparents to such an extent it comes across as a bit nasty. Like you're using your child to make them respect boundaries.

I feel sorry for the child.

6 month olds are only just starting to eat and crawl so they don’t really get dirty

I must have been doing something wrong then. Mine were disgusting sticky messes by the end of the day. At that time, though, weaning was recommended at 4 months, so by 6m they were chomping on rusks and boiled eggs and mushed up normal stuff.
I never understood how it collected behind their ears.

Felcon. I don't think that was the op.

Thelcon

I will ask permission to do things and not force my adult kids into anything.

HAHAHAHA no you won't because you are obviously a control freak who wants everything done her own way and you will try to be the same with your grandchildren as you are with your DC.

You sound totally unreasonable tbh. It honestly comes across as though you're trying to deny your MIL a loving relationship with her grandchildren simply because you don't like her face.

You should be more reasonable. Do it for your kid, if not for your husband or MIL.

she sounds bit needy.

OP, I can see your point and I am probably your mil's generation. I don't know why you're getting such a hard time on here - possibly due to how you've written your op. I think it really does sound like she's got boundary issues. I'm wondering if you need some help coming up with some key phrases to assert your boundaries? It might help long-term if you can make things clear now.

Thetcon, that was someone else's MiL. The OP's has never been alone with the child.

YADNBU to feel like this. Just say this to her next time she asks:

'Well....I don’t like how overly involved you are in your adult children’s business. You are a guilt tripper and constantly try to guilt my husband into things (babysitting, vacationing together, visiting grandma etc). You think you are the the quintessential mother and I am certain you would do things to piss me off (like kiss baby on the lips, bathe him, take him to visit all your friends). And not to mention sil is always there and the thought of her alone with my baby makes me stabby. She is a selfish entitled brat who cries to get her way. So, the answer is no you can't and don't ask me again because I find this very tiresome'

That should sort it out. Perfectly reasonable.

I wonder if OP will be complaining in a few years time that her MiL favours her grandchildren from her other children and is incensed her son gets treated less well.

And what about when the time comes, when you NEED her to be able to babysit, because believe you, me, whether you like it or not, and whether you think you've got all bases, and scenarios covered, that time will come.

I totally get the respecting boundaries thing, and also the childcare aspect, however - in order for her to respect boundaries, you need to set them, and you haven't done this, you have just slammed the door in her face - you're sat there all frustrated and annoyed and, almost, resentful - I daresay, she is sat feeling the exact same and, whilst all his is going on, your child is missing out on a valuable relationship. So whilst you think this is a 'win, lose' situation, in your favour, it's actually a really sad situation to be in.

How does your DH feel about this? (And remember, without your MIL, he wouldn't be here, and neither would your child)

Your child is lucky to have grandparents, and ones who are so willing to be involved, even if a little bit overbearing.

I don't have the most amazing relationship with my MIL, we are extremely different people, have different approaches to parenting, I've been undermined at times, she's upset me at times, and I've bit my tongue, but I just suck it up, because she loves my kids, and they love her, and I'm lucky, and they're lucky to have that relationship - who am I to stand in the way of that?