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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil keeps asking and asking

892 replies

Stormi12 · 27/07/2018 07:07

Mil has recently been begging to provide full time child care when I go back to work and even suggested she and fil take my 6 month old out by themselves. I do not like them. I do not want them around my child. Why on earth they think I’d let them take the baby out is beyond me.

Aibu to keep visits as a family as opposed to providing alone time?

OP posts:
tamsinconditions · 27/07/2018 09:46

Hope none of my sons bring home someone like OP

Do you mean bring to your house? Because I imagine their actual home would be elsewhere.

Life, like parenting has changed from decades ago, pushy family members can't expect dumb acceptance of 'support' any more, and for me that's got to be a good thing.

Chin up Stormi you can get away from this.

LongSummerDays · 27/07/2018 09:47

I agree with @CocoaGin70

If it is true, learn to pick your battles. You never know when you may need her help in the future. Even if you don't like her (why?) you have to try to form a civil relationship with her because you're family.

You really sound like you're going back to school in September. You have a baby - grow up and act like an adult. Hmm

Melanippe · 27/07/2018 09:47

How the hell are people saying that she's preventing the MiL having a good relationship with her child?

They see her every week ffs, it's not like she's moved to Australia to get away from her!

The MiL is a woman who views her DiL's boundaries as unimportant if they get in the way of her desires. Consent isn't just for sex, it's for every part of life. People who don't respect other's boundaries don't deserve to be in their lives, and yet this woman is facilitating a relationship between her MiL and DC.

RainySeptember · 27/07/2018 09:49

"The MiL is a woman who views her DiL's boundaries as unimportant if they get in the way of her desires."

Depends if DIL's boundaries are batshit or not. I don't think you can blame a woman for appealing to her son if she thinks his wife is treating her unfairly.

WillowDogs · 27/07/2018 09:52

For PPs who say I’ll save thousands? Nothing in this world is free. Having her be childcare will allow her to feel more entitled to our time and children and she will insert herself into our parenting choices.

^^ This.

OP you've had a lot of negative comments which I don't think are very fair. I don't think YABU. It would be great if all grandparents could be involved, if they could respect parenting choices and everyone could be happy. The reality is often not the case.

I had my MIL involved in my pregnancy in the same way as my mother. I did not want either one heavily involved as I believed it was more about me and my husband than grandparents. Originally I was open about my pregnancy and talked to her at length about it. By the end I dreaded being near her, she would constantly judge my choices for example I shouldn't eat a biscuit because I'm having a baby. She would come round and look at our nursery and then tell us everything she didn't like, she wanted to throw out some of the clothes we picked. Now my child is born she is constant in her requests to do things.

Help is nice. But sometimes people should accept that you don't want the help. The way I see it is after several miscarriages I feel very blessed to have my child. I don't want someone to do feeding or changing or sleeping so I can eat or sleep. I knew what I was getting into and I don't care. My MIL seems to only see what my baby can bring her but not think about what it brings me. I did not have a baby so she can be a grandparent.

And I completely agree that with certain people if you give them an inch they will take a mile.

HollyGibney · 27/07/2018 09:53

No one could possibly be that nasty in RL

Really? There's far nastier people being posted about on MN constantly. Abusive spouses, nasty neighbours etc. Have you missed all those?

multiplemum3 · 27/07/2018 09:54

Mums net is crazy sometimes, if the mil was doing full time childcare she'd be told to put the baby in a nursery. She doesn't want to leave her baby yet and is getting pressured to, that's overbearing and would get to you all eventually.

GreenTulips · 27/07/2018 09:55

You do not have any valid reasons

She does, she doesn't want to!

She doesn't have to.

It's her child and her choice.

Sometimes gut instinct is there for a reason

tattiehat · 27/07/2018 09:55

Christ, I'm so jealous! We have no family around us and struggle with our 3yo DD, to have someone who wanted to look after her even for an evening would be bliss to us!

But of course it is entirely up to you....... you say that you DH is in agreement with you, is this because this is how you feel and he is towing the line or does he not like her either.....?

BottleOfJameson · 27/07/2018 09:56

I think it's difficult to say who is being unreasonable in the relationship in general but if you don't get on and there are boundary issues between you I definitely think you're right not to have her as your full time childcare. It gives her an enormous amount of power of you and I wouldn't want anyone looking after my child full time who doesn't respect my rules in how I want my child brought up. It's one thing grandma giving the child a few treats once a week when you visit but every day is a problem or example. What if she threatens to withdraw childcare at the last minute if she's unhappy with something that happens in the family?

SnuggyBuggy · 27/07/2018 09:57

It's irrelevant if the boundaries are batshit, the OP is the child's mother and it's not her responsibility to please the MIL.

Sallystyle · 27/07/2018 10:00

OP my MIL was overbearing too. She bought a lot of baby items and still has a wardrobe of clothes for my two girls. She sounds a lot like your MIL.

However, I realised the hard way that no matter what I thought about her she was a great nan and just wanted to shower them with love. I knew she would keep them safe and love them and that my children would benefit from having grandparents who were involved. So, I put my feelings to one side for my children's sake.

I don't speak much to my MIL any more due to a lot of issues we have and my husband doesn't speak to his parents at all right now, but they still see our children regularly and they often stay over. Our shit is our shit and should not affect the children.

You clearly don't want your child to have a decent relationship with her. It sounds like a control thing and you are being nasty. Unless she is a danger to your child you are being horribly unreasonable.

Beingthere · 27/07/2018 10:01

Mumsnet - where mother in laws are hated!

Watch out mothers of boys, you'll have daughters in law who hate you.

That’s what my MIL said when I told her off for stealing from me... That I had better watch out because my fututre DIL would get my son to cut her off. I’m not a thief though! And if I were, I’d deserve to be cut off.

Your choice OP. Is your DH telling her no, it will never happen, or is he being vague? Tell her to stop asking. If it’s upsetting you, don’t see her.

ElevenSmiles · 27/07/2018 10:03

Tams I would explain if I could be arsed. Don't think anyone else needs help.

LePolyBag · 27/07/2018 10:19

Aye nae bother thenConfusedHmm

NordicNobody · 27/07/2018 10:23

Babies are not toys, to be sent over and played with at the whim of the grandparents. Your child isn’t a real life dolly for granny to play mummies and babies with.

This in spades! God I wish more people would understand this. I remember my dad demanding that it was "his right" to "have a turn" holding DS, who was already crying from being overwhelmed by being being passed around so many people. The fact that DS was an actual person with feelings that shock horror maybe even trumped his own, didn't seem to register. It was all about what he wanted. And your MIL sounds the same, it doesn't matter that your child shouldn't bathe too often for medical reasons, she wants to do it because it's fun for her so sid your wishes. It doesn't matter at all if kissing in the lips, bathing etc would bother others, it bothers you and you've said no. No way in hell I'd leave my child with someone I didn't trust to respect my wishes, even if they've "successfully raised their own". Your MIL has proven that you can't trust her and the price of that is no babysitting. That's just tough luck.

SandyY2K · 27/07/2018 10:25

when I have asked her to supervise (I could hear DD crying in the paddling pool, when I went out DMIL was fast asleep in a chair)

That's shocking. Does she realise what could have happened to her precious GC.

I don't blame you.

GnotherGnu · 27/07/2018 10:26

You do not have any valid reasons for not wanting to allow this apart from you actively disliking her.

That seems an entirely valid reason to me.

Melanippe · 27/07/2018 10:27

Depends if DIL's boundaries are batshit or not

Well, thankfully in this case they aren't, so that's nice.

tamsinconditions · 27/07/2018 10:28

Tams I would explain if I could be arsed. Don't think anyone else needs help.

To help you Eleven I was talking about the difference between MILs home and the couple's own home. Independence, autonomy, consideration and all that Grin

PomegranateFairy · 27/07/2018 10:28

Her furnishing a nursery and buying equipment for a grandchild that doesn't live with her is creepy as duck. Normal mentally healthy people confer with the parents and buy the odd easy to store thing to use for visiting babies

My ndn has a furnished nursery, high chair etc for her gc - she's had them stay over from half a year old. It also comes in handy if there's ever a short notice emergency, such as the parents get a last minute invitation somewhere, or have extra workdays. There's nothing to lug about, everything to hand. It's a second home, in effect.

Mind you, my ndn is a bit nuts. But not for this reason.

BuntyII · 27/07/2018 10:29

I wouldn't accept the offer, not because of not liking MIL, it doesn't matter if you like her or not she is your sons grandmother. But because they get more stimulation and socialisation in nursery. Just say no you want him to play with other babies.

BlueTears · 27/07/2018 10:29

I am very glad to have a son, as far as I'm concerned once my children (both boy and girl) marry then they are no longer mine, they belong in their new family with their partner and children.

I will make sure they know we love and are interested in their lives but allow them to set the pace for how much we see them and how much we see THEIR children.

OP - Your mil really does sound overbearing. Perhaps your should have a really frank conversation with her asking her to back off a bit and reassuring her that when your baby is older that they will get to spend more time with him. This is what I had to do with my in laws (who also bought a whole nursery including bed, pram etc!)

Your baby. Your rules. End of conversation.

Verbena87 · 27/07/2018 10:29

You only bath your 6 month old every other day - yuk!

Why yuk? 6 month olds are only just starting to eat and crawl so they don’t really get dirty. Our baby had terrible eczema - I cut right down on baths and it completely cleared up.

Thedutchwife · 27/07/2018 10:35

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