Mum won't have my children

[bakebakebake]

NC for this because it'll be outing if any of my friends read this.

Background:
I have 3 children (5, 6 and 14wks)
She has 2 other children (9, 11)
We live less than a minute from each other

DS6 has slept over 5 times
DD5 has slept over 3 times
Nephew (1) has slept over more
Sister's half brother (9) sleeps fortnightly

My children ask my mum if they can have a sleep over and she will say "soon" but that never happens

The other day...
Me: how about having the children (DS6 and DD5) for a sleepover one day during the holidays
Her: only if you have mine
Me: err no, they wouldn't want to anyway
Her: well you'll just have to find a babysitter like I do
Me: to do what? I don't want to go out
Her: not my problem
Then DH turned up so conversation ended

Her "babysitter" is my Auntie (lives 30 seconds away) which has been every single Friday night since they were born so my mum can have a break. They are always upstairs so I'm not sure Why she needs a break.

AIBU in wanting her to have her grandchildren for a sleepover?

It's not even so I can go out, its because THEY want to. I wouldn't go out since I have a 14wk old!

Well if it was about being fair absolutely then the OP should swap taking her Mums kids overnight then! Or does it just work one way?

Good point. Sounds like it is one-way!

OP said she regularly babysat them before she had her own dc

But why won't she babysit her siblings now? However, she expects her mother to look after 5 children, and can't seem to understand her mother might be reluctant to do the same; all sounds rather demanding, unless something I'm missing.

How has your relationship with your sister been over the years? You sound as though you are jealous of her in some way.

Well if it was about being fair absolutely then the OP should swap taking her Mums kids overnight then! Or does it just work one way?

Sounds to me like OPs mum gets plenty of breaks when other people have her kids overnight. She's just selfish, won't do anything for anyone unless there's something in it for herself.

Her "babysitter" is my Auntie (lives 30 seconds away) which has been every single Friday night since they were born so my mum can have a break. They are always upstairs so I'm not sure Why she needs a break

Sounds to me like OPs mum gets plenty of breaks when other people have her kids overnight. She's just selfish, won't do anything for anyone unless there's something in it for herself

Like the OP then. She won't have the other children but expects overnight care for hers. I can see why her mum isn't keen.

Interesting you read the different responses. It doesn't sound like your mum is as interested in you nor your children as you'd like her to be OP. It sounds to me like you want her to show her love by spending time with her grandchildren, because that's how you felt love as a child. But that wasn't with her, that was with your grandparents; it seems to me that your mum might not show love by spending time because she likes her own kids to be away every week for a break. Do you know how she does show her love, is it verbally or with gifts perhaps? However it is, she just isn't keen on having that time with your children, so you'll need to tell her to stop making promises if she doesn't plan to keep them. And you'll need to accept that she won't care enough or that she shows love in a different way. That's hard to do because I can see from your posts that the perceived lack of love stings for to, but it's best for your sanity that you face it and move on.

Whoever says talking to a sister is bitching is being ridiculous. Of course your sister is the first person to discuss a family issue with, nobody else will understand it as well as she does. Doing a child swap with her might be nice for your children, to get some good auntie time and nice for you with your nephew too, is that something that would be possible for the 5 and 6 year old vs 1 year old?

Like the OP then. She won't have the other children but expects overnight care for hers. I can see why her mum isn't keen

Did you miss the bit where OP said her sisters wouldn't want to stay with her and she has no room anyway? Is it really too much for her Mum to have the GC one Friday night when the other kids are at the aunties?

I talk to my sister about our mum because she's the only one who fully understands..
She doesn't speak to my mum that much because my mum is always making comments that upset her.

My relationship with my sister is better than it's ever been. Her and DS6 get on fabulously because they both love football.

DH won't talk to me about it because he says I go between being annoyed, to thinking she's the best person ever.

I can't argue back with my mum because we don't have that type of relationship. I just want an easy life.

Rereading my original post..

I don't expect her to have them.

I want her to want to have them.

You are not a victim however you talk like one.

Do you truly want a better relationship with your Mum?
Honestly?

Then leave all the kids out of it. They aren’t the measure of her love for you or your love for her. Stop competing, comparing and complaining about getting her to do what you want.

Just get a better one to one relationship with her.

If you want to keep on, and on, saying how crap she is behind her back then that’s your perogative.

This sounds so complicated, so many children. Your mother probably has had more than enough after having so many kids and grandkids in her house, nice for a wee visit while supervised, but maybe she wants to do things for herself rather than provide childcare for loads more kids? An ‘easy life’ isn’t really something that springs to mind with someone who has chosen to have three kids, but what do I know.

I think you should take turns as your mum deserves a night off as much as you. Surely kids can sleep on a blow bed, you keep talking about how you don't have enough beds but people can scatter in the living or dining room too. .
.
.
.She's in her late 40s give her a break.

If this had been posted 5 or 6 years ago everyone would have jumped on the fact that OP's mum is playing favourites with the grand children! what on earth has happened that nobody thinks it's highly unreasonable to spend regular time with one grandchild but not the others?

I can understand you wanting her to make the effort. Mine dont either as their not in good health, If the could they would.

You can't make her, it is sad for you and your DC, As a granny if I am able I'd want to spend time with my GC. I agree she should stick to her word and make an effort for a fun night now and again. Your DM probably isn't very maternal. Great advise from Excited0803

Based on the age of your siblings YABU.

You're minimising her role by saying her kids just go on the PS4.

Why don't you give her a break and have your sisters sleepover ?

There's no law stipulating that grandparents must have their GC sleep over.

Is it really too much for her Mum to have the GC one Friday night when the other kids are at the aunties?

When you're getting a break from your own kids, the last thing you want is other kids to look after...even if they are your GC.

That totally defeats the objective.

It's all well and good having a young mum...but here it means she's still a mum to young kids just like you.

She's unlikely to be over excited by GC...as she has her own young kids.

Everything has it's advantages and disadvantages.

You’re trying to make a case for her having them just because she has more room and her kids are (in your opinion) no bother.
At the end of the day if she doesn’t want to look after four children she doesn’t have to. Maybe she’s worried it will become a regular thing

You are unreasonable. You said you went to to your grandparents and Aunty every weekend- which is what your mother is still doing with her young children. She is u der not obligation to look after your children. You do t want it to be a reciprocal agreement where you have your sisters, so sorry- I k ow you junk it would be fun for your kids, but that's not your choice.

You're not being unreasonable. She is being nasty to your kids by promising them something she never intends to do, and by playing favourites with their cousins. Why are you putting up with this crap? At some point your children will realise what is happening, and it will crush them.

Have you actually asked her why your children are treated differently to the other family children?

It's really her own business who she invites to her house and looks after. No one else gets a stake in it

Op it sounds like the classic family dynamic where some or one of the kids gets priority treatment that the others can’t expect. Your mum just ( unconsciously ) has decided to treat you differently.
It’s common and causes a lot of pain and tension.

bakebakebake - your mother does not sound hugely maternal. She needed lots of support and nights off when you were little and still needs the same for her two youngest children. She does not sound like the sort of person who would understand the concept of building fond memories for her grandchildren and developing a closer bond with them by having them sleep over, as that is clearly not why she used to send you off to spend the night elsewhere when you were a child. Now might be the time to accept your mother for what she is and not what you would like her to be.