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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum won't have my children

177 replies

bakebakebake · 26/07/2018 15:53

NC for this because it'll be outing if any of my friends read this.

Background:
I have 3 children (5, 6 and 14wks)
She has 2 other children (9, 11)
We live less than a minute from each other

DS6 has slept over 5 times
DD5 has slept over 3 times
Nephew (1) has slept over more
Sister's half brother (9) sleeps fortnightly

My children ask my mum if they can have a sleep over and she will say "soon" but that never happens

The other day...
Me: how about having the children (DS6 and DD5) for a sleepover one day during the holidays
Her: only if you have mine
Me: err no, they wouldn't want to anyway
Her: well you'll just have to find a babysitter like I do
Me: to do what? I don't want to go out
Her: not my problem
Then DH turned up so conversation ended

Her "babysitter" is my Auntie (lives 30 seconds away) which has been every single Friday night since they were born so my mum can have a break. They are always upstairs so I'm not sure Why she needs a break.

AIBU in wanting her to have her grandchildren for a sleepover?

It's not even so I can go out, its because THEY want to. I wouldn't go out since I have a 14wk old!

OP posts:
PrettyLovely · 26/07/2018 18:39

You have picked out ONE sentence Tiredperson you left out the fact her mother doesnt want her kids but wants her other grandchild, I believe it was also the older of ops kids asking for a sleep over not the tiny baby.
Op has also said how she is the only one who makes an effort in regards to their relationship, There is an awful lot more to this situation than her "expecting her mother to child mind her kids."

Lovemusic33 · 26/07/2018 18:54

YABU, they are not her responsibility, she still has children at home to care for, why would she want yours too?

My mum has only had dd1 stay once, never dd2. I don’t expect her too.

Original poster
bakebakebake · 26/07/2018 18:58

Just had a thought.. the whole reciprocating thing.

My mum doesn't expect my older sister to have my younger sisters. Even though they have a spare bedroom with a double sofa bed and one child..

But thinks I can with three children and no spare space in beds.

OP posts:
Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 26/07/2018 19:01

Reading that your mum doesn't always want you to come over when you ask to, that you are the one that makes the effort in the relationship not her, alongside the fact that she has other relatives small children staying but not yours. I'm wondering if you have always felt like she rejects you ? And now you feel your Dc are suffering the same rejection and that is hard for you to watch. It may be an unpopular opinion but I don't think you are being unreasonable op.Flowers

Tistheseason17 · 26/07/2018 19:03

You seem quite focused on what everyone else gets from your Mum and your entitlement to your fair share and reciprocation.

Just accept it and move on. As much as it would be nice if nanny asked them to stay over it isn't going to happen. You had nice memories but things were different then and your DM is not the same as your DNan.

A 5 and 6 yr old never stop and I suspect they are just as tricky with her as they are with you and that is her reticence. Having nannied for a 2/4/7/9 yr old when I was younger, it is knackering.

flowery · 26/07/2018 19:12

”DS6 has slept over 5 times
DD5 has slept over 3 times”

Who are these children then, if not yours?

Tiredperson · 26/07/2018 19:13

@pretty the OP has said everything else as a justification for why she is annoyed that her Mum said no to childminding. Everything comes back to the OP wanting to insist that her Mum has one or more of her children overnight. And to say that her Mum is unreasonable.

If the OP was willing to drop her anger directed at her Mum about the childminding, and just let it rest, then other issues could be talked about with her Mum and hopefully resolved.

However this does not seem to be the OPs main focus.

Original poster
bakebakebake · 26/07/2018 19:20

Flowery

Two separate family friend's children - both the same age as my DS and DD. She had one of them stay because she cries when leaving.. my mum invited her to stay in front of my children.

OP posts:
Isawthelight · 26/07/2018 19:29

“Mum won’t have my children” er.... if your mum had them, they’d be your siblings. What you mean is mum is not mug enough to look after the kids I chose to have so I can go out on the lash and pretend I’m not a mum for the night. Your kids, your choice. You look after them, seems like you Mum has her hands full enough already anyway

Oh it's you again. You have such a nasty attitude. The way you spoke to the mother on the thread about her SN son was a disgrace and here you go again. OP has already said she doesn't even want to go out, she'll be at home with her young baby.

PrettyLovely · 26/07/2018 19:30

I am sorry op I thought the ds6 and the dd5 were your kids, Have your kids never actually stayed at all then?

Isawthelight · 26/07/2018 19:42

Your sister is on your side? So you’ve been bitching about her saying no

FFS so now talking something over with a sibling or asking their opinion on something is 'bitching'?

Tiredperson · 26/07/2018 19:43

Her "babysitter" is my Auntie (lives 30 seconds away) which has been every single Friday night since they were born so my mum can have a break. They are always upstairs so I'm not sure Why she needs a break.

There just is a really resentful undertone in all your posts OP. Especially that last line, why shouldn’t she have a break? Are you saying that she neglects them by them being upstairs always?

Everyone living a minute away from each other but having angry feelings and basically bullying each other to have your ‘fair share’. It doesn’t sound very healthy or ultimately great for the kids.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/07/2018 19:45

OP, I think it's time to back off and leave her to it. It doesn't matter how much effort you make, your mum just doesn't care about your relationship as much as you do.
If she can regularly look after her children's half sibling, who is nothing to do with her, but wont have yours for the occasional sleepover, she is sending you a very clear message about where you are in the pecking order. And that's before we get into the rude way she spoke to you.

You won't change her - best you can do is protect yourself by not expecting anything of her. Likewise, you owe her nothing too.

Tiredperson · 26/07/2018 19:48

@isathelight yes if my daughter asked me to babysit, I said no, then she talked to my daughter about how unfair that was I’d be really pissed off. It’s school level bitching and ganging up. Everyone can say no to babysitting. Or should grand mother’s be guilt tripped and shamed into childminding?

Isawthelight · 26/07/2018 19:52

@isathelight yes if my daughter asked me to babysit, I said no, then she talked to my daughter about how unfair that was I’d be really pissed off. It’s school level bitching and ganging up. Everyone can say no to babysitting. Or should grand mother’s be guilt tripped and shamed into childminding?

Yes @Tiredperson but surely if you done it for one daughter and other people but not for the other daughter...that daughter would have every right to discuss it with her sister. It's not just as simple as OP asked and her Mum said no.

slashlover · 26/07/2018 19:55

Would she perhaps have the one at a time instead of both together?

Could you maybe swap children? One of your DCs go to grans house and one of your DS visits, then the next night you swap?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/07/2018 19:56

It's not babysitting though - it's the OP's kids wanting a fun sleepover at nanny's. Kids do tend to want that sort of thing. And they see nanny offering sleepovers to other children and wonder why she doesn't want them. It's hurtful and unfair. OP feels her mother has no interest in her or her children, which serms to be backed up by her mum speaking to her like shit. For most people that would sting. She talks to her sister and then gets accused of bitching. I can't see that she has done anything wrong apart from not be the golden child.
OP has babysat her half sibling before she had her own dc - I think her mum is one of life's 'takers'.

Tiredperson · 26/07/2018 19:57

If you want to try and have a respectful positive relationship with your Mum, then getting sister on side won’t help. It’s how relationships go downhill. So what if you’ve done it for one daughter?

My Mum has hardly ever babysitter my child. Yet she has my sisters kids two days a week, every week. I wouldn’t dream of being resentful towards my Mum, I know she loves us all. It’s just that my sister asked earlier and I didn’t. It’s impossible to be perfectly fair and I’m never going to harasss my mother about it.

Tiredperson · 26/07/2018 19:57

Babysitted... apologies

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 26/07/2018 19:59

^Your Mum isnt treating her grandchildren the same which is wrong.
I think your Mum was harsh in her reply to you.I wouldnt push for a relationship with a mother that played favourites.^

Yes, that.

I normally am on the side of grandparents shouldn't be expected to do any child care butt hsi isn't about child care.

It's about your children watching your mother choose other children over them. I'd really reconsider the amount of time I invested in this relationship.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 26/07/2018 20:00

But that is not the OP's situation tired. I think you probably do feel hurt by your mum not being entirely fair, but it's easier to blame the OP for questioning it, that face up to inequalities in your own relstionship with your mum.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/07/2018 20:00

It does sound from the OP that the children have stayed over. And again later on in the thread.

bakebakebake Thu 26-Jul-18 17:24:06
My older sister has a one year old. He has stayed more times than DD5 has.

I think it's nice your mum has her step son/your sisters half brother to stay over.

It could be because he's a bit older and she's less able to cope with younger children. I'm a similar age to your mum and find babies and older children easier to manage than the younger ones. They are a lot more work.

Hopefully she will have them over more when they are older.

Isleepinahedgefund · 26/07/2018 20:05

No one is obliged to look after any children except their own.
Your mother doesn’t have to want what you want.

hungryhippo90 · 26/07/2018 20:07

Hmm I can understand your feelings. You want your kids to have a proper grandparent relationship with your mum, but sadly it isn’t possible as your mum is still bringing up children full time.

YANBU in how you feel but YABU for not expecting the family dynamics to be a bit different to those in a maybe more traditional sense.

I was a young mum (still am but dear god I feel older than 27! Now DDs almost 11) I had DD at 17, and my mum wasn’t a proper gran because she wasn’t even 40 when my DD was born.

What about your partners parents?

My PILS are a bit older, and they’re proper grandparents. I’m on the way to their house with her now actually. She’s off to the play scene that MIL runs tomorrow, MIL loves showing her off.

Sorry you are struggling with this, but I think you just have to understand sometimes dynamics change because second families are much more common now, and many of us are having children before our parents may be ready to have GC

Tiredperson · 26/07/2018 20:08

Well if it was about being fair absolutely then the OP should swap taking her Mums kids overnight then! Or does it just work one way?

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