Mum won't have my children

[bakebakebake]

NC for this because it'll be outing if any of my friends read this.

Background:
I have 3 children (5, 6 and 14wks)
She has 2 other children (9, 11)
We live less than a minute from each other

DS6 has slept over 5 times
DD5 has slept over 3 times
Nephew (1) has slept over more
Sister's half brother (9) sleeps fortnightly

My children ask my mum if they can have a sleep over and she will say "soon" but that never happens

The other day...
Me: how about having the children (DS6 and DD5) for a sleepover one day during the holidays
Her: only if you have mine
Me: err no, they wouldn't want to anyway
Her: well you'll just have to find a babysitter like I do
Me: to do what? I don't want to go out
Her: not my problem
Then DH turned up so conversation ended

Her "babysitter" is my Auntie (lives 30 seconds away) which has been every single Friday night since they were born so my mum can have a break. They are always upstairs so I'm not sure Why she needs a break.

AIBU in wanting her to have her grandchildren for a sleepover?

It's not even so I can go out, its because THEY want to. I wouldn't go out since I have a 14wk old!

I ask to go see her while the kids are at school at least twice a week.

She has told me that she misses us as she doesn't see us as much now.. I stopped asking for a while because I wanted to see how long it would take for her to want to see me/us.

But I do ask if I can pop in for an hour. 1/3 of the time she'll say yes.

I'll buy her a bottle of wine just as a little present for no reason. Or I'll buy her a bar of chocolate if I see it.

We might live close but "nanny's house" is very exciting for them still.

My friend works full time with 3 children, her husband never did his share of childcare and she was often stressed and in tears whilst he was out with his mates. His parents refused to help out for school picks ups etc.

After they split they have 50/50 shared care. The in-laws are much more involved, the kids see more of their father and my friend is looking so much better. She didn't realise just how much she was doing. Does your husband help?

You're obviously trying with her and she's giving mixed messages. It's a shame, but WYGD?

Ours expect a weekly phone call (we don't live close by) but they seldom bother to ring us. I don't think our dcs are of much interest to them.

People can be strange sometimes!

Your sister is on your side? So you’ve been bitching about her saying no.

You are bringing so much bad feeling and conflict into your relationship with your Mum, why?

How would you feel if your Mum and your sister were bitching about you never having her kids to stay?

You sound jealous that she has had more children and have not said anything nice about her or your young siblings. What a shame you are prepared to make this a war. She’s done nothing wrong, she’s said no to babysitting.

I feel for her.

I think you’re talking at cross purposes. Your mother thinks you are expecting childcare when actually your kids want to spend time with her. Have you managed to explain this in a way she can hear? If she’s not interested, that’s her choice and something you have to accept. She is bloody lucky to have childcare and I do understand your frustration. But pointing this out will not help the situation. Is she more of a taker than a giver?

I have five children. My eldest has spent one night at my parent’s house - she’s 16.
The others have never spent a night there - they’re 12, 10, 6 and 3.

We haven’t had a night away (or at home) without children since I was expecting my third. And that’s only because a friend had the older two for two nights.

Talking to her sister does not equal 'bitching'.
And it wasn't the OP who brought conflict - not her turning down visits or saying 'not my problem' or showing favouritism.
I sometimes wonder if we are all reading the same thread!

Me and my best friend are 38.

My best friend has 4 kids, a 21 year old daughter, and then an 8, a 6 and 3 year old too.

Her 21 yr old daughter has 2 kids who are 3 and 9 months and she constantly expects her mum (my friend) to have her kids!! This is despite her not working and my friend working 4 days a week!

My friend already has her hands full with her 3 younger ones and her 21yr old daughter is constantly arguing with her about it saying she has room, why doesn't she want her grandkids blah blah blah - it's very draining for her with 3 kids and working and she doesn't want to spend her weekends looking after more kids.

I totally get that - just because it's family op it should not be an expectation on your Mum.

I wasn't bitching, I was venting.

I love my mum and I am the one who puts the effort in.

I think the kind of woman who has 4 kids with 3 fathers is possibly a selfish one? I know I'm being judgey here but I'm basing that on your description of her. She expected lots of help with her kids but is too selfish to reciprocate, I feel for you OP I don't think you'll change her though so I'd just try to accept it if I were you.

Your Mum isnt treating her grandchildren the same which is wrong.
I think your Mum was harsh in her reply to you.
I wouldnt push for a relationship with a mother that played favourites.

I think the kind of woman who has 4 kids with 3 fathers is possibly a selfish one?

Very very judgemental!

MyShinyWhiteTeeth

I do school runs, 25 minute walk 4x a day. I don't drive because of epilepsy, I'm not allowed a license.
I cook and clean.

DH works 8-5 mon-fri.
He does breakfast for the children before he leaves.
As soon as he gets home he will overtake baby duties, he does bath time. And he will do bedtime when I'm having a bad day.

I'm breastfeeding so he's limited in what he can do to help. But he will help ad much as possible.

OP of course it’s bitching, getting your sister ‘on side’. It’s stirring up I’ll feeling.

I think you need to grow up and of you love your mother, stop putting her down for not wanting to childmind YOUR kids. Nurture your relationship instead by not hiding behind the injustice of anyone not looking after your kids.

Instead of comparing and feeling hard done by, why don't you stop making excuses and lead by example?

My house:....one ps4 in the lounge
There are numerous other ways/games/things the kids can do to play together, ones that involve proper direct interaction with each other instead of a screen.

2x single beds
Two can sleep top tail, or you put down blankets and pillows on the floor including the living room.

Make an effort yourself and have them all/in turn for sleepovers at your house.
Ask your sis and mum if they'd do the same if you adults hosted sleepovers in turns.

5 and 6 year olds need more supervision and attention than the older kids so maybe that's why she said no.

I'm not sure Why she needs a break.
Ask her?
Maybe she's continuing the established routine knowing that soon those kids will be older and busier and it will naturally end.
She could be looking forward to that time and doesn't want to set a precedent with your kids doing the same for X amount of years.

She's allowed to want that.

@Tiredperson go back to sleep!
You have totally missed the point of this thread its not about childcare, Its about her Mum not wanting her kids like she does her other grandchild.

It seems like the other gcs mum reciprocates with childcare so that’s likely the reason.
And I wouldn’t be so sure about behaviour not being a factor as well. The op has said her kids hit each other at home so I’m not sure how she can be certain they’re angelic when with others.

Read the post yourself @pretty

AIBU in wanting her to have her grandchildren for a sleepover?

So she’s going to come around for a sleepover too? She wants her mother to look after all her children not just for an hour so, but overnight. By herself.

Has childminding changed it’s name?

So sisters or indeed siblings in general never ever discuss how a parent is responding to them or an issue?
OP isn't asking her mom to "childmind" - she's asking if they could have a sleepover at Nanny's - something the grandchildren would be very excited about.
I understand that with two pre teens herself that OP's mom may find it difficult and may not be able to play the "spoil the grandchildren" type role as her other children are still around. However, she manages to host sleepovers/engage with other half siblings and other children so she's not exactly unable physically to host.
OP - you're not wrong to be disheartened by your mom's reaction to the sleepover with Nanny request but I'm really not sure what you can do to change her mind.

Very confused by your post and expectations. I have a 5 yr old and 9 yr old (and older kids) my 9 yr old has stated at my mums once, and my 5 yr old never. He's 5. He doesn't need sleepovers. He is quite hardwork at 5 in terms of needs and attention and settles well in his own bed. You are trying to force a lady with 9 &11 yr old children. (Who are completely different to 5/6 yr old children) to have 2 infants overnight. Not only this but you slag off her parenting (they just play on PlayStation) so why would you want your 5 and 6 yr old to stay there? The other children that do, are older and on their own. I think you are being unreasonable but I also can't see any benefit to either of your children. And of course you could have your siblings, in your lounge with the PlayStation if you actually wanted to.

At 9 and 11, they are not interested in games like my children are. Mine have been in the garden all day, in the swimming pool or football.
They love board games.

But my sisters aren't interested in being outside, they just want to be on tablets or consoles. Doesn't matter where they are.

My children enjoy watching and playing Minecraft which is why the console point is there

I think if you want her to have your kids then you have to reciprocate. You could have your sisters over for dinner and a family film and they could sleep in the sitting room.

They hit each other at home because they're fighting over their toys, or the remote, or what to watch..
They don't do that at other houses because they know it's not their house.

She's 47, she's probably exhausted with her own two and relationship building with the half brother, without adding 2 younger ones into the mix. I would say your sisters child gets to stay more often because they're a bit further away so it's harder to maintain that relationship than it is with your kids.

She is under no obligation to take yours. I know mine have cousins close in age and I quite simply don't want the responsibility of looking after someone else's child on top of my own.

From your responses you clearly don't think you're being unreasonable though and it would seem nothing anyone says here is going to satisfy you so why don't you just do the grown up thing and ask your mum if there's a particular reason she won't have them over?