Mum won't have my children

[bakebakebake]

NC for this because it'll be outing if any of my friends read this.

Background:
I have 3 children (5, 6 and 14wks)
She has 2 other children (9, 11)
We live less than a minute from each other

DS6 has slept over 5 times
DD5 has slept over 3 times
Nephew (1) has slept over more
Sister's half brother (9) sleeps fortnightly

My children ask my mum if they can have a sleep over and she will say "soon" but that never happens

The other day...
Me: how about having the children (DS6 and DD5) for a sleepover one day during the holidays
Her: only if you have mine
Me: err no, they wouldn't want to anyway
Her: well you'll just have to find a babysitter like I do
Me: to do what? I don't want to go out
Her: not my problem
Then DH turned up so conversation ended

Her "babysitter" is my Auntie (lives 30 seconds away) which has been every single Friday night since they were born so my mum can have a break. They are always upstairs so I'm not sure Why she needs a break.

AIBU in wanting her to have her grandchildren for a sleepover?

It's not even so I can go out, its because THEY want to. I wouldn't go out since I have a 14wk old!

It doesn’t matter what her reasons are or whether she has a babysitter or whether she’s tired or what ages her kids are.

You asked.
She said no.

That you are now critical and harassing her through emotional blackmail ‘but it’s for my kids’ is really horrible OP. Stop putting down your own mum! Your kids are your responsibility, end of.

I think some of you are being a bit harsh to the OP - she is not looking for free babysitting - her DC want to have a sleep over for fun. But I think someone above made an observation which is probably correct - because your mum is still being a full on parent herself, she is probably not looking for a close relationship with her grandchildren.

YABU I think grandparents looking after children is something that they do voluntarily, it shouldn't be something they are obliged to do especially if they have young children of their own.

Did you look after your brother and sister before you had your own?

I think she's mean to have the other children over but not yours. She's not obliged to have anyone's kids over, but playing favourites is not OK.

She seems to receive /has received a lot of help but not willing to help you, and that seems quite hypcritical to me.

I do think it's fair to reciprocate, so if you have hers she has yours.

If she doesn't want to have your kids over it's her perogative but you reap what you sow with these things so keep that in mind.

@iwanna you called her Mum a selfish cow because she is ‘too busy having a second family’! How nasty.

I don't understand what the number of PS4s in each house has to do with anything.

OP my parents and my in-laws won't ever have my DD to sleep over either - lots of valid reasons but ultimately they wouldn't want the responsibility. They've done their child rearing and they want to enjoy the nice bits with their grandchildren and then hand them back at the end of the day. Fair enough I say.

I think how she spoke to the OP was nasty.

*How old is your dm? If she’s menopausal she might be completely bloody knackered. Does she work? Have much support herself? You don’t mention asking your df to have them.

Does she have issues with your life choices or is there a history of fall outs? All of these things are important. Long story short she doesn’t want to and that’s fine. *

She is 47.
She has already been through the menopause.
She doesn't work.
Auntie has my sisters every week and my grandad picks them up from school.
DF has passed away.

No issues.

She doesn’t want to have your kids over night. She doesn’t really owe you an explication either.

You could have your sisters over and have all the kids on the floor in the living room if you wanted but you don’t really want to put the effort into having them over

For what it’s worth. My PIL have a 6 bedroom house for the 2 of them. They don’t want my DC to stay but that’s their decision. I have never pressed it because it’s not up to me to decide if someone wants to look after my children

You could have your sisters over and have all the kids on the floor in the living room if you wanted but you don’t really want to put the effort into having them over

But her sisters don't want to come over to hers. It sounds more like she wants her mum to bother with her kids in the same way she does with other kids in the family.

Why should your mother have your kids? I know most do, but I never understood why it's expected. It's quite a big assumption to make.

She was maybe a bit rude when she said no, but she wasn't being unreasonable.

YABVU, just because you stayed over at grans doesn't mean she has to bow down and do the same for you as you want it.

Grandparents can be excellent ones without providing childcare and you should be telling your children they don't need to sleep over to spend time with their gran.

It strikes me that your mum has a lot of support and always has - you say that your auntie has the children (your sisters) every week and your grandad picks them up from school... perhaps your mum isn't coping well.

But she probably has her daughter's half sibling over for a reason - have you asked her why?

Have you told your kids about sleepovers with your grandparents, or have other kids told them about theirs? Because that being a nice experience relies on you having a good relationship with a nice grandparent. She doesn't seem to like you or by extension them very much. I can't say why and it's unlikely to be excusable. If you somehow forced or tricked her to have them on a sleepover, she'd still be like this, they still would have a bad time. It's out of your hands unfortunately. If she was going to be the nice grandma who wanted to see them, she would. (And her having young children cannot possibly explain why she'll have all her other grandchildren but not hers by you, so I don't even know why people are mentioning it.)

If you explicitly say it's not about childcare but about spending time with their grandma and posters then berate you for trying to get free childcare you can safely ignore everything you ever see under their name by the way.

In laws can't have DC for sleepovers..

DMIL has a small terrace but has a 14&24yr old in one room and she has a small double so couldn't sleep in a bed with them.
But she will offer to collect them from school just so she can come over to see them all.

DFIL sees them fortnightly for an hour. DH is happy he even sees them that much because he wasn't around much when he was growing up.

Your mum isn't under any obligation to have your children, it's bizarre that you would expect that? You chose to have them, it's not up to her to give you a break from them, especially when you won't reciprocate with your siblings. As a mum of 2 adult kids and 3 young ones, I'm with your mum on this. You sound so entitled.

Wow. You're mother is exhausted. You should be taking the big ones first. They will be more keen to be around the baby, they would help around too.

Sounds like she is and has not liked looking after children, even her own for a while and really dislikes the idea of taking on more 'babysitting' duties than necessary.

she just doesn't want to look after anymore children than she currently is and you can't make her look after yours, I don't know why you would want to push the issue if she is this resistant, I wouldn't be nice for your kids to stay with a grandmother who didn't really want them there.

Your sisters stay with their aunt quite often by the sounds of it, you had sleepovers when you were younger and you looked after your youngest sister as well, maybe your mum can't cope well with young children?

Your sister’s half brother?

Half brother of the children who are living at home?

In which case she doesn’t have him for “no reason” she has him so that he can build a relationship with his sisters.

My mother in law has only had my son (6) to sleep over I think 4 times in his life, she has no small children at home. My husband is her youngest at 35.

My mum and dad have never had ds to sleep over as they just don't want to.

So your mum is in no way short changing your children of sleepovers, she just sounds busy enough with her own small children.

Hibeat

They aren't interested in the baby. He's 14 weeks and they have no interest in holding him or playing.

Why should she? Am I missing something?

I think you're feeling well and truly fed up, knackered and seeing what looks like your mum both giving and receiving lots of support but just non headed your way.
Sadly, she owes you nothing. She may even feel jealous of your more traditional family unit, or she just may not care.
More likely, she lives in a house which is constantly up the wall, no longer has her partner to support her/confide in, and although probably loves you dearly, sees you as 'fine' and maybe even a bit cheeky for asking for help. I'd honestly try to drop it. If you are desperate for a night off, would she sleep at yours and you and DH have a night in a travelodge? Or ask your sister to stay (with her kids)