Partner doesn't like sharing a bed

[camberskank]

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this? I completely get it. He likes space, he doesn't sleep well, he's 6ft3 and sleeps better on his own. He tells me he sleeps better on his own. I've been away with work all week and I know it has been bliss for him. He likely will be dreading having to share a bed again.

I don't snore, barely move at night and he simply finds it annoying not having much space. We don't have room for a bed bigger than a double.

I guess I just don't like that he doesn't like me being in bed with him. I'm 6 months pregnant and like knowing he's there next to me, he just lays there frustrated wishing I wasn't there. He's now resorted to sleeping on the sofa all the time.

AIBU to let this bother me? Can you still have a good relationship and sleep in separate rooms? Is this a normal way to feel?

Not sure if my hormones are getting to me or I'm feeling upset for good reason...

@gamerchick the spare room will be our nursery. Box room belongs to his daughter. We don't have a spare room. I think we are going to have to brainstorm!

Annoyingly, the only rooms that could be knocked through would be our room in to the bathroom, or nursery in to the bathroom. Would require a total re-jig!

None of the rooms have adjoining walls?

Yes, there will be a way to do it. Decent sofa bed for him in the living room even.

@SimonBridges it's all we found afford and I was actually really proud of being on the housing ladder by the age of 27 which is young nowadays. It's a beautiful old house, I love it. This is the only issue we have and I also struggle to understand why people can't comprehend tiny houses... it's just life for many many people.

I’m always amazed how some people cannot understand how rooms can be very small and people cannot afford to move

I think that's slightly unfair. A master bedroom five foot wide is highly unusual, building regs look at seven foot as a min for a single, so this is something very different.

I'm confused now, probably haven't read the thread properly.

I thought the OP lived in a 2 bed house and was expecting their first child.

Now there's mention of another child (daughter?) and knocking a bedroom and boxroom into one room

@Bluntness100 correct, apart from our bedroom to the bathroom and nursery other side of the bathroom. His DDs room is at the end of the hall upstairs and is surrounded by outside wall. Is that not normal?

Ah ok I understand. And house layouts vary.

I think you will need to do the sofa bed thing, I'd make him sleep on it, he's the one with the problem.

I have a boxroom with a single bed and no room for a wardrobe but it's mine!

Me too. I love my own space, even though it's a titchy space. It's all mine and it's pure bliss

@FlintyBadman DPs daughter wasn't relevant to initial post. We have 3 bedrooms, one ours, one nursery and one very small box room for his DD.

Someone else mentioned knocking walls through. It's not doable unless we literally moved the bathroom and magicked some square money out of nowhere! We won't be knocking walls through, it wouldn't work.

This thread has taken a bit of a detour!

Sofa bed it is...

I absolutely hate sharing a bed too! Love my own space to sleep - it’s just the best. If only we had a big enough house to accommodate us both having double beds and enough rooms for children too! Don’t be upset with your husband. Try sleeping separately - you may love it.

@FlintyBadman DPs daughter wasn't relevant to initial post. We have 3 bedrooms, one ours, one nursery and one very small box room for his DD.

Okay, thank you - I think I'm up to speed now!

Did your partner express the desire for separate rooms prior to your pregnancy? If not then it might just be a short-term problem due to your pregnancy and things will improve after the birth?

I hope you find a way to sort things out so you are all happy

I hate sharing. I definitely sleep in longer chunks if I'm on my own. I think DH likes his space too but not all the time. I like to read in bed and it keeps him awake, but I hate lying there not sleeping so don't try to go to sleep until I'm on the verge of nodding off. Anyway we have a deal where he sleeps in the spare room a couple of nights a week. Works for us.

Hmmm what about boarding out the loft? Wouldn't need to be a proper conversion initially, you could have storage etc in one of the current bedrooms and just a bigger bed in the attic... Build yourself frame and one of those mattresses that comes rolled up

Could you consider a double bunk bed? Like this?
This and many others are suitable for adults up to and over 100kg each.
Good luck finding a solution - I suspect it will ease a lot of tension if you just acknowledge that he has a right to feel this way. Lack of sleep is sodding torture. Sleeping apart works very well for a lot of people so long as you don’t take it personally. It’s really not that he doesn’t love you, he just wants to sleep. Try to seperate the two in your mind - there’s sod all romantic about being exhausted all the time!

In my last house, a very small terrace, I had a double bed in the main bedroom. The bedside tables next to it were tight against the walls. There is no way I could have fitted king sized bed in there. There was just enough space to stand next to the bed each side, sideways.
Two walls were the neighbours, one was an outside wall and the other was the wall to the stairs. No way to move walls.

This was one of thousands of such houses.

@camberskank I think your partner is being fair and reasonable. If he cannot sleep with you in the bed, then it's not fair to make him feel bad about it.

I don't know what bright spark thought of making 2 fully grown adults share a 4 foot X 6 foot space to sleep anyway! It's a terrible idea. No WAY can you sleep properly, and it can't work long-term.

I think it harks back to many years ago, when people (usually poor people) used to share a bed to keep warm, and because of lack of room in their house. Many middle and upper classes have always had separate bedrooms.

As someone said upthread, if you can just get past the ridiculous idea that sleeping separately is 'wrong' and a sign your marriage is failing, you will never go back, because having your own bedroom is LUSH! I have had my own bedroom now for 10 years. I got a room to myself when we moved to a bigger property, and no WAY would I go back to sharing a bedroom with my husband.

Like the others on here, I have a great marriage, and a great relationship with my husband, but his snoring got SO bad that I was constantly sleep deprived. If we had not got a bigger house, I don't think I could have stayed living with him, as I needed to sleep. It's great having my privacy and 'me-time' too. Occasionally (maybe twice a month or so,) he puts some crap on the telly that I don't want to watch, so I go to 'my room' and put something on netflix.

Weird how some people think 'separate bedrooms' means your marriage is on the rocks, because some of the happiest couples, with the strongest marriages, sleep separately.

A 'super king' bed is no good if you have a snoring partner. And that is the most common reason someone wants to sleep away from their partner. You need separate bedrooms if you want decent sleep!

We have been married for 32 yrs, living together for 37, and have pretty much slept apart for most of them. We are not compatible sleepers at all.

Dh is 6'6, sleeps for a full 8 hours, unmoving, in a pitch black room with all doors & windows closed, wrapped in a huge duvet even in this heat.

I sleep 4-5 hours a night, toss and turn for most of them. A light cover over me but feet uncovered and all windows permanently open all yr round.. I regularly get up in the night and potter about.

It hasn't affected our marriage at all bar the fact that we both have the sleep we want. It's worth noting that it's a relatively new thing sharing a bed all night, previously only the poor slept together for warmth and lack of space/funds

You can get 'adult' bunk beds, either two doubles or a double lower and single top bunk. Obviously you then have the argument of who gets the top! Or have a look for websites that specialise in small apartment living, they sometimes have good ideas.

When our dc2 was born my dh slept on the couch so he could get some sleep. (I was a SAHM.) I was mortally offended but that was due to the expectation that married people/couples must share a bed.
We shared a bed since the kids (now in their 20s) slept through the night until last year when I had a relapse of MS.
You adjust to what is needed for you both to get a good nights sleep. My dh snores like a bastard and with my condition I really need a solid nights sleep.
I sleep in the spare room. He's recently been coming in for a "cuddle" in the morning as my condition improves.....which is great. I get a good nights sleep plus some physical contact.

Could you get rid of your double bed and get 2 queen size beds beside each other?

Do you know tje average size of a master bedroom in the UK?

Getting one queen size in can be a squeeze...never mind 2.

That would be quite a big bedroom.

Could you get rid of your double bed and get 2 queen size beds beside each other?

Surely if they had room for even one queen-size bed, they'd have already put it in...?

Sorry I haven’t RDFT so am unsure if this has been mentioned... have you considered joining 2 single beds? You could get them from ikea - they look like a double bed when put next to each other but are 2 separate beds. This way you can maybe wiggle them apart a bit and be less disruptive to each other for actual sleeping but have a joint bedroom for everything else?

I loathe sharing a bed, hate being touched by someone when I'm asleep! Doesn't reflect on how much I love a partner though.